Bigfoot Wars (2014)

[Flack]

Bigfoot Wars opens with the mayor of Boggy Creek having sex with a prostitute. When they are finished the prostitute demands payment, but the mayor insists on taking a dump first. While he is sitting on the toilet. Bigfoot smashes the window and rips the mayor's throat open. The prostitute, in only her underwear, runs outside and is promptly abducted.

Cut to a Tahoe full of six teenagers, awkwardly reciting lines like "don't light that joint, we just passed a five-oh back there" and "don't be such a perma-bitch, Ashley." After a three-on-two game of volleyball (perma-bitch Ashley decided to tan instead), Bigfoot sneaks up and kills everybody.

Later that day, the sheriff's daughter goes to the local drive-in with her boyfriend. Bigfoot shows up at the drive-in, pulls the boyfriend out of the car and stomps on his head. Magically, no one else at the drive-in notices. Bigfoot then drags the sheriff's daughter off into the woods, and a guy standing at the food truck drops his corn dog.

The sheriff meets with the local doctor, who is played by Judd Nelson. The doctor explains the difference between bear wounds and Bigfoot wounds to the sheriff. The missing prostitute shows back up at the hospital and the doctor notices she's pregnant, even though we don't learn this yet.

The sheriff and his deputy meet up with Zeke, played by C. Thomas Howell. Zeke is a vet, survivalist type of character who mumbles and whispers so much that he has multiple two-minute-long speeches where you literally can't make out a single word. One of them is a long speech in which he explains the entire plot of the movie. Eventually what I figured out is that all the female Bigfoot died, so now all the male Bigfoot are abducting human woman and impregnating them.

When a news reporter and her cameraman go out into the woods to break the story, the stumble upon the Dixieland Mafioso, who have booby-trapped the forest. The camera man steps on a land mine and is blown to bits. The sheriff and deputy rescue the reporter, but the deputy is quickly impaled by Bigfoot's spear. A few minutes later they become caught in Bigfoot's lair, but Zeke blows his way out with some dynamite.

At some point Zeke kills one of the Bigfoot, cuts its head off, and carries it around like it's Medusa's head and he's Perseus in Clash of the Titans.

In an open field, the sheriff and Zeke make one last stand against six approaching Bigfoot. They fire their pistols, rifles, and even a rocket launcher, but when all their ammunition runs out, the two of them grab their most reliable weapons: a machete and a sledgehammer.

FIVE STARS

[AArdvark]

Please, oh please tell me there was beef jerky involved in this....movie.


THE
NOW I HAVE TO
WATCH IT
AARDVARK

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

/scribbling down notes in case I ever make a sequel

That's the good shit right there, fellas.

[Flack]

No beef jerky, although Bigfoot did jerky the arms off of one of the girls so that's close.

I did some research. Apparently the plural of Bigfoot and Sasquatch is Bigfoot and Sasquatch. Not Bigfoots or Bigfeet. I never knew.

I searched C. Thomas Howell's Twitter feed for any reference to Bigfoot Wars and found the following two:

Tommy recommends not buying #BigfootWars – sorry to anybody who purchased in advance. Post production problems, he’s heard.

And --

Tommy sends his apologies – #BigfootWars had post production issues. He hasn’t seen it yet but has heard bad things about how it came out.

So... SIX STARS

[Flack]

My buddy Jeff came over last night. We drank some beer and some CR and watched this as part of a double feature.

SEVEN STARS.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

It does seem like it might hold up to repeated viewings.

I now live in a forest and should have the Internet enabled tomorrow. I will be pointing cameras out into the wilderness, where I hope we get proper footage of Big Foot in my home state once and for all.