The Worst Library Book Ever

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Flack
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The Worst Library Book Ever

Post by Flack » Thu Nov 28, 2019 10:03 am

Yesterday I swung by my local library and picked up a book from the "new nonfiction" shelf. Let's call the book "Ghostly Locations." The front of the book has a picture of ghosts walking through a cemetery. The back cover lists a series of local hauntings, and teases that everybody has a ghost story to tell, even ghosts. I borrowed the book, assuming it would be a collection of local ghost stories.

The first page of the book has the book's title and author's name written in Comic Sans. The backside of that page states that this is a work of fiction, and that every name, location, and incident is either made up or has been changed. Seems odd, in a nonfiction book. This is followed by a five paragraph disclaimer. In the first paragraph, the author states that none of the events in the book could be verified. In paragraph two, the author states that she does not condone trespassing. The third paragraph discusses the legal ramifications of trespassing. The fourth paragraph states that the author has never trespassed. In the fifth and final paragraph, the author states that she has changed the addresses and names of buildings to prevent people from trespassing. It is an entire page that could be summarized by, "the author of this book does not condone trespassing."

The book begins with a list of different types of hauntings. There are intelligent hauntings, residual hauntings, poltergeist hauntings, and demonic hauntings. There's no setup as to why the author is explaining these things. The first sentence of the book states, "know your haunting before you investigate." How would you know your haunting before investigating? No clue. Every other sentence either contains a grammatical error or is just awkward. "Poltergeist will move, hide or even throw objects. Make noises to get attention." I copied that from page one, down to the double-space after every period (and between certain words).

Once we get through the types of possessions we're greeted with a second list: "common signs of a haunting." Here's one: "Unexplained voices, signing or humming." I imagined deaf ghosts signing until I realized that was probably supposed to be "singing". By end end of the second list, we've already been hit with a couple of you're/your and their/there mistakes and when you've hit more than one by page two, it's to your best interest to quit counting.

The third list (I'm not going to go through every list) is the equipment her paranormal team uses. Aha! Under cameras she talks about Kodak Polaroid cameras and I had to check the publishing date of this book (six months ago). Huh. For the record, for nighttime investigations, she recommends bringing a flashlight.

The remaining 100 pages are summaries of local hauntings -- but remember, the author has removed specific names and addresses to prevent fucking trespassers. So, for example, one just says "Old Building" and says "a lady got shot there one time, her sister hung herself, and people have reported seeing them." That's it. No building name, no general location, no citation, no single reference, nothing. NOTH. ING. Most of the entries are exactly like that. "Someone once told me they knew a guy who said they had seen orbs there one time and there was no electricity there." WOW.

I am amazed that this book ended up in the public library. My 10th grade English teacher would have flunked me for turning in something of this quality.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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AArdvark
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Re: The Worst Library Book Ever

Post by AArdvark » Thu Nov 28, 2019 11:26 am

What's the actual title? It sounds self-published directly from a smartphone.

Casual Observer
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Re: The Worst Library Book Ever

Post by Casual Observer » Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:21 pm

What's a library?

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