Jolt Country

In case my brother is reading this, I implore him to click the link. He only knows that actor as the drugged-out undercover guy from "Oz". We at least know him in a more respectable lawdog role from The Wire. To Mike, seeing Desmond Mobay sell Cadillacs will be very funny.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/st ... ampa/part1

Seriously, you won't believe how low this guy has gone. He's been reduced to this kind of unfunny shit. He is a shell of himself, and I think it's great that every website even remotely about sports mentions it, because you know he's the sort of insecure zero that is constantly typing his name into Google.

Yeah? Well, how's YOUR sportswriting career coming along? Oh yeah, quite well.

Never have I seen such prolific arguing with one's limpdick brother about how many chicks with panty crickets Bobby Hebert fucked.

Do you even follow football, or did you give it up when you were forced to mime fellatio to one during the yearbook shoot?

Does me not following football somehow magically make you not suck?

There is an entire website made up of people who agree with me about Simmons, at sons of the sports guy dot com.

The only people on your side over here is you and Pete/Nick Austin. When it comes to not being an insufferable douche writing about sports, I have the magic of pure numbers going for me.

Panty crickets?

Yeah, Bobby Hebert used to fuck women with panty crickets, but I guess you wouldn't know about that, since you're a girl

??

I don't give a crap about the overall sense of panty crickets

I still can't figure out if they're good, or, you know, not good.

Generally speaking, any type of insects in the genital area falls under the "not good" category.

Simmons writes the following today:

In the section about the Cadillac ad, I referenced "Wallace from 'The Wire'" when it was really the guy who plays Daniels. Yikes. According to John Hollinger, since my second kid was born, my PDB (percentage of dumb brainfarts per column) rating has nearly tripled thanks to lack of sleep. Occasionally, you're going to see brainfarts of the Wallace/Daniels variety in my columns, and that's just the way it is. So I'm going to apologize in advance for every ensuing brainfart in 2008.

This is actually fairly undouchey. Perhaps the old Bill from 2003 is coming back! Maybe I should just not read any football columns from him, until the Patriots go on their collapse, like every other dominant team in NFL history has.

...

... Well, he starts talking about series five of the Wire immediately thereafter, which is still in fucking progress and not on DVD yet. What a goddamn douchebag.

I would like to take whoever coined the term 'brainfart' and turn him upside down, hold him by the knees, and repeatedly slam his head into concrete.

It was originally coined by classmates of John Brainfarht, Minnetonka, MN., 1982.

Pwnfartd!

Bill Simmons wrote: I can't drive for more than five minutes without calling someone.

What a fucking douchebag.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

Bill Simmons wrote: I can't drive for more than five minutes without calling someone.

What a fucking douchebag.

That's an acceptable response to anything Bill Simmons ever writes, including "I like puppies."

Bill Simmons likes puppies? What a fucking douchebag.

gsdgsd wrote:That's an acceptable response to anything Bill Simmons ever writes, including "I like puppies."

I can only assume he's embraced his inner douchebag. This is what he wrote today:

Speaking of fans, here are three chants that I want to hear at the new Garden on Tuesday night:

1. "Se-ven-teen! Se-ven-teen! Se-ven-teen!"

(I want to hear that for the entire 30 minutes leading up to the game. I don't have to explain what it means.)

2. "Over-rated! Over-rated!"

(That's for every time Kobe shoots a free throw. I just think it would bug him and potentially cause him to jack up 20 jumpers in a row. By the way, that choice narrowly edged out "Pierce is better!" and "No one likes you!"

3. "We can smell it! We can smell it! We can smell it!"

(Only if we're up double digits in the fourth quarter. And only then.)

Not only is it douchey, it's horrible. He wants people to chant "We can smell it!" What the fuck? Here are some things that people chant at sporting events:

"Asssss-hooollllle"
"Let Them Play"
"Hexxxxxxxxx-taallllllllllll"

And so forth. "We can smell it"? I'm embarrassed writing it inside quotation marks. "We can smell it," he wants people to chant. How does someone write that in their diary, much less a column inexplicably read by thousands?

I won't even bother to get into the fact that his insecurities are magnified by his constant knob-slobbing of a fan base (the Celtics) that didn't show up last year. 16 titles wasn't enough to get them to stick around during a down year.

I only bother with his worthless slop because I've never seen someone descend into irrelevance so quickly or completely. The fact that his column is widely-read tells you everything you need to know about the average sports fan. Madden beat out 2K Sports and Front Page, and Bill Simmons is their favorite writer. It's enough to make you want to disconnect the arteries leading into your heart.

Celtic fans already know what to chant, "No means no" being the favorite anti-kobe chant.