Ben's Workplace Hot Sauce Collection

Funny threads throughout the site's history.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sat Dec 09, 2006 4:19 pm

pinback wrote:Yeah, it's a killer.

But, onward and upward. The next one is Sudden Death.
No! NOOO! If you MENTION THE NAME my poor memory will have me getting that one next. What have you wrought?

What have YOU WROUGHT?
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Post by pinback » Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:57 pm

You're climbing the ladder, Monty. Of all the things I've ever admired you for (and there's been up to, but probably not including 4 of those), this is at the top of the list.

Sudden Death will be the plateau that you make camp at and rest for a while, savoring your victory. (While jumping around hyperventilating and sneezing and praying for death.)
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:22 am

pinback wrote:You're climbing the ladder, Monty. Of all the things I've ever admired you for (and there's been up to, but probably not including 4 of those), this is at the top of the list.

Sudden Death will be the plateau that you make camp at and rest for a while, savoring your victory. (While jumping around hyperventilating and sneezing and praying for death.)
Maybe it was a mistake that I ordered it... but it is not a mistake that I tried it.

It literally felt like there was fire in my mouth.

But you know what? It's like exercise. Let's be honest: unless you're playing a sport it sucks. It sucks mouthballs. But afterwards, that ... "glow" you get is fantastic. I quite like it.

Same thing with this After Death poison. After I let the drool form on my tongue and in my mouth and after I let my body heal from the fire it thought I swallowed... I felt great. Humbled. I wanted more. I wanted to taste more of it.

I had forgotten the fact that I hiccuped worse than ever before in my life. (What causes that, anyway? Spicy food makes me hiccup really badly.) I'm glad I forgot it. Ha!

I just want the sensation of After Death sauce... again!

But seriously, there's no way it's legal to sell stuff hotter than that. I mean, come on. This is a practical joke you guys play on the rest of us, isn't it?
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Post by Jack Straw » Fri Dec 15, 2006 11:59 pm

Ben. I've been meaning to turn you on to this sauce.

Image

We are lucky enough to be blessed with Wegmans carrying it - for $1.99 a bottle. It is freakin AMAZING - it's almost sweet, you can definitely taste the pineapple. It's chunky and my absolute favorite sauce for pizza right now. In fact, it's getting to the point where I can't eat pizza without it anymore.

Truly awesome stuff. Not ridiculously hot but I think it's the hottest sauce "tropical pepper co" makes. If you can find it, do it up. It makes frozen pizza better than Pontillos.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Tue Dec 26, 2006 12:34 am

Okay, listen up. I fucked up. I fucked Galvatron up the ass here. LITERALLY.

I leap-frogged ... wait, that sounds like shit. I lept-frog (fuck me oh yeah) over a level of After Death sauce and I was not made aware of this, like at all.

Bitchingly, I was made aware that there are levels to all this by my lady friend, who got me the Blair's Sauce that I meant to order originally. I'm going to go ahead and call that the "Top Tits Hot Sauce" because I can't remember the true name. (Original? Could be.)

There is fuckingly apparently a [ i ] ... let's get that really into hot gear with a little bold-on-bold action ... apparently a human-fucking-up middle version that I didn't even know about, and my lady friend ordered that for me, for Christmas, too.

Hot shit! Holy shit!

So we'll have three sauces in the fridge in just a bit. The sweet manly nectar of Blair's Top Tits Sauce. The biting social commentary of Blair's Nightmare Middle Sauce. And then the fire liquid I bought before.

This Christmas is shaping up to be the swearingest hot sauce Christmas of them all! Thank Christ I still practice!
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Post by pinback » Tue Dec 26, 2006 10:02 am

I don't know what you're talking about. Blair sauces, in heat order, go like this:

Sweet Death
Jalapeno Death
Original Death
After Death
Sudden Death
Mega Death
Jersey Death

What are you talking about?
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:24 pm

I must consult with my sources and, like 9/11/01, find the REAL truth before reporting back.
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:24 pm

(My earlier post that may have been nonsense is playing the part of "My Pet Goat.")
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Post by Vitriola » Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:37 pm

pinback wrote:I
Original Death
After Death
Sudden Death
Mega Death
Jersey Death
It was earlier in this thread when Robb was talking about After Death. You said he'd messed up, because he meant to buy Original Death. Your next sentence stood alone and was something like 'the next one is Sudden Death', which I took to mean it was BEFORE After Death and AFTER Original Death. But you meant it was AFTER After Death. I do rather understand why I made that connection. The other is insane.

Crap, will we have something even hotter than After Death in there? That explains why it didn't arrive in time for Christmas, as there is probably a smoking wreck of twisted shards that was the delivery van conveniently buried by a snowbank along I-70.

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Post by pinback » Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:43 pm

Oooh. My apologies for the confusion. Yes, it goes, Original, which is edible, After, which is generally inedible, then Sudden, which is almost entirely inedible.

Mega and Jersey head way up the scale after that, and they're totally inedible, and to be used only as an additive.
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Tue Dec 26, 2006 2:53 pm

Also, there was that one brand of hot sauce by Steve Cash. We went to breakfast at "le Peep" a while ago and had a chance to try some of his stuff. Ben, that sauce is GOOD! Amazed, impressed... got to buy some, someday.
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Post by pinback » Tue Dec 26, 2006 3:39 pm

Danny. Danny Cash.
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Post by pinback » Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:47 pm

BTW, I've done an about-face on all extract-based sauces. Not pure extracts, mind you, as I still think they have some merit. But sauces advertising themselves as edible, extremely hot sauces, because they have extract in them.

Let's face it. Extract tastes like butt, and there are natural sauces (Fatalii Fire, Talon, by Cajohn's, for instance) which are just as brutally hot -- somehow moreso, in my opinion, even though it doesn't feel like it at first) as the extract sauces, but with real flavor, and less butt-taste.

So, that's it. Throw out all your Blair's, except for Blair's Original, which is non-extract.

EXTRACT-FREE IN 2007 <- new slogan
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

Vitriola

Post by Vitriola » Tue Jan 16, 2007 10:11 pm

I can get onboard with that. I'm feeling up my peeps, to see who I might unload Sudden on inauspiciously. In the regift sense. Jesus, how bad does a gift have to be when you're regifting the gift YOU gave someone else?

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Post by pinback » Wed Jan 17, 2007 1:55 pm

Like, I can see carrying around a little 2 oz bottle of Black Mamba or something, to spruce up a stew or soup that needs a little extra kick? But come on, you can't really use that stuff as a condiment. It's contributing no flavor to any dish except for the unmistakeable stench of BUTT.

Fuck extract, man. FUCK IT HARD AND ANGRILY!
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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