Having read the first page, I ask you the question: why should anyone be interested in your story, what's the hook?
I'm not trying to play one-upsmanship here, but let me quote from page one of my book:
"Hi Bill, how are you doing?"
"Good afternoon 246."
"I presume that's him there," 246 says, pointing at a man sitting on a bed, with his trousers and underpants pulled down to his ankles.
Right here, I establish that the guy on the bed has done something or these guys are about to do something to him. Now the next line:
"Yep. The computer says he arrived from the United States. Specifically California. 15022 EN Leroy 504337. Unbelievable, isn't it?"
These guys ain't your typical criminal types like some punks doing a
Deliverance like rape (reference to the guy's pants being down at his ankles), in fact they're probably cops, since this guy has been identified by some sort of serial number. It's a recent or future story since they have computers. Also they're not American cops (he came
from the United States), so this is some foreign place. This might be a mystery story or a crime story or police procedural, so I hook the reader into wanting to learn more.
And I do all this in the first 6 lines of the story. I learned that from Robert A. Heinlein. The reader has lots of things he can choose from, why should he invest time (and cash, if you're intending to be a professional writer) in your story? Heinlein realized you have to grab them by the first page. He was
brilliant, the greatest science fiction writer the world has ever known.
Why should we want to read your story, what is going to hook the audience?
Why should they care?