It's embarrassing. For you, sure, but more for us who has to watch you, and, god forbid, taste the pile of garbage you wind up with.
Really pathetic.
But that's okay, we are going to give you a pass today, just so I can teach you, once and for all, how to make mashed potatoes that do not suck. It's not that hard, which makes it that much more disappointing how bad you are at it.
You are going to need some EQUIPMENT and some INGREDIENTS for this. --Yes?
Shut up! You only think this because you have never had good mashed potatoes, only the terrible kind that you've been making for the last 20 years. Once you have these ("good") mashed potatoes, you will not go back.someone from audience wrote:But I like my mashed potatoes lumpy, or with extra salt, or screwed up in some other fashion!
Now, like I was saying, you're going to need some EQUIPMENT. Not many, but you'll need it.
EQUIPMENT
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1 large BOWL
1 vegetable PEELER
1 large POT
1 decent KNIFE
1 potato MASHER
1 STRAINER
1 BURNER on 1 STOVE
You will also need some INGREDIENTS:
INGREDIENTS
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2 decent sized Russet POTATOES
4 tablespoons (half a stick) of BUTTER
3 tablespoons SALT
1/2 cup HEAVY CREAM
A supply of running WATER
See? There's just NOT THAT MUCH TO IT, so there's really no excuse for screwing it up as badly and for as long as you have.
Now listen, follow these instructions, and do not argue with me. You are not arguing from a position of strength. Have you tasted the crap you've been making?
1. I want you to take the BUTTER and CREAM out of the refrigerator and let it sit there on the counter while you do the rest of these steps.
2. I want you to fill the LARGE BOWL about halfway with COLD WATER.
3. I want you to use the PEELER to peel the POTATOES. But I want you to peel them ONE AT A TIME.
4. After completing the peeling of EACH POTATO, I want you to CUBE it into inch-wide cubes, with the KNIFE. I like to do this by cutting the potato in half lengthwise, then half lengthwise yet again, then cutting across in inch-long sections. And since I am good at mashed potatoes and you are not, you should do it the way I say. Then I want you to place the CUBES into the COLD WATER.
5. Now I want you to fill the LARGE POT about halfway with water, place it on the BURNER, and bring it to a BOIL.
6. I want you to then take 2 of the 3 tablespoons of salt and PLACE THEM INTO THE WATER.
7. Once the water is boiling, I want you to DRAIN the potato pieces that are in the cold water.
8. Now you're going to put the POTATOES into the BOILING WATER, and return the water to a FAIRLY RIGOROUS BOIL. Usually you'll want the burner on MEDIUM or MEDIUM-HIGH for this.
9. Now you will WAIT there for 20 MINUTES. By the time the 20 MINUTES are up the potatoes should be very tender, bordering on falling apart, but not quite. If you stick a FORK into one of the CUBES and there is ANY RESISTANCE, you leave those potatoes IN THERE!
10. Pour the pot into the STRAINER to STRAIN the potatoes.
11. Will you listen to me, because this part is very important. TURN THE BURNER OFF, but put the empty pot BACK on the SAME BURNER. Do not argue with me.
12. Drain the potatoes VERY WELL. Shake 'em around quite a bit. We want as much of the water OUT of there as we can!
13. Place the drained potatoes BACK INTO THE POT, which is ON THE BURNER. "But won't we burn the--" I SAID NOT TO ARGUE WITH ME.
14. In QUICK SUCCESSION, place the following ingredients INTO the POT: The cream! The remaining tablespoon of salt! And the 4 tablespoons of butter, cut into individual 1 tablespoon PATS!
15. Now you are going to take the MASHER, and MASH THE POTATOES. I am looking you directly in the eye when I say this: DO NOT MESS AROUND WITH YOUR MASHING. I want you to mash the BEJESUS out of these potatoes. I don't care if your mommy made them lumpy and that's how you like them. You only like them that way because you don't know anything about it. MASH like you've never MASHED before, and if at any point you even have the slightest doubt about whether you have MASHED enough, you have not MASHED enough.
The potatoes are now DONE. Do not add anything more. Do not do anything more, except spoon them out onto people's PLATES so they can EAT them.
You will not get a chance to EAT them because you will be too busy 1) accepting thanks from people who are so happy that you finally stopped sucking at making mashed potatoes, and 2) continually serving more potatoes to people, leaving none for you.
Congratulations! You now no longer suck at making mashed potatoes!
