Toronto Blue Jays

Back in the early 90’s the Blue Jays actually won the World Series. TWICE! And got to keep their 93 rings polished an extra year due to the strike. They’ve since enjoyed a decade of mostly sucking. We’ll they are ready to start playing ball again. Unfortunately for them they have to play ball with the 3 of the biggest pricks in baseball. I believe their only hope is beat New York and Boston enough to cancel them out, otherwise it will be yet another 3rd place finish for the Jays.

Riccardi is doing a tremendous job in Canada, he is so far the least annoying of the Beane spawn. He’s managed to slash the payroll, keep their best player, (Delgado) from turning into a bitch, and from bolting. With a line-up full of chubby and muscular thumpers, the Blue Jays could challenge for the wild card if they get ANY pitching after Roy Halladay.

Significant Adds- Hentgen, M. Batista, Lilly
Significant Loses- Liddle, Escobar, Bordick BLOATED PAYROLL!

The Blue Jays finished 2nd in runs and 3rd in OBP and OPS. Surprisingly they played better on the road last year. That’s a good sign for a hitter dominated club, most of them hit like kings at home at sissies on the road. They also don’t have to play at their park where for the last 10 years the most exciting thing to happen has been watching pasty assed Canadians fucking in the shitty stadium hotel.

Line-up

1. Reed Johnson
2. Catalanano
3. Wells
4. Delgado
5. Hinske
6. Woodward
7. Phelps
8. Hudson
9. Myers

The line-up is as solid as they come with Beane boy Catalanano getting on base and Wells and Delgado paying slow-pitch softball behind him. If they get ANYTHING out off Phelps, Hudson and Hinkse, well watch out. The fielding is suspect but their offense can easily make up for it.

Rotation

1. Halladay
2. Batista
3. Lilly
4. Hentgen
5. Towers
CL Lopez

Halladay obviously is the Ace. Without him Toronto is not a good ball club. It’s the four pitchers behind him that scare nobody. Its nice Hentgen came back, but when overrated A’s starter (Last year Liddle, this year Lilly) is holding the three and Miguel Batista is the 2, well there may be problems. Lopez did well in the closer job and will have every opportunity to keep it this year.

I want the Blue Jays to do well, I want them to win this division. They can’t and they won’t.

Projected finish 83-78 3rd place

Boston Red Sox

You know, it would be nice, if for once if Boston could handle the Yankees. That being said I hope it NEVER fucking happens. If those drunken degenerate Sox fans ever sniffed a ring, they would be 10 times worse than asshole Yankee fan. That’s the difference between the Cubs and Red Sox. Cubs fans have class, support their team and don’t whine. Red Sox fans whine like your daughter on her first rag. They feel they are “owed” a championship. Here’s a typical Red Sox fan convo-

Drunken Shamus McDick: GAHHHHH I’ve got an idear!
Drunken Tom Flynn: Hold on Shamus let me finish my 15th Sam Adams, shlurp ok g’head

Shamus: Anyhow, my idear! Why don’t they take that frozen Ted Williams head and stick it on Manny Ramirez body. his head, Manny’s power! It’s genius!
Tom: Yes we’d surely win it all then. We can steal the head after we finish our feces laden letters to Bill Buckner.

Get a life you maggots.

GM Theo Epstein is doing a good job running the Sox and subsequently making them as hated as the Yankees. The rotation has as many potential Superstar DL visits as the Yankees, yet their line-up has enough pissed off guys (Nomar, Manny) that they will be focused. Luckily for them Manny Ramirez is too stupid to know how to use roids, so there should be no mystery injury for him.

Significant Adds- Schilling, Foulke, Reese, Burks
Significant Losses- Suppan, Walker

Rotation

1. Pedro
2. Schilling
3. Lowe
4. Wakefield
5. Kim
CL- Foulke
Pedro is still the best but he is always a threat to go down. Schilling should be newly motivated and have a good year. Lowe is overrated but a good No. 3 starter, Wakefield and Kim are as consistent as a Radiohead album. Foulke is a solid closer, but the pressure will be immense especially the nights Pedro throws 7 scoreless and the Sox offense takes the night off.

Line-up

1. Damon
2. Mueller
3. Nomar
4. Manny
5. Ortiz
6. Nixon
7. Varitek
8. Millar
9. Reese

It’s a great line-up but you know it has to be grating at Epsteins nuts to have a horrible OBP guy like Reese out there. He should hit ninth, he shouldn’t matter and he should be replaced at the trade deadline.


Outlook- Boston has the tools, they just need to have the balls. I believe that 50% of the guys on this roster have a lingering fear of failure in the back of their minds come crunch time.

Projected Record

95-67 2nd place

The A.L. East

Boston-New York. What a goddamned joke. If there were some way for me to orchestrate an incident where these two clubs planes collided in mid-air, well we’d be discussing how funny it was when half of the players survived the crash due to their steroid exoskeletons taking the brunt of the impact from 30,000 feet.

Let’s survey the common baseball man (Knuckles) on bias.

He hates the fucking Yankees.,
He hates the fucking Red Sox
He used to hate the goddamned Orioles,
He likes the Blue Jays
He thinks it would be funny if Tampa Bay had a goddamned clue and won 70 games.

1. New York
2. Boston
3. Toronto
4. Tampa Bay
5. Baltimore

In any non-fixed league the bottom three teams would have playoff aspirations. In reality only Toronto has a remote chance of screwing up a Boston post-season meltdown.

Significant adds- Every decent player available
Significant loss- Clemens, Pettite, Soriano

Rotation

1. Mussina
2. Vazquez
3. Brown
4. Contreras
5. Lieber
CL- Rivera


I won’t bore you with the obvious. However, I will tell you that Brian Cashman is the biggest moron in sports, followed closely by Joe Torre. With all of their resources they remind me of apes putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Just slamming pieces together, regardless of fit and ruining everything. If you think I’m full of shit, I’ve worked with apes, I was in the circus for 5 years you assholes.

The first problem is A-Rod playing 3rd base. The shear idiocy of him deferring to Jeter just smacks of gay. A-Rod GOLD GOLVE! Jeter- 5 plays each year where he needlessly jumps towards third base and throws a guy out. The line-up should be great but there are potential holes (that will no doubt get fixed by the trade deadline) Giambi and Bernie Williams are falling apart, Lofton has seen better days and expect a Posada let down. That being said, those guys could bat 6 through9. Look at this line-up
1. Lofton
2. Jeter
3. A-Rod
4. Sheffield
5. Giambi
6. Posada
7. Matsui
8. Williams
9. Second baseman TBD

Scary and you know, [b]disgruntled over paid slugger, will added in June on a need to dominate basis.[/b]


The rotation while formidable on paper, has some rather large question marks. Mussina can be dominating, he also has no heart. Javier Vasquez goes from pitching in front of non-English (and subsequently non-washed) crowds in Puerto Rico and Montreal to the center universe. This is not a good roll for him. Kevin Brown is old, cranky, and expected to win 20, he can’t stay healthy. Contreras has a lot to prove and Jon Lieber hasn’t pitched in 2 years. Also most of these guys have not had the pleasure of letting up a 250 (I know it’s really longer than that, probably 290) foot HR to the ridiculously short right field fence at Chez Yankee. Rivera returns as closer and is still one of the best.


Outlook
While money can’t win championships, THIS much money can buy you a playoff spot. The only thing holding the Yankees back is the collection of heartless cowards who live by the "can’t beat em join em" mentality. THAT’S why they won’t win the World Series this year. But their roster is stacked with great regular season players, at least 2 that are steriod MONSTERS! Projected Record 98-64