Ben's Workplace Hot Sauce Collection

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Ben's Workplace Hot Sauce Collection

Post by pinback » Fri Sep 15, 2006 7:21 pm

Currently lining my desk at work are 20 different hot SAUCEZ. I will be REVIEWZing these hot sauces in the days ahead. I just want to list them here first for reference, and so I can field requests about certain sauces should the audience desire information.

These are generally in order of heat, from lowest to highest:

Cholula
Marie Sharp's Mild Habanero
Tabasco
Dave's Hurtin' Jalapeno
D'Oni Burning Desire
Pain Is Good Batch #114 (Jamaican Heat)
African Rhino Peri-Peri X-tra Hot
Mango Meltdown X-Treme
99%
Melinda's Red Savina
Marie Sharp's BEWARE Habanero
Pain 100%
Alberta Crude
Mama Africa's Habanero Zulu Sauce
Liquid Lava
Dave's Insanity
Smack My Ass And Call Me Sally: Slap Heard 'Round The World
Possible Side Effects
Da' Bomb: Beyond Insanity
Da' Bomb: Ground Zero
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Sep 15, 2006 8:41 pm

This was an excellent story. What are the labels like on these things? Like, in terms of nutritional info and such?
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Post by pinback » Fri Sep 15, 2006 8:47 pm

Well, just to start off, 99% has exactly 21 1 tsp servings per bottle, and each serving contains exactly one (1) calorie! I know what you're thinking, right? Perfect diet food!

'Cept for one thing, and I don't want to jump the gun too much on the REVIEWZ, but here's a little preview: It sucks! It's by far the worst of my 20 sauces, having a salt content so ridiculously high that it is reminiscent of opening a box of Morton's and pouring it down your throat. Bleah!

99%? More like -99%!

"Hey, that's not nice." - Original Juan Foods, producer of 99%.
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Post by Jack Straw » Fri Sep 15, 2006 9:36 pm

ass in the tub?

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Post by pinback » Fri Sep 15, 2006 9:42 pm

No. Though someone at work said they were gonna get me a bottle of Sir Fartalot's next week. So, you know, that's cool.

And I have two very special sauces on order from internet shoppes, which should arrive within a week or two.

Very exciting.
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Post by Jack Straw » Sat Sep 16, 2006 7:07 am

i as asking if you had tried it. good shit.

cholula is great for eggs and not much else..
redhot just makes everything taste like buffalo wings to me now..
i got a free sample of "Blazin Hot Stuff" in the mail the other day. it's good, at first it tastes like a fairly sweet barbecue sauce then it properly smacks you about the head and face area. would be great on grilled meat i bet.

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Post by Jack Straw » Wed Sep 20, 2006 12:29 pm


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Post by pinback » Wed Sep 20, 2006 2:22 pm

Ah, yes! Well. I have so many different projects going on, that I forget which ones I'm neglecting at any one moment.

I guess this list won't get finished until it gets started, so I'll just pick one to start with.

In fact, let's start with the very hottest of the entire collection:

DA' BOMB: GROUND ZERO

This is the only sauce which does not currently appear on display in Ben's Workplace Hot Sauce Collection, because I instead carry it around with my in my pocket. It never leaves my side. I do this for a few reasons:

1. I like knowing that wherever I go, I can bring the heat.

2. I am afraid some jackball at work is actually going to glob it on a chip, eat the chip, get sent to the hospital, and then sue me or get me fired.

3. I can use it as a self-defense mechanism if I am accosted by some hooligan on the mean streets of Santa Monica.

It claims to rank at 234,000 on the Scoville scale (heat measurement). To give you an idea how hot this is, Tabasco sauce comes in at between 2,500 and 5,000, the original Dave's Insanity Sauce is 51,000.

In other words, it's a little spicy. The ingredients list features such delicate entries as pineapple juice, lime juice, tomato paste, but it is almost pure habanero extract.

For a hot sauce maniac, there is little not to like about this sauce. It has a cool name, the packaging is brilliant (shaped in a dark blue, squat little medicine-bottle looking thing that is easy to carry around and throw at people), and though most extracts have the same taste ("none"), there does appear to be less of the rank bitterness you get from most of the other extract sauces I've tried. It is pure, tongue-shattering heat from start to finish.

If you have a death wish, you can try a drop of this by itself on a chip. The next 15 minutes of your life (and possibly 15 minutes 8 hours from then -- see The Day I Was Almost Killed By Hot Sauce) will not be pleasant.

However, the interesting part is, I've ended up using this sauce more frequently than any other I own. One drop in any bowl of soup or chili livens any bland dish up to a pretty remarkable heat level. Two drops sends the dish into "hardcore" territory. Three drops, which I tried yesterday, brings the dish up to a level just before unpleasantly painful, but never crosses the line. For the true capsaicin addict, it is quite heavenly.

Not for the masses, solely useful as a food additive or for childish pranks, DA' BOMB: GROUND ZERO is a must-have for any lover of hot (very very hot) foods.

I give it FOUR AND A HALF STARS. (****1/2).
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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Post by hygraed » Thu Sep 21, 2006 8:47 pm

I like hot sauce, but I don't think I could handle Ground Zero. It sounds really good, though.

A friend of mine is a fan of this hot sauce that I don't remember the name of. It's something along the lines of "Atomic Death 3000" but that's not quite it. He offers it to unsuspecting fools for laughs. It's incredibly good.

EDIT: It's called "After-Death Sauce."

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Post by pinback » Fri Sep 22, 2006 3:58 pm

Let's shift gears for a moment, and instead of dealing with wonderful hot sauces, deal with one that really sucks:

99%

I read a review of this online saying that it was "a bit over the top on the salt content". These sauces are all loaded with salt, so it wasn't of much concern to me. I'd just bought PAIN 100%, so I just wanted to see if 99% was exactly 1% less hot than that or not.

To be truthful, I can't really remember how hot the sauce is -- I think it's pretty hot, but upon first tasting it, the heat level is pretty far from your mind.

This is because 99% is not "a bit over the top on the salt content". It is way, WAY past acceptable on the salt content. It feels like you're pouring a box of Morton's into your mouth.

Any decent taste is masked by it, as is any compulsion to have a second taste. It even has an ugly, brownish tint to it.

The only saving grace is the compact, convenient mini-flask bottle.

In short, my collection consists of many, many fine, fun, delicious sauces, and one really suck-ass one.

I give 99% ONE HALF STAR (solely for the packaging).
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Post by pinback » Mon Sep 25, 2006 6:34 pm

Well, the deadline's looming here at work, home of Ben's Workplace Hot Sauce Collection, and I've got too much to do and not enough time to do it...

...but there's always time to REVIEWZ a HOT SAUCE!

For this one, we'll deal with a unique item, a relatively expensive item, and the newest addition, all in one!

BLAIR'S 3AM RESERVE

Legend has it that Blair, whoever that is, created Blair's 2AM Reserve as something so ridiculously hot that it would clear out his damn restaurant at 2 AM when he wanted to leave. Apparently it was a big hit, so now he gives us Blair's 3AM, which is theoretically a big step up in already ridiculous heat level, and the last of the "AM" line (currently up to 6 AM) which is still widely available. From 4AM up, they were made in very limited quantities, and a bottle now will cost you hundreds of dollars on e-bay, if you can find them.

A 2 ounce bottle of 3AM runs for about $35-$40. It features:

1. A cool, rounded-pyramid shaped bottle.
2. Three layers of wax over the bottle top (black underneath, red in the middle, bright yellow on top.)
3. Hand-signed in silver Sharpie on one side of the glass.
4. Blair's signature little skull guy encased in the waxy topping.
5. A cheap-ass plastic box with a warning sticker on it.

This product will be fairly unique among my collection, in that I don't actually plan on opening or tasting it. This is because I hear (and it looks obvious) that once you manage to get into it (through a combination of hair-driers, pliers, chisels, icepicks and whatnot), the bottle looks like crap and destroys any collectible value it might have had.

So I can't actually review this sauce. However, it is advertised as being comparable in heat (1,500,000 - 2,000,000 Scovilles) to DA' BOMB, FINAL ANSWER, and is sold in the same size bottle, and appears to have the same consistency, so I'll just review FINAL ANSWER, and you can pretend that Blair's 3AM is the same thing:

At this level of heat, these products genuinely move past being "sauces" and are reclassified as "food additives". As such, their intent also changes. The intent of a sauce is to, itself, provide the most and best flavor to a dish. The intent of additives like these is to impart heat without affecting the flavor of the dish you are heating up. Thus, it's impossible to review these things for their flavor. Their flavor at best is nearly imperceptible, and at worst has that unmistakeably acrid, ass-like whiff of chile extract.

My personal feeling at this point is, the less extract sauce you need to use to attain the same level of heat, the better. Herein lies the true value of these sauces, overpriced as they are: Sure, you're only getting 2 ounces for your 40 bucks, but it'll last for a long, long, long time, and provide more heat than $40 worth of a cheaper sauce.

Theoretically.

Plus, particularly in Final Answer's case, the value of the portability is undeniable. No larger than a small vitamin bottle, you can take it with you anywhere, and with a mere flick of the dropper, brighten up any bland dish to whatever excitement level you want.

Is it worth it, though?

Well, let's look at the numbers. GROUND ZERO is 10 bucks for 4 ounces. FINAL ANSWER is $36 (or thereabouts) for 2 ounces. Simple math would state that for this to be a fair trade, FINAL ANSWER would have to be just over seven times the potency of GROUND ZERO.

They advertise GROUND ZERO at 234,000 Scovilles, and Final Answer at 1,500,000. That sounds like... 6.4 times the heat (if those numbers are to be believed, which requires more than a little faith.)

These numbers indicate that FINAL ANSWER is not quite worth it, compared with GROUND ZERO. But now is the time to admit that a lot of this hot sauce business isn't about flavor or Scovilles or economy, but about coolness factor.

And in that respect, FINAL ANSWER (and by relation Blair's 3AM, though we may never know) kicks all ass over all of 'em.

I give these two products, only one of which I may ever actually put in my mouth, FIVE STARS.
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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Post by pinback » Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:59 pm

Do we like this feature? Should I reviewz more Workplace Hot Sauces?

We here at Ben's Workplace Productions want to hear from you, the audience.
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Post by pinback » Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:17 pm

pinback wrote:My personal feeling at this point is, the less extract sauce you need to use to attain the same level of heat, the better. Herein lies the true value of these sauces, overpriced as they are: Sure, you're only getting 2 ounces for your 40 bucks, but it'll last for a long, long, long time, and provide more heat than $40 worth of a cheaper sauce.
As an addendum to this, I've owned Final Answer for nearly a week now, and feel like I've had it forever. I've carried it around in my pocket almost nonstop, tried it on chips, popcorn, in soups, chili, tex-mex, and tonight overdid it in the hottest fucking Thai curry anyone's ever seen. I feel like I've lived a lifetime with Final Answer. We go way back now. We're old friends.

I just tipped the tiny little 2 ounce brown-tinted bottle with a bright light in the background, and see that I've just now gotten below the neck of the bottle.

I could not use this up in 10 years.

That's a good $36 worth of sauce, friends.
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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Post by ChainGangGuy » Wed Sep 27, 2006 7:26 am

pinback wrote:Do we like this feature? Should I reviewz more Workplace Hot Sauces?

We here at Ben's Workplace Productions want to hear from you, the audience.
Are you serious? I'm super stoked about this feature. I think Jonsey is stoked, too. Like Saints winning Super Bowl XLI stoked.

Can we, the audience, vote for which sauce to test next? Also, will there be colorful pictures?

Thanks to this feature, I will never get anything done at work ever again.

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Post by Jack Straw » Wed Sep 27, 2006 8:11 am

Pinner has obtained acceptance and can now continue the thread!

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Post by pinback » Wed Sep 27, 2006 8:25 am

Jack Straw has nailed it! On we go!
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Post by pinback » Wed Sep 27, 2006 9:12 am

ChainGangGuy wrote:Can we, the audience, vote for which sauce to test next?
Brilliant idea! Any requests, audience??
Also, will there be colorful pictures?
Yes!
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Wed Sep 27, 2006 11:45 am

ChainGangGuy wrote:
pinback wrote:Do we like this feature? Should I reviewz more Workplace Hot Sauces?

We here at Ben's Workplace Productions want to hear from you, the audience.
Are you serious? I'm super stoked about this feature. I think Jonsey is stoked, too. Like Saints winning Super Bowl XLI stoked.

Can we, the audience, vote for which sauce to test next? Also, will there be colorful pictures?

Thanks to this feature, I will never get anything done at work ever again.

Agreed. I want to put these all into a front page "article" later, but if I say I want to do that and get distracted then everyone will think I am an a-hole. But if I say nothing then the author might think I am bored.

I am not bored.

Two big things that I am looking forward to are:

1) The Super Bowl 41 Champion New Orleans Saints
2) More hot sauce reviews.

Ben, I don't eat or drink or use hot sauce, but I am still interested in this thread. Ever onwards!
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by ChainGangGuy » Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:37 pm

My vote goes to: Alberta Crude

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Post by pinback » Wed Sep 27, 2006 1:09 pm

First, I need to update the list with the new editions!

Da' Bomb Final Answer
Blair's 3 A. M. Reserve
Tropical Blaze (Hollywood Beach Salsa Company)
Waha Wera Kiwi & Habanero
Blair's Original Death Sauce
Blair's After Death Sauce
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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