Dark Shadows, a super compressed, Infinitessimal review

[AArdvark]

First off, you have to be in one of two groups to see this movie.

A] You have watched the television series.


B] You have not watched the television series.


Just a little back-story, DS was a Gothic horror television soap opera on at 4PM in the afternoon. It was low budget and rather cheesy in nature. Apparently the time slot was aimed at pre-teen girls just getting home from school, which accounts for the longevity of the show. (1966-1972)

*My wife tells me that she and her girlfriend would run all the way home from elementary school so they could tune in.

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Group A people will not like this movie. While some of the plot lines are taken from the TV show, there is enough new stuff to dampen the spirits (heh!) of the A moviegoer.

Group B people will not like this movie, but they will not like it less than Group A people, because The story line is middling fair. Plus the fact that they have no preconceived
ideas about what's going on so there is a mild entertainment factor.
I'm not going to cover the plot or any other typical stuff here. Please go to Rotten Tomatoes if you want that.

I have to throw in a vampire chart at this point. There have been many, no, too many vampires, in cinema recently. (actually they seem to thrive there, it's like we are watching the evolution of the vampire myth in two hour slices)
OK, let's put the classic vampire at the top of the scale, or number 1. This vampire follows all the rules laid down by Bram Stoker, well most of the rules. No turning into mist, or calling of the rats and frogs and things.
On the bottom of the scale, number 10, is the vampire that does not follow the rules. This is the sort of vampire that abhors killing humans and turns into a walking disco ball in sunlight. You all know who I'm talking about.
The Dreamy Johnny Depp vampire (and you have to call him dreamy, it's in his contract with Tim Burton.) is just about in the middle, we'll call him a Grade 5 vampire. He can mostly stir about in the daytime but will burst into flame if he gets in direct sunlight. He tries sleeping in a cardboard box and a cupboard like Eddie Munster, which wasn't very funny. The good news is he is also a bad-ass when he wants to be and has no problem ripping the throats out of construction workers and hippies; a bonus in my vampire book.

Honestly I wasn't going to throw this much thought into the review, but hey, I'm already here, right?

Dreamy Johnny Depp played Barnabas Collins much the same way like he did Edward Scissorhands, if that gives you any idea of his acting range. Most of the film's humor is Barnabas' inability to comprehend life in 1972. This was mildly funny for about twenty seconds.
I think Burton went slightly overboard in letting us know the time period. Counting on one hand, I saw:
--A Schwinn sting-ray bicycle.
--Operation; that goofy doctor game. Don't touch the sides.."Buttafingas!"
--Matchbox cars: more particularly the blue polyvinyl carrying case that held 24 cars.
--Rock-em Sock-em robots.
and many many other retro toys that Burton probably had when he was a kid. All these things were just there in the background. The clothes alone were enough to establish the era. It was just a little over the top if I may say so.
Oh yeah, Count Dooku was in there for all of sixty seconds, don't know why. This time he was a fishing boat captain. Why do directors keep using the same stable of actors anyway?

I give the move six quarts of blood out of ten. It's going to be a shelfer movie. That is, it will make an appearance on the video shelf when it comes out on disc, but we may never watch it again unless the sequel (and they did leave room for a sequel) is better...


THE
PLAY IT AGAIN
AARDVARK

[Roody_Yogurt]

It took reading this review for me to realize that Dark Shadows was not Passions (I thought it was just one, super-long running supernatural soap opera). All this time, I've been wondering how they could make a movie based on it without having an eerie-looking dwarf kid.

[Tdarcos]

A] You have watched the television series.

Just a little back-story, DS was a Gothic horror television soap opera on at 4PM in the afternoon. It was low budget and rather cheesy in nature. Apparently the time slot was aimed at pre-teen girls just getting home from school, which accounts for the longevity of the show. (1966-1972)

I remember it, although not much. I remember it being on TV when I was going to elementary school in Sacramento, California. I remember I had a friend at the time, and I went over to his house on occasion, and someone - probably his mother, but it might have been his father - didn't want the program on in the house because they felt it was too anti-religious, although, at the time, I would have no idea as to what they were referring to.

I didn't realize it ran until 1972, and probably didn't notice it when I was much younger. So it was probably some time around 1969 or 1970 when I saw it, occasionally.

[AArdvark]

I had no idea it existed until after I met my wife. Now, having d-loaded all the episodes for her, I can understand why.



THE
SOAP BY ANY OTHER NAME
AARDVARK