The Magnolia Files

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Tue Aug 05, 2003 1:43 pm

Violet on D!

Actually, you'll see that I said the three of you. I'm not singling any of you out. But when the three are together - well, I've seen top fuel dragsters making less noise. And it's not one of them, it's all of 'em.

And, I don't do it when you watch your cartoons. I might make a snide comment or two, then I leave you in peace. I have negative interest in such things, so why would I stick around?

As for you, Mr Jonsey, since when have I been a big yatting mess in a theater? I mind my own business, except for the obligatory "thumbs up-thumbs down" during the previews. Even when watching flicks at home - really watching, not just "something on in the background" - I try to concentrate on the movie, not on being the Clown Prince of Comedy.

At home, I don't like the talking during the movies, because, well - I'm trying to watch the movie! I don't want to have to turn it up really loud or turn the subtitles on in an English-speaking movie just to follow what's being said. Hence, I generally end up watching movies by myself or with the missus rather than with crowds. When the home theater is up and running and I'm doing a weekly Movie Night for locals, talking will be frowned upon and severely dealt with. (Duct tape for first offense, decapitation for second offense.)

You're still wrong about a time cut. He stands there in the subway station for just a minute or two - he does not stand there for five hours and it's compressed down to 30 seconds of screen time, with the "evil highlights" shown to us.

Dumb superhero weaknesses are a given. But I thought the "point" was to be a more realistic superhero/supervillian movie. The hero is a regular dude who just can't be hurt. The villian is a completely-lacking-in-superpowers weakling in a wheelchair. (Err, "spoiler warning") Yet, they come up with the weakest excuse for an achille's heel ever? How about this - he wouldn't have a weakness like that if he were "real"?

Man. Guess we'll never be seeing a "Marvel Two-in-One" with Unbreakable Dude and Aquaman joining forces to fight evil.

To be fair, I don't remember one where the guy goes all flaccid if he sees yellow. That would, indeed, be lamer.

But not by much.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 1:45 pm

Bugs wrote:Or like trying to give someone a BJ while they're on the crapper?

You know, this has never happened to me. I mean, obviously I've never tried to blow someone who was taking a dump, but no one has ever tried to blow me while I was taking a dump either.

Strange.

Bruce

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 2:18 pm

ICJ wrote:For what it's worth, I was under the impression that Jeff was talking about them watching a movie at home. If three sisters all watch a movie together at home and talk during it, really, who gives a damn?

This is exactly what I meant. Talking at the movies is intolerable. Though I've been known to bust out laughing, "at the appropriate time" very loud and obnoxiously. I try not to but sometimes these things happen.

And three sisters together...it's almost impossible to get us to shut up.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 7:55 pm

pinback wrote:This is the best, most perceptive review of Magnolia I've read yet: http://www.qwipster.net/magnolia.htm

The very last paragraph actually comes out and says what I've been thinking for quite awhile.

Just a little bit over half the way through, 2003 has already distinguished itself as one of, if not the most memorable year of my life. Check it out these, the four most important events of 2003, with regard to myself:

1. My dad died.
2. This whole Shortcake episode.
3. I saw Magnolia.
4. I decided to dedicate my life to the search for (and hopefully acquisition of) true love above all else.

#2 of course had a lot to do with #4. But even as inconceivable as this must be for those who deride the movie as long and stupid and suck-tastic, #3 had a big hand in it as well. Yes, kids, I'm prepared to say it now: Magnolia changed my life forever, and for the better, and if/when I do finally get to put a green box in the "Happiness" column, it will definitely be in the "Thank You" section of the liner notes.

Just as I was beginning to come to the conclusion that love was the most important thing in my life, there was this movie, in all its glory and splendor, showing me that very same thing in no uncertain terms. It was just what I needed to see, at just the right time, and it's part of the reason that it had (and continues to have) such an intense emotional effect on me. (The other part is that it just fucking rules, but as we've seen, that's open to subjective dispute, even though anyone who disagrees is woefully off-base.)

And for those who are curious, #1 had a hand in #4 as well, but that's a whole 'nother bag of kittens.

Beautiful post, Ben. Thanks for sharing that very emotional part of your life with us.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 8:15 pm

bruce wrote:
Bugs wrote:Or like trying to give someone a BJ while they're on the crapper?
You know, this has never happened to me. I mean, obviously I've never tried to blow someone who was taking a dump, but no one has ever tried to blow me while I was taking a dump either.

Strange.

Dear Bruce,

Not that strange.

Signed,

The Bounds of Good Taste

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue Aug 12, 2003 10:52 pm

Hi.

Bumping this for one sec.

Ahem.

Is this thing on?

I was wrong.

...

... Don't hate me. In this, I hate myself.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 10:10 am

Wrong, huh? So you admit that Signs sucks?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 11:11 am

No, Signs is a fantastic movie. That's not what I am claiming that just possibly I was wrong about.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 12:47 pm

Well, why don't you just go ahead and elucidate, for the rest of the crowd. Get this shit down in writing.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 1:13 pm

pinback wrote:Well, why don't you just go ahead and elucidate, for the rest of the crowd. Get this shit down in writing.

I don't think anyone wants to hear that.

Isn't it enough for me to confess to what I have confessed to already?

I just want to keep things "interesting." And ... li'l ole me backtracking a bit, surely, no one would find that interesting.

M. Night Shyamalan · Post by **M. Night Shyamalan** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 1:26 pm

pinback wrote:Wrong, huh? So you admit that Signs sucks?

I was considering going to war with Mr. Parrish to defend my film.

But war?

That's like American going to war with a piece of crap floating somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. I ain't gonna respond to anything Mr. Parrish says, as the guy seems to really get off on hating my film waaaaaaaaay too much, and, well, hasn't said anything worthwhile on the subject.

--from the set of my upcoming film, "The Woods," I am --

M. Night Shyamalan

Carl Sagan · Post by **Carl Sagan** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 2:02 pm

He probably didn't like Contact either.

M. Night Shyamalan · Post by **M. Night Shyamalan** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 2:57 pm

Yeah, but otherwise Ben Parrish's tastes are hip and timely. If, in fact, it were 1989.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Sat Aug 16, 2003 7:10 am

Did we ever figure out what oath of bond RobB reneged on? If it wasn't that Signs is a *great* movie, and I KNOW it can't be that Pinback is a pustule, it must be, and I shudder to even think it, that you actually like Magnolia????

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Aug 16, 2003 12:34 pm

I may have been slightly incorrect about a couple of things I thought about Magnolia.

But that's nothing! Please, everyone! Are you enjoying yourselves? Try the pate! The main course features nicely roasted duck that I'm sure all of you will find delectable. And ignore, please, the little man behind the sheet.

That Fiona Apple! Sure is crazy, isn't she? Ha ha!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Aug 16, 2003 3:42 pm

I'd like to hear a little more about this, myself.

I'm sure there are a few others in the crowd who'd agree with me. How 'bout it, folks? Would you like to hear a little more about Jonsey's changing views on Magnolia? Would that be interesting to read about?

'course it would.

So, ICJ, expound for your fanbase, won't you?

Bemused · Post by **Bemused** » Sat Aug 16, 2003 4:06 pm

I'd rather hear more about his changing views of medium well (rubber) steak.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Aug 16, 2003 4:23 pm

The Steak? I meant, by the Batman jpg, just to further explain just why I had ordered it that way to begin with. That scene, coupled with a formed habit of going to crappy steakhouses, resulted in the 'medium well' order.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat Aug 16, 2003 4:27 pm

Fuck the beef, goddammit.

Let's talk some Magnolia up in this.