Ben's Workplace Hot Sauce Collection

Funny threads throughout the site's history.

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Post by pinback » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:49 pm

Another tack you can take if you want to ascend the heat ladder is to ROLL YOUR OWN!

I find this to be a highly enjoyable activity, and the very perfectest of all uses of your bottle of extract sauce which just sits around all the time waiting for unsuspecting guests to come over so you can prank them.

For this, you will need:

1 bottle of the sauce with your favorite flavor.
1 bottle of nightmarish extract sauce.

Now, take a bunch of your yummy sauce, and put a single drop of extract sauce in it, mix thoroughly. Is the heat level where you want it? If so, you're good to go, if not, another drop!

In this way you can have the perfect taste for you, mixed with the perfect heat for you, and you will be a very very happy boy or girl.

EXAMPLE
---------

Today, for my lunch sandwich, I took about a tablespoon and a half of African Rhino Peri-Peri, a delicious sauce, and mixed it with about three drops of Black Mamba.

The result was a sauce which retained the luscious flavor of the Rhino sauce, but which still imparted enough pain that I felt I had really LIVED lunch, and not just shoved it down.

ROLL YOUR OWN!
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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 12, 2006 4:46 pm

Speaking of which, let's get back on it with a review of:

Black Mamba

My relationship with Black Mamba began as a rocky one. It arrived in my latest shipment from sweatnspice.com, during a time when even I was getting a little "hot sauced out". Though the shipment included such gems as the aforementioned Toxic Tonic, and the upcoming Talon, I looked upon the bottle of Black Mamba with a sigh and lack of enthusiasm. Oh boy, another mega-extract sauce that nobody can eat and that tastes like ass and that I'll have a toothpick of and never open again.

And it was only $12. For a 2 ounce bottle.

I tested it first by putting a drop on a piece of bread and chowing down. Now, I'd read by hyperventilating chileheads on the internet that this was in the "MILLIONZ OF SCOVILLEZ!" range, like, beyond even the Blair's 3 AMs of the world which go for five times as much.

Preparing to be destroyed, I placed the bread in my mouth. Immediately I was overwhelmed by... nothing! For the first few seconds, I didn't detect any heat at all. Then a fairly sharp, predictable wave of extract-infused head spread around my mouth, but certainly nothing in the deadly range that I'd experienced with other, similarly advertized sauces.

So, I put a few more drops on another piece of bread, and tried that. Again, nothing at first, and then a rising, sharp burning arose.

I sneered at the little bottle, closed it back up, and then walked away from the table.

That's when the wave hit, which generated my initial comment on Black Mamba, offering money for my own swift, painful death. BOOM. Hot. Hot hot hot.

Still, I didn't go back to it for quite a while. Why would I? I got nothing from the initial taste, and just extract-fueled unpleasant pain from the aftereffect. What's the attraction?

It was only after a couple weeks that the real value and qualities of the sauce began to sink in. And in the final analysis, there is really very little to dislike about Black Mamba. Check it out:

1. The ingredient list is unique. Three ingredients: extract, vinegar, and chocolate habaneros. I never even knew there was such a thing, but there are, and this is the only sauce I've seen that uses them. Trust me, though, they are only for coloring, as the taste is pure extract.

2. Speaking of that, the color is this fascinating brownish-orange that I've not found in any other sauce, a color you can't quite describe, and which almost makes you want to underestimate the sauce's power. Don't.

3. The bottle is this awesome little 2 oz. flask bottle, about the size and shape of a cellphone, and just as easy to carry around. It is a perfect candidate for a "never leave home without it" sauce, just in case you find yourself in need of heat. And in fact, I have not left home without it in several days.

4. It's a remarkably thin sauce, which makes me think that it actually does approach the scoville levels of Final Answer and 3 AM, because those too are also thin, not the chunky paste-style extract sauces you'd find in Dave's line or the lesser Da' Bombs. It swishes and sloshes quite easily in the bottle, and pouring by the drop (a necessity) is a snap, even without a dropper. It also looks cool, as it slides off the glass after a good shake.

5. Let's face it. Black Mamba is a cool name, and it's got a picture of a snake hiding in the dark and staring at you with cold, dead eyes on the front. That's cool!

At the end of the day (and I hate people who say that), there's really very little difference between the high-octane extract sauces -- you'll use 'em mainly to mix with other things, they all smell and taste like extract (and hopefully the taste goes away when you mix it) At that point, really the main differentiators are style, convenience, and value.

Black Mamba's style and convenience are nearly unmatched, as previously described.

Though I don't believe it's the "MILLIONZ" range, I would definitely believe it's in the few-hundred-thousand range, and $10-$12 for 2 ounces of stuff that'll last you that long is a pretty good value, too.

To conclude, it's my current "go-to" sauce, and the one that never leaves my side, and which makes me anxious for the next meal and another chance to use it!

I give Black Mamba FIVE STARS.
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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 12, 2006 8:44 pm

I just made a cheese quesadilla and topped it with sour cream and a mixture of Melinda's Chipotle (review upcoming) and Black Mamba, and it's the best goddamn motherfucking thing I ever stuffed in my face, INCLUDING Bruec's cock.

Hot sauces, baby.

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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 12, 2006 9:05 pm

And now a picture, of the:

MELINDAMAMBADILLA! The best thing ever!

Image
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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 12, 2006 9:18 pm

Here's a picture of Mamba next to a regular-sized bottle (in this case, an empty After Death, another FIVE STAR choice.)

Image

Here's a picture of Mamba on its side so you can see what it looks like. Chocolate habanero goodness.

Image
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Post by savvyraven » Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:16 pm

Wow, slaving away at the kitchen, taking all sorts of fancy photos, making a tasty meal for yourself.....while I didn't even eat dinner because I've been packing for 5 hours!!!

You suck major ass!

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Post by pinback » Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:32 am

Wow. Just, wow.
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Post by bruce » Fri Oct 13, 2006 9:54 am

savvyraven wrote:You suck major ass!
And, apparently, my cock.

I have no memory of this event, but then again I have quite a few alcohol-induced blackouts.

Bruce

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Post by pinback » Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:26 pm

I refilled that empty After Death bottle today.

I present to you:

The AFTER DEATHADILLA!

Image

After Death is the best sauce ever. SIX STARS.

PS: For those Pinback historians among you, this is the final meal I will enjoy in my Playa Del Rey apartment.

Pictures of the first meal from Valencia upcoming.
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Oct 13, 2006 9:13 pm

You are moving in with your girlfriend, aren't you?
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Post by pinback » Fri Oct 13, 2006 9:16 pm

That is correct.
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Oct 13, 2006 9:17 pm

I called this a week ago. A WEEK ago. I am the Internet Detective Sherwin Holmes.
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Post by pinback » Fri Oct 13, 2006 9:26 pm

I already told you this.
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Post by pinback » Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:23 pm

It sure has been a while before we reviewz a saucez, hasn't it? I guess that means that this is a good time to REVIEWZ A SAUCEZ!

Now is...

Nando's Chickenland Extra Hot Pepper Sauce

Relative to many of the other saucez on this list, this one's fairly mainstream. I even saw it in a Vons last week, so if you're ready to explore the saucez world, but don't feel like investing the time and/or energy of going to sweatnspice.com or Le Gourmet Chef or something, this could be a good choice.

But that's not why I'm reviewing it. I'm reviewing it because over the course of two (2) meals, my lunches today and yesterday, I emptied an entire bottle of it.

Mainstream or not, this sauce is good.

Nando's Chickenland is, I guess, some chain of chicken-oriented restaurants in South Africa or some damn place, and they branched out into their own line of saucez. They offer medium, hot, and extra hot. I've tried both the hot and extra hot, and though the extra is probably hotter, neither one of them is going to blow the top of your head off. But that's okay, this one's all about flavor.

After a while, with sauce after sauce going past your lips, a lot of them start to taste alike. Can you tell the difference between 100% Pain, Marie Sharp's Beware, Melinda's XXX Habanero sauce? Sure, but at some point, they all sort of start to blend together. Every once in a while, a sauce will come around that really stands out from the others.

Nando's is such a sauce, and one word can describe the primary differentiator: Lemon.

Lemon puree is the third ingredient on the list (after water and vinegar), and it shows up as soon as you open the bottle, and as soon as it touches your tongue. That sharp little citrus tang is positively hypnotic. Now you know how a 5 oz bottle went bye-bye in the space of two lunches. You can be sitting there saying, "yeah, I guess this sauce is okay", and then before you know it, it's absolutely gone.

The color is an inviting tannish-orange, and it pours smooth and easy, due most likely to just a touch of sunflower oil in the recipe. And pour it will.

The chile mix is of serranos, peri-peri and cayenne, and so this sauce can provide a refreshing break from the constant deluge of habanero sauces you may have been subjected to.

So, what more can I say? It's a sauce becoming more widespread, and with a wonderful, balanced, tangy flavor, and which goes great on everything -- especially chicken.

I guess I'll go ahead and give Nando's Chickenland Extra Hot Pepper Sauce FOUR STARS.
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

Draal

Post by Draal » Fri Nov 03, 2006 7:54 pm

Would Pinback mind putting together an announcement list of e-mails to inform the citizens of Jolt Country when his fine sauce becomes available?

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Nov 03, 2006 8:03 pm

Draal wrote:Would Pinback mind putting together an announcement list of e-mails to inform the citizens of Jolt Country when his fine sauce becomes available?
Yes. Much like his world-famous sauce, his webmastering is also world-famous for suddenly getting the web part turned off. I understand, that's fine... I just want to buy some sauce.
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Nov 30, 2006 9:19 pm

What would it take to get expediated shipping on the ole SpicyKat, eh?
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Dec 01, 2006 4:55 pm

God DAMMIT.

I can either get 5 fluid ounces of After Death sauce for 5.95 or I can get thirty goddamn fluid ounces for thirty bucks. I'd really like to spend, I don't know $20 total and still get a good amount of sauce. I mean, I'm saving up for an Orbital Two after all. Orbitor One. Whatever the fisting fuck it's called.

HELP ME HOT SAUCE KING!
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sat Dec 09, 2006 3:08 pm

pinback wrote:Oh, okay, good. Death Sauce is very edible, and delicious.

After Death would likely kill you instantly if you hadn't taken the time to warm up to it.
Jesus Christ. JESUS CHRIST!

Okay, so I ordered some Blair's sauce on eBay three days ago. I think I even posted into this thread about it. I thought that "After Death" was the sauce I got last time and ... I don't know, After Death XXX was the one I graduated to.

Anyway, the mail came today. I took out a tortilla and sprinkled some cheese on it and stuck in the microwave. This is just something to experience the sauce upon, after all.

Well FUCK ME TIMBERS I got After Death instead of Death. I had a bottle of 79 cent Ashanti Louisiana Hot Sauce around, which wasn't all that hot. I had been putting that on things recently. Needless to say, the change in heat had me convulsing, hiccuping and thrasing about.

I can't take more than a single drop of it.

Fuck.

THE BURNING
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Post by pinback » Sat Dec 09, 2006 4:15 pm

Yeah, it's a killer.

But, onward and upward. The next one is Sudden Death.
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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