Trevor Immelman is as white as they get.

[quote="pinback"]And I'm not sure if making jokes about "South Africans" being "black" is truly [i]aspiring for greatness[/i], but like Tiger, maybe Robb was also having an off-day.[/quote]

There's like 60,000 white guys in South Africa, but that's all you ever hear about. Is he white? I assumed he was black just playing the percentages, but I had no idea. It's like if all the famous Americans werre Iroquois.

Also, one final note:

Pimiento cheese sandwiches are actually very good, at least I thought so. I may even have them at other times of the year!

Well, what are you going to do. Everyone else but Trevor Immelman did their part and collapsed like a lamppost made of cottage cheese, but two things kept this from being #14 on Tiger's major list:

1. Trevor Immelman, previously winner of a single event in his career, had the week of his life, and just never screwed up. Picture-perfect golf. If someone comes out of nowhere and has a magical four days, this is what happens.

2. Tiger could not make a putt if you put a clown's mouth over the cup. If he had putted even [i]average[/i] for him, he wins going away.

For Tiger fans looking for good news, it's this:

He can putt like crap, not have a particularly great week otherwise, and still come in second. He used to either win majors or finish like a million shots back. Now he wins, or comes in second. He's always there. He's playing the best golf of his life.

Just wasn't his week.

And I'm not sure if making jokes about "South Africans" being "black" is truly [i]aspiring for greatness[/i], but like Tiger, maybe Robb was also having an off-day.

Ah, I see it now.

Well, second place. Pretty goddamn amazing, seeing how far back he was after day two.

The South African played out of his mind. Is that the first time two black guys went 1-2 in the Masters?

How are we lookin', Pinner??

[b]ROUND TWO SCORING ANALYSIS without regard for any player other than Tiger Woods[/b]

Well, okay, it's going to be a little harder to paint a pretty picture today, but I'm going to try:

After round 2 of the 2008 Masters, and an up and down round, Tiger Woods is tied for 13th place, at 1 under par. 13th place sounds like an improvement from 19th place, but whereas yesterday he was four back, right now he is [i]seven[/i] back. But let's take a look at the competitors and see what that really means:

1 player is at -8.
1 player is at -7.
3 players are at -5.
2 players are at -4.
3 players are at -3.
2 players are at -2.
7 players are at -1 (including Tiger).

Looks pretty dire, doesn't it? And I'm not going to lie to you, unless Tiger plays very well the next two days, we really have no chance here. However, you must keep in mind that this course and this tournament are going to get much harder over the next two days, so I would not be surprised if the winning score ended up at -5 or -6. So if he can somehow scrape together a couple of 69s, maybe a 68 in there, he could be in good shape.

Other factors may also make this not as hopeless a situation as it might seem. Let's run down the 18 fuckwads who currently stand between him and the lead, and see what's really going on here.

I will include a threat level for these too, with the understanding that this presumes Tiger plays VERY WELL over the weekend, and can actually mount some sort of charge. If he just keeps plodding along like this, you can just chalk it up to not being his week, and move onto the U.S. Open (starting June 9, at Torrey Pines South, a course which I have actually played on, that's how special I am.)

1. Trevor Immelman (-8) - I'm sorry, I just don't buy it. I mean, if this middle-of-the-road, journeyman player can keep having these magic days, then God bless him, but I'm just not buying it. The appropriate thing for him to do is to start backsliding immediately on Saturday afternoon under the far more difficult, pressure-filled conditions. C'mon, Trevor. You had a nice run, but let's get with the backsliding. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

2. Brandt Snedeker (-7) - See: Trevor Immelman. Also, what the hell kind of name is that? THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM, only because he's at -7.

3. Steve Flesch (-5) - Still old, still ugly, just had the round of his life today. I really can't take him seriously, no matter how far ahead he is. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

4. Phil Mickelson (-5) - This is a serious problem. A very serious problem, I won't lie to you. Him winning would be the worst thing to ever happen in history, so it's important that he begin to get cocky and start eating Twinkies and plunking balls in the water again. Also, FUCK LEFTY. THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH

5. Ian Poulter (-5) - More threatening than the leaders, less than Lefty, but he is showing some stones, which I don't like to see. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

6. Stephen Ames (-4) - I thought I wrote all these motherfuckers off yesterday. Perhaps the pressure has not hit them yet. It will, though, I am confident of this. He will need two more under-par rounds to win, and there is no chance this will happen. Still, he's a recognizable name. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

7. Paul Casey (-4) - See Stephen Ames. But no lousy Brit is gonna with this tournament, not this week. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

8. Stewart Cink (-3) - Didn't I tell you he was strong, and on the rise? Didn't I say this? Why aren't you listening to me? THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

9. Arron Oberholser (-3) - I still can't take him seriously. He can't even spell his first name right. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

10. Mike Weir (-3) - Previous winner, had a hell of a round. I was hoping we could write him off (and in fact I did just that yesterday, but here we are). Too inconsistent and Canadian to pose much of a threat, but he's right in the mix, so we can't really write him off. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

11. Retief Goosen (-2) - Is the magic returning? The magic I spoke of yesterday, when you just thought I was talking out my ass? Good Lord, I hope not. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

12. Lee Westwood (-2) - Began backsliding today. I expect it to continue into the weekend as things tighten up. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

13. Sean O'Hair (-1) - The emotional scars of an abusive family should start kicking in any moment now. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

14. J. B. Holmes (-1) - True story: his name is John Holmes, but asked to be referred to as J. B. shortly after his career began. Ironically, he is best known on Tour for his long drives. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

15. Vijay Singh (-1) - Has matched Tiger's score both days. However, he's done it in a much more annoying fashion, I'm sure. FUCK VIJAY. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

16. Jim Furyk (-1) - Backslid a little today, which was surprising and enjoyable. Not that he's not a nice guy, but for these four days, everyone is the enemy. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

17. Robert Karlsson (-1) - He's been on this list two days now and I still have no idea who he is. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

18. Nick Dougherty (-1) - He has the word "dough" in his name. Add that to the fact that I couldn't pick him out of a lineup of two people, and you get: THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Alright? So if we can be serious about this, Tiger is seven back right now, but I figure we can throw out the top two scores because there's no way "Trevor" and "Brandt" are going to be able to keep up this ridiculous pace, so it's more like he's four back. The bad news is, he's four back of the second-best player in the universe. The good news is, he tends to turn it up a little on the weekend at the Masters, and he's Tiger Fucking Woods.

So, anything can happen. He came back from seven shots to win in 2005, and has come back from at least 3 shots in each of his four previous Masters victories.

That being said, it's now or never. If he doesn't kick it into gear tomorrow, see you in June.

[b]FIRST ROUND SCORING ANALYSIS, based solely on how it affects Tiger Woods[/b]

After the first round, Tiger stands at even par, tied for 19th, and four shots back of the leaders.

The appropriate description for Tiger's first round is "not good, not bad", although fans should definitely feel grateful that it could have been worse. After plodding along at par all day, he bogeyed two holes in a row (including a par 5 that he had a clear shot to the green on his second shot and managed to completely botch the hole). This was the point at which I cancelled this thread. However, being Mr. Bounceback, he then chipped in from 25 feet on the 15th hole for an eagle, bringing him back to even par.

The bad news is that he is four back of the lead. The good news is that he is within two shots of all but five players.

Now let's look at where we stand, and what this means for Tiger's chances the rest of the tournament:

2 players at -4.
3 players at -3.
5 players at -2 (so he is within 1 shot of all but 10 players)
8 players at -1.
14 players at E (including Tiger)

I am going to go ahead and say that unless Tiger plays like crap, nobody who finished worse than him has a chance, so that basically narrows the 94-man field down to 31 players who still have a shot at it.

Let's run down all 31 players, and assess their "threat level" (how much of a genuine chance they have, given current/past performance.)

1. Justin Rose (-4) - Ranked #9 in the world, a strong player, who has a history of starting strong at the Masters. However, in 3 previous strong starts, he has faded quickly. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

2. Trevor Immelman (-4) - Ranked #29 in the world, I think he probably just had a really good day. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

3. Brian Bateman (-3) - WHO?? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

4. Brandt Snedeker (-3) - Ranked #44 in the world. I gotta think anyone outside the top 30 has no chance whatsoever. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

5. Lee Westwood (-3) - Good player. #19 in the world. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

6. Ian Poulter (-2) - Famous for saying he's gonna be the only one to threaten Tiger for the #1 world ranking. Famous also for being the guy I had a dream would be leading the first round when I woke up, and he was. Famous also for only being -2 because he got a hole in one today. #24 in the world, but I don't see it happening. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW.

7. Robert Karllson (-2) - Huh? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

8. Zach Johnson (-2) - WON the Masters last year, a win most considered a fluke, and nothing since then has changed that perception. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

9. Stephen Ames (-2) - Ranked #31, famous for getting trounced by Tiger after he made a stupid comment. No chance. THREAT LEVEL: NO CHANCE

10. Jim Furyk (-2) - #7 in the world. Most disgusting swing on tour, but the dude can play. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

11. Heath Slocum (-1) - What kinda name is Heath Slocum? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

12. Mark O'Meara (-1) - Tiger's best buddy. There's no way Tiger will allow him to win. Also, too old and fat. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

13. Peter Lonard (-1) - #46 in the world, too old. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

14. Arron Oberholser (-1) - Unremarkable. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

15. Jeev Singh (-1) - Isn't one Singh enough to deal with? THREAT LEVEL: LOW

16. Paul Casey (-1) - Lots of middle-of-the-road foreigners up in this list. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

17. Retief Goosen (-1) - Used to be one of the best players on the planet. Fallen to #27, but you wonder when the magic will come back. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

18. Phil Mickelson (-1) - FUCK LEFTY. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

19. Justin Leonard (E) - Too middle-of-the-road and goofy looking. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

20. Robert Allenby (E) - See: Paul Casey. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

21. Jerry Kelly (E) - Had a good run several years ago, but those times are behind him. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

22. Johnson Wagner (E) - Only in the Masters cuz he won some two-bit tournament this year that nobody but grandmothers played in. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

23. Steve Flesch (E) - Ranked #107 in the world. Bye. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

24. Boo Weekley (E) - Boo Weekley, the dumb country bumpkin that everyone loves to love. They just won't get to love him in a green jacket. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

25. Sean O'Hair (E) - Too scarred from an overbearing father to ever come through in the big ones. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

26. Sandy Lyle (E) - The dude is like a thousand years old. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

27. Daniel Chopra (E) - I thought he wrote spiritual books. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

28. Vijay Singh (E) - FUCK LEFTY AND FUCK VIJAY. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

29. Stewart Cink (E) - Been playing very very well this year. #14 in the world, and on the rise. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

30. Andres Romero (E) - Andrwho Romerwho? THREAT LEVEL: WHO?

31. K. J. Choi (E) - He loves three things: Jesus Christ, playing golf, and not speaking English. #6 in the world. Very strong. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

So if we look through this list, and weed out everyone less threatening than medium, we're left with these nine douchebags who need to be taken care of:

Justin Rose
Lee Westwood
Zach Johnson
Jim Furyk
Retief Goosen
Phil Mickelson
Vijay Singh
Stewart Cink
K.J. Choi

Only two are more than two shots ahead, only four are more than one shot ahead, and only six are ahead of Tiger at all. So if you want to paint the prettiest picture possible, this is it:

He's only got six reasonable contenders ahead of him, and not all that far, so if he can just pick off two of those per day, we're good to go.

That's the prettiest picture I can paint for you. If tomorrow goes any worse than today, though, we're gonna have a problem.

Apparently you care about at least one other golfer: ARNIE. Otherwise you wouldn't have stuck up for him.

That being said, it's good that he's around the tourney. If someone collapses they can use his old man smell as a sort of portable smelling salt kit.

Once all of the players are done (should be in about two hours), I will present my FIRST ROUND SCORE ANALYSIS, in which I dig into the scores and determine what it all means for Tiger Woods, because I don't care about anybody else in the event.

[quote="pinback"]It's Arnold Palmer, you idiot.[/quote]

After the ceremonial opening swing he's promptly rushed back to his hibernation stasis pod which is then carefully wrapped in a Debbie Meyer Green Bag (which neutralizes the ethylene gas given off by old, spoiling men).

He just eagled 15, so it's not as bad as it looked ten minutes ago.

THREAD BACK ON!!!

Oh. Ben just told me he was dissatisfied with Tiger's performance, not our posts.

Never mind.

[quote="pinback"]It's Arnold Palmer, you idiot.

Also: MASTERS THREAD CANCELLED.

Fuck this.[/quote]

You gotta be fucking KIDDING me. You're out of fucking control. I knew I shouldn't have fucking listened to you.

The ONLY guy drawing shit from flies was YOU and I was on YOUR SIDE to tell them to knock it off. That mission finally fucking accomplished, and CO makes an ON-TOPIC, VALID post (followed up by an attempt at a funny comment by me) and you DARE say, "Fuck this"? FUCK THIS?

Unfuckingreal. I did everything possible to acquiese to your insane demands, and you still throw up your hands and swear at us. Unbelievable.

FUCK! YOU!

It's Arnold Palmer, you idiot.

Also: MASTERS THREAD CANCELLED.

Fuck this.

Haha, who is that old bastard? That's nice that they gave him the best time of day to get his strokes in. Did he win a contest?

"YOU GET TO GOLF AT THE MASTERS!"

old guy: yaaaaay!

"IN FOG THICK AS SPLIT PEA SOUP! DON'T FUCK UP!"

old guy: nooooooo

How the hell do you play golf with fog like this? Even Tiger's new 20/10 vision won't help him here.

[img]http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2008-04/37708192.jpg[/img]

Eight hours until tip-off.











Here we go.

Today is Wednesday, and as I write this, we are less than 18 hours from the official start of the 2008 Masters, the defining moment in all of human civilization.

Rather than offer another recipe or game, today I think we should just take a moment, bow our heads in a solemn display of silence and reverence, and pray.

[i]Heavenly Father, we thank you once again for offering us the grace and gift of the 2008 Masters, surely your finest and most important work.

We thank You for Your blessings... the lush green fairways of Augusta National, the rolling, marble-hard greens, the flowers, the Georgia pines, that little stream running in front of the green on #15 that hopefully Vijay and Phil and any other so-called "contender" will plunk their stupid goddamn balls into.

We place our trust in You, Lord, to help guide Tiger's ball straight and true, particularly if he starts blocking out his drives way to the right like he sometimes has a tendency to do.

We hope, Lord, that you will hear our prayers, keep rain delays to a minimum, and help CBS find the One True Way, and realize that that Way does not involve long, sappy montages with gay piano music, while there's actually some golf action going on which people might actually want to see.

We honor you, Lord, by finding glory in this tournament, seeing the beauty and grace you have bestowed upon us, at least from April 10 to April 13, and we honor you by looking skyward on Sunday afternoon, smiling at your loving presence, as Tiger puts on his fifth green jacket. Unless he loses, in which case, fuck off.

Amen.
[/i]

"He's pulling his putts" gets me every time.