Pinback's Three-and-a-Half Second Movie Reviews

Funny threads throughout the site's history.

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The guy from 'The Mask'

Post by The guy from 'The Mask' » Wed Jun 04, 2003 10:48 pm

SsssssssMOKIN'!

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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 05, 2003 8:40 pm

Chasing Amy

My most recent and most cherished hobby has been coming on here and spewing vile in Jonsey's general direction. Couple that with my predilection to find Kevin Smith movies overrated and overhyped, and I was actively, ACTIVELY looking forward to hating this movie. And God be praised, what I found was a shallow, simple movie about shallow, simple people, ripe for my inevitable tidal wave of derision. So, without further ado:

Um.

Well...

Fuck.

FUCK.

FUCK!!!

It's great. I liked it a lot. I laughed often, and by the grace of six beers, actually teared up a couple of times. By far the best K. Smith movie there is (though I've not seen Mallrats). Not flawless by any means, and rating it as the "greatest movie of all time" is even less excusable than the horrible name of this base, but...

Fuck.

(***1/2)

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Post by ChainGangGuy » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:13 pm

Meet the Feebles

The reason why I don't like it: It's a horrible, dumb movie. Wow, Muppets doing gross stuff, insane! Whoa, that one is killing another one! Oh my! Now those two are fucking! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Dumb movie. Loud, dumb movie.

(1/2)

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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:16 pm

You know, that's interesting. Because I thought the title of the thread was "Pinback's Three-and-a-Half Second Movie Reviews".

Jonsey, there might be a[nother] bug in the BBS software, because apparently the thread titles are not displaying properly on ChainGangGuy's system.
Last edited by pinback on Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:16 pm

Come on now, where did I say it was the "greatest" movie of all time? I said it was my favorite. Which it is.

"How can it be bullshit to state a preference?" -- Rob, High Fidelity
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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:18 pm

You didn't say it was the greatest, I'll give you that. I guess I'm weird in that I rank movies by, you know, how good I think they are?

The only movie that breaks this rule is Dark Star, which I still wouldn't put on any "top ten" lists that the public could see, for fear of... well, of a thread like this happening, in reverse.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:24 pm

Wait. Wait one damn second.

For YEARS I thought your star system was based out of four stars. FOUR STARS!

But you gave Magnolia five the other day.
And that Led Zeppelin rubbish four and a half tonight.

What the fuck?!! When you gave Fallacy of Dawn three and a half stars, I thought it was half a star away from the best rating possible! When you gave Beat the Devil four stars, I thought you were giving it your highest score! Shrapnel, three stars! With TWO to go now?!!?!

This has changed everything there is to change in terms of how you and I interact. Jesus. Here, I thought I did good on FoD in your eyes. But it was barely over mediocre!!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!!

Did you just recently change to the five star system?

Edit: You say this in your Shrapnel review:

"So, this is a great piece of work, no doubt, and surely accomplishes all it set out to. Halfway through, I was trying to think how I could expand my rating system to include more than four stars. Unfortunately, that never became an issue."

So: What gives?
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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:34 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:For YEARS I thought your star system was based out of four stars. FOUR STARS!
Oh, heavens no. I have always worked on the BONUS FIFTH STAR method.

Let's review, shall we?

0 stars: Indescribably horrible.
1 star: Very bad. Nearly inexcusable.
2 stars: Mediocrity in its most pristine form.
3 stars: Solid. Real solid.
3.5 stars: Flawed, but excellent.
4 stars: Beyond reproach. This is as high as any normal movie/album/whatever can get, without affecting me on a deeper level.

4.5 stars: Stratosphere. Brilliant and ethereal, with perhaps a few niggling flaws restraining it from ultimate purity.

5 stars: Thermosphere. Ultimate purity. The Ninth Level of Hell.
And that Led Zeppelin rubbish four and a half tonight.
Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?
What the fuck?!! When you gave Fallacy of Dawn three and a half stars, I thought it was half a star away from the best rating possible!
Well, no. But 3.5 is pretty good, as you can see from the above scale.
When you gave Beat the Devil four stars, I thought you were giving it your highest score!
Now, really, would you rank BtD among the greatest of all time? I think not. It did what it wanted do with a confidence and joy that I found immensely satisfying. But more than four stars? Not likely.
Shrapnel, three stars! With TWO to go now?!!?!
When you get past four stars, you're moving past any form of objectivism present in my reviews. Four is as good as anything can hope to get, without, as I said, touching me on a more personal level. The most perfectly built robot would get four stars from me. One that then gave me a satisfying blowjob would get 4.5. See what I'm saying?
This has changed everything there is to change in terms of how you and I interact. Jesus. Here, I thought I did good on FoD in your eyes. But it was barely over mediocre!!
Hopefully the above explanations will soothe your troubles spirit. 3.5 is an EXCELLENT score in my book. If there hadn't been those trademark Jonsey bugs 'n' bloopers, we're talking four stars easy here.
Did you just recently change to the five star system?
I believe I answered this already.
to think how I could expand my rating system to include more than four stars.
Realistically, no IF work could ever get more than four stars from me, because, well, I mean, Jesus Christ, it's a fucking text adventure. It's not a medium with the capacity to affect me deeply enough to whip out "number five", as I call it.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:37 pm

(I think you started writing this before my edit up there. But either way.)
pinback wrote:Realistically, no IF work could ever get more than four stars from me, because, well, I mean, Jesus Christ, it's a fucking text adventure. It's not a medium with the capacity to affect me deeply enough to whip out "number five", as I call it.
God damn you. Nothing I am working on is likely to change that either. But it could. Far easier than some "movie" or "album." Because with a game, you're *involved.* Damn you for saying this at this point in the here and now.
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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 05, 2003 10:43 pm

The problem is, in order for a text adventure to be that effective, it really can't be a text adventure. Or it has to be puzzleless, in the Cadre vein.

Because otherwise, in any text adventure, you're going to see this in part of the game transcript:

Code: Select all

> open door with key
The key won't open the door.

> punch cat
The cat hisses at your attack.

> open door with cat
You can't unlock the door with the cat.

> kick cat
The cat dodges your attack.

> throw cat at door
The cat bounces deftly off the door, which refuses to open.

> kill cat
You are unable to kill the cat.

> break door
You are unable to break the door.

> break cat
You can't break the cat.

> xyzzy
A hollow voice says, "HUrrR DURrR"

> eat cat
You can't eat that.

> hit cat with knife
The cat dodges your attack.

> open door with knife
You can't open the door with the knife.

> xyzzy
A hollow voice says, "HUrrR DURrR"

> quit
At SOME point in the game, you're going to get stuck, and then get pissed off, and from then on, all the sweat is off of that bud.

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Post by Lex » Fri Jun 06, 2003 5:28 am

There will never be another Boy George reference.
WHOOA!

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Post by pinback » Sat Jun 07, 2003 9:15 pm

Adaptation

One thing you can say about Spike Jonze is, he's consistent. You can also say that about me. Here was my reaction to Being John Malkovich:

"Yeah, real clever. Yawnzors."

This is basically the same reaction I just had to Adaptation. Spike, baby. Listen to me. You pick smart-as-fuck, quirky stories. You take chances. You're a visionary. I like that. But there's more to making a movie than having funky stories, taking chances, and being visionary.

I dunno, maybe it's me. Everyone else says these two films are God's gifts to celluloid.

Personally, I think they're just to clever for their own good. Adaptation, if you're paying attention, you "get the joke" about halfway in. From then on, it's like having the same joke told by a really impressive orator. Except, it's still the same joke, and he's going on and on and on in the telling, and by the end, it just ain't funny anymore.

"Self-indulgence" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

(***)

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sat Jun 07, 2003 9:21 pm

Holy crap, that totally sums up my feelings for BJM. "Yeah, real clevaaaHYAYAAAAAAAAAAAWN."

Being Andrew Plotkin was better entertainment.
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Post by pinback » Sat Jun 07, 2003 9:32 pm

> BAP was better blah blah blah, sorry sorry sorry.

I totally agree with this. Let's all go back and read my review of it, shall we?

They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sat Jun 07, 2003 10:03 pm

No. They fuckin' don't.

Hey, did you want in on any of this "Update Week" talk going around on RFTK? I presumed not, but hey, I thought I'd at least offer.

Plus: You hated No Time to Squeal, didn't you? It's alright. You can tell me.
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Post by pinback » Sat Jun 07, 2003 10:36 pm

1. I would very much like to be a part of Update Week. Except I have not playing anything, and have nothing to offer. I suck.

2. I have not played that particular game. Good, you say?

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sat Jun 07, 2003 11:08 pm

Writing about Interactive Fiction is, quite frankly, the last thing that anyone is planning on doing for Update Week.

So far, a review of an X-Men game and a discussion regarding Shenmue appear to be in the can.

Hey, Bruce. BRUUUUUCE! You want to be interviewed for Update Week?

Anyway, to be completely honest with you, there are sections of NTTS that I wish, years later, that I could have improved upon. There are sections regarding NTTS that I feel constitutes some of the best writing that I have ever done in IF. What it does have is the best programming ever in a Robb Sherwin game, because Mike Sousa did the programming. Har, har, har. But to be honest, it is not a game of mine that I think you would "dig."

Plus, reviewing a fellow Kripper's game for Update Week would be kind of cheesy.

I am quite interested in your opinion of MANY of the recent IF games that have come out recently, however. I can provide a quick list if you think that would be of any value.
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Post by looper » Sat Jun 07, 2003 11:40 pm

Hey Roody, have you seen Bottlerocket? It was written by the same team as wrote the Royal Tannebaums: Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson. Owen and Luke Wilson are in the movie. Good movie.

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Sat Jun 07, 2003 11:51 pm

Yeah, Bottle Rocket is great. I had mixed feelings for it the first time I saw it, but when I saw it a second time a couple months ago, it was pure enjoyment. It's definitely a must-see for anyeone who doesn't think much of Owen Wilson.

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Post by looper » Sun Jun 08, 2003 12:36 am

Agreed. Bottlerocket seems to be the purest distillate of the Wilson brothers' humor/style.

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