I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush

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Terry Jones

I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush

Post by Terry Jones »

Terry Jones
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.

My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.


--Terry Jones, yes, the Monty Python Terry Jones

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AArdvark
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Post by AArdvark »

Don't blow up the spam, tho..




THE
ONLY GOOD SPAM
IS DEAD SPAM
AARDVARK

Worm
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Post by Worm »

I think this article proves that we need to regulate metaphor.
Good point Bobby!

bruce
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Post by bruce »

Worm wrote:I think this article proves that we need to regulate metaphor.
If you use metaphors, then the terrorists have already won.

Besides, since the Bible is literally, 100% inerrant, then Jesus didn't use metaphors, and therefore if you do, you are Satanic. And a terrorist.

And don't give me any shit about the parable of the mustard seed. Dude, it was about a MUSTARD SEED. Could it be any clearer? Faith, like a mustard seed? WWJD? Why, he'd kick your ass just like he did with the moneychangers in the temple.

Yours Truly,
Citizen Ashcroft

Citizen Ashcroft

****

Post by Citizen Ashcroft »

***WARNING*** ERROR TYPE 666

THIS THREAD HAS BEEN EARMARKED FOR CONTAINING POTENTIALLY SUBVERSIVE MATERIAL, AND HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO FOOT SOLDIERS IN ATTY. GEN. ASHCROFT'S CHRISTIAN GUERILLA GLEE CLUB FOR REVIEW. THAT IS ALL.

LOVE,

THE FEDERALIS

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

Citizen Ashcroft ought to be a recurring character on this BBS.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

Citizen Ashcroft

Post by Citizen Ashcroft »

CITIZEN CREAM JONSEY,

THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE IN RESPONSE TO YOUR REQUEST FOR A STRONGER PRESENCE BY EVERYONE'S FAVORITE INSIPID, SQUARE-HEADED ATTORNEY GENERAL.

WHILE I AM QUITE BUSY ENSURING DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY AND TESTING MIDWESTERN BONGWATER, I PROMISE YOU I AM MAKING EVERY EFFORT TO VISIT INDIVIDUAL CITIZENS' WEBSITES WITH MORE FREQUENCY.

SHOULD I REQUIRE MORE INFORMATION, I WILL VISIT YOU UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS.

YOURS IN CHRIST,

CITIZEN ASHCROFT, ESQ.

Commandant Ridge

Yes More

Post by Commandant Ridge »

Citizen Ashcroft when you are through with Citizen Cream Jonsey, please direct him to the nearest FEMA Cam... er.. Facility for processing.

Commandant Ridge

Wilson C. Furburglar

Post by Wilson C. Furburglar »

Citizen Ashcroft ought to be a recurring character on this BBS.
He's right, you know.

Citizen Ashcroft

Post by Citizen Ashcroft »

THE REV. ATTY. GEN. CITIZEN ASHCROFT, ESQ. DOES NOT DO COMMAND PERFORMANCES. DON'T YOU SECULAR MONSTERS UNDERSTAND THAT?

BESIDES, I AM CURRENTLY BUSY TRYING TO BOMB THE CHRIST INTO, NOT OUT OF A NATION OF LITTLE BROWN PEOPLE. WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, I HOPE TO HAVE THE BOOK OF ASHCROFT TAGGED ONTO THE END OF THE NEW TESTAMENT.

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS,

C.A.

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