Jolt Country

The worst thing about The Blair Witch Project was that it convinced hundreds of people that with only a handheld camera and a dream they too could create a movie the rest of the should or would even want to watch. For more than two decades, misguided filmmakers have missed the point of the film entirely, and thought the film was successful because of, not in spite of, its shoestring budget. Armed with the same equipment but nowhere near the story, these people go out and record things that barely passes for home movies and try to pass them off as "movies," let alone "films." One of these people is Isaac Rodriguez, the writer, narrator, cinematographer, narrator, and man I hold personally responsible for 2022's A Town Full of Ghosts.

Located near Austin, Texas in real life is an old, abandoned ghost town. Based on what I was able to find online, apparently Rodriguez visited the ghost town and was inspired to film a movie there. The town has some abandoned buildings and in the center of town is a maze made from rotting fence panels. If I had to guess, Rodriguez and a couple of his friends probably split a case of Lone Star beer and came up with the film's plot in a single night. What he came up with was a story about a guy and his wife who move to an abandoned location. Soon, the man is possessed by a ghost and ends up threatening his wife with an ax and chasing her through a maze. I guess Rodriguez's friends didn't have the heart to tell him somebody already made this movie and it was called The Shining, but Rodriguez said his movie will be different because it'll have no budget, feature a lot of shaky first-person footage, and won't make any sense.

The plot of the film is... exactly what I just said. Mark and Jenna, a young and attractive couple, visit a ghost town that they eventually purchase and plan to, uh, restore the entire town? The couple are starting a YouTube channel, which sort of justifies while they do so much filming. Mark's cousin and his wife show up which is good because we need more than one victim. There's also a bunch of wasps that seem to be an omen, which they totally didn't steal from Amityville horror because those were flies and wasps are way different.

This movie is just over an hour long. In the first half nothing happens, and during the second half all I could think about was how much better the first half was. Listen, I'm not the guy to go to for renovation advice, but if you buy a ghost town and the only thing there are a bunch of abandoned buildings and a couple of axes and hatchets, maybe that ain't the property to invest in? Maybe when you learn a couple of teenagers died in your ghost town last month and an entire brothel full of women was once burned down and everything refers to the place as haunted, maybe you back out and start by flipping a nice condo first instead?

The scariest part of town is the mysterious maze in the center of town. It's obvious this maze was already on site and part of a tourist attraction, but in the film it's been turned into a horrifying place. The problem with the maze is that a lot of the fence panels are missing slats of wood. Like, you can see through them. And all the wood looks rotten. The fence looks like if you accidentally touched it, it would fall apart. In real life I'm sure some old man sits nearby in a rocking chair with a hammer and Folger's can full of nails and nails it back together 20 times a day. Jenna spends a lot of time running away from Mark inside the maze and the whole time I'm like, honey, just lean on it! It'll fall over! Be free! Of course there's an ax hanging on the wall of the maze and every time I saw it I thought, surely they had to reenforce that rickety old fence to hold the weight of that ax.

It's a bit ironic that the couple in this film buy into something based on false pretenses, because I sure bought into the film based on the trailer. It's amazing what a little bit of talent, some decent gear, and a copy of Adobe After Effects will get 'ya in this day and age. When I hear a good song, I imagine the album it's on will contain 9 other songs just as good -- not that one song, sliced up and spread across 60 minutes, but that's what we have hear. Once the trailer is dragged out to its painful 65 minute playing time... it's awful. It's just awful.

Isaac Rodriguez is one lucky guy for finding someone to distribute this home movie for him, but even luckier is everyone in the film who took an ax blow to the head and didn't have to sit through the entire thing.

Ug. Maybe they should have made a romantic comedy instead.

Or dedicated their lives to porn.

I hate this movie now.

The movie hates us as well. It's a low-budget kind of hate that tries to make us believe the footage is real.

Flack wrote: Wed Sep 27, 2023 6:44 pmIn the first half nothing happens, and during the second half all I could think about was how much better the first half was.

This film was like the Blair Witch with less of a plot and worse cinematography.

When I was in college for my writing degree, random friends would tell me they had a good idea for a book. I'd say, oh tell me about it, and then they would say something like, well there's a guy with a space motorcycle and he's got a pet monkey. And when I would ask, you know, is there a plot or anything? And then they would just stare at me and eventually say... yeah he's got a monkey. They go on like adventures and stuff.

This movie was like that. It was like a guy visited a ghost town and said, "we should make a movie here about ghosts and stuff." And then he and a couple of people got their phones and and when people asked "what is this movie about?" he just said "uh... ghosts and stuff in a ghost town." And then he found the fence maze and thought someone should chase someone in the maze, so they chased each other and when someone asked what's happening in this scene the guy said "uh... it's the part where people get chased in this maze." And maybe a well bring friend said, hey bucko, in a movie you gotta explain why there are ghosts here! You have to put some backstory and a plot in this thing? And then the director sat down and thought really hard for three days, like locked himself in a room and just thought thought thought, and after three days he emerged and said... "um, I guess some people died? And there are ghosts? And, like, a maze?"

I once filmed an entire parody of the OJ Simpson trial in my refrigerator using random food as characters. The judge was Judge Lance Ito Burrito, the prosecutor was Marsha-mellow Clark, the jury was a dozen eggs, and OJ was a bottle of OJ. I had a fun time making it and a fun time eating the cast after the film was over. But you know what I didn't do? Get it distributed and trick other people into watching it.

Do you still have that movie? I feel that would be infinitely better than Fake Ghost Movie

I can't tell if the new movie coming out is "Saw X" or "Jigsaw X" but I really hope it is better than this one.

Also, regarding "Saw." I thought I got it - a guy had to use a "saw" on his leg, and Tobin Bell "saw" the two guys in the room the whole time. But then I forgot that his name is also Jigsaw. I did not put that together until this year. This franchise is relentless.

Flack wrote: Fri Sep 29, 2023 5:58 am I once filmed an entire parody of the OJ Simpson trial in my refrigerator using random food as characters. The judge was Judge Lance Ito Burrito, the prosecutor was Marsha-mellow Clark, the jury was a dozen eggs, and OJ was a bottle of OJ. I had a fun time making it and a fun time eating the cast after the film was over. But you know what I didn't do? Get it distributed and trick other people into watching it.

LOL I recall that video! It was fucking GOLD. Honestly, really creative. I could totally see it being on a zany kids show like "Turkey TV" or something.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Fri Sep 29, 2023 5:16 pm Also, regarding "Saw." I thought I got it - a guy had to use a "saw" on his leg, and Tobin Bell "saw" the two guys in the room the whole time. But then I forgot that his name is also Jigsaw. I did not put that together until this year. This franchise is relentless.

Also it was a see-saw of emotions! And also we "saw" it in the theater.