Burritos

[Flack]

I'm not big on change, but sometimes shit happens. My coworkers and I go out together for lunch twice a week. We go to the same Mexican restaurant every Tuesday, and the same burger joint every Thursday. Each week we sit at the same tables, and get served by the same waitresses. The waitresses know our orders; we know their names.

Over the holidays, our Mexican place closed down. Now, we need another one. It's gotta serve beer, be close enough to work that we can eat there and get back within an hour, but far enough away that we won't run into a bunch of our coworkers while drinking beer. It's also gotta have a waitress willing to memorize our orders and tell us her name.

A few months ago a new place opened up, pretty close to the other place. I believe the name of the place is BURRITOS, as that's the only thing written in English on the outside of the building. The building used to be an old Shell station. Now it's purple. I drive past the place every day and wonder if the burritos are any good. I think they probably are; you would think any place named after a single type of food would excel in preparing it. I never stopped though, because I already had a Mexican place. But that place closed, and well, shit happens. So today, we went to "Burritos."

Burritos is located next to (and I shit you not) a strip club named the Double-D Saloon, best known for it's Double-D's. The parking lot of the two establishments touch, and the sign for the DD is advertising Thursday night vibrator races. While walking through the parking lot I discovered that Burrito's gas pumps were still functional, and suddenly I feared we were entering a convenient store, instead of a place that used to be a convenient store. I joke that Burritos is missing out on a great advertising opportunity; they should advertise themselves as a Mexican restaurant that's a great place to get gas. Nobody laughs, because they're mad I have dragged them to a convenient store for lunch.

Inside, the bones of the old Shell station are still there. A set of shelves against the left wall contain cigarettes, condoms, and Ibuprofen for sale. On the other side of the store, the wall-length freezers are still in place and full of beverages. There are bottles of water and pop, cans of Mexican Coca-Cola, 40oz'ers, and six packs of beer.

Behind the counter are more employees than I was expecting; four, maybe five. It's a lot of people for a place that (a) only sells burritos, and (b) is empty, except for me and my coworkers. The menu contains 21 items, all burritos. The first eight are breakfast burritos, only available from 5am-10am. I begin to daydream, wondering what Burritos is like at 5am. Maybe the Double-D ladies hang around the parking lot with the winners of the vibrator race for a few hours until Burritos opens. I wonder what they buy most: cigarettes, condoms, or Ibuprofen.

I order a #21, the last burrito on the list. It's "chicken with green sauce." Just to clarify, there were 20 burritos before that on the list -- ground beef, steak, steak and ground beef, maybe ground beef and steak. At the other place one of my coworkers ordered nachos and the other ordered a taco salad. Today, they're having burritos. One of them says they should change the name to "ONLY Burritos" and we wonder if maybe in Spanish, "only" is implied.

Each table was covered with a mural of a Hispanic town. All the chairs appeared hand-carved, with toucans on the back, but they are all identical, and not hand-carved. On one side of the front door is a set of plastic garage shelves full of generic pottery for sale. On the other side of the door is a red vinyl bench with a mural of a mariachi band on the back. I assume the bench is where people wait for to go orders, but there are ten tables and when arrived (during the height of the lunch rush) all ten were available. Unless some amazing shit happens here in the middle of the night, I can't imagine a scenario in which there is no seating available.

Before our food arrives, I go to the bathroom to watch my hands. There is one bathroom with a sign identifying it as the restroom for men, women, and people in wheelchairs. There is nothing cleaner in the bathroom than my hands were when I arrived, so I return to our table with dry hands.

Our burritos arrive wrapped in foil and inside plastic baskets, along with a 4" long grilled jalapeno. My official review of the pepper is, "hot as fuck." The burrito was medium sized; bigger than a bean burrito from Taco Bell, but still easily picked up with one hand. The green chili sauce was good. The chicken was cooked well.

None of us ordered beer; on the off chance we encountered another coworker, neither a 40oz beer or a six-pack sitting on our table seemed professional.

On our way out, six men came in. All of them had long white beards. In the parking lot were half a dozen dump truck drivers. We were surprised to see other people there. I'm sure those guys were surprised to see us there. Burrito's clientele consists of Double-D patrons, tow truck drivers, and federal IT professionals.

Surprisingly, none of us ended up with stomach cramps or diarrhea, so that's two pluses. I doubt I'll be able to talk the coworkers into another visit, although I'm pushing for a revisit on Thursday to watch the vibrator races next door.

[Flack]

[pinback]

Looks pretty sweet. In my experience, the quality of Mexican food is inversely proportional to how comfortable you are going into the place that serves it.

[AArdvark]

Those are the chairs they have at Monte Alban

[Jizaboz]

Hahah yeah usually the ones that are the "scariest" are the best ones! I've had a few exceptions though. There's one near me that the cooks just look and act like they hate me, hate life, or both. Never went back. Most people are friendly you're spending money at small places like that so I dunno wtf their deal was.

[AArdvark]

Please to take covert video of these vibrator races.

I wonder if they are...inserted before the contestants run

[Flack]

After taking a second look at that picture I took, I forgot to mention the multiple phone-charging opportunities located near our table.

[Tdarcos]

I'm not big on change, but sometimes shit happens.

You should know a great deal about that, seeing as how you eat at Nexican restaurants.

We go to the same Mexican restaurant every Tuesday, and

By Tuesday afternoon, either the place has a distinct unpleasnt odor and/or all the toilets are full.

Over the holidays, our Mexican place closed down.

And I have a pretty good idea why.

need another one... close enough to work... that we won't run into a bunch of our coworkers while drinking beer.

First and most important rule of being a successful DUIer: Don't leave witnesses.

It's also gotta have a waitress willing to memorize our orders and tell us her name.

Because by the second round of drinks you'll have forgotten your orders, and how to read her name tag.

I believe the name of the place is BURRITOS, as that's the only thing written in English on the outside of the building.

Right, that's the word in English for "miniature burro." Flack, I suggest you avoid drunk posting. (Hint for the unclear, "burrito," like "taco," and "enchilada," are loan words from Spanish.)

The building used to be an old Shell station.

Right, as typical Mexican restaurants: Eat here and get gas.

you would think any place named after a single type of food would excel in preparing it.

[Citation needed]

I never stopped though, because I already had a Mexican place. But that place closed, and well, shit happens.

Again, a man who eats at Mexican restaurants should be extremely familiar with that sort of activity.

While walking through the parking lot I discovered that Burrito's gas pumps were still functional

As I said, Eat here and... oh never mind.

and suddenly I feared we were entering a convenient store, instead of a place that used to be a convenient store.

All kidding aside, I notice you say "convenient store" whereas I would say "convenience store." Maybe it's a midwestern thing; I grew up in California. Maybe it's just more convenient for you to say it that way, but I wouldn't find it much of a convenience.

I joke that Burritos is missing out on a great advertising opportunity; they should advertise themselves as a Mexican restaurant that's a great place to get gas.

Nailed it! (Twice.)

Nobody laughs, because they're mad I have dragged them to a convenient store for lunch.

Since it's now a restaurant, maybe they consider it an inconvenient store?

A set of shelves against the left wall contain cigarettes, condoms,

I was going to make a snarky comment here but Jonsey asked me not to say sexual things, so I won't.

the wall-length freezers are still in place and full of... cans of Mexican Coca-Cola

True fact: Mexico bans the use of high fuctose corn syrup in soft drinks, so any imported from Mexico have real sugar. I tried a soda (from Mexico) with real sugar a few years ago and couldn't taste any difference.

Behind the counter are more employees than I was expecting; four, maybe five. It's a lot of people for a place that (a) only sells burritos, and (b) is empty, except for me and my coworkers.

Unionized, maybe?

The menu contains 21 items, all burritos.

"Spatula City! We sell spatulas, and nothing else!"

I begin to daydream, wondering what Burritos is like at 5am. Maybe the Double-D ladies hang around the parking lot

Or hung over around the parking lot.

I wonder what they buy most: cigarettes, condoms, or Ibuprofen.

For all of these, if you are a regular user you buy them in bulk. A carton of cigarettes probably costs less per pack than individual packs. A large box of condoms (12 or more) will cost less than a dollar each, while a 3-pack might be $6. Plus the health department gives away condoms to anyone who stops by and asks for some. A pouch of two ibuprofen is probably $1, but you can get a jar of 100 in CVS or Target for maybe $6.

they should change the name to "ONLY Burritos" and we wonder if maybe in Spanish, "only" is implied.

A quick check on Bing translate returns "sólo burritos" which translates back as "just burritos." When it comes to Mexican food, one thing is definitely implied. Well, maybe two things, but they both come out of the same place.

I can't imagine a scenario in which there is no seating available.

Lets see. Mexican, lots of people working there, more than needed for the usual number of clientele, lots more seating than needed, very small inventory for the expected overhead. Why does this come up for me as "drug cartel monwy-laundering operation"?

Before our food arrives, I go to the bathroom to watch my hands.

I'm sure you can see them just fine without having to visit the restroom. Might have been better to go there to wash your hands. Or to do a line of coke, and it just might be the Mexican kind!

There is one bathroom with a sign identifying it as the restroom for men, women, and people in wheelchairs.

But not people on crutches. I smell discrimination!

There is nothing cleaner in the bathroom than my hands were when I arrived, so I return to our table with dry hands.

Flack, you should know by now that gas station restrooms are always disgusting. It's so commonplace I think it's required by federal law.

Our burritos arrive wrapped in foil

Like something else imported in blocks from Mexico.

None of us ordered beer; on the off chance we encountered another coworker, neither a 40oz beer or a six-pack sitting on our table seemed professional.

And probably saved whoever drove from a DUI conviction if caught.

On our way out, six men came in. All of them had long white beards. In the parking lot were half a dozen dump truck drivers. We were surprised to see other people there. I'm sure those guys were surprised to see us there. Burrito's clientele consists of Double-D patrons, tow truck drivers, and federal IT professionals.

All of whom are likely to be prime consumers of Mexican recreational pharmaceuticals.

Surprisingly, none of us ended up with stomach cramps or diarrhea, so that's two pluses.

Four, if you also count "not stinking up the office," and "not filling up the toilets."

[Flack]

[AArdvark]

Best of!

Fucking BEST OF!

THE
STOMACH HURTS
FROM LAUGHING
AARDVARK

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I missed this entire thread somehow.

There is a Mexican place that I used to like, near the place I used to work. It made many people who I took there sick, but never me. I did take someone who reported to me there and they got sick and asked that I could let them home the rest of the day. The answer to that is, of course, Si, but it meant there was a hole in our hiring practices for strong stomachs?

[pinback]

Have 'em try the Jack in the Box first.

[Jizaboz]

Suddenly I feel a lot better about my McClunky post.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Have 'em try the Jack in the Box first.

They made the news recently and you'll never guess why. Unless you guessed weapons-grade projectile vomiting from literally everyone who dined there, ever. In that case, yes, you guessed it.

Sad to see, I otherwise like their stuff.

[Tdarcos]

Have 'em try the Jack in the Box first.

They made the news recently and you'll never guess why. Unless you guessed weapons-grade projectile vomiting from literally everyone who dined there, ever. In that case, yes, you guessed it.

Sad to see, I otherwise like their stuff.

I didn't notice this when you posted it, but, as usual, search on here does not work.

Anyway, i don't want to say you're lying, but, well, i think you're lying. Please provide either the link to the article, or if it was q broadcast, what station it was. If you can'tor won't do that, I'm going to pr4esume it's like your usual over the top hyperbole about JITB food, like someone saying Donald Trump has been a competent president or is honest.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I can't point you to one article. It was everywhere. It's like airplanes landing safely - it happens so often it's not newsworthy.

[Tdarcos]

I can't point you to one article. It was everywhere. It's like airplanes landing safely - it happens so often it's not newsworthy.

Okay, I'm going to chck on this. I still think this is ridiculous. If JITB was routinely poisoning people or making them sick, their competitors would say so. "You don't have to go to Jack in the Box and suffer Projectile vomiting, our food is clean and doesn't make you sick." Or the goddam Trial Lawyers would be running ads for people who suffered dfood illnesses to join multi-million dollar Class Action lawsuits.

Nobody reports on safe landings of airplanes because that's what we expect. Nobody seriously exp3ects to get sick by visiting a restaurant. If that was the case, people would be reporting it. And trial lawyers would be suing over it to collect multi-million dollar judgments.

[Tdarcos]

I just looked. A trial attorney is looking for people who've vomited from eating at Jack in the Box, and mentions a 1981 incident that killed 4 and sickened 75. It also lists 10 JITB restaurants having reports. 8 in Cal, 1 in Las Veas and 1 in Texas, with maybe 25 people sickened. Jack-in-the-Box has 2,300 restaurants in 21 states and Guam. 10 restaurants is ½ of 1% of their stores. The way you guys talk about it, I thought it was like 50-100 stores a month and thousands sickened.

If there are lots of people getting sick, why aren't the lawyers getting involved on a massive scale? Nobody does anything about, say, murders because the murderers are routinely poor and there's no money to sue over. Not every killer is O.J. Simpson, or whoever else it was, as he claimed.

[pinback]

I thought it was like 50-100 stores a month and thousands sickened.

No, it's 100% of the stores and 100% of the customers. I don't know where you're getting your information, but it's such common knowledge, like ICJ said, nobody's going to write about it. "SKY IS BLUE, reports the New York Times today..." C'mon, man.

This is also the reason Jack in the Box is recommended by diet doctors, since after you are done shitting and puking yourself to the brink of death, you'll actually have dropped over 1 point on the BMI scale. That's per visit, mind you.