by Flack » Tue Apr 11, 2023 1:50 pm
It was a friend of mine who suggested I watch Witchboard 2 yesterday, and since it had been years since I saw Witchboard 1, I ended up watching both films. After a brief discussion, we realized what he meant for me to watch was was 1989's WitchCRAFT, so that's what I consumed next. Some friend!
Witchcraft is just about the worst Rosemary's Baby ripoff I've ever watched, the only difference being that all the sneaking around happens after the baby is born rather than before.
The film begins with Grace Churchill giving birth to her son, William. Waiting to see the baby are Grace's husband John, and her mother-in-law, Elizabeth. On the way home from the hospital John convinces his wife that she could use some help with their newborn, and so he has made the decision that they'll be staying in his mother's haunted mansion for a bit instead of going home. I'd like to state for the record that when my wife was nine months pregnant she yelled at me because I would drive 1,100 miles roundtrip to buy her enchiladas from a Mexican restaurant we went to once seven years earlier and didn't particularly like. So, kudos to Grace for being a good sport about her husband moving them into her mother's house during the few hours she was in labor.
For the next hour, John, Elizabeth, their friends and their creepy butler cuddle the baby and do weird stuff like insisting Grace sleep in a different room from the baby. When Grace eventually demands to do home, John informs her their house burned down a week ago. Grace eventually demands to go see her old house an dindeed it has burned down, but the neighbors confirm it has only been burned down for a day, not a week. Uh oh.
Nothing matters except the ending, so let's jump there. Turns out, John and Elizabeth are not really mother and son, but married witches who lost their baby in the 1600s and decided to impregnate Grace and take the baby. "This is OUR baby NOW, YOU were just the VESSLE!" they shout. Their plan is to sacrifice Grace to Satan in the world's cheapest looking ceremony, but eventually the butler arrives to stab John, Elizabeth stabs the butler, and Grace stabs Elizabeth, leaving Grace and her baby to make a clean escape.
While all this stabbing was taking place, all I could think was... wait, John was from the 1600s? He appears to have a normal job. Does he... have a social security number? Did he get a loan for his house? Does he have a birth certificate? Did it really take him 300 years to find a woman to have sex with him? Why did he pick this woman as his wife? Has he been having sex with his oter wife/mother this whole time? Why couldn't they just make another baby? Did nobody notice they never aged? Is this the first baby they've sacrificed?
Unsurprisingly, Witchcraft doesn't answer any of those questions. It doesn't even answer some of the questions it asks. At a minimum, doesn't Grace have her DNA and fingerprints all over a house full of stabbed people at this point? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. All this movie made me want to do was stab myself. Leave the baby alone and take me, sweet Satan! Take me from this world where movies like Witchcraft exist!
I couldn't find the trailer so, here's the entire movie.
It was a friend of mine who suggested I watch [i]Witchboard 2[/i] yesterday, and since it had been years since I saw [i]Witchboard 1[/i], I ended up watching both films. After a brief discussion, we realized what he meant for me to watch was was 1989's [i]WitchCRAFT[/i], so that's what I consumed next. Some friend!
[i]Witchcraft[/i] is just about the worst [i]Rosemary's Baby[/i] ripoff I've ever watched, the only difference being that all the sneaking around happens after the baby is born rather than before.
The film begins with Grace Churchill giving birth to her son, William. Waiting to see the baby are Grace's husband John, and her mother-in-law, Elizabeth. On the way home from the hospital John convinces his wife that she could use some help with their newborn, and so he has made the decision that they'll be staying in his mother's haunted mansion for a bit instead of going home. I'd like to state for the record that when my wife was nine months pregnant she yelled at me because I would drive 1,100 miles roundtrip to buy her enchiladas from a Mexican restaurant we went to once seven years earlier and didn't particularly like. So, kudos to Grace for being a good sport about her husband moving them into her mother's house during the few hours she was in labor.
For the next hour, John, Elizabeth, their friends and their creepy butler cuddle the baby and do weird stuff like insisting Grace sleep in a different room from the baby. When Grace eventually demands to do home, John informs her their house burned down a week ago. Grace eventually demands to go see her old house an dindeed it has burned down, but the neighbors confirm it has only been burned down for a day, not a week. Uh oh.
Nothing matters except the ending, so let's jump there. Turns out, John and Elizabeth are not really mother and son, but married witches who lost their baby in the 1600s and decided to impregnate Grace and take the baby. "This is OUR baby NOW, YOU were just the VESSLE!" they shout. Their plan is to sacrifice Grace to Satan in the world's cheapest looking ceremony, but eventually the butler arrives to stab John, Elizabeth stabs the butler, and Grace stabs Elizabeth, leaving Grace and her baby to make a clean escape.
While all this stabbing was taking place, all I could think was... wait, John was from the 1600s? He appears to have a normal job. Does he... have a social security number? Did he get a loan for his house? Does he have a birth certificate? Did it really take him 300 years to find a woman to have sex with him? Why did he pick this woman as his wife? Has he been having sex with his oter wife/mother this whole time? Why couldn't they just make another baby? Did nobody notice they never aged? Is this the first baby they've sacrificed?
Unsurprisingly, [i]Witchcraft[/i] doesn't answer any of those questions. It doesn't even answer some of the questions it asks. At a minimum, doesn't Grace have her DNA and fingerprints all over a house full of stabbed people at this point? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. All this movie made me want to do was stab myself. Leave the baby alone and take me, sweet Satan! Take me from this world where movies like [i]Witchcraft[/i] exist!
I couldn't find the trailer so, here's the entire movie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8mntAOP9fs