Pump It Up II

Funny threads throughout the site's history.

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Pump It Up II

Post by pinback » Wed Jul 02, 2003 2:39 pm

Alright. Here's how we're going to pump it the HELL up. Are you ready for this? No, you're probably only ready to make sarcastic, obnoxious, worthless comments in retort, but I'm going to have to take that chance.

This entire Shortcake episode has taught me one thing. One important thing, that I probably could have picked up on sooner if I'd listened to any of those goddamn cloying saccharin whiny little songs. Here it is:

All the flying, all the composing, all the cooking, all the playing poker, all the Vegas trips, all the golf, all the movies, all the cats, all the chinese food, all TEH CONTENT, all the BBSes, all the beaches, all the oceans, all the rollercoasters, all the strip clubs and porno flicks and family reunions and Ruth's Chris steaks and Safeway "Bourbon" Vodka is all complete, utter, unmitigated, incontrovertible, irrefutable fucking BULLSHIT.

Bullshit. Meaningless. Worthless. I can't look at one stupid thing on that list and make myself care one damn bit about any of 'em. And this used to be my life. And I was happy with it, because I had compartmentalized and repressed every last bit of myself that forgot that there could be something more.

But now that fucking Shortcake, slutty little cocksmoker she is, woke up this sleeping giant, and now it's on. Now it is on, because hear the news:

I want love in my life, right fucking now. That's it. That's all of it. I want someone to love, and someone to love me back. And I want it with a quickness.

I'll keep laying pipe to Shortstuff over there, and we'll have a good old time, but the concept of waiting around for her to get her head out of her ass no longer holds any appeal for me. I am not going to wait around for her. For anyone. This has got to happen, as soon as possible.

And that's why I've come to you today. Because I am enlisting the support of anyone with the heart, and the guts, and the committment enough to join me in this battle, surely the most important battle of my life. I am gathering together my soldiers, and with their strength and determination, we are going to make this happen. I am creating:

Pinback's Army of Love

It will not be easy, people. There are going to be days you wish your mother never had you. But we are going to do it. We are going to take that hill. We are going to conquer paradise and stick our flag at the top of the tallest tower in the capital city. We are, simply put, going to pump it up.

So I ask you now, and do not consider this question lightly, because once you're in, there are only two ways out, Death, and Victory:

Who is with me?

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Wed Jul 02, 2003 2:44 pm

Does that mean we're going to go with a buffet?

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Post by pinback » Wed Jul 02, 2003 2:47 pm

Due to deficiencies in this BBS software (which sucks, BTW) I will have to wait until this thread has run its course before rounding up all the inappropriate, off-topic, ridiculous comments such as the above and shoving them into the Troll Room.

James Bond

Post by James Bond » Wed Jul 02, 2003 3:18 pm

So all you assface basteech motherfuckers who aren't witha Pinback shut the fuck up and plant your face into the pavement, and alla those with Pinback GIMME A HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!!

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Post by Jethro Q. Walrustitty » Wed Jul 02, 2003 3:54 pm

For the record, it's fairly trivial to split the offending messages out of the thread and toss them into another base. Don't blame the software for you not knowing how to use it.

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Post by pinback » Wed Jul 02, 2003 4:32 pm

But you're just going to post something else repugnant, and then I'd have to create a NEW thread, and then a NEW one, and then a new one after THAT. I'd like to keep all of the should-have-been-deleted posts together in one thread if at all possible.

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Post by pinback » Wed Jul 02, 2003 5:51 pm

Alright, nobody's with me. Nobody wants to join the Army of Love.

That's cool, too. I can do it with ya.

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Wed Jul 02, 2003 6:56 pm

So the Army of Love's job will be to get you dates? Wow, I can't believe people aren't signing up like crazy.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Wed Jul 02, 2003 7:02 pm

pinback wrote:Alright, nobody's with me. Nobody wants to join the Army of Love.
I thought about the army. Dad said, "Son, you're fucking high."

I understand where you are coming from. I can not join you.

I love women. I really do. I love everything about them, from how they are squooshy in all the right places to how they sometimes say a thing that is funny and that no man would ever think of. But unfortunately for me, every damn last one that I am even on remotely good terms with lives nowhere fucking near me. My entire life has become some sort of sideshow or circus where those that dig me (or would dig me) only get to see me when I begin some kind of fucked-up world tour.

This is the case because I have been in my element in these other locales. I'm not "in my element" out here in this place. Not even close. And I blame the Turbo Grafx-16 for this.

Allow me, please, to explain.

Many, many years ago I would go over to Walrustitty's house and he'd have one of his thousand abandoned consoles or computers up and running. One such time I plugged in "It Came From The Desert" into his TG16 and began to play it.

I became hooked on this game, and not because of the gameplay or the story or anything. I became hooked because of the setting. That game takes place in an area that is so desolate, so empty, so out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere... well, shit, wouldn't that be a pretty good way to live? Just out near a dust-covered street, miles from anything important? Somehow that setting got attached to my head.

And this place is like that out here. It's right from that game. Maybe Arizona would be a closer match, but still. And I should say that I absolutely loathe the heat -- if I lived in a climate that never reached above 50 degrees I'd be psyched. I have become stuck out here because, against my wishes, I've become accustomed to the emptiness.

(The town I am likely moving into in a couple weeks is even worse than the Fort in this regard, too, for what it's worth.)

All the things I hate about myself come to the forefront out here. When I am back home I am pretty confident that any joke I make -- which are the same jokes you get on this BBS -- will be received well. Here, shit. Nobody, men nor women "get" that sort of comedy. I'm fucking trapped out here and I hate it, but I can't think of another place on earth I'd rather live out the rest of my years, all other things being equal.

So I bite my tongue. I become more silent and forgettable than I am anywhere else. And it's terrible. It really is. Join your army of love, Pinback? Get the sort of local companionship that sensitive, gardenia-loving types like you and me treasure so much? I can't. I can't! How can a person get to love somebody else when they in fact hate themselves?

That, I ask you, sir.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Wed Jul 02, 2003 7:03 pm

Additionally: Roody Yogurt is the 2003 version of Andres Galarraga of this BBS. He may not take as many at-bats as everyone else, but he's mashing the freaking ball when he is up there.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

James Bond

Post by James Bond » Wed Jul 02, 2003 7:16 pm

I point to my previous post and withdraw into the shadows before my utterly fowl mood gets me in trouble.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Wed Jul 02, 2003 7:48 pm

Roody_Yogurt wrote:So the Army of Love's job will be to get you dates? Wow, I can't believe people aren't signing up like crazy.
If Pinback starts calling himself the Commander-in-Chief of the Army of Love, well, that's when I shut this whole place down, kill myself, provide instruction for those of you who would like to do the same and just put up a link to SPAG for the survivors.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Wed Jul 02, 2003 7:52 pm

I'd throw a link to http://www.carouselchain.com/if .... I mean, FoD is actually maintaining its place in the top ten, so maybe it finally is getting all the recognition it deserves.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Wed Jul 02, 2003 8:03 pm

I got zinged the other day by one of those guys going around giving "1"s to everybody. I felt properly initiated, finally. Heh.
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Post by pinback » Wed Jul 02, 2003 9:48 pm

Pinback's Army of Love Report: Current Order of Battle
----------------------------------------------------------------

IN:
Pinback (General)
Saeid Zoonematkermani (Major)
Clash (Captain)
"Lil'" Franky Quan (Corporal)
James Bond (Corporal)

POTENTIAL:
Lisa Prato (Colonel)
Tara Arthur (Captain)

OUT:
Ice Cream Jonsey
Roody_Yogurt

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Post by Jethro Q. Walrustitty » Thu Jul 03, 2003 6:00 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:And this place is like that out here. It's right from that game. Maybe Arizona would be a closer match, but still. And I should say that I absolutely loathe the heat -- if I lived in a climate that never reached above 50 degrees I'd be psyched. I have become stuck out here because, against my wishes, I've become accustomed to the emptiness.
You know how they say that "you can never go home again"?

Don't believe 'em.

Rochester with ICJ in town would transform into the non-stop pop-rockin'est city on the planet.

Well, at the very least, it'd be cool. Then we can work on getting TRM back in town. Mission impossible? No, my friend... just highly improbable. Where's the Heart of Gold when you need it?

(BTW, the Hitchhiker's Guide comics suck.)
(The town I am likely moving into in a couple weeks is even worse than the Fort in this regard, too, for what it's worth.)
What you doing out there??? Trying to isolate yourself further from the world? Are you planning on being one of those gurus who sits on top of a mountain and pontificates all day, and weary souls hungering for knowledge will go through the physical and emotional hell that is the mountainside journey in order to hear you mumble wisdoms more weasely and evasive than anything John Edwards ever said?

I'll assume that you are only moving there because they'll give you a month-by-month lease deal. As, surely, your life is about to go in one of two directions:
1) You're offered to stay on, in which case it probably makes sense to stay there - but for God's sake, try living somewhere not so damn desolate, so your out-of-town buddies are inspired by your joyous tales of glee and actually make a trip out to see you, or...
2) You're told to not let the door hit you in the ass, in which case it probably makes sense to head east (like Sherwin Jr) and re-establish yourself, even if it means living with the folks for a couple months until you get a job again. At the very least, in town means hanging out with your huckleberries and going to the Canadian totally-nude strip bars with Loafergirl and probably a bunch of other horny chixx0rs.

Though I am sort of disturbed that you called my sister-in-law "liquid sex on a keyboard" - remind me to wear gloves next time I work on her PC.
(Does this also mean that she's "liquid sex on a controller" when playing a fighting game on the PS2, or "liquid sex on a dance pad" when playing DDR?)

As for Pinback - well, if he's not even going to try, then I'll consider him finished.

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Post by Violet » Thu Jul 03, 2003 6:44 am

JQW wrote:Does this also mean that she's "liquid sex on a controller" when playing a fighting game on the PS2, or "liquid sex on a dance pad" when playing DDR?
Yes, yes it does. More so for the DDR though.
The End

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Post by Jack Straw » Thu Jul 03, 2003 8:23 am

out

Not R. Sherwin?

Post by Not R. Sherwin? » Thu Jul 03, 2003 8:32 am

I gotta own up to not following this.

I don't get it. Yet, am I not R. Sherwin?

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Post by Jethro Q. Walrustitty » Thu Jul 03, 2003 8:38 am

Violet wrote:
JQW wrote:Does this also mean that she's "liquid sex on a controller" when playing a fighting game on the PS2, or "liquid sex on a dance pad" when playing DDR?
Yes, yes it does. More so for the DDR though.
Yikes! And here I thought it was just sweat dripping onto the pad!

Bring a mop with you next time. Gotta clean that up before the dog sees the puddle of moisture and thinks it's his drinking water.

For all interested parties: bottled jars of Violet's DDR-inspired liquid sex will be on eBay after the weekend. See you there!

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