Kings Island Trip Review!

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COASTER EXPERT

Kings Island Trip Review!

Post by COASTER EXPERT »

Welcome back, to the latest episode of COASTER EXPERT TRIP REVIEW!

COASTER EXPERT needs to be honest with you. COASTER EXPERT hasn't ridden a roller coaster in, Christ... Fifteen years? Something along those lines. I don't count that terrible one on the Santa Monica pier. But whenever it was, COASTER EXPERT no longer even remembers it.

But COASTER EXPERT recently moved to the COASTER CENTER OF THE WORLD. And though COASTER EXPERT has a kid now, and no energy to do anything or enjoy life anymore, today was the first day of school, which seemed to COASTER EXPERT to be the perfect day to try out the local coaster haven, Kings Island, if he was going to have any chance of rekindling his love for TRACK, and determine if he was, in fact, still capable of enjoying anything.

When COASTER EXPERT arrived at the park, a light rain began to fall. Throughout the trip, the rain would subside and return sporadically, at various strengths. Regardless, it was raining, and it was the first day of school, which means COASTER EXPERT essentially had the entire park to himself. And as any COASTER EXPERT knows, the ideal condition for a ride is, in fact, with a little light drizzle, so it was as if the Coaster Gods had personally designed this day, this moment, to bring COASTER EXPERT back into the world of thrill rides!

COASTER EXPERT barely remembers how to review a coaster anymore. Please bear with him as COASTER EXPERT attempts to construct a trip report worthy of anyone's time. And remember, all ratings are on the legendary -3 to +5 scale:

Upon entering, I sauntered directly (well, as directly as I could without having grabbed a park map, which meant getting lost and then pretending that I was just seeing some of the rest of the park first) to the park's biggest and most notable attraction, the

DIAMONDBACK (+5)
================
I've only been on one other B&M hypercoaster in my life, and only once, and it was while I was visiting New Jersey for some unknown reason. I remember thinking, wow, this is the best thing ever. I wish I lived near one of these. Well, now I do, and it is still the best thing ever. Amazingly, I was able to grab the front row for my first ride in over a decade, without waiting, on the biggest coaster in town. Once strapped into my seat (COASTER EXPERT was worried he was going to have trouble with that, since COASTER EXPERT has put on a few pounds since the last time he got his ride on), I felt something I hadn't felt on a rollercoaster since I first started the hobby: Nerves! Hadn't been on one in so long, and this is the big bad one, right out of the gate. That was amusing, that these monstrous creations of physics and fun could still put a flutter in ol' COASTER EXPERT's heart. As the train headed up the lift hill, it all came rushing back, though, and I settled right in. Smiling ear to ear, enjoying the view, not a care in the world. COASTER EXPERT was back where he belonged.

The next two minutes were a blur of seat-stapling Gs, bewilderment, speed, rain, and most importantly... the AIR! The air, people. It is impossible to stay in your seat for half of this thing. Every single hill had you flying, praying the seat restraint would hold (it did). And even after the block brake, heading into the smaller final section, the airtime seemed to get even MORE pronounced. Magnificent. Amazing. The perfect "welcome-back" gift. And as I left the exit gate, there was no question where I was going next -- right back for another run.

But as excited as I was about the D-back, the one I was really interested in was

MYSTIC TIMBERS (+5)
===================
This is a new wooden "terrain coaster" which had opened the previous year to rave reviews. For COASTER EXPERT fans, you'll recall my favorite wooden coaster, "Boulderdash", was also a "terrain coaster", meaning that rather than being concerned with big hills and drops, it prefers to stay relatively low and fast, cutting through the, well, terrain on which it's built. This presents excellent opportunities for enhanced feelings of speed, with the ground and trees whipping past you, but also plentiful airtime, as while the hills tend to be smaller than a more traditional woodie, you go over them much faster.

It did not disappoint. From the first turnaround drop, there was absolutely no way to know which way you were going next, and what set this apart from previous terrain coasters was the unheard of, crazy banking that it's doing, all the while keeping you out of your seat for an incredible amount of time. I've never been on a wooden coaster with turns like these. COASTER EXPERT learned something on that first run: Coasters have... evolved since COASTER EXPERT was last on one. And if Mystic Timbers is any indication, they have evolved wonderfully.

There are many years separating me and Boulderdash, and I might be flush with the good memories of today's trip, but right now I can't think anything other than Mystic Timbers is the best wooden coaster I've ever been on. And again, straight from the exit back to the entrance for this one.

I could have stayed at these two all day (and in fact, being right next to each other, you probably could), but I did wanna give the rest of the park a try, so after a bit of wandering and more getting lost I MEAN seeing the rest of the park, I found myself at

FIREHAWK (+3)
=============
I wasn't even sure what kind of coaster it was (or even if it was open) as I approached. But it was open, running one train, and that's when I saw it was a flying coaster. That's where you lie on your back at the start, and then at the top of the lift hill, the track twists 180 degrees so you are staring at the ground, and then the track does its thing and you feel like you're flying the whole time, as all you can see is what's underneath you. Haven't been on many of these, and while the track style told me it was relatively old, and was likely to be relatively rough, it was surprisingly non-lethal in its bumpiness, and the flying thing is always a hoot. I had a headache at the end, but I'm not convinced it was all the coaster's fault. At any rate, it was better than I thought it was going to be, even though I was afraid the whole time that either my phone/keys would fall out of my pocket, or fat old COASTER EXPERT would break the seat restraints and plummet directly into the ground at 50 MPH. Thankfully, neither happened, so it was time to move on to

THE RACER (-1.5)
===============
My first "real" roller coaster was the Rebel Yell at King's Dominion in Richmond Virginia, when I was, what, 7? 8, maybe? I forget. A classic old rickety white wooden out-and-back racer (with only one of the two parallel tracks in operation, I don't know if that was just today or they only ever run one train). And it was classic, and old, and rickety. Which is quaint and enjoyable as long as you are not riding on it, because, goddamn. Very rough, very painful, and from the first drop I was just waiting for it to be over. At the end of each ride, the ride-ops at this park always ask "How was your ride?!" This was the only one of the day where nobody piped up with a "woooo!". We all just sat their silently, tending to our wounds. Oh well, they can't all be winners. Time to move on to the

BANSHEE (+4)
============
Back in my riding days, there were a bunch of B&M inverted coasters scattered all over the country with a "Batman" motif. If you've frequented these parks over the past 20 years, surely you've ridden on or at least seen one of these. You sit under the track, and are sent through a number of loops, other inversions, helices and all that jazz. This reminded me of an old Batman ride, except... bigger. Or at least, it seemed bigger to me. And oh my, the inversions! I lost count after half the ride. If you like being upside-down, the Banshee can hook you up, with its pretzel-like, dizzying layout. The Batman feelings all came back to me, and while they're all quite similar in their design and effects, they're still a blast, and I'm giving this one a +4 just because it brought back so many good memories. The positive-Gs on this one were the most intense of the day, though, which COASTER EXPERT learned he doesn't handle quite as well as when he was a young COASTER WHIPPERSNAPPER. Whew!

I briefly toyed with the idea of going back to the entrance for one more go, but your boy was starting to wear out even by this early stage in the trip. Better take a quick break by riding the Drop Tower, both for a relaxing respite from the Gs, and also to be able to look around from 315 feet in the air to see if there was anything important I'd missed. I saw one track I hadn't seen from ground-leve, so after dropping to the ground, I got off and headed to

THE BAT (0)
===========
The bat is an old-school suspended coaster. These things were the big new exciting thing 30 years ago. I've always found them boring as hell. This one was boring as hell. Nothing particularly wrong with it, and I'm sure some people enjoy it, but, yeah, if they did ride photos on this one, I would have had the "BORING AS FUCK" look, even without posing.

Obviously, nothing in this place was going to come remotely close to the majesty of the first two rides. So on my way out, I headed back to Mystic Timbers for one more go. I wanted the front seat, so I let two kids in front of me so they could go in the front seat with their family and I'd wait for the next train. This was the only time the entire day I had to wait for a train. And that's just because COASTER EXPERT is such a nice guy, despite what you might have heard. And it was, of course, worth the (3 minute?) wait. Holy mackerel, what a wonderful coaster.

But I knew I had to go out the way I came in, so I stopped by for one more go on the Diamondback.

As I navigated the entrance queue, I was hoping I wouldn't have to wait long for the front seat, because that's definitely the way I was going out. As I approached the station, I couldn't believe what I saw:

There was nobody waiting for the front seat.

There was also nobody waiting for any other seat.

So it was, in a light drizzle, COASTER EXPERT took his last ride of the day, in the front seat of the city's most renowned thrill attraction, on a train, specially reserved by the Coaster Gods, for him alone.

And that was the best coaster ride I have ever taken.



The two best coasters COASTER EXPERT has ever been on.
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ChainGangGuy
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Re: Kings Island Trip Review!

Post by ChainGangGuy »

I think it's wonderful the Coaster Expert has returned after all these years.

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AArdvark
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Re: Kings Island Trip Review!

Post by AArdvark »

Excellent review! I think COASTER EXPERT should submit reviews for the rest of the wide world. Some of the published works really suck by comparison.

Now that COASTER EXPERT is in Ohio, will he be making the pilgrimage to Cedar Point?
I would be happy to read a comprehensive review of that glorious coaster peninsula.

THE
UP DOWN REPEAT
AARDVARK

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ChainGangGuy
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Re: Kings Island Trip Review!

Post by ChainGangGuy »

AArdvark wrote: Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:21 am Excellent review!
Wasn't it such a sweet story?

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Re: Kings Island Trip Review!

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

YA GOING TO CEDAR POINT DON

?
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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pinback
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Re: Kings Island Trip Review!

Post by pinback »

KINGS ISLAND RIDE COUNT: (just posting it here before I forget)

DIAMONDBACK: 6
MYSTIC TIMBERS: 5
BANSHEE: 4
THE BEAST: 2
THE BAT: 1
VORTEX: 1
BACKLOT STUNT COASTER: 1
FLIGHT OF FEAR: 1
ADVENTURE EXPRESS: 1
INVERTIGO: 1
FIREHAWK: 1
RACER: 1
I don't have to say anything. I'm a doctor, too.

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