The Magnolia Files

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Waitasec, you don't like Ebert? ROGER Ebert? Not the guys at www.ebert.com, because I hate them very much, as all decent, God-fearing people do.

But my dear Mr Yogurt -- we now have to use objectional viewpoints because obviously there's no agreeing between myself and the Insane Mr Parrish otherwise. Roger has no stake in any of this. He is as impartial an observer as we are likely to find. Surely, this worldwide respected critic giving both movies four stars shoots down the Insane Mr Parrish's argument that one film (Magnolia) is infinitely better than the other (Signs), yes/no?

Actually, don't answer that. Answer this instead:

"In your time on this BBS, would you or would you not say that there is even a slight chance that the Insane Mr Parrish possesses at least a mild form of some type of insanity, compulsive disorder, schizophrenia or other miscellaneous brain condition, including but not limited to excessive wrinkling on said brain, be these condition(s) benign or no?"

[Roody_Yogurt]

Everybody here is crazy in some way, and even though you didn't want to hear it, yes, Magnolia is better than Signs.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I should say that Jolt Country BBS has never been about what I, exclusively, wish to hear. If that were the case, all posts on this forum would be replaced with a random .wav file of an attractive college co-ed on the brink of a throaty, cell-shattering orgasm. Instead, I find and draw strength from these different opinions.

Parts of Magnolia are better than some parts of Signs. I feel this gives me the moral high ground over Ben because he could not say the same for these two, four-star movies.

I think the best way for this thread to continue would be if you got into specifics regarding just how crazy everyone is. (And I agree with you. I just want someone, well, you to verbalize it.) I will add it to the "Roody Yogurt FAQ" if you do such a thing. Please. Please! Please?

[Roody_Yogurt]

Well, that's a daunting task, but I'll try to come up with a few sometime. Just not right now as I'm going to go to sleep... and again, my internet access for the next couple weeks will be sporadic.

[pinback]

Personally, I think Neil Young from Jigsaw Lounge should be the final arbiter:

http://www.jigsawlounge.co.uk/film/signs.html
http://www.jigsawlounge.co.uk/film/magnoliashort.html

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

First off - is it just me, or is Jonsey's web host sucking ass today? I've been getting lots of timeouts and failure-to-connects and such, while other sites are just fine.

Secondly - ah, an M Night Shamalamadingdong debate! Color me there.

How about this - all his movies suck.

Sixth Sense - OK, a decent twist, but an annoying kid and a fairly dull movie otherwise. If you're really a fan, you might watch it twice - to see the "clues" (and ooh, red means death), but even the most dedicated fans will then snooze.

Unbreakable - shoulda been called Unwatchable. Holy crap, what an incredibly boring movie. Basically, nothing happens. Oh, then Willis is supposed to be a superhero? In a fucking sweatjacket? And in a minute of hanging out in a subway station, he happens to run across rapists, murders, kidnappers, etc, etc - apparently, this was the subway station in some bizarro-world variation of the Justice League of America, where everyone is a criminal. And, he can't handle water? Apparently, no one told him that he's, what, 70% water? That's be like Superman continuing to be super while wearing Kryptonite tights. Yeah, this is a "different" kind of superhero/supervillian movie - one that has had every drip of fun surgically removed.

Signs - OK, I didn't actually see this one. But c'mon! First off, we all know that crop circles are hoaxes. Every last one of them. Right off the bat, I'm not impressed. Secondly, aliens having a problem with water? See above for humans being water, and why attack a planet that is mostly water? And where it rains a lot? They're smart enough to do interstellar travel but don't know what those fluffy things in the sky are? And, lost preacher finding redeption - haven't seen that before. Uh-huh. Hell, at least "From Dusk 'Til Dawn" knew that it was a cliche.

As for Ebert, doing BTVOTD was one of the things I really like about him. He's perfectly willing to talk about it, and isn't the least bit ashamed of it. He's not so stuck-up that he can't appreciate good non-classy movies, too. He's not afraid to, say, give 4 stars to Dawn of the Dead. I don't always agree with his opinions, but they're always worth reading, and increase your appreciation for the film. (Also, check out his "I Hated Hated Hated Hated This Movie" book for some fun reviews of shitty movies.) His liberal political bent agrees with mine, as well. Besides, he loves Buster Keaton, which is always a good sign.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

First off - is it just me, or is Jonsey's web host sucking ass today? I've been getting lots of timeouts and failure-to-connects and such, while other sites are just fine.

Yeah, I noticed that too. :(

Secondly - ah, an M Night Shamalamadingdong debate! Color me there.

By calling him that, you just LOST. Jesus Christ that's trite and predictable. I expect more from you.

Sixth Sense - OK, a decent twist, but an annoying kid and a fairly dull movie otherwise. If you're really a fan, you might watch it twice - to see the "clues" (and ooh, red means death), but even the most dedicated fans will then snooze.

It was all right. Didn't get the DVD.

Unbreakable - shoulda been called Unwatchable. Holy crap, what an incredibly boring movie. Basically, nothing happens.

A train wreck where everyone except one dude DIES is "nothing happening"? Where do you get this shit?

C'mon! What other movie has the BALLS to have its protagonist incompetently flirt with a woman, and then kill off said woman a few minutes later?

Oh, then Willis is supposed to be a superhero? In a fucking sweatjacket?

No, he wore a hooded jacket like the Spectre when he went out for some justice. It was a nod to the character "the Spectre."

And in a minute of hanging out in a subway station, he happens to run across rapists, murders, kidnappers, etc, etc - apparently, this was the subway station in some bizarro-world variation of the Justice League of America, where everyone is a criminal.

It was a time cut. Jesus. For someone who bitched about how slow it was (and it was slow, I just don't see that as a negative for this film) you would think that you would have liked it that they didn't show him getting his vibe on a bunch of people that commit crimes like tax evasion, warezing, and the dressing of their dogs in people clothes.

And, he can't handle water? Apparently, no one told him that he's, what, 70% water? That's be like Superman continuing to be super while wearing Kryptonite tights.

Hay guys, I heard that there's hydrochloric acid in your stomach, but you'd die if you were submerged in it, that's pretty stupid, am i rite?

Signs - OK, I didn't actually see this one.

What makes you think you have the right to an opinion, then? Go see the fucking movie for Christ's sake. Actually, don't -- you've already made up your mind that you won't like it, so you won't be able to enjoy the "magic" of Signs.

I'd bet that LSG, Jenny and Sammy would all find it at least decent if they watched it without you hanging around, however. This is because their minds are not completely closed off to things like yours is. 33 years old and your mind is a walled-off, impenetrable fortress. Triste, non?

[Roody_Yogurt]

C'mon! What other movie has the BALLS to have its protagonist incompetently flirt with a woman, and then kill off said woman a few minutes later?

I almost get the feeling that the scene is there just for that gratuitous midriff shot, and that's actually one of the reasons I love that movie.

[pinback]

This is the best, most perceptive review of Magnolia I've read yet: http://www.qwipster.net/magnolia.htm

The very last paragraph actually comes out and says what I've been thinking for quite awhile.

Just a little bit over half the way through, 2003 has already distinguished itself as one of, if not the most memorable year of my life. Check it out these, the four most important events of 2003, with regard to myself:

1. My dad died.
2. This whole Shortcake episode.
3. I saw Magnolia.
4. I decided to dedicate my life to the search for (and hopefully acquisition of) true love above all else.

#2 of course had a lot to do with #4. But even as inconceivable as this must be for those who deride the movie as long and stupid and suck-tastic, #3 had a big hand in it as well. Yes, kids, I'm prepared to say it now: Magnolia changed my life forever, and for the better, and if/when I do finally get to put a green box in the "Happiness" column, it will definitely be in the "Thank You" section of the liner notes.

Just as I was beginning to come to the conclusion that love was the most important thing in my life, there was this movie, in all its glory and splendor, showing me that very same thing in no uncertain terms. It was just what I needed to see, at just the right time, and it's part of the reason that it had (and continues to have) such an intense emotional effect on me. (The other part is that it just fucking rules, but as we've seen, that's open to subjective dispute, even though anyone who disagrees is woefully off-base.)

And for those who are curious, #1 had a hand in #4 as well, but that's a whole 'nother bag of kittens.

[Violet]

I'd bet that LSG, Jenny and Sammy would all find it at least decent if they watched it without you hanging around, however. This is because their minds are not completely closed off to things like yours is. 33 years old and your mind is a walled-off, impenetrable fortress. Triste, non?

I'd have to say you'd be right. That goes for any movie. It's already been tainted though. You think it's good and Jeff thinks it's bad. It's almost like who am I going to side with.

Going into seeing the movie though I have a background M. Night's movies. I enjoyed Sixth Sense. I like being surprised. I wasn't totally into unbreakable. That is why I haven't seen Signs yet. I am being compelled to now though. I may just do it. I can just borrow it from the library, the cheap mans blockbuster.

[Final Arbiter]

Magnolia sucked shit so hard, even bowel cancer got jealous.

150 minutes of artfaggy ejaculation by some artfag does not necessarily a good movie make.

(And the same goes for Mulholland Drive.)

That is all. Sysop, please close this thread.

[pinback]

That's 188 minutes, douchehole.

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

Fucking Christ, Jonsey. I'm not 33. Not yet. And I won't make it that long if you keep sticking KNIVES IN MY BACK.

The M Night name is predicitable and uninspired, I admit. However, who can spell the real thing? Shammalammabamma. Is that better?

Unbreakable had a big train wreck, all right - every fucking dull minute of that movie is a train wreck. As for the accident that happens in the narrative - well, it couldn't have been done in a less exciting way. Look to The Fugitive or even the pilot episode of "Dead Like Me" for better train-wreck-presentations.

The scene where he's at the subway station is not a time cut. He stands there for about one minute, and every single person he touched is so full of sin, that you should have them just for reminding you of the FPS that you unjustly dislike. Sorry, I don't buy the idea that everyone is a scuzzball who needs beating up by this dude. Last time I checked, kidnappings are relatively rare and provoke media coverage... it's not like the country is in the grips of a bunch of killers who just snuck out of a Hannibal Lecter (or Lector, if you're into the Hopkins version) story.

This would be akin to Batman walking down main street in Gothan City and realizing that, walking next to close, close enough to touch, are the Joker, the Riddler, Selina Kyle, Jervis Tetch, Solomen Grundy, the Penguin, the Bookworm, Two-Face, and Alfred the Butler with a particularly bad case of gas. Meanwhile, the "good citizens of Gotham City" are either cowering in their tenement-style apartments or off visiting stately Wayne Manor.

As for killing off a female character unexpectedly - apparently you never heard of a little movie called Psycho. Or even "Scream". Killing a women that the main character is hot for? See "Body Double", where the main character's fantasy chick (who he's been following the whole first half) has a huge 4"-wide drill put through her stomach (and through the floor below) halfway through the movie.

And "loses his superpowers in water"? How lame of an idea is that? He must have to drink through a straw to avoid accidentally getting any on him! And jeez, we didn't realize that he was going to fall into the pool until, oh, I dunno... before we walked in the fucking theater? Didn't see THAT one strolling down the street ahead of time! Oh no!

I will not be seeing Signs. There are so many movies in the world, and no one can see them all. My readings of reviews and my feelings about the director tell me that my time would be better spent watching a movie that I'm more likely to enjoy.

As for the Trio (that being Mrs W, Big S, and Jenny-of-many-names), I generally don't watch movies with them anymore. I love 'em and all, but let's face it - watching movies with them is like... I dunno. Sort of like going to the theater down on MLK Jr Blvd. Not trying to piss anyone off here... but when you're trying to listen to the movie, there's a bit of, well, "background noise." That's all I'm saying.

So, they watch their movies (well, usually their cartoons) by themselves, and I watch my movies by myself. Or, they just DDR, then there's so much noise that I guess it really doesn't matter.

[Violet]

Jeff, What another jab at how loud I am. When I watch a movie I like to make fun of stuff in spots were needed. I talk, is that a sin? I don't talk through all movies. I just talk through the boring ones you put on. Why does it have to be quiet when someone watches a movie. I can't even laugh?

You are such an anger ball. If anyone talks a lot during a movie it's you. You don't like it when we talk or laugh during your movies but when my movies are on, my anime you stand there and piss all over our selection. You do the same thing jabber jaw.

[pinback]

I talk, is that a sin?

Yes, it is. People like you are the primary reason why I do not go to theaters anymore.

Why does it have to be quiet when someone watches a movie.

Because NOT being quiet is analogous to:
- Talking during a symphony.
- Jumping up and down in front of people trying to look at a painting.
- Farting when people are trying to eat a nice meal.
- Other extremely annoying, inconsiderate things.

I can't even laugh?

Yes, you can laugh, but only at something that is funny. Not that obnoxious "ironic" laughter thing, like when something genuinely tragic or suspenseful is happening. It's like throwing up a giant sign to everyone else saying, "Hey, notice me! NOTICE ME, everyone!"

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I talk, is that a sin?

Yes, it is. People like you are the primary reason why I do not go to theaters anymore.

For what it's worth, I was under the impression that Jeff was talking about them watching a movie at home. If three sisters all watch a movie together at home and talk during it, really, who gives a damn?

="pinback"]Yes, you can laugh, but only at something that is funny. Not that obnoxious "ironic" laughter thing, like when something genuinely tragic or suspenseful is happening. It's like throwing up a giant sign to everyone else saying, "Hey, notice me! NOTICE ME, everyone!"

Now, THIS shit going on at theatres I cannot fucking *stand*. It's always by the same groups of worthless little kids, too. I used to wonder: "how do people who were once children grow to hate children?" Well, now I know. It's because of things like that.

I hadn't gone to see a movie on a non-midnight showing on a Friday night in Fort Collins in a long while, but did so when The Ring came out. Every fucking thing that happened had to be laughed at by a bunch of little shits, no doubt named "Hunter," "Melanie," "Jason," "Jennifer," "Jennifer," "Jennifer," "Jennifer," "Jason" and "Todd." THEY WEREn'T SCArEd!!! HO HO NO! WATCH I'LL PROVE IT!!! Whatever the generation is that is currently like 15 right now: worst generation EVER.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

The scene where he's at the subway station is not a time cut.

Yes it is. Even if you're not specifically shown it, it is. Don't be dense.

This would be akin to Batman walking down main street in Gothan City and realizing that, walking next to close, close enough to touch, are the Joker, the Riddler, Selina Kyle, Jervis Tetch, Solomen Grundy, the Penguin, the Bookworm, Two-Face, and Alfred the Butler with a particularly bad case of gas.

The Bookworm? Bitch, get this TV Land Nick and Nite Batman TV Villain shit off my (yes, my, dammit) Internet.

As for killing off a female character unexpectedly - apparently you never heard of a little movie called Psycho. Or even "Scream". Killing a women that the main character is hot for? See "Body Double", where the main character's fantasy chick (who he's been following the whole first half) has a huge 4"-wide drill put through her stomach (and through the floor below) halfway through the movie.

Really. So within the first FIVE minutes of all these movies, the protagnoist utterly flames out in trying to "woo" said woman and then the woman dies horribly in a messy train wreck? No. This happens in NONE of those movies. Of course chicks get knocked off in films. I wasn't saying that didn't happen, you douchebag. What I WAS saying is that, five minutes in, your claim that "nothing happens" was completely refuted by the train wreck, and additionally, the girl that most writer-directors WOULD have their hero try and chase gets killed up but good.

And "loses his superpowers in water"? How lame of an idea is that?

He loses his powers against the color yellow? How lame is that?

He loses his powers against a green rock? How lame is that?

He loses his powers when the sun goes down or (depending on the writer) he's no longer angry? How lame is that?

(S)He loses (her)his powers when her hands are bound? How lame is that?

Blah, blah, blah. The golden age of comics were filled with heroes that had lame weaknesses. Since the director was making a movie based on those comics, it was perfectly fine -- no, necessary -- to have such a weakness for his hero himself.

As for the Trio (that being Mrs W, Big S, and Jenny-of-many-names), I generally don't watch movies with them anymore. I love 'em and all, but let's face it - watching movies with them is like... I dunno. Sort of like going to the theater down on MLK Jr Blvd. Not trying to piss anyone off here... but when you're trying to listen to the movie, there's a bit of, well, "background noise."

This coming from you is utterly unbelievable. You, who, when watching a movie that you've convinced yourself ahead of time, won't shut up, having the unmitigated audacity to attempt to call someone else out for such behavior at HOME no less... that's shocking. Just shocking.

Consider yourself invited to leave the human race because of that comment.

That's all I'm saying.

Unless it's during a film that you made a decision on hours before watching it, in which case you're saying that and scoffing and so forth all the time. Hey, don't get me wrong, having seen dozens of movies with you, there is a time and a place for all that. Certainly, when catching a classic like "Street Trash" for the 12th time it's OK to discuss battle strategies ('Would Bill the Cop have been better served by leaving this man alive,' etc) but for a first-run film that someone wants to see, you can be very distracting if not acqueising to the social pressures of a real theatre.

[Jack Straw]

Because NOT being quiet is analogous to:
- Talking during a symphony.
- Jumping up and down in front of people trying to look at a painting.
- Farting when people are trying to eat a nice meal.

- Having sex in an apartment while the adjoining neighbors are home

[pinback]

Exactly! Finally, someone who understands me.

[Bugs]

Or like trying to give someone a BJ while they're on the crapper?