I've got six days to learn how to swim

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

So my girlfriend got us "scuba lessons" for my birthday.

She asked, quite categorically, IF I COULD SWIM. Because I NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON, I told her yes and shrugged it off. Psh. Who can't swim?

So she won private lessons with a scuba instructor in a chairty auction a few months ago, and presented me with the DVDs one must watch, the Dive Plan Computer, and the booklet that has questions you need to fill out. The instructor dropped by on Saturday to talk everything over with us, and the plan was to drop in the salt water pool today and complete the water stuff there.

SIDEBAR: When I was seven or so, I had an ear infection, and they removed bones from my ear and one of my ear drums. (Don't you need two ear drums to be in a band? Apparently not.) Because my girl is an ear doctor we had the luxury of honesty, and we said that YES, I have hearing loss on the form.

She is an audiologist, but the form requires a physician to sign a waiver. Because of that, I was not able to get in the water today. Nnnghhh! I was able to take the final exam. (94% -- I have an "A" average on every single college course or exam I've ever taken on Colorado, by the way. This is like how Michael Redstone of Squadron Supreme was killed when he left earth, except I can't lift (press) several tons.)

I asked my gal if she wanted to go for a swim since we couldn't get in the water for scuba stuff until I get a note. So we went to a 24-hour Fitness.

Did I mention, you have to be able to swim 200 yards without stopping.

Did I mention, you have to be able to float for ten minutes without stopping.

I can do neither of these things. I can swim 30 feet. Not even yards, but feet. And I can't "float" at all.

We are probably gonna reschedule with the scuba instructor on Saturday. Jolt Country Denizens, I've got six days to learn how to swim.

[Maynard James Keenan]

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[Flack]

If you want, I can teach you how to swim the same way I was taught. In 3rd grade I attended Boy Scout Camp. When I mentioned that I didn't know how to swim, one of camp counselors picked me up and threw me into the deep end. While psychologically damaging, at least when poling survivors, the technique has a 100% success rate.

Fortunately for me, fat floats. In my old swimming pool I could literally float on my back forever, especially while holding lungs full of air. If I am ever in a boating accident, I will never drown. I will just float out there until somebody rescues me or I starve to death. I can definitely float for 10 minutes. I'd bet that I could float for 10 hours.

I don't know that I could swim 200 yards without stopping. I'm a pretty good swimmer actually, but my old pool was 25 feet across so ... that would be 24 times across the pool, and I never tried that. I actually did some exercise swimming for a while but on lap 2 or three I usually got hit with a volleyball or someone jumped on my back screaming "MARCO POLO".

As for the floating, I recommend fattening up, Jonsey. You can go with the typical "Cinnamon Toast Crunch" breakfast cereal diet (a box a day will pack on the pounds) or, if you're in a big hurry, dog food.

For the swimming ... hm, that's a toughie. How big is your bathtub? Maybe you could practice in there? Or maybe you could pretend to swim through your office while your workmates throw glasses of water in your face? Not really helping here, I know.

[CO]

Jonsey, the floating part couldn't be easier. I assume they mean a back float and not a dead mans float. Just lean your head back and let your legs droop where they want. The key is breathing, you want to breathe out slow and in quickly so you're keeping some air in your longs as much as possible. Your upper body won't want to sink and there's no limit to how long you can do this.

You should check but I think Scuba classes actually require a ten minute Tread/Float which is even easier. While you're doing the aforementioned back float, just kick your feet in a scissor motion somewhat slowly and at the same time move your arms back and forth. If you had flippers on, you could do this for hours like in that awful movie where the couple gets left behind by the boat Open Water.

For the swimming part, I'm guessing you have the basic idea of how to move your arms.

The key is not to forget to keep kicking and just do your best with the arm movements. Kicking is what you'll do most when scuba diving anyway so that's the most important part. You're already in decent shape apparently since you play soccer so stamina shouldn't be a huge problem as long as you breathe. That's where inexperienced swimmers mess up: forgetting to breath enough so they get tired. There's no problem swimming with your head up and straight ahead so you can breathe all you want without having to remember to turn your head.

[RealNC]

You can't float in seawater? Isn't that kind of weird, since humans, having a lower overall density than seawater, can float on it without actually doing anything? :-/

[Flack]

I don't know and I didn't see ICJ mention it in his post, but here in Oklahoma, all scuba diving classes take place in dedicated swimming pools because the lakes here are so murky and muddy.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

You can't float in seawater? Isn't that kind of weird, since humans, having a lower overall density than seawater, can float on it without actually doing anything? :-/

Nikos, you were right to ask this. The scuba test is in seawater, but all the "training" (those are sneer quotes I am directing at myself) I am doing is in freshwater.

Apparently I can use flippers if I swim 300 yards instead of 200. Is that worth it? Is that trade worth it??

CO, yours was the first advice that got through to my BRANE. I was getting instruction tonight and I was actually able to float for a couple minutes. I feel I could at least do that part, and then maybe the scuba instructor will count in base 10 or something for the swimming.

[co]

Apparently I can use flippers if I swim 300 yards instead of 200. Is that worth it? Is that trade worth it?

go with the flippers, it'll be so much easier and you're only talking two more laps. Otherwise you're relying mostly on your arms for locomotion and there's lots of small efficiency related things that make a huge difference with that. Things like keeping your fingers together always, keeping your head down, breathing every other stroke or less, and following through your stroke all take practice which you don't have time for.

[Flack]

Another vote for flippers. It will help you "do the locomotion," so to speak.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

OK, flippers are in. They're in god dammit!

Here's my DAY WHATEVER WE'RE ON UPDATE:

1) I was able to swim on my back from one length of the pool to the other.

2) I was able to do it several times.

3) I think I "get it" now, what it is you're supposed to do. It all started to click. My instructor had me also do some stuff where I was swimming forward and breathing-out underwater.

I don't see how the first time you're under water with a scuba mask on it's not FUGGING TERRIFYING. So that will be a thing if I pass the swim test. I'm going to lose my god damn mind when they do the bit where the regulator is stolen from you like the monkey steals the peach.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

As it turns out, I did the swim test, I did the float test, and I was able to get my first class down for scuba diving.

I panicked at one point during the scuba lesson: when you demonstrate the skill where you fill the mask up with water and have to "clear" it. My definition of "clearing the mask" included going, "RRNNNGHHK!" like a goddamn baby.

So we went up till we were 6 feet under water instead of 12 and I was able to CLEAR THE MASK. (I was tipping my head the wrong way in the water. Tip your head back!!!)

So up next is the "open water certification" where we do all the same things, but in "open water" instead of a po-- oh. Oh!

I WILL NEVER GO FARTHER DOWN THAN LIKE 12 FEET. EVEr.

(Well, maybe for the first few years.)

I did remember getting extremely thirsty at one point. Seeing how the test was in salt water, drinking was not an option! I also had only one moment where I was DYING for a "regular" breath. I just tried to remain calm and not think about it.

[Flack]

Hey, congrats!

In high school, to pass the time when class was almost over, I would hold my breath for a minute and then catch my breath the next minute. There's that moment about 30-40 seconds in where you start to panic and you have to calm yourself down, but after doing it just a few times it got easier.

I tried it the other day and after about 30 seconds I got light headed so I decided this was not a good game to play while driving home on the interstate.

[RealNC]

In high school, to pass the time when class was almost over, I would hold my breath for a minute and then catch my breath the next minute. There's that moment about 30-40 seconds in where you start to panic and you have to calm yourself down, but after doing it just a few times it got easier.

Might be due to the brain damage. :3

[Flack]

David Blaine was able to hold his breath for 17 minutes. Then again, referencing David Blaine when arguing against brain damage is a losing move.

You win this round, sir.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Understood. Though I like that our culture has guys like him in it.

I joined a gym on Friday. I can't keep fucking around, I'm gonna die if I don't make some changes in the next two years. OK, I might be able to struggle along with a DRUG COCKTAIL keeping my pulse regular, my blood unpressured and so forth, but that's not very cyberpunk. I'll take nootropics over dioxyberphalluside or whatever.

I'm gonna try to limit beef to times where I go out to eat, so it really IS a treat. If I don't buy it at home, then that's gonna do a lot to limit what I get. But I also don't want to eat a pistol rather than a steak if I'm in the company of friends or whatever.

I did a great job a few weeks ago eating mostly fruit, but the money play is in vegetables. I like whipping up curry-like dinners, so really - switching to vegetable broth instead of chicken broth? No prob. Having a tiny portion of chicken breast strips with it instead of a few chicken thighs? Not a problem.

In 2012 they finally have the technology in place for gyms to charge credit cards rather than directly take money out of your checking account, so I guess I am all set. I'm worried that I am not gonna get enough out of swimming a half-hour every time I go over there, but whatever: I can jog or lift weights first.

But fuck this. I'm tired of seeming like I've got energy to post like shit on a forum and little else.

[Jizaboz]

I WILL NEVER GO FARTHER DOWN THAN LIKE 12 FEET. EVEr.

(Well, maybe for the first few years.)

I know exactly what you mean there. I have weird inner-ear stuff going on (I get dizzy as hell from elevators, etc) so if I try to even dive to the bottom of an 8-foot pool, it feels like my ears are going to explode. I don't think I will ever scuba due to this and the fact that I have an extreme phobia of being submerged in large bodies of water near large objects (whales, ship hulls, etc). I'll stick to floating on top of the ocean on a surfboard that's leashed to my foot.

Congrats on all this stuff, man! It took me a year or two to learn how to even swim as a kid, and a lot of that time was just doggy-paddling.