Old News - Now Archived
Although I've spoken to this at length on previous,
long forgotten forums, it bears heavily on this week's installment of Video Game News. I
used to live in a Hacienda with three other guys from my hometown (names: Fodge, Bundy,
Sailer). The four of us were all about, almost exclusively, trying to "get-over"
on one another. It would make for a terrific sitcom if you could find a lens wide enough
for Bundy. We all don't live together anymore. That's probably for the best.
Fodge's girlfriend was throwing him a birthday party
over Memorial Day Weekend, so the three of us knew our roles: to absolutely trash her
house. Fodge's attempt to "get-over" was to ask us to bring various party
supplies. I'm still not sure why a dish is always required to pass around when I see that
kid. Anyway, the other three guys (Bundy, Sailer and myself) decided that the
"upper-decker" would prove to be the most long-lasting effect we could create.
The "upper-decker," for the uninitiated,
is the act of taking the top off a guest's toilet (where the water reservoir is) and,
shall we say, taking a grunt in that instead of where one is supposed to.
After doing so, the top of the tank is replaced and the dumpage remains, creating a sickly
stench incredibly difficult to pinpoint.
This was our plan.
Unfortunately, Bundy tossed beer all over Sailer
before the three of us were able to implement our fiendish scheme. I'm positive it says
something negatory in the Bible or noble Koran about our intentions and how much alcohol
was consumed that night. Mostly because Jesus decided to punish me the very next day. How?
I learned a terrible fact.
Apparently, Myst III is coming out.
Fortunately, I have it on pretty good authority that
the Miller brothers (Robyn and Ryan) -- who dealt with an upper-decking by placing it in a
jewel case and selling four million units of it -- won't be involved. These two guys
apparently started a movie studio called Land of Point last year.
It would be nice if Myst was simply
like Poe -- a complete matter of opinion based on environmental conditioning. However,
there is no middle ground. You were either getting oral sex when "Angry Johnny"
was played on every radio station, constantly, for about four consecutive months or you
were not. In the former case, you look back on those years with a certain relaxed and
good-humored fondness. In the latter, you hate the little tart and can't believe her
official homepage uses the (supposedly... formerly) non-profit .org designation.
(she's a PSYCHO!!! watch out boy,
she'll chew you up!)
Myst, however, is not like
Poe. Myst was a vacant slideshow that paved the way for the "Shitty Game Sells Tons Of Shitty Copies" genre that has effectively
squeezed out developers and teams that actually make great software.
I'm not saying, for instance, that the Myst
legacy is indirectly responsible for, say, Looking Glass going under. But the team at
Looking Glass -- responsible for the sensational System Shock, the
ahead-of-its-time Ultima Underworld and the "I Can't Fucking Believe
Clicking The Left Mouse Button During The Movies Makes My Fucking Intel Celeron 541 Lock
The Fuck Up" Thief (and Thief II -- although it may
not have the lockup problem) did shut down last week due to lack of operating
And that absolutely sucks.
Complete pieces of crap like the aforementioned Deer
Hunter, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and any of the sports
games EA has been flooding the market with recently sell. Disturbingly well. Games that
are the complete reason this hobby should exist... games like Sentinel Returns,
Jagged Alliance II or System Shock II? Not a chance.
There's been a lot of net.chatter about how Eidos
(publisher of Thief and Thief II) woulda/coulda/shoulda
bailed out Looking Glass but were unable to due to the carnivorous chasm of monetary
suckage that is Ion Storm. That maybe -- possibly -- a group with a given track record
could still be around to write great games if millions of dollars weren't thrown towards a
company that created two of the most critically abused games of all time (Dominion:
Storm Over Gift 3 and Daikatana). It may all be idle or
desperate chatter, but it definitely brings up a good point: Games that are complete,
polished, distinguished pieces of radioactive fecal matter are being sloughed onto store
shelves without a second thought whereas the quality titles that further the fucking art
are being dumped faster than Acne Joe when Brett Favre accidentally walks into the Sci-Fi
convention center. It's like living in the goddamn Bizarro dimension.
Which would be a tad funnier if it wasn't absolutely
true. What possible incentive does anyone have to write a well-thought-out, well-plotted,
imaginative and deep computer game anymore?*
From Trotting Krips
* (No, not the fabulous babes.)