Jolt Country

If Hollywood is to be believed -- and let's face it, Hollywood should never be believed -- 2022's Halloween Ends not only wraps up the latest Halloween trilogy (beginning with 2018's Halloween, followed by 2021's Halloween Kills) but it also concludes the Halloween franchise, which, by definition, means a final showdown between Michael "The Shape" Myers and the babysitter he's been trying to kill for nearly 45 years, Laurie Strode.

To save you time from reading my reviews of Halloween (2018) and Halloween Kills (2021), allow me to recap: in Halloween, we are reunited with Laurie Strode, who has spent the past 40 years doing her best Sarah Connor impersonation in preparation for Michael Myers' inevitable return. Not only has she become a weapons expert, but she's turned her home into one large fiery booby trap as well -- one she manages to trap Myers inside. If you think a little fire will take care of the boogeyman, you haven't seen enough of these movies. In Halloween Kills, not only do we learn Myers escaped, but he returns to Haddonfield for yet another killing spree. That film ended with a literal mob beating and shooting Myers multiple times, only to have him shrug off the attacks and go back to doing what he does best. Based on the ending of that film it seemed we were headed into a two-hour showdown in the trilogy's finale.

Instead, we're introduced to Corey Cunningham, a babysitter who, back in 2019, accidentally killed the child he was babysitting. Oops. Now Cunningham has been shunned by the town, scorned wherever he goes. Fast forward to 2022, and Corey, through a chance encounter, ends up meeting Allyson, Laurie's granddaughter. Allyson is also not-so-popular with the townsfolk, as she -- and moreso her grandmother Laurie -- seem to have taken the blame for Michael Myers' arrival, murder rampage, and disappearance. Allyson is relatively well adjusted for a girl who witnessed her entire family getting slaughtered while Corey is a slightly stranger version if Leonard from Big Bang Theory. Their relationship makes no sense which makes it fit in great with the rest of this two hour pile of celluloid nonsense.

Through an unfortunate incident, Corey discovers that Michael Myers has been hiding in a drainage ditch underneath an overpass for the past four years. After the two cross paths... things get confusing. I'm not sure if Michael Myers "infected" Corey with evil (?), or if he saw the hatred in Corey's soul and let him go -- either way, after being pushed around by the wimpiest group of bullies in cinematic history, Corey is all welp, it's killin' time. Yes, Corey, not Michael. We're getting to that.

While all of this is happening, Laurie Strode has decided to move back into town and begin writing her memoirs. All that training and preparation from the previous two movies? Over. Now she bakes (burns) pies and tap-tap-taps at her laptop. It's like the writers of this film didn't watch the last two films in the trilogy!

The entire time I was watching this movie I kept thinking there's not a single goddamn reason any of this people should stay in Haddonfield. None! At one point Allyson says, "I thought about leaving, but all my memories are here." She's a 20ish hospital clerk whose main memories are of her parents getting murdered by Michael Myers. Corey Cunningham is a 20-something man hated by every single person in his town, including his parents. Fly the coop, bro! And then there's Laurie, whom Michael only wanted to kill because she was in HIS old house! MOVE! Pick another zip code! Ain't no way Michael Myers can get past TSA -- go to the Bahamas! Greece! Anywhere!!

This movie has big, big problems, but the biggest one is that it's not a Laurie vs. Michael Myers movie. For 90 minutes it's a Corey Cunningham movie, even when he ends up teaming up with Michael Myers for a little twofer stabby business. It's insane how much of this movie is about a new character.

So yes, in the end we do get our showdown, and by the time the credits roll there absolutely no question as to anyone's fate. Then again, in Hollywood, Freddy Krueger was resurrected when a dog pissed fire on his bones, and Jason Vorhees came back to light when lightning struck his grave. Stranger things have happened.

Halloween Ends is in theaters and streaming on Paramount+. Only recommended for fans of the series and those who like disappointment.

I really liked the second movie of this trilogy. In the other Halloween movies I saw, Myers doesn't DO much. He certainly did a lot in whatever #2 of this three, I guess four movie trilogy.

Well, he's back to doing nothing.

You'd need the most charismatic characters of all-time to elbow Michael Myers out of this franchise and this character and actor ain't it. What a mess, what a disaster, what a waste of time.

There is a change.org petition to try and get them to rewrite and refilm this movie. That's funny on a few levels.

I guess if you really want to "end" it, Michael Myers has to die. I guess. But goddamn - there were a couple scenes where the big guy is wandering around and they really are experts at lighting him in houses. That is all we want. We want Michael Myers stomping through houses with interesting kills. The reason people get paid to write the screenplay is because every second we spend meeting characters outside of them getting sliced up is wasted, BUT the kills are better if we know who the people are and like or dislike them.

But man, this movie was not it. If all the new characters stayed at home and waited until whatever the next Halloween day was, the ending would have been exactly the same. And you weren't kidding, I know "group of bullies" is just a trope, but this is the worst one ever. If some high school kid asks me to buy beer I don't even have to think about it. "I'm on probation" is all you have to say. They have asked 10 people before you and will ask 10 after. I get that they were trying to make those people unlikable, but they failed at that.

Can I say one more thing? This makes me look bad so I want your silent approval before I say it. I have nothing against the actors and actresses who played the "high school bullies" but would it have killed them to cast some attractive people to play those roles? OR, more likely they are good-looking people and the wardrobe department made them look homely. Can we just have nice-to-look-at people get sliced up? For pure aesthetics? I feel that normal-looking people already have enough going on trying to navigate life. Don't take this from us.

Mike and Jay say that they like this nonsense garbage. They hated the other two. They "recommend it", which is inexplicable.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 6:51 pm I guess if you really want to "end" it, Michael Myers has to die. I guess. But goddamn - there were a couple scenes where the big guy is wandering around and they really are experts at lighting him in houses. That is all we want. We want Michael Myers stomping through houses with interesting kills. The reason people get paid to write the screenplay is because every second we spend meeting characters outside of them getting sliced up is wasted, BUT the kills are better if we know who the people are and like or dislike them.

I have spent more time thinking about this movie than it deserves. "Halloween Ends" needed to wrap up two stories -- the story of this trilogy and the story of Halloween. To do that successfully, I think you need to explain "why." Like, "Why is Michael Myers." Why, in the 1960s, did this kid randomly put on a mask, go upstairs, and stab his sister? Why in 1978 did he return to stalk and kill a babysitter? Why was he able to survive getting shot six times and stabbed in the eye in 1978? I haven't seen this mentioned anywhere, but what's missing, I think, is a stand in for Dr. Loomis. There's no doctor or person who understands the situation to offer outside analysis. How do you end a Superman trilogy and never explain how he got his super powers?

You know what this movie was missing? A scene at the end where Laurie Strode sits down and cries for like five minutes. We get she's mad and we get she wants revenge but after that, where's that moment where she lets it all out? Where's that moment where, after 40 years, she collapses with the knowledge that "it's over"?

These issues, which are large issues, sit on top of the fact that they introduced a new character in the last film of a trilogy and made it about him, which absolutely nobody wanted. I feel like this is a Rian Johnson move, just a guy who got the reins to a franchise and said "wouldn't it be funny if we turned this on its head?" No. We don't need to turn Halloween on its head. We need resolution for Laurie and resolution for Michael.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 6:51 pm But man, this movie was not it. If all the new characters stayed at home and waited until whatever the next Halloween day was, the ending would have been exactly the same. And you weren't kidding, I know "group of bullies" is just a trope, but this is the worst one ever. If some high school kid asks me to buy beer I don't even have to think about it. "I'm on probation" is all you have to say. They have asked 10 people before you and will ask 10 after. I get that they were trying to make those people unlikable, but they failed at that.

Another example of them "turning things on their head" which makes no sense. I guess they were trying to show that Corey was so meek that even a car load of high school marching band dorks could push him around, but, yeah. It was just handled badly. Think about those kids' funerals. "Here lies Betty, a girl who rode in the back of a car of a guy who asked a guy to buy him beer." At least she didn't die in vain.

If a group of kids asked me to buy beer for them I would take their money, go inside, and then come out running shouting "they called the cops, run!" Actually, i wouldn't. I'd just stand there telling them stories from the 80s until they all died of boredom.

You are correct, of course. The Red Letter Media guys don't give a crap about Halloween. They have said so many, many times. So of course "turning it on their head" appeals to them; there was nothing worth saving in the franchise.

They DID take umbrage, I think, with how Rian Johnson did the auteur thing with Star Wars, and that makes sense. They care about Star Wars.

I don't know why they can't just make another normal movie where an emotionless, remorseless monster murders two dozen people in 110 minutes and it all ends with a showdown with Jamie Lee Curtis and you know, she survived several brave confrontations with Michael Myers, would it kill her to wear some makeup?

Watched it before my Peacock for 99 cents deal ENDS tomorrow.

Summary: It fucking suuuuuuuuucks. When the only highlights of the movie are "Oh it's Lindsey but bleah lose the fucking nose ring" and "Oh that's Darcy from the Joe Bob Briggs show. That's kind of neat. She's the same age as me but I've never cared to look up her porn work and ZzzzZZzz" you wondered why you even bothered to show up.

The "Halloween remake" by Rob Zombie got a lot of bad reviews but I enjoyed the sheer cruelty and director's vision (aside from some of the cringy mom/son parts in the beginning) a hell of a lot more than this crap. Jamie Lee Curtis should have done more Reno 911 episodes instead of this garbage.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 8:02 pm You are correct, of course. The Red Letter Media guys don't give a crap about Halloween. They have said so many, many times. So of course "turning it on their head" appeals to them; there was nothing worth saving in the franchise. They DID take umbrage, I think, with how Rian Johnson did the auteur thing with Star Wars, and that makes sense. They care about Star Wars.

I think there's an argument to be made that Halloween Ends is both a good movie, and a bad Halloween movie. If Halloween Ends had been a random movie about two teens who had been through some shit and tried to enter a relationship that went wrong, sure, that's a film. it's just not a good ending to the Halloween franchise. It's like having the movers show up in a Ferrari on moving day. Nobody's arguing that a Ferrari isn't a great car... it's just not a good fit for a moving company.

Here's a plot for Halloween Ends I just made up. Fast forward a few years from the last one. The town is in disarray; everyone in Haddonfield is afraid of Michael Myers returning. Maybe there's even a militia who has been training for his return. Laurie Strode is a shell of her former self after witnessing the death of her daughter. As a form of therapy she begins writing her memoirs. While doing so she gets access to Loomis' old papers and discovers Michael Myers' weakness. Maybe Loomis's secret theory was that all Michael wants is to bring back his older sister, who he killed in the original. Meanwhile, the townspeople begin to turn on one another, slowly. We see local crime, people not helping one another, etc. Then, Michael returns. He begins slashing his way through town on his way to Laurie's house. He smashes through a police barricade. Then the militia arrives, big fight, but Michael survives. He continues until he gets to Laurie Strode's house. There we find Laurie's daughter, asleep. Michael Myers enters, mistakes her for the sister he killed, and lowers his defenses. When she turns around he realizes it's not his sister and raises his knife only to have Laurie Strode attack him from behind. The granddaughter was bait all along. Loomis's papers reveal that it was Michael's hate for himself that was his fuel, and that experiencing remorse was his downfall. Then Michael sits back up -- he's back! Then Laurie goes nuts on him and stabs him a hundred times and with each stab we see a flashback of a kill from every single Halloween movie. In the last scene they grind up Michael Myers' body or bury him in concrete or whatever and we pan through the audience and then at the end we see Laurie Strode and the knife are gone. The end.

You know what? Fuck it, here's another one.

Before Loomis died, he figured out that Michael Myers obsession is with his old house. Laurie uses this information to convince the sheriff to condemn the house. The sheriff passes away the next year and suddenly the house has a SOLD sign outside. It's been purchased by a sleazy businessman who wants to turn it into a Museum of Death. The guy goes all around town buying Michael Myers memorabilia. There's a whole subplot about how the new sheriff sold the house and is slimy, too. The museum's grand opening is on Halloween, and because it's been a few years, people all over town are dressing up as Michael Myers and Laurie Strode (think Three Amigos). Laurie sets up an elaborate system of people to warn her and everyone when Michael returns but Michael outsmarts them and kills the people one at a time, ruining their plan. After a long bloody chase, Laurie and Michael end up at the old house, which is now a museum. The museum owner tries to reason with Michael and tells him that he can make him famous, but he's quickly killed. Once in the house, Myers quits chasing Laurie and goes to the upstairs room where he murdered his sister. There, he looks all over for his sister. Laurie enters and explains to Michael that his sister is dead. He killed her, and she's not coming back. She explains over and over that he did this. We see humanity return to his eyes and he hands her the knife and motions for her to kill him. Before she can, the new sheriff and his posse arrive. Michael kills the sheriff and is about to kill more people when Laurie stabs him in the back of the head with the knife, which ultimately kills him.

I like these ideas. Also the cinematographer can stay IF my idea of what a cinematographer does matches what they really do.

I also have an idea of how the movie could have gone. You know the guy who kills all the people in the version we just saw? Throw that character away, AND MAKE IT MICHAEL MYERS.

Shower us with Tonys!