Guess This Chick's Problem.

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Guess This Chick's Problem.

Post by pinback » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:21 pm

Okay, so get this. I go on Craig's List and put a notice up there that I'm looking for people (preferably women) to join me at the Reef, a local piano bar which the sysop and his girlfriend here hate more than Hitler would hate Sammy Davis Jr.

I get a response. Since said response, I've carried on a rather rapid-fire, and highly in-depth conversation with her over email. Here is what we have learned thusfar:

1. Moved from Germany in 1996.
2. Name is "Anja", pronounced "Ahn-ya".
3. Hobbies include "running, hiking, snowboarding".
4. Is a fellow pilot.
5. Used to work as a flight attendant for Northwest Airlines.
6. Enjoys beer and burgers.
7. Is 31 years old.

If you're following me this far, you're thinking that someone, as a gag, replied to my message and concocted what I would fairly draw up as my perfect woman. Pilot? Likes beer? Wants to go to the Reef? Has a name like "Anja"? Old enough to not be a complete idiot? Perfect, right?

One thing we haven't seen, though, is a picture.

So, since we all know that Pinback don't have this kind of luck, let's go ahead and play:

GUESS THIS CHICK'S PROBLEM...

I'll get you started with the main ones:

Problem #1: Fatter than a walrus who just ate another walrus?
(Argument against: "Hiking, biking, and flight attendant.")

Problem #2: Uglier than Bea Arthur dipped in yak diarrhea?

Problem #3: Is actually one of you people trying to fuck with me?

Problem #4: Is a transgender whose name used to be "Hans"?

Problem #5: Is actually a group of people huddled over a computer trying to fuck with me?

That oughta get you started. At some point, we WILL get an answer to this question, most likely within the next two weeks. I'll get back to you, and whoever comes closest will win a SPECIAL PRIZE!!!

Good luck, all!
Last edited by pinback on Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by pinback » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:24 pm

24,000th post on JC! FUCK ALL Y'ALL!!!!!!
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Post by Lysander » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:29 pm

Doesn't seem fair. You've got five.

Here, how about this: you can take the ugly one, I can take the one about it being a bunch of people, Worm or ICJ can pick the "must be a JCer" theory, and Knuckles the CloWn can pick the transgender guess. And Bruec can pick the guess of her being fat, because Bruec always loses. Wait, maybe Danza should take the one aobut it being a bunch of people, and my guess is that it's actually a guy. Even though if she's going to meet oyu at the bar it's pretty unlikely. And Adam can make the guess that she's a hopelessly messed-up cokehead. Excellent. Excellent.
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Post by pinback » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:30 pm

No, I don't get to vote. I was just offering some alternatives for the rest of you to pick.

Though, if I were to vote, I would pick the "ugly" one. Again, though, flight attendant. I know stewardesses ain't what they used to be, but still, it's rare you see a completely grotesque one.
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Post by pinback » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:34 pm

Oh, and there's always: IS the money, but is married and is just looking for new buddies to hang with. I don't think it's this, though, because she said that she "couldn't get her friends to go [to the Reef]".

I know how she feels.
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Post by bruce » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:55 pm

And is it really a problem if she's transgendered? I mean, if she doesn't have a dick <i>now</i>, do you really care?

Look at the advantages:
1) understands all about liking beer and blowjobs
2) unlikely to rag on you about emotional problems, on acount of pot, kettle, black, etc.
3) will totally understand that you can't engage in emotional intimacy until after Tiger Woods has finished his goddamn round of golf, thankyouverymuch
4) you're not going to knock her up

So I guess you know which one <i>I'm</i> picking.

Bruce

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Post by pinback » Wed Oct 20, 2004 11:01 pm

Depends on the quality of the vaginoplasty. If they just use the scrotal skin for the inner folds, it can get rough in there.
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Post by bruce » Wed Oct 20, 2004 11:11 pm

pinback wrote:Depends on the quality of the vaginoplasty. If they just use the scrotal skin for the inner folds, it can get rough in there.
Well, shit, just line it with a Ziploc.

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Post by itgirl » Thu Oct 21, 2004 7:39 am

bruce wrote:And is it really a problem if she's transgendered? I mean, if she doesn't have a dick <i>now</i>, do you really care?

Look at the advantages:
1) understands all about liking beer and blowjobs
2) unlikely to rag on you about emotional problems, on acount of pot, kettle, black, etc.
3) will totally understand that you can't engage in emotional intimacy until after Tiger Woods has finished his goddamn round of golf, thankyouverymuch
4) you're not going to knock her up
You forgot
5)won't care if you can't find her clit if it's shoved in your mouth, because s/he doesn't have the necessary nerves to get off that way anyway.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:30 am

pinback wrote:Depends on the quality of the vaginoplasty. If they just use the scrotal skin for the inner folds, it can get rough in there.
This is the worst post I have ever encountered, in all my life on the net.

"Vaginoplasty" -- JESUS CHRIST
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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:08 am

Today's news:

1. She owns a snake.

How does that change things? A German owning a snake? Now it's *definitely* a guy, right?
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Post by bruce » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:42 am

pinback wrote:Today's news:

1. She owns a snake.

How does that change things? A German owning a snake? Now it's *definitely* a guy, right?
Ja, das ist meiner Schlange!

Yeah, "snake" in German is "Schlange."

You do the math.

On the other hand, it sounds like a pretty cool guy. Maybe it'd be worth taking a pair of balls upside the chin? Or <i>you</i> could be the cocktease that meets <s>her</s>him at the bar and then, once you've ascertained that the Schlange wants to meet you, doesn't put out.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:53 am

It depends: is the snake in her pants?
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:55 am

Here's a question that helps determine whether someone is male or female. I forgot where I read this, and it worked a lot better a couple weeks ago.

Ask it this:

Q: "Why didn't Superman save the planes on 9/11?"
A: Because he's in a fucking wheelchair.

OK, granted this doesn't work any more because Christopher Reeve died. But the theory I read (maybe it was in FHM or something) is that women do not find that funny and men do.

In fact, maybe some of the women here DO find it funny, in which case nevermind. But still. Let's play the percentages.

Ask your Craiglist Girlfriend that riddle. Please.

Also, how did the house warming go last night?
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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:58 am

That's good, Jonsey. Now go find all of bruce's other jokes, and write the exact same joke after them too!
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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:59 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Also, how did the house warming go last night?
Why are you so angry?
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Oct 21, 2004 11:45 am

pinback wrote:That's good, Jonsey. Now go find all of bruce's other jokes, and write the exact same joke after them too!
He didn't ask you if the snake was in -- he DIDN'T ask you that.

I have no idea what you're talking about, in terms of being "angry," either. How did it go?
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Post by bruce » Thu Oct 21, 2004 12:00 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:He didn't ask you if the snake was in -- he DIDN'T ask you that.
Maybe I was being a little too elliptical there, not, you know, <i>connecting the dots</i> enough for the slower students.

ICJ: see, the point of my post was to inform the readership that "snake," in German, is "Schlange," which is, you know, probably the word from which (almost certainly by way of Yiddish) the word "schlong," which means "penis," which is (we hope) kept in the pants, is derived.

Next week: fractions!

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Post by pinback » Thu Oct 21, 2004 12:02 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I have no idea what you're talking about, in terms of being "angry,"
Your need to characterize everything as a "house-sitting" or a "house-warming". Hostile.
How did it go?
It went fine. She cooked Kheema Matar, I ate some of it, she asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I declined, then I left. WOW.
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Oct 21, 2004 12:14 pm

bruce wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:He didn't ask you if the snake was in -- he DIDN'T ask you that.
Maybe I was being a little too elliptical there, not, you know, <i>connecting the dots</i> enough for the slower students.

ICJ: see, the point of my post was to inform the readership that "snake," in German, is "Schlange," which is, you know, probably the word from which (almost certainly by way of Yiddish) the word "schlong," which means "penis," which is (we hope) kept in the pants, is derived.
Wait... you posted?
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