The Terminal

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Now they make new movies in old black and white
With happy endings, where nobody fights.
- Jimmy Buffett

Oh, what a sweet, happy movie this is! Ridiculous and absurd, to be sure (Tom Hanks magically learns the entire English language in about a day by watching the scroll on Headline News), but oh, you just want to hug everybody on the screen, even the bad guys, of which there really aren't any.

A smilefest from beginning to end, it's imperative that you turn off any hint of cynicism, dark sarcasm, or hatred of the human condition before you even see the first frame. This can be harder for some than others, but if you can manage it, the movie will pay you off with warm smiles, giddy little school-girl giggles, and the occasional reach for the tissue box.

Groundbreaking, no. Brilliant in any respect, no. But if you've got the capacity for it, it'll just make you go a big rubbery one! (Assuming you don't hate Tom Hanks... but who could ha-- oh.)

*** (three stars)

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(Also, CZJ continues to win the award for the most painfully, achingly beautiful woman to ever live. You almost have to look away from the screen for fear that your eyes will break apart. Damn.)

[Vitriola]

I hate Tom Hanks. I hate CZJ. She's the most gawdawful actress who ever got shat onto a screen, and seriously? I don't think she's pretty. She's very...regular. I don't like the harsh, bold look in favor of sultrier woman, but holy shit, she's a clunker in every movie in which she's been cast. TH: classic overexposure and almost as annoying as Robin Williams. In another decade, it'll be hard to decide who to not go see first.

[Vitriola]

Hey Robb, you reant anything lately? Anything local? Featuring girls? From, I don't know, Next Door?

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I hate Tom Hanks.

I have no idea why.

I hate CZJ.

I have no idea why.

She's the most gawdawful actress who ever got shat onto a screen

This is truly absurd. This is a review borne of prejudice, not prejudice borne of an objective judgement.

and seriously? I don't think she's pretty.

And seriously? No straight male alive would agree with you. Or if they did, they would agree with you because they've learned out of psychological self-defense to say they don't think pretty women are pretty, because they can't get any of 'em.

She's very...regular.

Heh. Heheheh. Where do you live, and are there any rooms for rent?

TH: classic overexposure and almost as annoying as Robin Williams.

Well, what are we gonna do. It's the ol' "agree to disagree" situation. The fact that NOBODY in the history of film criticism agrees with you will I'm sure only fuel your righteous crusade against the mainstream.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Hey Robb, you reant anything lately? Anything local? Featuring girls? From, I don't know, Next Door?

Yeah.

The Girl Next Door is completely rephrensible and worthless. The girl from 24 bites her lip for two excruciating hours and the scriptwriter is really, REALLY pleased with himself. He loves this movie.

The scene where we find out that the girl from "24" is in porn is completely ripped off from "Chasing Amy," but done so laughably badly that I can't believe it was actually shot and put to film. The bit where the boy "loses" girl -- and have no fear, this is a boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl movie -- is so overwrought with faux tension and tears that it will make you want to get a bigger toilet installed so it can handle all your throat-rocketed bile without clogging. There was NO reason for the boy to like this girl, except that she was hot and she showed an interest in the very first person she encountered when she moved next door. None. She's a bitch and a tease and not a good friend and has no esteem and brings nothing to the table. She bites her lower lip, though.

Everyone knew it would be bad, but Christ -- this bad? This is the worst movie I've seen in years. I honestly didn't think it would be as terrible as it was. I apologized to Dayna for putting it in the Netflix queue. I said I was sorry three times. And please note that I showed her "Street Trash" last week, and was happy to.

Anyway. There's not nearly enough tits because that would improve it, and we couldn't have that. Annnnnnd of course the star of the movie isn't showing us anything. Why would an actress playing a porn star take her clothes off? What? Are you crazy? Shame on you for thinking that! (Natalie Portman plays a stripper in some upcoming piece of trash as well. Why would you have to take your clothes off for that? Huh???? I don't get it.)

There was one good part -- the porn producer who used to fuck the girl from "24." He looked like Ian Michael Black (or whatever combination when shaken Magic 8 Balls-up his true name) but played the part without snickering irony, which of course Black Michael Ian would have. He should get to be in another movie, but everyone else should be banned from ever appearing anywhere again. They should be infected with classic RPG vampirism so that their images could never again be captured on film as a suitable punishment.

Zero out of five stars.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

TH: classic overexposure and almost as annoying as Robin Williams.

Well, what are we gonna do. It's the ol' "agree to disagree" situation. The fact that NOBODY in the history of film criticism agrees with you will I'm sure only fuel your righteous crusade against the mainstream.

CZJ is very beautiful, but everything she says or does is an attempt to ruin that beauty. From the roles she picks to the way she comports herself to the way she carries herself and so on.

I chalked it up (not that anyone gives a shit what I think about this) to her picking roles in which the character she plays comes off as bitchy or annoying. But then when I was waiting for my girlfriend to get in from her 12 hour flight (It's very difficult to fly in the winter. And when it's not the winter) I saw her on the Tonight Show and she was no different. She brings the qualities nobody likes to her parts.

Maybe it's different for you, Pinner. I guess you'd like a woman who literally couldn't see anything other than herself and was only tangentially aware of your existence. I bet your dad would be real proud of you. I bet all your friends would at first be all like dayum!! ("DAY-um!!" -- Carl Johnson) Pinner is gettin' his freak on with that top-shelf bitch ... but then we'd have a dinner party or something and at the end of the night when we went to say goodbye our throats would be all rusty like we hadn't spoken in three hours. Which, of course, we would not have been doing because Catherine Zeta Jones would have dominated every fucking moment of the conversation and you'd be too much of a whipped pussy to let her know this.

Fuck you, Ben.

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TH: classic overexposure and almost as annoying as Robin Williams.

Well, what are we gonna do. It's the ol' "agree to disagree" situation. The fact that NOBODY in the history of film criticism agrees with you will I'm sure only fuel your righteous crusade against the mainstream.

CZJ is very beautiful, but everything she says or does is an attempt to ruin that beauty. From the roles she picks to the way she comports herself to the way she carries herself and so on.

Does "TH" look like "CZJ" to you, ICJ? Was the quoted paragraph above talking about Catherine Zeta-Jones, or Tom Hanks? Hmm, let's see if there's any clues.

TH... TH... what could that stand for...

Ohhh!! CaTHerine Zeta-Jones?? THe woman in Intolerable Cruelty? Or could it perhaps mean... something else.

[Debaser]

And seriously? No straight male alive would agree with you. Or if they did, they would agree with you because they've learned out of psychological self-defense to say they don't think pretty women are pretty, because they can't get any of 'em.

Is she pretty? Yeah. Is she EYE GOUGINGLY gorgeous? To be honest, that chick in the Pantene commercial who lives in a trailer and has her boyfriend tie her hair in knots and pull it fills me with a greater sense of existential longing.

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Seriously? I don't think she's pretty.

And seriously? No straight male alive would agree with you.

Is she pretty? Yeah.

Like I said.

[Lysander]

The movie sucked. 0 stars.

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Good job, JB. It would appear that your post not only killed the thread, but indeed killed the entire base.

Masterful.

FIVE STARS OUT OF THREE

[Jack Straw]

who the fuck is jb? Jim Bertulli?
Only Worm can give more than the maximum number of stars. He's fucking batshit insane.

[Lysander]

Good job, JB. It would appear that your post not only killed the thread, but indeed killed the entire base.

Masterful.

FIVE STARS OUT OF THREE

I'd like to thank the academy.

[Lysander]

Good job, JB. It would appear that your post not only killed the thread, but indeed killed the entire base.

Masterful.

FIVE STARS OUT OF THREE

I'd like to thank the academy.

BTW, that's the funnyest thing I've ever written on the internet. Just in case you didn't know. I mean, thanking the academy! In the movie base! When I'm being complamanted for destroying the movie base! Ah! AH! The layers upon layers of meta commentary!

[Lysander]

Oh, and anyone who responds with "if thats ur best thn ur pretty sad, lolz faggoit" gets a very slow hand clap. Okay?

[Debaser]

even the bad guys, of which there really aren't any.

Except for the obsessive-compulsive security guy who kept fucking with Victor in order to... um... spite? Did he have any motivation whatsoever for anything ever? One minute, he's threatening to ruin peoples lives just to fuck with Victor, the next he's like "oh, that loveable rapscallion, let him go".

2.046783 OUT OF FIVE STARS

PATHETIC GEEK MOMENT: When the Food Cart Guy found out that Security Girl was a trekkie and needed Victor to ask her one more question, I was totally hoping it would be "Kirk or Picard". Of course, then Security Girl would have answered "Sisko" cause she's black (and Sisko's awesome), and then it would have all gone downhill from there because Food Cart Guy was obviously a Picard fan and probably makes snide comments about the newer Trek incarnations on Usenet all the time.

On the other hand, I like Hollywood's perception that hot black chicks often go to Star Trek conventions.

This Pathetic Geek Moment has been brought to you buy Cool Ranch Doritoes. We still call them "Cooler" Ranch Doritoes, despite the fact that it's been three years since we updated the flavor and they taste the Goddamned same as they always have anyway.

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Sisko was terrible. DS9 was terrible. Voyager was terrible, but at least it didn't take itself seriously.

I hate DS9. I hate Sisko. I'm guessing he wasn't Jewish, because he sure seems to have eaten a lot of HAM.

Get it?

HAM???

Because, he overacts? And stuff? Ham?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

GET OFF THE STAGE

[Debaser]

Sisko was terrible. DS9 was terrible. Voyager was terrible, but at least it didn't take itself seriously.

You're terrible. But at least no one takes you seriously.

I'm guessing he wasn't Jewish, because he sure seems to have eaten a lot of HAM.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!



THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE!!!!



LIFE WITHOUT TRADITION WOULD BE AS SHAKY AS A FIDDLER ON THE ROOF!!!!