The Grasshopper

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AArdvark
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The Grasshopper

Post by AArdvark » Wed Mar 25, 2020 1:45 pm

The Grasshopper



The grasshopper jumped up on the workbench. In the dull reddish glow of the fireplace embers across the room it saw that the bench was strewn with carving tools and scraps of wood shavings. After a second it hopped over to a small wooden boy leaning against a tool chest. The grasshopper adjusted a large gold chain that hung around it's neck and removed a toothpick from it's mandibles. It cleared it's throat in an official manner.

"Hey, You must be Pinochle. Howyudoin, I'm Paulie the grasshopper, pleased to make your acquaintance. I am sorry to inform you that Jimmy da Cricket couldn't make it tonight so I am to be here in his stead. It seems Mister Cricket cut himself a side deal with a lighter company but didn't get permission from the Don. And let me tell you kid, if there's one thing you don't do is go side-dealin' on the Don. Mister Cricket is.. uh, sleeping with the geckos tonight. So, I am here, Paulie the Grasshopper, appointed to be your new conscience.

Paulie the grasshopper replaced the toothpick and took on a more informal tone.

"See, what happened was, Pappy-G, the Cutter, he ast the Blue Fairy for a favor, to have you made. Well, not 'made' like that, but, you know, alive, like you are now. And Blue Fairy, she went and ast the Don permission first, but she ast also for a favor, seein' as they go way back to the old neighborhood. That's how she got her break, you know. Back in the day, Blue Fairy, she used to have a job workin' nights, pullin' teeth and leaving quarters for kids. Well, the Don took her away from dat because she's way too classy a broad for that kinda low-rent shit. He got her a gig as a Godmother. You know, Bippity-Boppity-BOOM, with the punkins and the mice and the transparent fuck-me shoes. It wasn’t a great job but it beat the tooth gig, you know?"

Paulie the grasshopper smiled at this, flashing his gold mandible.

"Anyway, Blue Fairy granted Pappy G's wish and now you're alive, right? But she would also like to see it that you do not get into any trouble, so she ast the Don for a favor, for someone to keep an eye on you. The Don was gonna get Jimmy da Cricket, but seein' as how Mister Cricket is suddenly unavailable, I am here, as I have already said."

Paulie the grasshopper idly looked around at the dim confines of the woodcutter's cottage.
"I think it is Pappy-G has come down a little in the world since the old days when he used to make shoes for the elves." He shrugged. "Now, Blue Fairy," he said in a low confidential tone, "she has told me to make extra special clear that you are to stay away from the beer joints and the pool halls. This is uh unfortunate predictiment because I know a couple of really nice joints out on Lawn Guyland where we could have us a good time. But Blue Fairy said no, and no means no, right? except for the back seat of my Trans-Am, dat is. That's where no means do me, amiright?"
He saw the look on the wooden boy's face.
"Aw, fugetaboudit, I'm just fuckin' with ya, kid. I don't let no skanks in my car. And speaking of skanks, Blue Fairy especially told me to keep you away from the wood nymphs. She said youse got prolly got enough problems keeping your nose clean. No use makin' it worse, amiright? And just between you and me, I heard those wood nymphs are bad news, no foolin'. You don’t want no wood nymph inside your head, kid. Or anywhere else for that matter, amiright? Heh, you wouldn't want a wood nymph gettin' splinters in her teeth or anything, amiright? So you stick with me kid and we'll keep you on the straight side of the street. Yep, straight as a ruler."

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Tdarcos
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Re: The Grasshopper

Post by Tdarcos » Wed Mar 25, 2020 3:36 pm

Actually, I prefer The Locust. (Rimshot)
"The lessons of history teach us, if they teach us anything, that no one learns the lessons that history teaches us."

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AArdvark
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Re: The Grasshopper

Post by AArdvark » Wed Mar 25, 2020 4:51 pm

Anyone else actually read it?

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Flack
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Re: The Grasshopper

Post by Flack » Wed Mar 25, 2020 7:06 pm

I did! I had to say Lawn Guyland outloud to get it.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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AArdvark
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Re: The Grasshopper

Post by AArdvark » Thu Mar 26, 2020 3:02 pm

Thank you! I never get any feedback on these short stories. I just assume everyone rolls their eyes and silently moves on.

THE
SILENT BUT DEADLY
AARDVARK

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