I can think of a lot of other games I'd rather be trapped in than Knight Orc. NHL '98 and Leisure Suit Larry 7, for example. And the reason that spending any sort of real time in this horrible medieval bungalow would be well below average is specifically due to the countless number of violently deluded slobs just walking around with large, sharp weapons. It's a brutal little game, it is.

These are the descriptions of some of the characters in the game. I will try not to spoil the game by placing their descriptions here. I will update this page without notice or fanfare! So, then:


     "He is a right gullible and stupid-looking person."

Fungus the Boggit-Man
     "He is a lanky, twitchy-fingered, nicotine-addict."

     "He is a fur-clad warrior of great skill."

The Green Knight
     "He is 'A handome, parfait knight, great-muscled, fit and slim.
     Almost a giant in height, and long and straight of limb.
     Clad all in green is he, and green his skin and hair.
     His eyebrows are mossy, bright emerald his stare.
     No shield, helm or plastron, nor bright chain mail has he.
     Of armour he has none. Just, in one hand, holly.
     Storm-like and strong, he seems. And swift to strike and stun.
     Dreadful his blows, one deems. Once dealt, true death has come.'
     In other words, he is a bully of the worst type."

The Green Horse
     "It is 'Deep green and huge of grain, a war-horse of great height,
     With grass-plait tail and mane, their tied bells flashing bright.
     Alert of eye and brain, hot-blooded, proud in might,
     and brusque with bit and rein. Great stallion of green knight."

The Gripper
     "He is a squinty, rat-like youth, with an orcish squint."

Kris the Ant-Warrior
     "She is a muscle-bound champion, armoured with plates of giant ant cuticle and wearing a strange ant-head helm. She   looks a lot like an ogre-sized fried roach."

Mrs Wallop
     "She is the toughest woman you have ever seen, outside the Orc Lair."

The Prophet
     He is a sweaty paedophile, quite happy to swarm on about the meek inheriting the Earth, turning the other cheek and the love of you know who... Until you mention liberation theology, disarmament, or anyone other than male humans becoming ministers.

     He is a splendid figure, in black robes trimmed with crimson to match the fire of his eyes.