Ben's Famous Jerk Chicken

[pinback]

Look. I used to be one of you (and by "you" I feel like I'm talking directly to Retro). Store-bought is shit. If you want quality, make it at home.

That is good advice, until you get a wife and a goddamn home life that leaves you little time for kitchen navel-gazing. So now my quest was to like, find the best store-bought representatives of things, which actually result in a quality product.

And this, this fucking here, this is a quality product.

So I present to you:

(Married, No Time Or Money To Fuck Around, Ben)'s Famous Jerk Chicken.

But no lie, this is the best jerk chicken I've ever had, including restaurants. And including my trip to Jamaica, which never actually happened.

INGREDIENTS
=======================
- CHICKEN LEG QUARTERS (or legs & thighs, or whatever you like, but dark meat works better for this.)
- One bottle Walkerswood jerk marinade

Obviously, the marinade is key here, and it's the best one I've found, by a wide, WIDE margin, probably because it comes from Jamaica. The first three ingredients are water, scallion, Scotch Bonnet chile. That's a good sign.

DIRECTIONS
====================
1. Score chicken to let the marinade sink in.
2. Put chicken in a bag.
3. Pour in enough marinade to get all over the chicken.
4. Shake that shit up.
5. Wait for the next day.
6. Grill the chicken.

That's it. And it's some of the best grilled chicken you've ever had. How do we grill dark meat chicken? Here is my suggestion:

It goes, "mark for 10, cook for 30". So, blast everything on high, throw the chicken on there, flip every couple minutes until it's getting nice grill marks and the skin is starting to cook up. After about 10 minutes of that, if you have that "secondary grill" section above the main grill, put 'em on that for 15, then turn, wait another 15, and you're done. If you don't have that secondary layer, move to indirect heat instead. If gas, turn down the burners under the chicken, and keep the other ones on. If charcoal, move the coal to one side, the chicken to the other. This all sounds terribly complicated but it isn't. Just remember, DIRECT HEAT for like 10 minutes, INDIRECT HEAT for like 30.

Cover with foil, let rest for 10 minutes, and you're good to go.

"But I don't have a grill!"

If you don't have a grill, you'll need an oven, but the concept is the same: DIRECT heat for 10, INDIRECT for 30. The way to do this is (and you can do this in either order -- I might recommend the opposite order -- INDIRECT for 30, then DIRECT for 10):

- Bake chicken in 400 degree oven for 30 minutes.
- BROIL chicken on full blast for 10, turning every so often to check that you're not burning it.

Same shit. Just a grill is cooler.

It's so good, and I love it because a baby could do it, once you buy the right product. Call me a WALKERSWOOD FAN, at this point.

I've made my own jerk marinades. They were great. This is also great, and is much easier and costs much less, so fuck it.

Store-bought FTW.

[pinback]

Long Way Down (One Last Thing)

All grilling is to be done with the cover on. I-- I'd hope everyone knew that, but just in case not, yeah. Cover on, please.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I guess the biggest problem I have is getting scallions.

Where are scallions?

[pinback]

"Green onions". But you don't need to get them, because they're already in the bottle of marinade I told you to buy.

[Yumiko]

Mister Pinback, you well put the scallion in rapscallion.

[The Happiness Engine]

This might not be acidic enough, but everyone please stop marinating chicken for longer than 30 minutes. Why do you want to eat chalk?

[Tdarcos]

So I present to you:

(Married, No Time Or Money To Fuck Around, Ben)'s Famous Jerk Chicken.

Ben, if someone decides to quit eating jerk chicken, does that make them a jerk-off?

Come on do the Jer-erk.
'Cause the Jerk's alright.
Jerk all day.
Jerk chicken.
Jerk chicken, then,
Jerk all day. Jerk chicken.
- Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, "Do the Jerk"

[pinback]

So I present to you:

(Married, No Time Or Money To Fuck Around, Ben)'s Famous Jerk Chicken.

Ben, if someone decides to quit eating jerk chicken, does that make them a jerk-off?

Come on do the Jer-erk.
'Cause the Jerk's alright.
Jerk all day.
Jerk chicken.
Jerk chicken, then,
Jerk all day. Jerk chicken.
- Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, "Do the Jerk"

[Tdarcos]

(32,964,211 repetitions of the same You Tube video)

Pinhead, you're worse than I am. One mention of the video would have been sufficient to make the point. You're being worse unfunny than I am. Try to do better in the future.

Hell, if you wanted to do something funny, you should have sniped me back, with something like "The only jerk off around here is you," or some other snarky comment.

This is why I know Don Rogers is never coming back. You don't have what it takes to be a radio personality. You have to be willing to respond quickly to something that happens, and if you were serious you'd have done a show every week, or if you were sick, you'd get someone to fill in.

[pinback]

Hell, if you wanted to do something funny, you should have sniped me back, with something like "The only jerk off around here is you,"

That is the least funny reply possible in that situation, but you do not and will never understand that.

[AArdvark]

Well, I believe in Don Rogers. I have confidence, CONFIDENCE!



THE
ALWAYS HOPEFUL
AARDVARK

[Tdarcos]

Well, I believe in Don Rogers.

Lots of people believe in God, 'Vark. Doesn't mean any of them have ever seen her or heard her respond to any of their prayers.

[Tdarcos]

Damn, I missed adding to the previous message, "Personally, I think we'll see the Second Coming of Christ before we see Don Rogers radio show come back."

Please excuse the inconvenience.

By the way, I personally just like plain, ordinary, roast chicken, not something jerked around with.