"Nice boots. Wanna fuck?" is generally considered traditional.

Sure, you get punched in the face a lot, but at least you didn't waste much time or effort getting there.

I had a dream the other night--and this is sad--that I was at some place--some high-rise place--that had a thrift shop in the basement. And this thrift shop had a whole bunch of Intellivision cartridges. And I was getting all excited about them and talking with great authority about the Intellivision--which isn't even in my top two 1980s game consoles--and the cashier chick, who looked like Julianne Marguilese (I hope I got that close to right--the hot brunette Latina chick from E.R. a few years ago), was so turned on by my classic video game knowledge that she pretty much jumped me right in the store.

The reason that I mention this, is that things like this <b>NEVER EVER EVER</b> happen in real life, even though they should.

Another point being, it never did me any good to conceal the fact that I was a nerd, because it's not like she wouldn't figure it out pretty fast. And if she <i>is</i> a woman who likes nerds and dorks--and they do exist--then you've just made a connection that's going to be leading quickly to lube spattered all over the apartment and <s>shrieking orgasms that piss off the neighbors</s> pillow-muffled moans of delight.

Bruce

For conversation starters, I'm partial to the following:

"I'm fucking *bored*. Are you?"

Of course context is everything, and this goes over better in a bar than, for example, at a wake.

[quote="pinback"]At some point, you're going to need to choose between making fun of me for [i]loving[/i] every movie ever made, and [i]hating[/i] same. [/quote]

Someday. Yes, true, true... someday.

In the mean time, there's a big practical joke in my PANTS.... and of this joke, you're the butt.


[quote]You seem to have confused yourself in your efforts to belittle me.[/quote]

After re-reading what I wrote above, you would seem to have a point. Very well, I concede.

At some point, you're going to need to choose between making fun of me for [i]loving[/i] every movie ever made, and [i]hating[/i] same.

You seem to have confused yourself in your efforts to belittle me.

[quote="pinback"][quote="gsdgsd"]2) Say something that expresses an interest in her while revealing something about yourself.[/quote]

Gimme a few examples of this.[/quote][/quote]

Don't you automatically get an insight as to some of the hobbies these girls have when you look at their on-line descriptions? Fuck, Parrish, I wish I had that sort of "intel" when I am chugging and churning meeting girls.

Just pretend you're Peter Parker. You can not fail. You'll either get her giggling or at least smiling or, if not, have your self respec-- oh, that's right, you hate comics and therefore a medium which has tons of great lines that you can steal and that NO woman on the face of the planet has already heard is completely lost and alien to you.

Well, good luck with that.

Hey, I got a great idea. Try to get her talking about movies. I'm sure after she admits to liking even three movies within a fortnight you'll be so disgusted with her choices and bad taste that you'll be wanting to gnaw your own ears off so that you don't even have the CHANCE at having to listen to her drone on and on and on any longer.

PS Don't boot me out of the Army of Love you goddamn rube.

[quote="pinback"]Gimme a few examples of this.[/quote]

Well, here's an example from this evening.

(scene: our hero is sitting in a pub, eating his dinner (no food at home) and sipping a beer. He's also reading a book.)

(Cute girl sits nearby.)

Me: <smiles>

Cute Girl: <smiles back>

Me: How're you doing?

CG: Not bad. How're you?

Me: Doing well... making travel plans. <KAZAAM! References something potentially interesting about myself.> What're you up to? <KAZAAM! Turns focus to her.>

CG: Just hanging out... where are you going?

I'll spare you the paraphrased rest, but I got a phone number this evening, motherfuckers.

[quote]And then gimme a few examples of things to say to someone you're on the phone with from like, matchmaker.com or something.[/quote]

I've done the online things a few times, generally after relationships end, with interesting results: if you're just looking to get fucked, you only meet girls who want relationships. And if you're looking for something long-term, you only meet girls who're looking to get fucked.

But anyway: remember that they're (likely) just as nervous as you are. If you laugh nervously, that's ok. Make meaningless small talk, and then ask if they'd like to do something; if they DIDN'T want to do something, they wouldn't have given their phone number.

Greg

[quote="gsdgsd"]2) Say something that expresses an interest in her while revealing something about yourself.[/quote]

Gimme a few examples of this.

And then gimme a few examples of things to say to someone you're on the phone with from like, matchmaker.com or something.

"Soooo, how long have you been so desperate you had to go onto a goddamn website to look for a date, loser?"

As Robb said, there are no good lines. At this stage of the game, everything sounds like just that -- a line. But two tips:

1) Smile at her.

2) Say something that expresses an interest in her while revealing something about yourself.

Nice and general, huh? I realize it may not be that helpful, but if I gave you anything more specific, you'd end up telling them about this guy named Greg who lives in Atlanta.

If all else fails, go to a club, get fucked up, and tell a girl "You're cute. Are you gonna punch me in the face if I kiss you?"

It isn't pretty, but it works, podner.

Greg

You can't do it that way! It's all situational.

"Shag it and bag it." -- Alan Havey

Look, you'll know within ten seconds if a girl has a sense of humor or not. If she DOES, you just need to keep saying funny things, and calibrate yourself to her sense of humor.

Unfortunately, no girl in Southern California has a sense of humor, so it's a wasted effort. This is all hopeless for you. You want to see a bunch of lines work? Say them IN A PORSCHE.

[b]COMMENT:[/b] "I run something called Pinback's Web Forum"

REACTION: (while not in a Porsche) "Ah. Okay. I need to wash my hair."

REACTION: (said while in a Porsche) "HGLUA HGLUA HGLUA"


[b]COMMENT:[/b] "The best friend I've never met is called 'Ice Cream Jonsey.'"

REACTION: (while not in a Porsche) "That's great, Brian I've got to go now..."

REACTION: (said while in a Porsche) "HGLUA HGLUA HGLUA HGLUA"

What are you driving these days? Are you still driving that blue Ford Escort you had back in the days of the original PWC website? Ditch it. Ditch it, man. KNOW YOUR TERRITORY.

If you picked Shortcake up in a Diablo or a Countach, I guarantee you that she'd want to be your wife, much less girlfriend. That's why she went to SoCal in the first place, to date a <strike>Lamborghini</strike> guy who owns a Lamborghini.

Okay, so far, this isn't going the way I wanted.

What I need is *specific words* to say. I need the exact sentences that I need to spout.

Yes, I KNOW this was already covered, but it was covered POORLY, and so I'm trying once again to get the answers I want. [i]Specific[/i] answers.

[quote="Worm"]I'd find a common dislike. You could say your phone connection is bad and apologize or say your cat is bothering you or something like that. That usually can strike up a conversation.[/quote]

I can second this.

The girl I met at Brew's wedding had the same cell phone as I. What do I spend most of my on-line life doing? Bitching about stuff. I was able to go from using one subset of my vocabulary ("So... do you like... stuff?") to another ("this cell phone has taken more abuse than a chlorformed pinata, and the run time on the battery is shorter than the jockeys that make up the Mexican National Horseracing Team.") I ask you, famed denizens, which offers better odds for the lovely young lady in question to begin removing her clothes?

And the best part is, it wasn't like my cell phone magically got better through a disciplined series of revisions or anything. Hers *was* just as bad as mine. I tell you, if that girl had ended up pretending to be single rather than pretending not to be, I would have nailed her like I was crucifying a prophet.

On that note, Pinner, I would actually suggest that you work the word "pinata" into dialogue as soon as possible. It's really the perfect conversation starter. So make that one of your fifty things there. "Pinata!!!!"

Madre dios!!

Check the "best of" archives. There should be a thread or two discussing this very problem.

Hey, I remember a while back when you first moved out to your new place (or was it your last place), and you were taking all sorts of digital photography of the area.

I mean, there's something right there. Just casually mention how you've moved out there relatively recently, and talk about how beautiful you find the area. It'll make you seem "sensitive".

I'd find a common dislike. You could say your phone connection is bad and apologize or say your cat is bothering you or something like that. That usually can strike up a conversation.

Okay, troops, here's the deal. Your boy here? Your boy Pinback? You know how deftly and with great wit and quickness he wields the English language on here and on various other websites that nobody ever reads?

Well, as true as that might be, the fact is that, at least in a situation where I barely know you and are not terribly comfortable, in real life I am actually NOT that good a conversationalist. Actually, I quite suck at it, I believe.

Now, part of our mission is going to entail me calling women who I've not met except over a computer, being set up on dates with people I've never met, and generally being thrown into social situations which I've traditionally run from as quickly as possible due to my inability to handle them, or at least my own perceived inability.

That needs to change, though, if we're going to PENETRATE ENEMY TERRITORY.

And that is why I need:

[i]Conversation starters.[/i]

Non-fraudulent-sounding places to take a discussion if the dreaded lull comes up and I can't think of anything genuine to say (which is most of the time, because I'm not that talkative to begin with). A standard example is: "What kind of work do you do?" (though even that one I can't pass off without sounding, or at least feeling, like a tremendous faker.)

Help? I'd like to gather up about 50 of 'em, study and memorize them, and then practice saying them like I mean it, so that any time I need to, I can just whip one out and look like the big conversationlist.

Help?