Ben Buys Every Hot Sauce In New Orleans, Mini-Reviews Them

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat May 24, 2014 2:24 pm

Every store here has a huge hot sauce collection. I'm never leaving. We've been here less than 24 hours and I already have 14 bottles ready to go.

Let's get started.

HEARTBREAKING DAWN'S CAUTERIZER

I'd heard great things about this brand but never found it in real life before and never ordered off the web, so this was exciting. This particular sauce gets some of the best reviews I've seen on Amazon. Seems kinda wimpy, though, since the first two ingredients are apple cider vineger and apricot preserv--AUUAUHGHGHHHHHHHH

Approaching extract-level heat, but with nothing but fresh, delicious ingredients, combines with the assertive fruitiness to result in one of the greatest sauces I've ever had. It's not terribly thick, a good "pouring" sauce, except nobody would "pour" more than a few drops unless they were HARD CORE (or stupid).

(Or maybe those two things are the same.)

I cannot WAIT to turn this into a wing sauce and make wings. I suspect they will be the best wings ever made.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon May 26, 2014 10:35 am

Sure, maybe outside of western New York. You can have your little wings, pinback.

RetroR · Post by **RetroR** » Wed May 28, 2014 4:50 pm

I'm curious why Pinback is reviewing every sauce available in New Orleans that was made somewhere else in the country? He should be chowing down on the locally made BBQ and hot sauces.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed May 28, 2014 8:51 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Sure, maybe outside of western New York. You can have your little wings, pinback.

I'll allow you to continue taking this attitude with pizza. Barely, but I'll allow it.

You have to give the wing thing up, though. You have to. All of your assertions and assumptions are based on lies.

You know nothing, Robb Snow.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed May 28, 2014 8:55 pm

RetroR wrote:I'm curious why Pinback is reviewing every sauce available in New Orleans that was made somewhere else in the country? He should be chowing down on the locally made BBQ and hot sauces.

The problem here is that there are two categories of LOCAL hot sauces in New Orleans:

1. Gimmicky little $6 airplane bottles of "VOODOO LIGHTNING" and "DELPHINE LALAURIE'S (THE KATHY BATES VERSION, NOT THE HISTORICALLY HOT VERSION) SLAVE SAUCE FROM HELL".

2. Crystal, Tabasco, Louisiana, etc. brands of perfectly quality sauce that everyone already knows, and everyone already uses every day down there.

You want me to try Crystal, Tabasco, and Louisiana? Okay. Boom, I just did. They are all great. (Crystal is my favorite). Big deal.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Thu May 29, 2014 3:04 am

Is there a secret magic sauce there that everyone knows about and considers the holy grail of hot sauces, but is nowhere to be found?

"Mon, ye gots to try de Witch Sauce. I dunno whar to fine it buy ye gots to try it" ( I don't speak Cajun)

Something like that; is there?

THE
BAYOU
AARDVARK

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Thu May 29, 2014 7:27 am

AArdvark wrote:THE
BAYOU
AARDVARK

You're not running out of steam on these, are you?

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu May 29, 2014 8:17 am

AArdvark wrote:Is there a secret magic sauce there that everyone knows about and considers the holy grail of hot sauces, but is nowhere to be found?

No.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Thu May 29, 2014 6:02 pm

Heh, early in the mornings I don't put a lot of thought into the sig.

THE
UP NOW, COFFEE SOON
AARDVARK

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri May 30, 2014 9:35 am

CRYSTAL EXTRA HOT

Crystal is everywhere down there. You see it more often than any other sauce, including Tabasco. It's my favorite of the straight-ahead Louisiana sauces. The flavor is less vinegary and more balanced than many of the others, and the color is that beautiful fiery red which just speaks to freshness of ingredients.

Thing is, it ain't that hot. Like, if you want some REAL HEAT, you have to put almost too much of it into/on top of what you want to heat up, so that the flavor starts to overwhelm the actual dish.

They also make "extra hot", which I can't find locally, so I picked one up here to give it a shot. Knowing that it's still a popular, widely available product, I was expecting a little extra kick, but hey, every little bit helps.

WRONG. This is not a "little extra kick". The bottle says it's 3x as hot as original, and I would guess that might even be on the low side. It is significantly hotter than the original, while still maintaining (maybe even enhancing) the classic flavor.

I'll never go back to the original. Crystal Extra Hot is the best Louisiana hot sauce in the world.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri May 30, 2014 9:40 am

MARIE SHARP'S BELIZEAN HEAT

Of course I'd had this before, but I can't find it locally. It's one of the world's great hot sauces, and always will be, so when I had a chance to pick some up, I did. Nothing goes better on Carribbean grilled meat/fish/whatever. Few things go better on everything else. If you know anything about hot sauces, none of this is news.

I bring this up, though, because what I've noticed I CAN get locally pretty easily is Melinda's sauces which look and, I'll admit it, taste a lot like Marie Sharp's.

There is a reason for this, and if you are at all interested in either of those sauces, I want you to:

1. Read this.

2. Never, ever buy Melinda's.

I thank you for your time.

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Fri May 30, 2014 2:48 pm

Today, let us all vow to never, ever buy Melinda's, whether we want to or not.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat May 31, 2014 9:46 am

Agreed.

Also I've gone 1/3 of the way through the Marie Sharp bottle in 24 hours. It might actually be the best hot sauce in the world. I'm gonna put it on that pedestal for a week and see if it holds up.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri Jun 27, 2014 7:57 am

It is said (once I get done saying it right here) that a favorite hot sauce chooses you, not the other way around.

I have about 20 sauces in the house, 14 of which I brought back from NOLA. Many are very good. A few are excellent. A few are near-misses. Some are excruciatingly hot, some are mild as a newborn baby's farts. Trying to rank and rate them is just too big a task, as a variety like that has you comparing apples to oranges and oranges to rye bread.

All you can do is wait and see what happens. And after three weeks, what I noticed was that of all of these sauces, there was only one that I just kept going back to by default, to use on pretty much everything. Only one that's going to get emptied out within a day or two. Only one that I needed to re-order off the internet.

It is this:

It is made only of aged jalapeno and tabasco chiles, "spirit vinegar" (?) and salt. It is about the mildest sauce you'd ever catch me using, but unlike most other Louisiana sauces, it's the chile flavor that shines through before the vinegar and salt. It's smooth and perfectly balanced, and the addition of jalapenos means it's just as at home on a southern egg breakfast as on a carne asada burrito.

It's suitable as a straight replacement for salt and pepper, not asserting its flavor over the main event, but instead enhancing it.

I throw around "goes well on anything!" too much, but in this case I think it's 100% true. Just to test it, I tried it on Indian food last night, and it was perfection.

I'll always have hotter, wilder sauces around, but if I had to choose just one sauce to have around at the expense of all others, it is Louisiana Gold Green Sauce.

I thank you for your time.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:57 pm

The sauce chooses the wizard, young palate-wan.

THE
I NEED TO TRY HARDER
AARDVARK