That BBW I Dated That Once In Boulder

[AArdvark]

No posting of real-life info

So that means...

> No blue palm infested apartment

> No blind Eskimo

> No snakes a-loose in Co.


This makes for a very boring ride.


THE
I ATE JELLO
TODAY...

NO NOT REALLY

AARDVARK

[pinback]

"Shankini" is the answer we were searching for, by the way. Thank Christ.

[Vitriola]

I remember! "Shankini".

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Are those "o"s bullet points, or drops of hair dye that accidentally dripped off of that jaundiced albino-colored crop of used-toothbrush bristles you call a hairdo when you took your cap off for the first time in three months?

... I throw stuff into my hair because my j♂┐└├╔ likes it, moron. Oh, wait... your brain probably turned that word into gibberish in a sad-sack effort to protect yourself from the eternal humilation of having failed so badly in all things relating to it. I'd spell it out for you but you'd probably then go send my hot-cross-bun-as-a-letter joke into the Parrish Comedy Press again for the individual letters I type to you and vomit out some unfunny again.

Or are they actually small zeros, as you ponder and reflect, and count up the total number of projects which you've promised to one or all of us collectively and then actually came through on?

Or are you just totalling up the profits from your last game -- you remember, the one that had the installation routine that started by asking you "DO YOU WANT TO PAY 4 THIS GAME? [Y/N]"?

You have to pick, dummy. I either haven't finished anything, or else have failed to sell anything. You didn't even set these two things a few paragraphs apart. This is why I don't bother getting into it with you. You're no good at this.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

You'd have much better luck with that anyway just by sitting on them

Wait. . . is Jonsey fat? Say it ain't so.

Jonsey is fat. LOL.

"Hilarious." -- Jim Rome

According to the Internet and the people I have met through it I am a 400 pound black man with a giant gap in his front teeth who can't get laid who is also sitting inside a coiled Indian barter basket with a thousand biting, venomnous snakes while dressing poorly.

I mean, shit, I don't like to bring this up because it can only drive the bunch of you out of here, but can ANY one of you hit a baseball without inspiring gales of laughter to anyone unfortunate enough to see you try? I'm not talking about staring down Roger Clemens here, but let's bring it down by half of that. 47 miles an hour. And I'm talking with a bat, not it simply striking your half-dollar-circumfrenced wrists because you couldn't fire off the impulses to get out of the way fast enough. Can a single goddamn one of you hit a hockey puck into even an empty goal from 15 feet away?

Jesus Christ -- can any of you limp-wristed, funtime barrels of she-bulk throw a football? I'm talking not like a sissy here, like it was not a fucking primed grenade. I mean a reasonable spiral. Have any of you... ANY of you ever attempted to shoot a basketball without a giant stuffed animal in your peripheral vision? Can you even imagine what a backboard fucking looks like without also bringing up the image of a two-foot long plushie hippo and a quarter keg of cotton candy?

These are not difficult tasks. But aside from Da King (who never comes here anymore) and my brother (likewise) anyone seeing any of you perform those actions would result in your phone numbers getting wardialed by Barnum, Bailey and at least three Ringling Brothers. Watch out, Roberto Jenny, famed Half-Man Half-Woman of Big Top Legend! You will soon be out on the street as an even bigger and more awkward freak takes your place because he kicks a soccer ball three times worse than even you!

I never thought I'd live to see the day where the people on any form of this BBS turned on me because *I* was the unathletic one. I'll tell you what, if I ever do start packing it on all I'll have to do is imagine the bunch of you sweating and straining to do a single pushup or anything other than raise your arms to get your waiter's attention for that extra round of cow chips and squid bladder or whatever it is you power-shit upon a square plate and then upload pictures of and I'll vomit up my intestines and set myself right.

[Roody_Yogurt]

I've never played hockey and can't throw a decent spiral, but I'm pretty decent at those other things.

[gsdgsd]

I was pretty good at hockey before the women and the drink (and a bad knee) laid me low, so there.

[pinback]

You have to pick, dummy. I either haven't finished anything, or else have failed to sell anything. You didn't even set these two things a few paragraphs apart. This is why I don't bother getting into it with you. You're no good at this.

No, see, nobody ever asked you for Necrotic Drift. You never offered to write ND for anyone. I'm sure you could also successfully excrete the three gallons of week-old macaroni and cheese which you shovelled into your seeping maw with your Pepperidge Farms Summer Sausage fingers last night too, but you never promised to do it for anyone. Of course, if you charged a few bucks for it, you might actually be able to turn a profit on this one.

[pinback]

Jesus Christ -- can any of you limp-wristed, funtime barrels of she-bulk throw a football?

This makes a good point, and I think all of your athletic suggestions would be good for this bunch, to help us build up our arm muscles and upper body mass.

Now, when we're ready to work on our lower bodies, let me recommend Robb Sherwin's X-Treme Training regimen, whcih consists of kicking gaping holes in things anytime his girlfriend/caretaker brings him a glass of Crystal Light with too many ice cubes in it.

Just be careful you don't end up jamming your foot into anything load-bearing, Jonsey. I'd hate for the structure to collapse around you, thereby cheating Longmont City out of potentially hundreds of hours of future community service.

[Guest]

Does anybody remember what I said her first name was?

Started with a S, I think?

Please help?

Amy Friday?

[nessman]

Does anybody remember what I said her first name was?

Started with a S, I think?

Please help?

Amy Friday?

That was me who made teh funny.

[pinback]

That was me who made teh funny.

Really? Cool! Which BBS was that on? Link plz?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I am not as you described

I know, please excuse my hyperbole.

No, see, nobody ever asked you for Necrotic Drift. You never offered to write ND for anyone. I'm sure you could also successfully excrete the three gallons of week-old macaroni and cheese which you shovelled into your seeping maw with your Pepperidge Farms Summer Sausage fingers last night too, but you never promised to do it for anyone. Of course, if you charged a few bucks for it, you might actually be able to turn a profit on this one.

Please, tell us all about "profit" in your mealy-mouthed, half-assed, roundabout way which is perfectly in line with your personality and upbringing, seeing how your old man was so ashamed of your Zionist World Bank background that he changed your precious family name of "Jewenstein" to the dart-on-a-phonebook, unlikeable replacement you're currently not living up to. What a coward. What an equally old woman (and not just on the net, I mean). I bet he dove under his couch every time a Heineken commercial came on. Yes, by all means tell us about "profit" like the nigh dystopian-Earth-inflation amounts of it made by your quack doctors who kept bringing you in to chip away at the twin Jabbas who took up permanent skiff lounging on your chest. Christ, hearing you pour over the financials of that transaction brought more questions than answers but the primary question was "Is that in pesos?"

On the other hand, maybe it was the best thing for you because the obligatory sponge-down before they laughed and cut you up to shit was the first thing you had resembling a shower in years. Maybe when you've frightened off the female population of D.C. like you have every other major metropolitan area you've squatted down into and convinced yourself that it's them not you can do mankind a favor and not work on getting olfactory senses removed from our evolution by splashing around in Niagra Falls for a bit you lazy, sentient gas cloud.

Who trolls a guy because he didn't make any money selling his stupid video game? What's wrong with you?

[pinback]

What a coward. What an equally old woman (and not just on the net, I mean). I bet he dove under his couch every time a Heineken commercial came on.

Heineken is Dutch, not German, you idiot.

[pinback]

Though I can certainly understand you not having the time to do research on your pathetic attempts at turning people's dead relatives into humor. I'm suprised you even had time even to post anything, in between firing off emails to me, weepily grovelling and apologizing for whatever it is you did which you think pissed me off.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Oh dear, my end of lines were all fucked up there. Anyway, I am editing my post for that and not for any content.

[pinback]

Oh dear, indeed. Well, this is not how I wanted this to go at all.

I good-naturedly tried to fire some new life and excitement into the BBS, and 24 hours later, it has ended up with Jonsey exclaiming to me privately that he will never communicate willingly with me again, and goodbye forever.

This thread was so close to becoming Best Of material, too.

WHY JONSEY?!? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD????

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

You would have been in tears by sundown. And then I'm going to have to talk you off the bridge like I've done a million times before because you're fundamentally broken and at best only tolerated by the people around you and/or viewed as an emergency ATM when things go bad. Your parents split up not because they had irreconcilable differences but because neither one of them could face the other knowing that they brought a socially broken monster / would-be serial killer like yourself into the world and eversince you have done nothing but prove them right.

Only this time I am not going to talk you down so you'll of course plunge deep into your alcoholism, which you laughably tried to combat once and failed at it, like you have failed at everything you have ever attempted, not that it stopped you from getting little gifts at how sober you managed to stay, you pantomime of humanity.

As you smash the bottle of rum you just downed like it was grape kool-aid against the scratched-to-shit, substandard furniture your complete lack of style and taste made you buy and stab at yourself to get the stink out, I hope your worthless life flashes briefly before your (hollow, sunken, Paul Giamatti-inspired) eyes and you come face-to-snout with all the co-dependent tublies you utterly failed to satisfy, their sped kids and all your so-called "friends" who will be more relieved that they don't have to interact with you any longer and quickly cobble together excuses to miss your funeral, presuming you have one, which you probably won't because nobody will care enough to give you anything other than a shovelful of dirt onto your grotesque, only semi-human, plastic-surgeried shell.

No one you have ever met has ever truly liked you. I wish you better luck in your unliving, you miserable mate between wretch and ghoul.

[pinback]

No one you have ever met has ever truly liked you.

I was with you until this part. This, though, seems a bit presumptuous.

[pinback]

Seriously, now. Who ends a years-old friendship because of some goddamn stupid thread on a fucking INTARNET BULLITIN BOARD SYSTME????

I can only think that I've just woken up from a dream, and we're all still NINE YEARS OLD, which is good because:

1. Then Jonsey's behavior makes some sense.
and
2. It means I get another shot at not completely screwing up and/or wasting the last 25 years.

Oh, happy, happy day!!

(On the downside, now I have to wait 12 more years before I can legally purchase alcohol again!! OLOLOLOLOLOOO!!!!!!)