Jolt Country

In this thread we post links and reviews to the latest in a sure-to-fail program called AArdvark's Audio Crazy Doodles.

Based on the Banzai Buckaroo sidebar, where I mention that I do not watch movies or TV with the sound on, I decided to provide a commentary track to 80s movies I have never seen before. This is the first uh..episode.

The movie is called Creepers. It's a 1984 horror B movie starring Jennifer Connelly, who you all know from Riding The fap-fap-fap Horse

Here's the movie if you don't already have it I suggest you find a better copy, this one is edited and will mess up all my horrible commentary. Try Mill Creek. they have their logo all over everything. I picked this movie cause it's short. There's a possibility I can rip it to AVI and link it to my cloud storage.
I have to put a wrapper on the commentary so you all know when to start the audio so it syncs close enough* but I'm a little too festive right now. Plus, I dare not listen to it for fear of embarrassment tomorrow. I was laughing pretty hard tho. Stay tuned!

THE
MOUTH BREATHER
AARDVARK

*This aint no MST3K episode!

I have the movie. If you post a link to the audio, I can link the two together and upload that somewhere.

I have high hopes for this!

Cool. I can have it up here tomorrow.

THE
LANCELOT LINKAGE
AARDVARK

Re: high hopes

welll.. maybe mildly entertaining. I think it's a lot like that Davey and Goliath episode where that band makes up the dialog.

THE
UH-BOY
AARDVARK

Christ, I can't watch these movies sober. I recorded a second episode because in my festive state last night I forgot to change the power plan on the recording PC and the hard drive shut off after a half hour. That means I was babbling into a microphone for an hour for no reason except to hear myself, I'll send the first 20 minutes that I did manage to save to Flack along with...

The second episode: " Do Not open 'Till Christmas" a pretty horrible English psyco-thriller that was one hour too long and three drinks too short. I can understand now why Multiple Sadness doesn't have a huge list of back episodes.


THE
I HAVE A HEADACHE
AARDVARK

Starring Ronald Reagan, Julia Childs, Mr. Whipple, and Gregory Peck.

Fuuuuck, I did throw those names out there, didn't I. Now that I think about it I'm kinda glad the first episode didn't record all the way. I made a couple mean jokes about people in wheelchairs, people in wheelchairs that post here.

The funniest moment was when Jennifer Conolly was following a horse fly towards the Swiss chalet and I said: "Oh come on, it's going to lead her to a dead woodchuck." I laughed for a full minute after that one. That part I wish was recorded, the rest...eh. I started slurring around the last half and my vision wasn't 100 percent, so who knows what the hell I was talking about.

I think I'm going to find better movies. I only picked these because they were available and I hadn't seen them before. Can't believe my buddy paid thirty bucks at Sam's Club for these. I understand now why MST3K watches each of their movies six or seven times before they record anything. I thought up way more jokes the next day. That would be just imitation though and I don't want to do that. I have an idea for the next episode. I Googled '80s movies you haven't seen before' and not surprisingly it came up with a slew of them. Stuff that's not horror movies, that's the ticket!

THE
I'D RATHER
BLATHER
AARDVARK

Downloaded. Will watch/listen later

I think this is working. I was thinking about last weeks movie at work today and chuckling to myself when a co-worker came up to me and asked:
"Hey, Vark what you laughing at, man?"

So I replied: "Santa Claus was taking a piss... and someone cut his dick off, and I asked if it hurts when he urinates."

He just looked at me.

How could I explain?

THE
JOLLY OLD
AARDVARK

I don't know, man. I just recorded a commentary track for Big Trouble In Little China, which I had never seen before, and I just don't know. I thought the Santa Claus move sucked hard. I figured that with a couple of big name stars and John Carpenter directing and everything.... I was even drinking tequila and cough syrup. I just don't know. I spent the last third of the movie saying "this sucks, man"

Just terrible.

THE
MOVIE
BLOWS LIKE THE WIND
AARDVARK

This might be a case where having the audio turned on might help. It's one of my top 10 faves. That being said, I think your commentary tracks would still be funny to listen to.

I believe that adding a second audio track to the first track will make things better. Stay tuned....

One of the things I'm having issues with is actually having to sit and watch the movie while I blather. Audio , in it's present form, is meant to be portable. You should be able to do other stuff while listening. Probably why I dislike watching TV in general.

What if...what if I do the same kind of thing I'm doing but use a radio broadcast instead of a movie?

I think I can make this leap into the uncharted waters of banality. Stay tuned to this bat channel, kids

THE
WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING
AARDVARK

Big Trouble in Little China Yay, sort of.

Bloodtide, starring James Earl Jones coming to a link near you soon


Oh boy, another lame episode!

From IMDB

The rest of this movie is unwatchable rubbish with huge and obvious holes in the narrative, the most ludicrous cat in mid-air shot ever, and some terrible, terrible sound mixing. I think the Foley guys must have been on steroids when they were dubbing this one. Or deaf. There's an idea; a deaf Foley artist. Anyway, every footfall, every object moved, every movement in this movie is so wildly loud it half drowns out the dialogue. (In itself, is no bad thing.) It might be just the version I watched but the sound mix is awful. There is one scene in particular, set on a beach, where the sound of the gentle Mediterranian waves lapping on the sunny, sandy beach sound less like the romantic idyll it is meant to be but more like elephants having mad frantic sex in an indoor swimming pool. The acoustics of the cave sequences are even more painful.

I haven't given up on this, its just that I really don't like to watch movies anymore.
I wonder if I should do commercials.....

AArdvark wrote: Sun Mar 31, 2019 12:34 pm Christ, I can't watch these movies sober.

Reminds me of the story of the guy who always had a couple of stiff belts before going to an AA meeting, because he could never stand to attend them while sober.

I had a great idea the other day. Perhaps I should record an audiobook of one of my short stories. I could do some readers' theater; sound effects, background music, really bad English accents, that kind of thing.

Perhaps it will be more entertaining to me than drinking and watching movies.

THE
ANOTHER FINE MESS
AARDVARK

A Village Tragedy