EMY DISCOVERS LIFE

By "MKJ"

Reviewed by Quentin D. Thompson


Mycophile's Verdict:



        "Q.D.T, if you're such a strait-laced Puritan jerk that you can't



appreciate art when you see it, piss off. Leave AIF reviews to the _real_



men around here, you faggot."







Emy's Mom's Verdict:



        "OH NO!! A gaming video about my daughter only disgracefulizing



herself in this maner! How could her?"







Mikko Vuorinen's Verdict:



        "Gee, it's not fair, my being given a hard time for that innocuous



'Leaves' puzzle. Look at this game. It's a real piece of poo."







My Verdict:



        It's games like this that killed AIF the first time around, assuming



it had a life in the first place.





One-Liner: A feminine version of Leisure Suit Larry, devoid of talent.




The Review

Okay, I'm laughing. Hard. This game is so stupidly and consistently pathetic that it's funny. I know it's downright mean of me to say this, but c'mon, MKJ, couldn't you at least ask some of your buddies on alt.sex.stories to proofread your erotic masterpiece? The writing sometimes is so abysmal that it makes the player laugh at all the wrong moments, and the gameplay is absolutely no better. Simply put, this game is awful.

Gameplay and Interaction: (1/10)

Ha ha ha ha ha. And a few more laughs if you want my feelings verbatim. This one combines dreadful, "erotic" prose with some of the weirdest and most guess-the-verb puzzles in the history of AGT. What's even sadder is that some of the objects seem to have been carefully implemented (including a 20-set encyclopedia), but none of the more promising bits go anywhere. The player character, I assume, is a girl of about 16, but character definition goes out of the window fairly soon - it's just "boff as many people - of either sex - as you can, and flee". Rap band Niggaz With Attitude were banned in England for writing a song with a similar theme, and if anyone's interested in emulating that example, and stamping out this game, please let me know. Its existence is a blot on the history of IF, and even AIF.

Story and Writing: (0/10)

If you've read that sample dialogue by Emy's mom (she actually says something like "OOH DEAR! My only baby girl somdomizing with another one!" in the game) you'll know what the righting - oops, writing - in this game is like, so we'll leave it at that. As for story, I'm reminded of what a friend of mine sarcastically replied when asked by someone else if porn flicks had a plot. He said: "Plot? You don't need a plot in a porn movie. Just turn on the music, get two people in a room, and go right ahead." This one doesn't even have music, but if it did, it'd probably be a Vengaboys remixes album. Simply put, this game sucks. It makes "Detective" look like "Trinity". Also, the ending is soooo incredibly cheesy and generally idiotic, it makes the ending of "Stiffy Makane" look like the ending of "Photopia".

Participation: (0/10)

It's hard to get into the flesh - pun CERTAINLY NOT INTENDED - of a player character whose ideology is "Findum, ****um and Flee", especially when the prose isn't even comic or self-parodying. The title is also pretty misleading - it could've been handled in at least 69,105 better ways, but trust MKJ to find the wrong one.

Humour: (10/10)

All the humour in this game is unintentional, but I'm not holding it against MKJ. He's worse than Chad Elliott on Prozac.

NPCs: (0/10) DO NOT NAME AN NPC "THE CUTE SAM". NEVER. DO YOU HEAR ME? "THE CUTE SAM"? I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING, RIGHT? THAT'S NOT _REALLY_ WHAT MKJ CALLED HIM, RIGHT?? JUST DON'T DO IT.

The schoolgirl friend NPC was probably the only one who had anything non-sexual to contribute to the game, and that was precious little. Overall, _bleagh_. Even though the NPCs are above AGT standard, I can't forgive ANYONE who names an NPC "THE CUTE SAM". Okay?

Design Decisions: (0/10)

MKJ made one bad design decision in this game, and that was writing it in the first place. That's all.

Overall Impressions:

Though I personally wouldn't want to write AIF, I have no objection to talented and well-implemented works of IF that include strong sexual elements - and in that category I would place "Exhibition" as well as "Chix Dig Jerks". This game was talentless, poorly organized, and had the sexual maturity of a ten-year-old on testosterone. People like MKJ probably do "adult" IF a greater disservice than any of the genre's critics. So don't waste your download time on this, unless you want a few laughs.

My score for "Emy Discovers Life": 0 out of 10.

[This was originally 0 out of 10. I added one for humour and subtracted one for "Eeagh! THE CUTE SAM??" to arrive at the final score.]




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