Ben's Famous Fast 'N' Easy(tm) Chicken Tikka Masala

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When it comes to "foods people could eat every day", did you know that Chicken Tikka Masala is the only dish that appears on EVERY HUMAN BEING'S LIST OF THOSE FOODS? That's right! Even the die-hardest seventh-level Vegan cannot resist shovelling this shit into their mouths on a daily basis!

FUN FAX: Did you know "chicken tikka masala" was actually invented in England? Because those banger-eating square-headed warm-beer-drinking a-holes couldn't be bothered to learn appreciation for actual Indian food? It's true, I think!

Now, everyone knows that the best version of Chicken Tikka Masala available anywhere in the world is actually in your local supermarket's freezer section:



I've been all around the world and had CTM in thousands, THOUSANDS of different countries and restaurants, and this little frozen box is the best one of all of them.

However, you and I are BOYCOTTING these rat bastards, because they recently replaced half of the curry in the box with RICE. I don't need RICE, you idiots. I got RICE. I know how to cook RICE. Gimme the goddamn STEW, you maggots.

Plus, who has the time and money to go to the store and microwave a box of food? Nobody! However, we all have the time and money to go to the store and cook it fresh!

But we don't have a LOT of time or money, and plus we are not good at following complicated directions, which is why we need:

Ben's Famous "Fast 'n' Easy(tm)" Chicken Tikka Masala

Alright. There's two parts to this. The chicken, and the sauce. So as not to OVERWHELM your Scotch-addled brain with too much at once, we'll cover these separately:

THE CHICKEN
--------------
- a couple chicken bresses
- a cup of plain yogurt
- juice of 1 lemon
- 1 teaspoon each: salt, pepper, cumin, cinammon, red pepper (optional, for heat)

1. Cut chicken bresses into 1 inch cubes.
2. Mix yogurt, lemon, and spices together.
3. Put chicken in there, and let marinate for an hour. Normally I'd say "overnight", but this is FAST N GODDAMN EASY.
4. Cook the chicken, however you find FASTEST AND EASIEST. Me, I'd just throw that shit under the broiler for ten minutes, but you got your own life to live.

SAAAAAUCE
========
- 1 tbsp butter
- Couple cloves of garlic, minced
- 1 cup (8oz can) tomato sauce
- 2 tsp garam masala (you can find this! at your store! in the spices!)
- 1 tsp coriander (or just substitute another tsp garam masala)
- 1 tsp each salt, pepper, paprika, cumin, sugar, red pepper (optional, for heat)
- 1 cup heavy cream

1. Cook garlic in the butter for a minute.
2. Add tomato sauce and spices, stir and let simmer for five minutes.
3. Add cream, and let sauce simmer until thickened to the DESIRED THICKNESS. Which is thinner than you might think. It should coat the back of a spoon, but not hold its shape in the pan at all.

FINISHING IT UP
===========
1. Add chicken to sauce, simmer until warmed through.
2. Make some goddamn rice.
3. Garnish with chopped cilantro if you have any.
4. GO TO TOWN!

Thank you.

I'm here to answer your questions.

[I C J]

When it comes to "foods people could eat every day", did you know that Chicken Tikka Masala is the only dish that appears on EVERY HUMAN BEING'S LIST OF THOSE FOODS? That's right! Even the die-hardest seventh-level Vegan cannot resist shovelling this shit into their mouths on a daily basis!

FUN FAX: Did you know "chicken tikka masala" was actually invented in England? Because those banger-eating square-headed warm-beer-drinking a-holes couldn't be bothered to learn appreciation for actual Indian food? It's true, I think!

Now, everyone knows that the best version of Chicken Tikka Masala available anywhere in the world is actually in your local supermarket's freezer section:



I've been all around the world and had CTM in thousands, THOUSANDS of different countries and restaurants, and this little frozen box is the best one of all of them.

However, you and I are BOYCOTTING these rat bastards, because they recently replaced half of the curry in the box with RICE. I don't need RICE, you idiots. I got RICE. I know how to cook RICE. Gimme the goddamn STEW, you maggots.

Plus, who has the time and money to go to the store and microwave a box of food? Nobody! However, we all have the time and money to go to the store and cook it fresh!

But we don't have a LOT of time or money, and plus we are not good at following complicated directions, which is why we need:

Ben's Famous "Fast 'n' Easy(tm)" Chicken Tikka Masala

Alright. There's two parts to this. The chicken, and the sauce. So as not to OVERWHELM your Scotch-addled brain with too much at once, we'll cover these separately:

THE CHICKEN
--------------
- a couple chicken bresses
- a cup of plain yogurt
- juice of 1 lemon
- 1 teaspoon each: salt, pepper, cumin, cinammon, red pepper (optional, for heat)

1. Cut chicken bresses into 1 inch cubes.
2. Mix yogurt, lemon, and spices together.
3. Put chicken in there, and let marinate for an hour. Normally I'd say "overnight", but this is FAST N GODDAMN EASY.
4. Cook the chicken, however you find FASTEST AND EASIEST. Me, I'd just throw that shit under the broiler for ten minutes, but you got your own life to live.

SAAAAAUCE
========
- 1 tbsp butter
- Couple cloves of garlic, minced
- 1 cup (8oz can) tomato sauce
- 2 tsp garam masala (you can find this! at your store! in the spices!)
- 1 tsp coriander (or just substitute another tsp garam masala)
- 1 tsp each salt, pepper, paprika, cumin, sugar, red pepper (optional, for heat)
- 1 cup heavy cream

1. Cook garlic in the butter for a minute.
2. Add tomato sauce and spices, stir and let simmer for five minutes.
3. Add cream, and let sauce simmer until thickened to the DESIRED THICKNESS. Which is thinner than you might think. It should coat the back of a spoon, but not hold its shape in the pan at all.

FINISHING IT UP
===========
1. Add chicken to sauce, simmer until warmed through.
2. Make some goddamn rice.
3. Garnish with chopped cilantro if you have any.
4. GO TO TOWN!

Thank you.

I'm here to answer your questions.

ALSO on the list for this week.

[AArdvark]

Will eating this make you fat and lose your pound-a-week goal?

THE
DRINK INDIAN WATER
AARDVARK

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It's not exactly diet food, but in moderation, it's fine.

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I do a version now which is not as quick-and-easy, but healthier than the above. The cream-to-tomato-sauce ratio in the above seems excessive, which must have meant it was fantastic, which must be why I posted it.

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I'm doing this again. 2023 is the year of Chicken Tikka Masala. I have updated the recipe, so this is now canon. There are a couple notable changes, so pay attention:

BASE SPICE MIX, divided in half:
=======================
2 tbsp garam masala
1 tbsp ground coriander
1 tbsp cumin
2 tsp cinnamon
=======================

1.5 lbs. boneless, skinless chicken thighs, 1-inch dice
1 cup plain yogurt
1 tsp lemon juice
2 tbsp vegetable oil
1 large onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 inch ginger, grated
1 tbsp tomato paste
2 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp cayenne (* to taste - I would crank this way up but I got a family of pussies to feed)
1 can (15oz) tomato sauce
1/2 cup chicken broth (or water)
1 cup cream

1. Mix chicken, yogurt, lemon juice and half of BASE SPICE MIX together, cover, refrigerate, and marinate overnight, or at least an hour.
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees, spread marinated chicken on a baking sheet and roast for 20 minutes.
3. While chicken is cooking, heat oil over med-high in a skillet/saucepan, and saute onion 4-5 minutes until soft.
4. Add tomato paste, ginger and garlic, stir to combine, 30 seconds.
5. Add other half of spice mix, salt, sugar and cayenne, stir to toast/combine, 30 more seconds.
6. Add tomato sauce and broth/water, stir, bring to simmer, simmer covered for 10 minutes, cool.
7. Add sauce to blender, puree until smooth, return to skillet/saucepan.
8. Add cream, stir until incorporated.
9. Add cooked chicken, stir, and bring everything up to the temperate you want.

This is the best way to make chicken tikka masala (1/2/2023).