Frozen Chicken Review

by **Amethyst** » Sat Jul 14, 2012 1:55 pm

[quote="pinback"]Alright, fuck all y'all. This is FROZEN CHICKEN REVIEW, and I'm going to review some fucking frozen chicken. Don't like it? Don't know WHYYYY I'd eat frozen chicken instead of fresh? Know somewhere you can get BETTER CHICKEN? Got some other shit to pollute this place with? DO NOT CARE. Came to review frozen chicken, gonna review frozen chicken.

Pinback, I think I like you.

PREPARATION: Threw the "chicken breast fritters", as they are called, on a baking sheet, lined with foil this time so it wouldn't completely ruin the damn thing. Instructions recommend 350 for 15 minutes, which is a JOKE. Shit wasn't even borderline LUKEWARM by that time. My oven sucks, yes, but these instructions are... they're dreaming. Basically went 400 degrees for 40 minutes, in one more desperate attempt to make the "crispy batter" crispier than a bowl of cornflakes that's been sitting in milk for three hours. FAILED, by the way -- the only crispy parts could also be described as "burned".

My oven does NOT suck. I had the exact same result. "Squooshy" batter and all. My only question is; Why did you not foresee that I would decide to purchase this product, psychically obtain my contact information and notify me before I wasted my time and money? I'm not sure which is more dissapointing, that, or the texture of the Foster Farm's Bourbon Chicken.

by **Tdarcos** » Sat Dec 17, 2011 11:14 am

pinback wrote:
Flack wrote:Is your significant other partaking in these chicken taste tests as well?
No. She thinks I'm a vile and disgusting pigbeast for eating this crap.

Does she have anything to add to your reviews?
"Pinback is a vile and disgusting pigbeast for eating this crap." - Savvyraven

Actually if you dropped the last four words that statement would still be unconditionally true 100% of the time. I thought of using the revised quote, but that would be out of context.

I once had fun quoting Ray Gordon out of context, until a true gentleman, a user by the handle of Psyberzombie called me out on it. I only did it to see if anyone would notice.

He wrote a comment about someone else's FAQ:

Ray Gordon wrote:>Interesting FAQ.

Just write it another way:

Say "I am a useful idiot who is easily swayed by propaganda and have such a pathetic need to belong."

It was too juicy to pass up, so I used it virtually as is:

postmaster@paul.washington.dc.us wrote: "I am a useful idiot who is easily swayed by propaganda and have such a pathetic need to belong."
- Ray Gordon, June 6 2003
http://groups.google.com/groups?&selm=2 ... 03.aol.com

I had to admit to Psyberzombie that I have a conscience and thus I can be swayed by appeals to honor*. So I dropped the item even though it was just too juicy to pass up.

It's been several years since Psyberzombie stopped posting, he just quit at some point. My best guess is, he probably died. I still miss him, he was so funny.
----
* " And Paul, earnestly beholding the council, said, Men and brethren, I have lived in all good conscience before God until this day." - Acts.23:1

by **pinback** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:22 pm

Flack wrote:Is your significant other partaking in these chicken taste tests as well?

No. She thinks I'm a vile and disgusting pigbeast for eating this crap.

Does she have anything to add to your reviews?

"Pinback is a vile and disgusting pigbeast for eating this crap." - Savvyraven

by **Tdarcos** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 8:02 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Flack wrote:Not within minutes -- within seconds! "Hot and Ready" means literally that. They're hot, and ready.
Are you - you, Flack X. McFlacken - YOU telling me that after 100 years of people eating pizza, there's finally a place that is anticipating customers arriving? Instead of it being a complete fucking surprise?

(Actually, I like that you have to wait for pizza, but that's besides the point.)

Actually, pizza places only being able to make to order makes sense, because pizza isn't ordered "off the racK," virtually every pizza is custom made. Wings, on the other hand, are pretty much the same, mild or spicy and the sauce comes in a packet. So they can heat up batches of wings and have them ready for walk-up (or delivery) customers.

Since you can't 'pre cook' part of a pizza and then make it, the only time they can really make a pizza is after you order it. Places that provide buffet pizza (like Cici's here in the DC area) make a bunch of standard pizzas and put them out, but if you ask for a special then you have to wait for it.

I don't see how a pizza place could provide walk-up or drive-up pizzas that are different except to order.

by **Flack** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 7:09 pm

Is your significant other partaking in these chicken taste tests as well? Does she have anything to add to your reviews?

Personally I have such a low bar when it comes to what's edible that I'm sure any of these would work for me, but I'd like to find a really nice one to spring on the wife.

Microwaveable would be a plus.

by **pinback** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:24 pm

Right, here we go.

Next up:

BANQUET CRISPY CHICKEN

When you hear "Banquet", what do you think? Well, if you have spent any time in a grocery store or skid row (or a DOLLAR STORE), you'll think, the cheapest goddamn frozen meals in the store, and what most homeless people eat while sitting on streetcorners in their own homeless filth.

So it was with quite a bit of trepidation that I entered the world of:

BANQUET CRISPY CHICKEN

PREPARATION: Box says 350 for 50 minutes. Given my terrible oven, and the fact that I don't care anymore, I went 375 for 60 minutes. This worked out well.

TASTE: It actually tastes (and looks, unlike most other Banquest products) like what it's supposed to be, that being good ol' fried chicken. There didn't appear to be much seasoning other than in the batter, but was there was definitely reminiscent of oil and grease and all the other things you want fried chicken to taste like.

TEXTURE: As with all of these other "crispy" disasters, I was ready for the onslaught of soft, mushy batter that covered every square inch of food on offer. Well, you should have seen the LOOK ON MY GREASY FUCKING FACE when I CRUNCHED into that piece of chicken! It wasn't just crispy, it was fucking CRUNCHY. Crunchier, in fact, that any "fresh" fried chicken you're going to buy from the deli counter, or a fast food joint, or anything else. I don't know how Banquet can do this and none of these other loser frozen chicken companies can't, but it's fucking brilliant! It has in a large way ruined other, "better", fried chickens for me, because... the crunch! GOD HELP ME, THE CRUNCH!!!

OVERALL: An absolute delight, and as surprising as a Tim Tebow to the gut. Banquet... ya done good.

Ya done good.

I give Banquet Crispy Chicken SEVEN CHICKEN PARTS OUT OF EIGHT

by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 7:20 pm

AArdvark wrote:Well then, I WONT ASK WHY!

Thank you, Varkus. I think we have all spent too much time in our lives asking why, and not enough time asking whuu?

by **Flack** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:29 pm

pinback wrote:Alright, just to be clear:

1. I can believe Robb hasn't seen frozen chicken at his grocery store.

2. There are approximately seventeen tons of frozen chicken available for purchase at his grocery store.

He doesn't "go" down that aisle.

He doesn't "go" anywhere.

Robb doesn't "go" anywhere.

Frozen chickens don't "go" anywhere.

ergo ...

Robb is a frozen chicken.

by **AArdvark** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:59 pm

Well then, I WONT ASK WHY! Hmmmph!
(crosses arms and turns back towards computer screen)

Perhaps some kind of motivational background would be helpful to those of me that don't understand the frozen chicken review behavior happening here, BUT THAT'S OK! Let your freak flags fly. I can live and let live here as well as any other thread.

Could you please put in a dollar amount of the chicken product under review so we (I) can correlate the value of price vs. goodness? Thank you in advance.

THE
SQUINTY-EYED
AARDVARK

by **pinback** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:19 pm

PREVIEW:

Tomorrow, we will be reviewing:

BANQUEST CRISPY CHICKEN

Look how goddamn MOIST AND DELICIOUS that thing looks!

by **pinback** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:18 pm

Alright, just to be clear:

1. I can believe Robb hasn't seen frozen chicken at his grocery store.

2. There are approximately seventeen tons of frozen chicken available for purchase at his grocery store.

He doesn't "go" down that aisle.

He doesn't "go" anywhere.

by **Flack** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 6:14 am

I see the false one.

It was not a "fun fact".

by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:53 am

I.... can't.

Can anyone else?

by **pinback** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:21 am

Here is a Colorado fun fact: there is no frozen chicken in any grocer's freezer. I've never seen it.

Those are two separate statements. One is true! One is false! See if you can guess which is which.

by **Flack** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:20 am

Here it's available both frozen and Hot and Ready. Or you can just go to one of the outdoor flea markets and buy a live chicken.

Not kidding.

by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:12 am

No sweat. You'll all know if I ate take home pizza based on next Monday's weigh-in. That's all I am saying.

Here is a Colorado fun fact: there is no frozen chicken in any grocer's freezer. I've never seen it.

by **pinback** » Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:20 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: The other thread shall have the answers on Monday.

Yeah? Alright, can't wait, buddy!

Meanwhile I'll just be here, reviewing frozen chicken, if y'all don't mind.

by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:53 pm

Flack wrote:Not within minutes -- within seconds! "Hot and Ready" means literally that. They're hot, and ready.

Are you - you, Flack X. McFlacken - YOU telling me that after 100 years of people eating pizza, there's finally a place that is anticipating customers arriving? Instead of it being a complete fucking surprise?

(Actually, I like that you have to wait for pizza, but that's besides the point.)

What am I going to do with this knowledge? Am I going to pick up a "Hot n' Ready" pizza, eat it on the way home and throw the box in the ditch outside my house?

The other thread shall have the answers on Monday.

by **Flack** » Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:31 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Flack wrote:Little Caesar's wings are also part of their "Hot and Ready" menu, which means no waiting.
Whoa, is that what that means? I never took that literally. You're saying I could go to a Little Caesar's, to the drive-through, say, "Give me a fucking pizza" and within minutes I will be driving away with one?

Is that what you are saying?

Not within minutes -- within seconds! "Hot and Ready" means literally that. They're hot, and ready.

Also, good news! I called tonight and was told that it is possible to buy Little Caesar's wings frozen from the store. Pinback, I would like to request that you do this and compare them to the other crappy wings you've been eating. I think you will see the light.

by **Off Topic Poster** » Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:09 pm

While out at Pizza (Pi symbol to make it sound like Pizza Pie), the person getting our group order calls to ask which kind of wing to get. The choices were mild, honey bbq, cajun, and nuclear. There were no choices between mild and nuclear, so nuclear came home. From what I heard the guy at the counter was all 'But they're HOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT' in the voice of the Asian guy from the Hangover. Boy howdy were they hot. Ate 1 wing a day for the next week. Fuck mild.

Frozen Chicken Review

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Foster Farms Bourbon Chicken