Jolt Country

Welcome, all golf fans and other fans of Tiger Woods, to TigerCast 2004! During the coming 10 months, we here at TigerCast Enterprises hope to bring you the very best, and the very winningest golf journalism we can possibly offer!

Without too much hype and fanfare, let's get right to it! As this very article is written, we are on the very cusp of the 2004 PGA Tour season, as the Mercedes Championships from Kapaluha, Hawaii begin on Thursday, 1/8/04, featuring all of the winning Tour players from 2003, including world #3 and last year's winner Ernie Els, world #2 and last year's Tour money leader Vijay Singh, and of course world #1, Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, the greatest player to ever pick up a stick and hit the little white pill!

TV coverage is as follows for this week's tournament: ESPN, 7 PM to 11 PM, eastern time, every night from Thursday to Sunday. This breadth of live coverage offers an exciting glimpse into the dawn of a new and very exciting PGA Tour season.

Now, a few editorial words about Tiger. This is, after all, TigerCast 2004, and not just GolfCast 2004. To simplify things, I'll take a few questions from the crowd.

How do you think Tiger's recent engagement to Norwegian model Elin Nordregen will affect his performance?

I do not think the engagement or subsequent marriage will affect his game one bit. Even Elin knows that golf is #1 for the man. He's lived his entire life for one purpose: To win 19 major championships, and secondarily to be the greatest golfer in the history of the game. Though here at TG2K4, we believe he's already accomplished the latter goal, we do not expect anything, no matter how hot or blonde she may be, to come between Tiger and his goals.

Has Tiger lost a step or two over the past couple years? I mean, he won, like, everything in 2000, and last year didn't win a major or even get the money title?

On the contrary, Tiger's game continues to improve. The year 2000 was an absolutely ridiculous year in golf, demonstrating just how wide the gap was between Tiger and anyone else. Since then, Tiger has become a better golfer, but so have his closest rivals. Consider 2000 a "wake-up call" to the rest of golf, and several of his closest competitors heard the alarm. Tiger is now playing against the deepest, strongest field that has ever existed in the history of golf. The fact that he is still clearly #1 in this crowd just further demonstrates his superiority in the game.

Will Tiger win a major this year?

After the untimely and tragic death of TigerCast 2003 last year, due to his emotional investment in the result of the Masters tournament in April, we are reticent to make any predictions such as this. Remember, Jack Nicklaus, the "other" greatest player in history, went over two years at this point in his career without a major. That being said, don't count Eldrick out at any of the four biggies this year!

Do you still hate Vijay Singh as much as you did last year?

Oh yes, even moreso! That's why it will be so much more enjoyable watching Tiger send him back down the world rankings this year. Have you ever met a Fijian who wasn't an asshole? Answer that.

Well, we look forward to the exciting first round tomorrow!

As do we, friend. As do we.

Here we go.

Through 1 hole, Tiger Woods is +1, after some trouble off the tee. That's troubling.

But hey, there was another tournament once where Tiger bogeyed the first hole. That would be the 1997 Masters. You remember, that tournament where Tiger won by 12 strokes?

Yeah, just cool your jets there, Tiga-Hataz.

First Round Report:

After getting off to a shaky start with a bogey at the first, Tiger dug down deep into the depth of his unending fortitude and... well, and double-bogeyed the par 5 fifth. Then he birdied a hole, then bogeyed another one. Then...

Well, let's not mince meat here, Tiger bit the big one on Day #1. An eagle at the last got him to -2, five back of first round leader Stuart Abbleby, leaving him well within range, but it can't be the round Eldrick was hoping for.

On the other hand, who gives a shit, because we here at TigerCast 2004 found ourselves flipping back and forth between first round coverage on ESPN, and Spike TV, which was featuring its show "MXC", which stands, somehow, for "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge", and which is the greatest show in the history of television!!

Stay tuned to TigerCast 2004 for further results from the hilarious, endlessly entertaining Japanese import show "MXC". Oh, and that golf tournament. I guess.

Yay MXC.

Welcome to our new feature for 2004, called: "Why Tiger Is Really Winning". By presenting this feature to you, we hope to explain why, even when Tiger is not winning a particular tournament, he is actually playing the best, and a victory is obviously imminent.

Let's try it.

Why Tiger Is Really Winning - Round 1, Mercedes Championships

Tiger shot -2, with a bogey and a double bogey on two par 5's. This is obviously a ridiculously statistic, as Tiger would normally birdie both with ease, and just hit a couple shots too well, and into the muck. Let's instead give him a birdie and a par on those, which is what would happen 9 times out of 10, given the situations he was in for the second shots. That gets him to -6.

Then add in the two birdie putts he missed from five feet, which would NEVER happen, and will definitely not happen the rest of the week, and that puts him at -8.

Therefore, you see, even though Tiger is -2, and five back of Stuart Appleby at -7, he's actually winning, with a virtual -8.

It's a little early yet, but I'm going to go ahead and call this one:

Your winner of the 2004 Mercedes Championships?

Tiger Woods!

TigerCast 2004 wrote:On the other hand, who gives a shit, because we here at TigerCast 2004 found ourselves flipping back and forth between first round coverage on ESPN, and Spike TV, which was featuring its show "MXC", which stands, somehow, for "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge", and which is the greatest show in the history of television!!

TUBGIRL

vs.

THE THIRD REICH

FIGHT!!!!!

TigerCast 2004 wrote:On the other hand, who gives a shit, because we here at TigerCast 2004 found ourselves flipping back and forth between first round coverage on ESPN, and Spike TV, which was featuring its show "MXC", which stands, somehow, for "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge", and which is the greatest show in the history of television!!

JOLT COUNTRY FUN FAX: TigerCast2004 doesn't pay taxes, because TigerCast2004 is broke and homeless.

Roody_Yogurt wrote:Yay MXC.

How would you define... oh, fuck it.

What is MXC?

What is MXC?

http://www.spiketv.com/shows/meec/

It's worth quoting:

MXC is the ultimate in reality sports, where the contestants are always physically and mentally challenged. If you enjoy broken bones, splattering spleens, high impact hematomas, and watching people get them, then you'll love Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Join the two guys who know hot physical action better than the palms of their own hands, Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship - they put the "FU" back in FUN.

Warning: viewing MXC may cause blood in your stool.

You'll notice that the URL for the site has the proper acronym, "MEEC", whereas the show is actually nicknamed "MXC".

This is the only part of the show that bothers me.

Well, this is just horrible. This is the worst thing that possibly could have happened.

After sucking the pipe on the first two holes of his second round today, Tiger sucked up enough courage and talent to get the round under control and get to a total of -5, right in the thick of the battle.

Until...

Until the very hated, disgusting, horrible Vijay Singh put together an historic back nine, birdieing EIGHT of the nine holes on the back nine to take a commanding lead at -14. If it was anyone else, this would not be so troubling, but because it was Vijay Singh, it's terribly disconcerting, because:

1. Vijay Singh is the current #2 player in the world, and the current "challenger of the moment" to Tiger's crown, and more importantly:

2. Vijay Singh is an asshole, who cheats at golf (documented), and when he's not cheating, he's just a smug, sexist, nasty little douchebag.

One can only hope that at his advanced age (40), he suffers a stroke and/or heart attack in the next couple days. Not so Tiger will win, but just so the world will be rid of this cancer, who in my mind is worse than Hitler, Osama, and Saddam all rolled into one and jabbed in the mouth with a tongue depressor.

Can he get me Julie Brown's autograph?

Mercedes Championships: Third Round

Well, as expected, Tiger made a characteristic charge up the leaderboard, shooting an 8-under 65 and landing at -13, seven back of leader Stuart Appleby, and five back of the grotesque, unctuous Vijay Singh.

Obviously, it doesn't look good for a win. Tiger has to go VERY low tomorrow, and even then might just only catch Vijay. But we here at TigerCast 2004 kinda like Stuart Appleby, only because he had to endure one of the worst emotional experiences I can imagine a human being can have, back in 1998:

Reuters wrote: London - Renay Appleby, the wife of U.S. PGA Tour player Stuart Appleby of Australia, was killed Thursday morning in a traffic accident at Waterloo Station.

Renay was struck and killed by a car after she exited a cab. She was 25.

The Applebys were at Waterloo Station to take a train to Paris for short vacation prior to his participation in next week's Scandinavian Masters in Sweden.

Look, you watch your wife die, you get a free pass from TigerCast 2004, that's just how it works.

However, it's important to get quickly to our other feature: WHY TIGER IS WINNING.

Oh my God. First of all, I personally witness Tiger miss 3 putts today from inside 5 feet. That's unheard of, so he really should have had (as he admitted in the post-round interview) a 62. Add that to the fact that he has played at -4 for the TWELVE par 5s he's played so far this week, which is OUTRAGEOUS -- he nearly averages birdie on the par 5's -- you can see that, even if you DO count the double bogey he took at #1 yesterday, he should still be way, WAY out in front of everybody.

He's not going to win this week, but he's playing the kind of golf which should give every single one of his competitors the hot, wet, stinky runs all night long.

Even the disgusting, soul-patch-infested, cheating, lying scuz-bucket, Vijay Singh.

FULL POINT!

Yeah, like I was saying, he's playing like crap since he decided to get married.

Women ruin everything.

How's that game coming?

Vitriola wrote:How's that game coming?

FULL POINT!

Not funny. Annoying. Not funny.

Vitriola wrote:Not funny. Annoying. Not funny.