Celebrity Monolauges

Funny threads throughout the site's history.

Moderators: Ice Cream Jonsey, AArdvark

Locked
User avatar
Knuckles the CLown
Posts: 1124
Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 2:46 pm
Location: Shaker Heights, OH

Celebrity Monolauges

Post by Knuckles the CLown » Thu Jan 27, 2005 11:50 pm

I qualify, no?

I happend upon dinner with my brother this week. No he's not a clown so fuck off. Anyhow he dragged me in to a comic book shop at the end of the LARGE MEAL I DID ENJOY. Where did this meal take place? None of your goddamned business, he paid making anything I crammed into me pie hole an absolute treat.

So back to the comic book shop. The "people" working/lounging/getting diabetes there blew my mind. There was a kid with a broken foot, a kid with a broken arm and three adolescents sitting at a table playing a super hero dice game. My question is how did any of these people break a bone? I mean seriously, if you work or hang out a comix shop all day how do sustain injury. Tripping over dice? Stumbling over the new shipment of Green Arrow? My guess is since these bufoons were preteens they probably are faking injuries to avoid Phys Ed.

This bothers me. When growing up I idolized people like Brian Sipe, Mike Hargrove and Larry Nance. In order to be like them I worked out and tried to to be an athlete. These losers idolize comic book characters so shouldn't they take an interest in fitness? No they hang around reading about more characters and hoping an atom bomb goes off while they are playing with insects. BEETLE BOY! MILLER MOTH GIRL! SUPER SCABIES! THE INCREDIBLE UNCANNY AND SPECTACULAR MEAL WORM-PERSON!

These kids need the cold hard truth about nuclear accidents.

1. For one they will be rendered sterile, a plus. If these kids find someone to reproduce with we will have a civilization of llimp-wristed noodle brained bath room attendants.

2. Nuclear power does not make geeky nerds into superheroes. Lots and lots of steroids make this possible. Imagine an army of Barry Bonds swinging sweet justice thrpugh super power Iraq.

3. Nuclear power makes people uncomfortable. All nuclear power has acomplished is birth defects, cancer and the death of 100,000 future game cube players. People are leery.

4. Finaly in this earth, nuclear power can only make super villians and not super-heroes.
the last group complained, quite tellingly They said, "Why don't you have a spoon that just says 'Earth?' It would save time

chris
Posts: 604
Joined: Wed May 01, 2002 10:54 am
Location: Hiding in the workshop

Re: Celebrity Monolauges

Post by chris » Fri Jan 28, 2005 8:30 am

Knuckles the CLown wrote:So back to the comic book shop. The "people" working/lounging/getting diabetes there blew my mind. There was a kid with a broken foot, a kid with a broken arm and three adolescents sitting at a table playing a super hero dice game. My question is how did any of these people break a bone? I mean seriously, if you work or hang out a comix shop all day how do sustain injury.
Their bones have the consistancy of wet cardboard because:

1) They're losers who eat at McDonalds and Taco Bell all the time because their "job" at the store only pays enough to eat the cheapest, crappiest food available. This explains them being overweight, diabetic, and the lack of calcium in their diets.

2) The only drink caffeinated beverages so they can stay up all night for their big "Worlds of Warcraft" tournaments. Caffeine sucks calcium out of their bones.

3) They sit and play games all day, so their muscles atrophy to an astonishing level. When the UPS guy delivers the latest bundle of "She-Ra" comics, the geeks try to impress the girls across the street at the nail salon (who are outside for a smoke) by lifting up the ~50 pound bundle onto their shoulder, and SNAP GO THE BONES.

(Well, it's either that or some Republicans came into the store and beat 'em up with lead pipes/pillowcases full of doorknobs.)

User avatar
Ice Cream Jonsey
Posts: 21943
Joined: Sat Apr 27, 2002 2:44 pm
Location: Colorado
Contact:

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Fri Jan 28, 2005 10:05 am

I was at the comic store the other week, and apparently the guy who owns it and all his employees were off. The kids playing HeroClix were running the place.

One of them asked me if I needed any help. I did, sort of. I was looking for... OK, one sec.

This is why it's embarassing to be someone who buys comics. Right here. Not because some comic fans don't bathe but because of what the companies do to us.

Marvel noticed that issues marked #1 sell more than, say, issue #508. So they are constantly killing off and rebooting their titles. At one point they reset all their comics to #1 and then, when the realized that issue #500 was coming up if they hadn't reset the numbering, they put the numbers back to where they were and planned a big event for #500. Whatever, they can call them whatever they want, it's so fucked up now that trying to order back issues isn't worth it.

OK, so they rebooted "Avengers." And I am getting to the embarassing part. They didn't just call it "Avengers #1," no... they called it "NEW AVENGERS." Jesus Christ. Say it outloud. Say, "I am looking for NEW AVENGERS #2" outloud. Fucking assholes.

So I tell the kid, "Yeah, I'm looking for..." well, the above, and the kid bursts out of his chair and shows me where it is.

That was the BEST customer service I've ever received in any store, ever, and it was done by a nine-year-old moving his Mysterio doll around a "challenge" square. A part of me wishes that he amounts to little in this world and ends up working in that store just so I can find my (embarassing) shit each month quickly and easily.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

Worm
Posts: 3626
Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2002 12:53 am
Location: tucked away between the folds of your momma, safe

Post by Worm » Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:01 pm

The real solution here: Superheros who get their powers from lead poisoning.
Good point Bobby!

Locked