The Great Escape

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Flack
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The Great Escape

Post by Flack » Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:18 pm

My wife and kids went on vacation without me for spring break. The only thing my wife asked me to do, other than not burn the house down, is to keep our pets alive. We have a dog, a cat, and a fish. Before they left, the fish got one of those food cubes that lasts a week. One down.

The dog stays outside all day and sleeps inside in a crate each night. Dog duties involve letting her out each morning, letting her in at night, and feeding her at both of those times.

The cat is declawed, and strictly indoors. Cat duties include feeding her when she runs out of food and giving her water when she runs out of water. Oh, and cleaning up after her when she pukes. The cat has a weak stomach and throws up when she gets nervous... like when everyone in the house goes on vacation.

My wife knows I hate the pets, and the last thing she said to me before she left, only semi-jokingly, is to please not have any of the animals "disappear" while they are gone. Apparently I have the reputation of being a monster. Also, that ruined my plans of making at least one of them "disappear."

The fun started Friday night. I went to the back door and called for the dog. My backyard is not that big. Usually when I open the back door, the dog runs inside before I can spit. Friday, I found the dog missing. I yelled the dog's name ten times, and nothing happened. While I was doing this with the door open, the goddamn cat ran outside. So really just to summarize this moment, in a matter of seconds, we went from having two pets to zero pets. (I don't count the fish.)

I did the only two things I know how to do. First, I sat outside for ten minutes, shaking a bag of food and yelling their names like an asshole. When that didn't work, the second thing I did was go back inside and hope one or both of them had the common sense to come home. About an hour later, I heard the dog barking in the backyard, so I went to the back door and let her in. On my way back to the couch I heard the cat meowing at the front door, so I let it in at the same time. Woohoo, problem solved!

(Not even close.)

Saturday morning I wake up, let the dog out, and watch as it makes a break for the back gate. The gate looks closed, but she hits it at full speed and it swings open. Fuck. Before I can say her name twice, that dog is gone, man. It's already five yards away, so then it's off to the car.

I get in my car, windows down, at 7:30 in the morning, driving around my neighborhood like a goober calling the dog. Eventually I spot the dog, put the car in park, open the door, and try to get the dog inside. Nothing doing. The dog came from a shelter, was abused, and is terrified of me. So everytime I go "c'mere you asshole" it runs again. Eventually this turns into a reenactment of the OJ Simpson slow speed chase as I'm driving through my neighborhood at 2 miles per hour, chasing this stupid dog. Each time the dog stops to sniff or piss on something, I leap out and it takes off again. This went on for two solid miles until I said screw this goddamn dog and went back home.

An hour or so later the dog was back in the backyard. This time I closed the gate and noticed she had broken the latch. I closed the gate with duct tape, which will hold until I go to Lowe's tomorrow and buy a new clasp.

When I woke up this morning the cat had puked on the dining room table, because of course she had.

Everyone returns from vacation tonight.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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Jizaboz
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Jizaboz » Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:34 pm

Damn dude those are some close calls!

Animals are usually good at just coming back to where they get fed eventually, but it's hard to tell your wife "Well.. if the animal is too stupid to know to come back home then whatever."

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:42 pm

I enjoyed your story. I have been someone who is extremely paranoid about cats getting out and one thing I have noticed as we've had work done on our house is that contractor do not believe they should shut doors. It can be 90 degrees with the A/C running and they will leave the front door wide open. It can be 32 degrees outside with the heat running and they will leave the front door completely open from the time they start working until the time they stop. It can be a tepid 68 degrees outside, but the location in question can be one where there is the typical crime associated with the city and they will leave the front and rear doors open.

So I always have to make sure to lock the cats up before they come over. Where I'm going with all this is that I think your dog is making 70-80 bucks an hour as a roofer.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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AArdvark
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by AArdvark » Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:51 pm

That invisible fence is one of the top ten greatest inventions of mankind. I understand that there's GPS thingies you can attach to the collars now. Wont bring the dog back but you can see where they are.

Funny, back when I lived in the city I never let the cat out. "Indoor kitty," I would call as he begged to go outside. Now we moved to the country and I open the door and say: "Get the fuck out if you want to go out." Now if he would only catch mice.

THE
SAVING ON CAT FOOD
AARDVARK

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Flack
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Flack » Sun Mar 25, 2018 5:41 pm

Jizaboz wrote:
Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:34 pm
Damn dude those are some close calls!

Animals are usually good at just coming back to where they get fed eventually, but it's hard to tell your wife "Well.. if the animal is too stupid to know to come back home then whatever."
All we do is pet and feed these stupid animals and the minute the opportunity rises they run like the building's on fire. I don't get it. If I was dating a girl and every time I turned around she took off running as fast as she could, I wouldn't keep chasing her.

(I'd install one of those electric fences Aardvark mentioned.)
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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Flack
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Flack » Sun Mar 25, 2018 5:43 pm

AArdvark wrote:
Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:51 pm
Funny, back when I lived in the city I never let the cat out. "Indoor kitty," I would call as he begged to go outside. Now we moved to the country and I open the door and say: "Get the fuck out if you want to go out." Now if he would only catch mice.
When we lived at our last house, I used to let the cat out all the time and everybody would freak out. "He's not going anywhere!" I would say and they would all flip their lids. One time I was like, "guys, watch!" and I opened the front door. That was the last time we ever saw the cat.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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Flack
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Flack » Sun Mar 25, 2018 5:45 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:42 pm
I enjoyed your story. I have been someone who is extremely paranoid about cats getting out and one thing I have noticed as we've had work done on our house is that contractor do not believe they should shut doors. It can be 90 degrees with the A/C running and they will leave the front door wide open. It can be 32 degrees outside with the heat running and they will leave the front door completely open from the time they start working until the time they stop. It can be a tepid 68 degrees outside, but the location in question can be one where there is the typical crime associated with the city and they will leave the front and rear doors open.

So I always have to make sure to lock the cats up before they come over. Where I'm going with all this is that I think your dog is making 70-80 bucks an hour as a roofer.
We have a maid service that shows up every other week (long story). Every time they come over we have to lock the cat in one of the kids' bedrooms because, just like you said, they leave the front door wide open while they're outside smoking or carrying cleaning supplies in and out. Any time the cat hears a car door closing in the driveway she runs to the starting line and prepares to make a dash when the door opens (we have all perfected the "get the fuck back" mule kick), so yeah, leaving the door all the way open for more than a second or two is just asking for it.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Mar 25, 2018 8:18 pm

Could you imagine going into someone else's home under any circumstances and leaving the door open?
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Billy Mays
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Billy Mays » Mon Mar 26, 2018 12:43 am

You're the boss in your own home, don't take any shit from these assholes and dispute the charges immediately.

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Billy Mays
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Billy Mays » Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:07 am

For example, you could politely say: "I need you to close the front and back doors when you're not using them.", and if they continue to leave those doors open after that then you could calmly tell them to "Get the fuck out of my house", then don't pay them/dispute charges.

Another example is if somebody doesn't complete the job on time or does an unsatisfactory job or they start using your backyard to stash dumpsters then you don't pay them/dispute the charges and then have the dumpsters removed from your property at the owner's expense.

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Mon Mar 26, 2018 11:16 am

Okay, having cursed out contractors for something they are never, ever going to budge on, I now need to guarantee that they never speak to anyone else in their line of work ever, so that I can still get someone to do the thing I needed them to do in the first place. What next, chief? You seem to have headed up a scenario where I still don't have electrical in the ceiling and I now need to spend most of my evenings cutting out contractor tongues.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Billy Mays
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Billy Mays » Mon Mar 26, 2018 12:37 pm

Most contractors don't socialize in the manner that you're describing, they go out during the day to rip off people from the suburbs and then return home at night to abuse their girlfriends. My advice to you would be to roll the dice on another contractor, just don't show any weakness this time.

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Jizaboz
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Jizaboz » Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:02 pm

Flack wrote: One time I was like, "guys, watch!" and I opened the front door. That was the last time we ever saw the cat.
Lololololol

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Mon Mar 26, 2018 7:08 pm

Billy Mays wrote:
Mon Mar 26, 2018 12:37 pm
Most contractors don't socialize in the manner that you're describing, they go out during the day to rip off people from the suburbs and then return home at night to abuse their girlfriends. My advice to you would be to roll the dice on another contractor, just don't show any weakness this time.
Ah, so now people who are in an industry together do not speak to one another. I see. Because if there's one word you never hear when it comes to skilled manual labor, it's them being in a sort of, hoooooooooooooooooah, just randomly selecting a word from the dictionary reall -- union.

So, things I have to do now to take Billy's advice:

1) Forcibly cut out the tongues of contractors
2) Bust unions
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Flack
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Flack » Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:39 am

Billy is obviously describing the way he wished the world works, instead of the way it actually works.

The reality is, if you were to tell any contractor to "get the fuck out of my house," they would, immediately, taking your non-refundable deposit and whatever money you paid them up front for materials with them. Cancel payment on those things after signing the contract that any contractor on the planet will have you sign and you'll still be out the money, plus court costs. Then you'll be forced to hire another contractor. Not only will the next contractor you hire be (rightfully) suspicious as to why you fired the last one, but they're going to charge you the same price as the first one, plus more to clean up whatever the first one left behind. Not to mention that if they're worried you're a loose cannon and might fire them too, they're likely to charge you an even higher deposit.

In a perfect world, yes, we would all be standing on our roofs, shirts off and wind blowing our capes as we crack a whip while the people we hire to repair and renovate our houses cower in fear under our power. In reality, they're going to always leave the doors open and we're going to complain about it on the internet, because all of paid more attention in typing class than we did in Drywall Repair 101.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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Billy Mays
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Billy Mays » Tue Mar 27, 2018 6:12 pm

I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree here. Perhaps the reason my methods work while ICJ and Flack think they're ridiculous is because of the fact that I am a towering, broad-shouldered, alpha. I also drive a Ferrari.

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Tdarcos
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Tdarcos » Wed Apr 11, 2018 9:13 am

Billy Mays wrote:
Tue Mar 27, 2018 6:12 pm
I am a towering, broad-shouldered, alpha. I also drive a Ferrari.
Bullshit. Real alphas drive Lambos.
The lessons of history teach us - if they teach us anything - that no one learns the lessons of history. tdarcos@tdarcos.com

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Tdarcos
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Re: The Great Escape

Post by Tdarcos » Wed Apr 11, 2018 9:35 am

Erik Hexum wrote:
Wed Dec 31, 1969 5:25 pm

One time I was like, "guys, look, there are no bullets in this gun" and I pulled the trigger. That was the last time anyone ever saw me alive.
The lessons of history teach us - if they teach us anything - that no one learns the lessons of history. tdarcos@tdarcos.com

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