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Expand view Topic review: Welcome to TigerCast 2004!

by guest poster » Tue Feb 17, 2004 4:22 pm

How MUch did john daly weigh when he won...in pounds...lbs...

by TigerCast 2004 » Sun Feb 15, 2004 6:15 pm

Well, the Buick Invitational is over, and what a tournament it was! Crowd favorite and generally goofy and large John Daly hung on by a thread to win his first PGA tournament in 9 years, in a three-way playoff! We here at TigerCast 2004 would like to congratulate big J. D. on his return to victory circle! And on his enormous penis, according to the book "Who's Your Caddy?", by Rick Reilly!

As for defending champion and godlike-figure Tiger Woods, homeboy finished up with an up-and-down 69 to tie for tenth. While the boxscore might cause Tiger fans to get a bit unnerved, one must realize that if he had been able to drive the ball in the fairway, he would have won by about 40 shots. Just couldn't put it in the short stuff. Once he gets that little kink worked out, I can imagine a 2004 which leaves the rest of the "challengers" shaking in their boots much like in 2000.

Enjoy this brief respite while it lasts, Vijay -- oh, sorry buddy, we here at TigerCast 2004 forgot -- YOU WENT HOME after Friday!

God, do we here at TigerCast 2004 hate your guts, Veej.

by TigerCast 2004 » Fri Feb 13, 2004 5:57 pm

Welcome back to TigerCast 2004! We've been away for a month while Tiger enjoyed a well-earned vacation, but now that he's back, we're back!

This weekend's tournament takes place at Torrey Pines, a set of two public courses in La Jolla, CA, which TigerCast 2004 is proud to say he has actually played! He did not do particularly well, but the $120 greens fees were picked up by his mother, which was a nice touch!

Anyway, Tiger has muddled his way to -5 after two rounds, six back of the leader, Stewart Cink, but who cares about that, because:

VIJAY SINGH MISSED THE CUT!!!! And we here at TigerCast 2004 could not be more thrilled! The supposed "challenger to the throne" and general all-around asshole got his smug little butt handed right back to him by good ol' 'Pines! Way to go, Vijay! We hate you, and we are glad you sucked the big pipe this weekend! May this be the first of many more, you pompous, obnoxious, cheating, sexist, moronic, unctuous piece of crap! HA HAHAhHahhha.

Stay tuned for more...

TigerCast 2004!

by TigerCast 2004 » Sun Jan 11, 2004 8:56 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Yeah, like I was saying, he's playing like crap since he decided to get married.
This statement, and those like it, are naturally idiotic, so I'll not even bother responding to such ill-advised nonsense. Let's instead get onto the business of:

Mercedes Championships: Fourth Round

Tiger never quite got it going today, as Stuart Appleby and Vijay Singh pulled away to a slightly interesting finish which ended as it should, with Appleby taking home the crown, and Vijay Singh not taking home the crown. Oh, how he makes our skin crawl.

For Tiger fans, there's much to enjoy about this week:

1. Other than Vijay, he finished higher than all of his major competitors.

2. His tie for fourth earned him enough money to go over the $40,000,000 mark for his career -- well ahead of anybody else, ever. To quote the man himself, "Gotta love that inflation!"

3. The man shot four straight rounds making mistakes you'd never expect from him, never quite putting things together the way you'd think he would... and he finished fourth?!?! This has to strike fear into his opponents... well, the same fear that's always struck into them. When he fucks up, he finishes fourth. If he's ever on his game, he'll wind up ten clear of the pack. Here at TigerCast 2004, we're expecting 2004 to be the most historic TigerCast since TigerCast 2003. Plus a major or two. Stay tuned.

By the way, they showed Stuart Appleby's new, replacement wife at the end of the tournament today, and: YOW! We here at TigerCast 2004 now wish we had grown up to be professional golfers!!!

by Karate Champ Guy » Sun Jan 11, 2004 3:05 pm

Vitriola wrote:Not funny. Annoying. Not funny.
Image

by Vitriola » Sun Jan 11, 2004 2:04 pm

Not funny. Annoying. Not funny.

Image

by Karate Champ Guy » Sun Jan 11, 2004 12:45 pm

Vitriola wrote:How's that game coming?
FULL POINT!
Image

by Vitriola » Sun Jan 11, 2004 12:40 pm

Women ruin everything.

How's that game coming?

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Jan 11, 2004 11:44 am

Yeah, like I was saying, he's playing like crap since he decided to get married.

by Karate Champ Guy » Sat Jan 10, 2004 9:25 pm

FULL POINT!
Image

by TigerCast 2004 » Sat Jan 10, 2004 8:31 pm

Mercedes Championships: Third Round

Well, as expected, Tiger made a characteristic charge up the leaderboard, shooting an 8-under 65 and landing at -13, seven back of leader Stuart Appleby, and five back of the grotesque, unctuous Vijay Singh.

Obviously, it doesn't look good for a win. Tiger has to go VERY low tomorrow, and even then might just only catch Vijay. But we here at TigerCast 2004 kinda like Stuart Appleby, only because he had to endure one of the worst emotional experiences I can imagine a human being can have, back in 1998:
Reuters wrote: London - Renay Appleby, the wife of U.S. PGA Tour player Stuart Appleby of Australia, was killed Thursday morning in a traffic accident at Waterloo Station.

Renay was struck and killed by a car after she exited a cab. She was 25.

The Applebys were at Waterloo Station to take a train to Paris for short vacation prior to his participation in next week's Scandinavian Masters in Sweden.
Look, you watch your wife die, you get a free pass from TigerCast 2004, that's just how it works.

However, it's important to get quickly to our other feature: WHY TIGER IS WINNING.

Oh my God. First of all, I personally witness Tiger miss 3 putts today from inside 5 feet. That's unheard of, so he really should have had (as he admitted in the post-round interview) a 62. Add that to the fact that he has played at -4 for the TWELVE par 5s he's played so far this week, which is OUTRAGEOUS -- he nearly averages birdie on the par 5's -- you can see that, even if you DO count the double bogey he took at #1 yesterday, he should still be way, WAY out in front of everybody.

He's not going to win this week, but he's playing the kind of golf which should give every single one of his competitors the hot, wet, stinky runs all night long.

Even the disgusting, soul-patch-infested, cheating, lying scuz-bucket, Vijay Singh.

by Vitriola » Fri Jan 09, 2004 9:52 pm

Can he get me Julie Brown's autograph?

by TigerCast 2004 » Fri Jan 09, 2004 9:42 pm

Well, this is just horrible. This is the worst thing that possibly could have happened.

After sucking the pipe on the first two holes of his second round today, Tiger sucked up enough courage and talent to get the round under control and get to a total of -5, right in the thick of the battle.

Until...

Until the very hated, disgusting, horrible Vijay Singh put together an historic back nine, birdieing EIGHT of the nine holes on the back nine to take a commanding lead at -14. If it was anyone else, this would not be so troubling, but because it was Vijay Singh, it's terribly disconcerting, because:

1. Vijay Singh is the current #2 player in the world, and the current "challenger of the moment" to Tiger's crown, and more importantly:

2. Vijay Singh is an asshole, who cheats at golf (documented), and when he's not cheating, he's just a smug, sexist, nasty little douchebag.

One can only hope that at his advanced age (40), he suffers a stroke and/or heart attack in the next couple days. Not so Tiger will win, but just so the world will be rid of this cancer, who in my mind is worse than Hitler, Osama, and Saddam all rolled into one and jabbed in the mouth with a tongue depressor.

by MXCCast 2004 » Fri Jan 09, 2004 1:15 pm

You'll notice that the URL for the site has the proper acronym, "MEEC", whereas the show is actually nicknamed "MXC".

This is the only part of the show that bothers me.

by Vitriola » Fri Jan 09, 2004 1:10 pm

It's worth quoting:

MXC is the ultimate in reality sports, where the contestants are always physically and mentally challenged. If you enjoy broken bones, splattering spleens, high impact hematomas, and watching people get them, then you'll love Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Join the two guys who know hot physical action better than the palms of their own hands, Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship - they put the "FU" back in FUN.

Warning: viewing MXC may cause blood in your stool.

by Roody_Yogurt » Fri Jan 09, 2004 1:04 pm

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Jan 09, 2004 12:23 pm

Roody_Yogurt wrote:Yay MXC.
How would you define... oh, fuck it.

What is MXC?

by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Jan 09, 2004 12:23 pm

TigerCast 2004 wrote:On the other hand, who gives a shit, because we here at TigerCast 2004 found ourselves flipping back and forth between first round coverage on ESPN, and Spike TV, which was featuring its show "MXC", which stands, somehow, for "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge", and which is the greatest show in the history of television!!
JOLT COUNTRY FUN FAX: TigerCast2004 doesn't pay taxes, because TigerCast2004 is broke and homeless.

by Vitriola » Fri Jan 09, 2004 11:11 am

TigerCast 2004 wrote:On the other hand, who gives a shit, because we here at TigerCast 2004 found ourselves flipping back and forth between first round coverage on ESPN, and Spike TV, which was featuring its show "MXC", which stands, somehow, for "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge", and which is the greatest show in the history of television!!
TUBGIRL

vs.

THE THIRD REICH

FIGHT!!!!!

by TigerCast 2004 » Thu Jan 08, 2004 9:44 pm

Welcome to our new feature for 2004, called: "Why Tiger Is Really Winning". By presenting this feature to you, we hope to explain why, even when Tiger is not winning a particular tournament, he is actually playing the best, and a victory is obviously imminent.

Let's try it.

Why Tiger Is Really Winning - Round 1, Mercedes Championships

Tiger shot -2, with a bogey and a double bogey on two par 5's. This is obviously a ridiculously statistic, as Tiger would normally birdie both with ease, and just hit a couple shots too well, and into the muck. Let's instead give him a birdie and a par on those, which is what would happen 9 times out of 10, given the situations he was in for the second shots. That gets him to -6.

Then add in the two birdie putts he missed from five feet, which would NEVER happen, and will definitely not happen the rest of the week, and that puts him at -8.

Therefore, you see, even though Tiger is -2, and five back of Stuart Appleby at -7, he's actually winning, with a virtual -8.

It's a little early yet, but I'm going to go ahead and call this one:

Your winner of the 2004 Mercedes Championships?

Tiger Woods!

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