Jaws 2

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I am completely obsessed by Jaws, I'll admit it. I've watched it on average once every three days for the last several weeks. I'm wearing a Quint t-shirt and drinking a Narragansett right now. It's my favorite thing ever.

I was gonna do a bit where I watched the other Jaws movies, just to provide perspective, compare and contrast. It'd be fun.

I just got thirty minutes into Jaws 2, which I'm sure is considered the best of the sequels, and had to shut it off. I can't do it. Mainly I just felt so bad for Roy Scheider, John Williams and the other few hold overs stuck there by contractual obligations.

This is not fun, so this project is cancelled. Jaws is my favorite thing ever, and I'm not going to dignify this other garbage with my precious, precious time

Jaws 2 sucks.

[Billy Mays]

Sure glad you had time to write this shitty review of a 42 year old movie and not defend the honor of Jolt Country. You make me sick.

[Flack]

The best thing about Jaws 2 is that it shows what a magical film Jaws was. Jaws 2 literally took all the beats from the original and inserted some new filter, resulting in a film that is nowhere as good as the original.

My favorite part of Jaws 2 is when Brody shows up to the city council meeting with a picture of the shark and they all go "nope, don't see it." I'm telling you, if this were in real life, every person within fifty miles of that beach would jump every time a splish splashed the wrong way. Every time a wave hit the dock, someone would be yelling SHARK! I'd be surprised if any kid in that town took a back for ten years after that. The fact that Brody's kids go back into the water is pretty crazy.

Jaws 2 is pretty terrible, but after you've seen Jaws 4 a few times, you can tell that they were at least trying a little bit in #2.

[Tdarcos]

Jaws 2 sucks.

Wait until you see Jaws 3D. If you think Jaws 2 sucks, Jaws 3D is a black hole in comparison. A place with a pull so strong no plot or character development can escape!

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I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it. I think I saw all of these movies once, a million years ago, but don't recall any specifics. I had a vague recollection that 3 was considered the worst sequel, 2 the "best", and 4 a strange, middling outlier with Michael Caine that made no sense.

Let's check MRQE!

Jaws 2 posts what I can only describe as an extremely generous 61.

Jaws 3-D clocks in with a laughable 30, one of the lowest scores I've ever seen on MRQE for a movie anyone had heard of.

Jaws 4. Oh my. Well, 30 WAS one of the lowest scores I've ever seen, but Jaws 4 is holding steady at 20, which definitely IS the lowest score I've ever seen.

Yeah, if I couldn't get through the first half hour of 2, there's no way I'll make it five minutes into the others. This is all shameful.




In comparison to these shitshows, Jaws has a 93 on MRQE. It's tied with Schindler's List, tied for 17th on MRQE's all-time top rated list, and lagging only behind Raiders of the Lost Ark's 96 in Spielberg's body of work.

[Flack]

I just want to leave this summary of Jaws 4 from Wikipedia here:

"The film focuses on a now-widowed Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary) and her conviction that a great white shark is seeking revenge on her family, particularly when it kills her son, and follows her to the Bahamas."

[Jizaboz]

I just want to leave this summary of Jaws 4 from Wikipedia here:

"The film focuses on a now-widowed Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary) and her conviction that a great white shark is seeking revenge on her family, particularly when it kills her son, and follows her to the Bahamas."

Lol yeah it all went downhill after that first kill.

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Alright, I pushed on through last night and finished Jaws 2. It's so bad. It's so bad you guys. Three things:

1. Flack is right to point out the absurdity of them giving Brody shit for thinking there's a shark... and firing him!. "We gotta get rid of this lunatic that thinks there's a shark out there, even though we just did this four years ago and he saved our whole town even though none of us believed him then."

2. Brody shoots at the ocean. With a gun. Standing on the beach. I realize it's intended to show he's gone loony. It... did that poorly.

3. Worse than just being a bad movie, it's just dull and forgettable. Other than the Brody kids, could anyone tell any of the other teenagers apart? Does anyone know who got eaten and who didn't? And you know what's less interesting than a one-hour cat-and-mouse (or man-and-shark) chase that was so much fun in the original? The hero not even seeing the villain until two minutes left in the movie, and then killing him immediately. Even the end credits seemed rushed. He wasn't even through saying "Welp, kids, you're all a bunch of assho--" DIRECTED BY DOUCHEY MCFARTBAG.

And why wasn't there any blood? That was weird. There was tons of it in the first movie. I guess that was the point where they said "no blood in PG movies" and they didn't wanna make it R, so instead you have to watch a shark chase his prey, hear the prey scream, and just sort of pretend something bad happened to them. Terrible.

Moving on, I started Jaws 3 today. So far I like it better than 2, just because it's doing something new and ridiculous, instead of trying to make us think this is actually part of the Jaws storyline. And you can point and laugh at everyone involved, instead of feeling sorry for them that they got roped into the pointless sack of shit which was Jaws 2.

("Dennis Quaid! Baaahahahaa.") Like that.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Is Jaws 3 and Jaws 3D the same thing?

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(Updated for ICJ: Yes, 3 and 3-D are the same. Which doesn't do it any favors when watching the 2-D version, because it's laughably obvious which scenes were supposed to be in 3-D. Just move your head back and forth toward the monitor during those scenes, maybe that helps.)

Alright, Jaws 3 is a terrible movie, but is significantly better than 2. It has distinguishable, likable characters, unlike the parade of sad, replaceable pawns from 2, and it attempts at least a tiny bit of creativity, with it's pre-Jurassic Park take on ancient predators invading theme parks. Some of the first hour I actually, un-ironically enjoyed watching.

The last 20 minutes, as the shark business is wrapped up, undo almost all of that good will, and are the dumbest, worst minutes of film I've ever seen from a movie that Flack didn't already start a thread for on this BBS.

Better than 2, that's my review of 3.

Dennis Quaid! Baaahahahaha.

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Quick thoughts, 15 minutes into Jaws 4:

1. Mike and Shaun Brody have been played by eight different people over four movies. It is because of this I didn't realize that was Shaun that died at the beginning.

2. This is the worst movie of all time.

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This is CO's problem, I think. After pummeling myself with this garbage for 24 hours, even I am starting to assume that everything associated with the word "Jaws" is a grade-D-minus pile of horseshit. I think it got all jumbled up in his brain and he is not recalling things correctly.

[Flack]

1. Flack is right to point out the absurdity of them giving Brody shit for thinking there's a shark... and firing him!. "We gotta get rid of this lunatic that thinks there's a shark out there, even though we just did this four years ago and he saved our whole town even though none of us believed him then."

I always wanted the widow from the first film to walk by and give him a nod. Just a little, "well, I believe you."

2. Brody shoots at the ocean. With a gun. Standing on the beach. I realize it's intended to show he's gone loony. It... did that poorly.

Yeah, the thing I didn't like about this is that in the first movie, he shot Jaws multiple times. I'm pretty sure he fired his revolver at Jaws in the first film, although they may be running together at this point, but he definitely shot the shark in the face multiple times with the rifle during the climax with no obvious results (not to mention the multiple harpoon stabs). So yeah, firing a weapon on a crowded beach over the heads of civilians into the water (which Mythbusters proved wouldn't work) seems like not only an ineffective assault, but a bad career move.

3. Worse than just being a bad movie, it's just dull and forgettable. Other than the Brody kids, could anyone tell any of the other teenagers apart? Does anyone know who got eaten and who didn't? And you know what's less interesting than a one-hour cat-and-mouse (or man-and-shark) chase that was so much fun in the original? The hero not even seeing the villain until two minutes left in the movie, and then killing him immediately. Even the end credits seemed rushed. He wasn't even through saying "Welp, kids, you're all a bunch of assho--" DIRECTED BY DOUCHEY MCFARTBAG.

And again, are we supposed to believe those kids would willingly go back into that ocean???

[Flack]

(Updated for ICJ: Yes, 3 and 3-D are the same. Which doesn't do it any favors when watching the 2-D version, because it's laughably obvious which scenes were supposed to be in 3-D. Just move your head back and forth toward the monitor during those scenes, maybe that helps.)

You know as much about it as I do at this point, but IMDB trivia says that they didn't have a lot of those moments in the original cut and Universal saw the original cut and said "nope go back and 3D that bad boy up." In their defense, nobody went to 3D movies in the 1980s hoping for subtle yet beautiful effects. It was all, shark jumping out of the screen and machete coming out to stabby-stab.

Alright, Jaws 3 is a terrible movie, but is significantly better than 2. It has distinguishable, likable characters, unlike the parade of sad, replaceable pawns from 2, and it attempts at least a tiny bit of creativity, with it's pre-Jurassic Park take on ancient predators invading theme parks. Some of the first hour I actually, un-ironically enjoyed watching.

The minute I saw "The Meg" I was like, "this is Jaws 3D, but with a budget!" And in part 2 I was like, who on earth could lure Brody's kids back into the water? But then in number three we learn it's Lea Thompson in a bathing suit, and I can buy that.

The last 20 minutes, as the shark business is wrapped up, undo almost all of that good will, and are the dumbest, worst minutes of film I've ever seen from a movie that Flack didn't already start a thread for on this BBS.

The whole "let us shoot it and recording it and the ratings will go crazy!" sure seemed like science fiction back in 1982, eh?

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You know as much about it as I do at this point

I can guarantee without question that I know more about Jaws 1 than you, and you know way, way more about any of the sequels than I know about all of them put together.

"nope go back and 3D that bad boy up." In their defense, nobody went to 3D movies in the 1980s hoping for subtle yet beautiful effects. It was all, shark jumping out of the screen and machete coming out to stabby-stab.

Anyone who didn't think of this after watching that movie never saw this.

The minute I saw "The Meg" I was like, "this is Jaws 3D, but with a budget!"

I will watch The Meg now, just out of a sense of completion, and so whenever the monster makes a noise, I can say "shut up, Meg." and do my little Peter Griffin laugh. My wife is not looking forward to this.

But then in number three we learn it's Lea Thompson in a bathing suit, and I can buy that.

Oh man. It feels weird getting a boner from a 35 year old movie, but here we are.

[Flack]

BTW, Christmas is just around the corner...

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JAWS 4
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We made it! There's no more of these, right? Oh please let there be no more of these.

All of the sequels are varying levels of awful, but I'll tell you something, I'd rather watch this one again than the others. Mainly because the photography of (at least what's meant to be) the Bahamas and some of the shots of boats and planes are quite pretty. I mean, unless it was some sort of trickery, someone had to land that twin-engine plane on the ocean with no landing gear, which I had to rewind to watch again it was so cool.

Also, it absolutely shamefully rips off the original, down to specific scenes, and the entire structure of the thing, so at the end, instead of Brody, Hooper and Quint on a boat, you've got Brody, Brody, Mario Van Peebles and Michael Caine on a boat, which is really really bad, but when you spent the rest of your day watching the other sequels, it's nice to see a few characters that you can root for on a boat hunting the big shark. Like an old pair of shoes which used to be great, but now stink all to high hell, but they still, barely, fit.

It's awful. But it's the least awful of the sequels, which I know nobody else agrees with, and it's fine. It's like arguing over which fart smells worse. Everyone is correct.

I will say that in addition to rewinding the plane-landing-on-water scene because of how cool it was, I also had to rewind the climactic scene because I thought I missed something. Apparently something happens? The boat runs into the shark or something? And then it ends? Or something? It's so terribly edited together that there's no way anyone walking out of the movie for the first time could tell you what happened. But they wouldn't tell you even if they could. Because you would never ask. Because this is all terrible.

I can't believe how bad these three movies are. I mean, everyone's gotta eat, so I understand them slapping the "Jaws" brand on a few crappy flicks to make some money, which I'm guessing these all did.

Ultimately, in my opinion, the issue is twofold:

1. I mean, they just got whoever they could to run the camera and film enough crap where they could sell tickets. Nobody was interested in art, just cashing in. I get it.

2. This is a story you can only tell once. Chrissie Watkins getting yanked down by an unknown predator the first time was shocking, amazing, and great. After the seventeenth Chrissie goes down, who gives a crap. You would have had to do something else with the story to make it interesting, not just set up more scenarios for more Chrissies to go down. But nobody was going to do that, because everyone's gotta eat.

I'm glad I made it through. I was afraid my memory had jumbled stuff up, and Jaws was just the best in a series of four dopey shark movies. No, there are three really, really bad movies with "Jaws" in the name, and there's Jaws, and that's it.

I consider the matter closed.

[Flack]

Well, in 1995 they released a movie called "Cruel Jaws," which was (unofficially?) released as "Jaws 5" in some foreign markets, but I feel like you've had enough punishment for one weekend.

Unless, you know...