Hittage Odds

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Vitriola

Hittage Odds

Post by Vitriola » Wed Aug 20, 2003 11:44 pm

So, after being invited, along with my 2 roommates, over the Hot Wiccan Redhead's apartment, I have an equation on my hands which I hope someone will help me with before I have to boot up Excel. What are the odds that I'll hit this bitch?
Consider:

1) I refer to her as bitch. That never gets anyone laid.

2) She showed me pictures of naked women all night. She has Boris Vallejo and Royo books, and we perused them together whilst discussing the merits of each.

3) She likes Dryads. I feel I am not etherial enough for this chick.

4) She did almost kick my ass at pool, however.

5) She listens to New Age. I might not be able to withhold the lack of enthusiasm for this.

6) She also listens to metal.

7) Her decor includes all of the following: A skeleton, a ceramic skull, bat lights, candles, red spiderweb Christmas lights, feathers, brooms, and sigils of some sort. Mine includes naked anime chicks, wildlife art, and a palm tree lamp.

8) She does have a cat. I have 3. I win the cat battle.

9) Who the fuck wants a chick with 3 cats?

10) She did offer to give me a ride to Vegas next weekend for the LV metalfest.

11) If I have to go to Vegas again without getting any, I might eschew Nevada altogether.

11) Although it is pretty much my fault that I didn't get any last time.

12) My degree of relationship availability at this time might require another equation of it's own.

13) BUT!!! She would be on The List. You know, that List. She's right in between Angelina Jolie and Jim Carrey in the Riddler outfit. Says so right there. Hot Wiccan Redhead (HWR). Not as high as Jessica Biel, tho. Or Aragorn.

14) She kinda flipped when I told her I was 29. I don't know if that's in a good or bad way. She's 22.

Calculate the odds, and show your work. Extra credit for phrasing your answer in terms of rage, anger, and how much you believe that nachos are the perfect food.

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Re: Hittage Odds

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Aug 21, 2003 1:21 am

Rather than sit in my high-rise penthouse office of content and watch this thing flail and plummet to its unfortunate and grisly death, I thought that the least I could do is order up one of the office concierges to pick up a "Dr. Hyrunngkle" from outside, resulting in the concierge to enthusiastically search for a non-existent person and, likely, stop the fall of this thread with the sacrifice of their own body.

As sort of a bonus, I will be inserting into this post a sort of "impression" of every single message & IM I will be getting once I hop on the Internet tomorrow. Jonsey Instant Messenger Fever! Catch it!

1) I refer to her as bitch. That never gets anyone laid.
My instinct is to object. I have found that the only way I have ever managed to trick a woman (read: girl) to laying down with me for any time at all is to lay it on thick with the whole bitch-slut-whore-princess pattern of pet names. It goes like this:

Code: Select all

ICJ> Bitch!
Girl X> o 0 O (Er, yes! Yes, I really am! Ha-ha! I am catty!)

ICJ> Take that, slut!
Girl X> o 0 O (Um... OK! Yes! If daddy could see me now!)

ICJ> You god damned whore!
Girl X> o 0 O (Hey, who the fuck does this asshole think he is? I'm goin--)

ICJ> You really are a treasure, a princess, you know that?
Girl X> o 0 O (Awww. What a sweet guy. I am going to find more mascara for him.)
The thing I am forgetting though is that, after piecing together some of the finer, subtler details of your narrative, you're trying to totally hop up and down on some poor girl yourself. The last thing you lot need is to start one-upping each other on the "bitch count."

ODDS: 3:1 AGAINST

2) She showed me pictures of naked women all night. She has Boris Vallejo and Royo books, and we perused them together whilst discussing the merits of each.
You don't say? Vallejo: some kind of lesbian equivalent to a guy just "accidentally" pulling out a stack of anal fisting tapes? Oh, right, right, anal fisting with butterflies, unicorns and centaurs, natch. You'd never accept this sort of tactic by anyone with testes, by the way.

ODDS: 2.5:1 AGAINST

3) She likes Dryads. I feel I am not etherial enough for this chick.
I really don't have anything here, other than to state that each guy who ever started to date a dryad and then got dumped went through the same thought process.

"Hey, WTF? Fucking bitch. Dump me, will she? Fuck that. Fuck THAT. Who does she think she ... is...? Goddamn hippie tree hugging cunt... hey... I know what I'll do... I'll chop down that fucking tree of hers... Yeah! That's it! Where did I place my axe?"

Chopping down the dryad's soultree is the "I'm posting naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend to the Internet" of the 13th Century. Then there's the guy who reacts in the same way that Left-Eye Lopez did when she got dumped by Andre Rison: there'll be a desire to burn the whole forest down. This sort of weakness is how certain species get to be classified as "myths."

ODDS: 2.5:1 AGAINST (no change for her impression of you, but my odds had better have fuck well improved, seeing how I am the only guy you know currently riffing on fucking Dungeons and Dragons comedy bits over the net for three straight paragraphs like this was Ye Olde Def Jamme Comedy Hour.)

4) She did almost kick my ass at pool, however.
Good for you, but less so for her. You have proven to be weak in competition. But there is that "almost" out there, dangling away, hoping to add depth to a... ah, no. You're playing the role of the "alpha male" in this scenario and as one myself I feel that I know what's going on here. Yeah, she "almost" kicked your ass. And I "almost" had you and Pinner on the ropes for much of those billiards games that I engaged in.

ODDS: 4:1 AGAINST (no-one likes a pushover)

5) She listens to New Age. I might not be able to withhold the lack of enthusiasm for this.
On the other hand, listening to New Age means you're loose. Morally speaking, I mean. Otherwise you'd be listening to uplifting Christian Rock.

ODDS: EVEN

6) She also listens to metal.
Well, we've pretty much seen how tough to "win over" metal chyx are as of late, haven't we V?

ODDS: 1:4 IN FAVOR

7) Her decor includes all of the following: A skeleton, a ceramic skull, bat lights, candles, red spiderweb Christmas lights, feathers, brooms, and sigils of some sort. Mine includes naked anime chicks, wildlife art, and a palm tree lamp.
I've got nothing here, as you two are obviously gay for each other, so I thought I would ask everyone on my contact list what they had up on their walls.

JQW (12:02:38 AM): What? OK. I have up ten "rally" posters, a few Evil Dead ones, this one painting from this cunt friend of Cathy's (ho ho ho) and a discoloration where the dog pissed. By the way, not that you asked, but here's my advice abou--

Roody_Yogurt (12:03:18 AM): I've got that 'Sharing MP3s is like Downloading Communism' poster up. And a five foot by eight foot depiction of Lenin's tomb. By the way, about you and --

SouffleofPain (12:05:01 AM): Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

K_Colville (12:05:57 AM): The blood of my enemies. Kidding. Nothing. Say, is this the same one from colle-

pinback (12:07:34 AM): RU--


ODDS: 1:6 IN FAVOR

8) She does have a cat. I have 3. I win the cat battle.
...

ODDS: 4:1 AGAINST

9) Who the fuck wants a chick with 3 cats?
ODDS: <strike>4</strike> 6:1 AGAINST

10) She did offer to give me a ride to Vega$ (and I should state that what happens in Vega$ stays in Vega$) next weekend for the LV metalfest.
I think we can all agree than an invite out to the desert is pretty much an implied guarantee that the seXX0rs is going to be taking place.

ODDS: 2:1 AGAINST

11) If I have to go to Vega$ (and I should state that what happens in Vega$ stays in Vega$) again without getting any, I might eschew Nevada altogether.
11) Although it is pretty much my fault that I didn't get any last time.
Ah, two elevens. You'll be docked for your inability to do math.

What's that I hear you saying?

"What in the fuck ever. You're the same guy who actually said, and I quote, 'You'll find the only thing different about Millipede when compared to Centipede is that I will beat your score by a factor of 100.'" That's true, but we're not trying to do odds for *me*, are we?


ODDS: 5:1 AGAINST

12) My degree of relationship availability at this time might require another equation of it's own.
Yeah. How bout that anyway? I think the kids would get a kick out of that.

ODDS: 4:1 AGAINST

13) BUT!!! She would be on The List. You know, that List. She's right in between Angelina Jolie and Jim Carrey in the Riddler outfit. Says so right there. Hot Wiccan Redhead (HWR). Not as high as Jessica Biel, tho. Or Aragorn.
How does this interest her? You're only coming off as desperate here.

ODDS: 5:1 AGAINST

14) She kinda flipped when I told her I was 29. I don't know if that's in a good or bad way. She's 22.
Frankly, people over the age of 25 having sex is a mental picture that disgusts me.

ODDS: 6:1 AGAINST


As you can see -- tough odds, but not impossible. It's so easy when you break things down scientifically. 6:1 isn't terrible. Did I ever tell the time I went to a party thrown for "Heartbeat BBS" and found this cute little specimen in the corner with a pair of Lennon spectacles on and a haircut only slightly longer than the girl in "Panic Room"? I was at about 6:1 odds there and look how it turned out for me: I ended up in community college. Furthe-- Oh, hey, got another IM in ICQ. What could the content of this one be?
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Re: Hittage Odds

Post by Lex » Thu Aug 21, 2003 4:05 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Yeah. How bout that anyway? I think the kids would get a kick out of that.
What happens in Vega$ stays in Vega$. This is the closes I have seen you come to breaking that rule.
WHOOA!

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Post by Worm » Thu Aug 21, 2003 6:43 am

That's a rule? I thought you all were just making fun of those stupid ads.
Good point Bobby!

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Aug 21, 2003 6:50 am

Worm wrote:That's a rule? I thought you all were just making fun of those stupid ads.
Indeed, we were. At least, I thought we were.

I mean, *I* didn't have anything to be ashamed of in my time there. But then again, I have a tendency to black out. It's relative, just like everything else, I suppose.
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Re: Hittage Odds

Post by bruce » Thu Aug 21, 2003 7:27 am

Vitriola wrote: 11) Although it is pretty much my fault that I didn't get any last time.
Yes, yes it is.

You certainly weren't hurting for <i>offers</i>.

Anyway, my assessment of the situation is that this bitch wants you to hit her bad. <i>REAL</i> bad.

And if it's geeky gaming riffs you're looking for, then <i>MY</i> odds also better have improved, since I've got a whole <b>freaking BOOKSHELF</b> of gaming books, and I can riff not only on D&D (any post-<i>Chainmail</i> edition) but on GURPS, Call of Cthulhu, Elric, Toon, Traveller (classic), Paranoia 1st Ed., et al.

And I'm almost certainly the only person you know who actually owns a copy of <i>Spawn of Fashan</i>. An <i>autographed</i> copy no less.

But anyway.

Also: on my walls...quite a lot, since I'm an <b>old, homeowning fart</b>. In the bedroom: big-ass quilt of tropical birds and animals, eventually to be a nursery wall hanging, and a "Penises of the Animal Kingdom" poster, probably not eventually to be a nursery wall hanging. In the other bedroom, a "War of the Worlds 60th Anniversary" poster (I used to live within walking distance of Grover's Mill, and in fact my chiropractor had his office <i>in</i> the old mill building) and the "History of IF" timeline. Down here in the office: big-ass map of Montana, my and Amy's Rice diplomas, and my Princeton diploma. And a calendar. Still showing July. Hmmm. I'll just.....that's better.

Bruce

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Post by Worm » Thu Aug 21, 2003 7:39 am

Well, I'm positively hard to mention what is on my walls. I've got a NETGEAR hub, some orange plate with a Roman or Grecian mythological scene on it, two paintings(prints?) by Barbara Weber, a poster of The Legend 2, a poster of Jay and Silent Bob strike back, this ahh (one of those plastic grids that you run yarn through) a calendar made of that stuff (suits any month any year), a mirror, some hat like Raiden's from MK, and a movie poster of when they had all three Star Wars movies in one show.
Good point Bobby!

MONKEY MONKEY

Re: Hittage Odds

Post by MONKEY MONKEY » Thu Aug 21, 2003 9:11 am

bruec wrote: In the bedroom: big-ass quilt of tropical birds and animals, eventually to be a nursery wall hanging,
REALLY, BRUEC? TELL US ABOUT ALL THE MAAN ASS YOU GOT IN THAT QUILT


bruec wrote:and a "Penises of the Animal Kingdom" poster, probably not eventually to be a nursery wall hanging.
YEAH YUO WOULDNT WANT THAT UP WITH KIDS AROUND THATD BE WEIRD

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Re: Hittage Odds

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Aug 21, 2003 9:13 am

bruce wrote:the "History of IF" timeline.
Did I make the "History of IF" timeline at all?
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Post by Violet » Thu Aug 21, 2003 10:00 am

bruce wrote:Anyway, my assessment of the situation is that this bitch wants you to hit her bad. REAL bad.
I agree. You're odds are really good. The odds that it will last are another thing all together.
The End

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Post by Jethro Q. Walrustitty » Thu Aug 21, 2003 10:58 am

Jonsey: Actually, the only rally poster I have up is the from my rather large 2002 calendar which is in the garage. (The 2003 one is here at work.) I do have a "When you pirate MP3s, you're downloading communism" printout here at my desk at work, though. Had to test out our new color laser printer!

Vitriola's dream chick sounds like a total and complete nutjob. That equals "good lay" but probably "terrible relationship." If you're just after hitting it (which seems an odd euphamism for lesbian sex, if you ask me), probably worth going for. At the very least, it'll make a good story. "I fucked this one chick who was totally insane!"

Of course, we're assuming that this chick is gay, or at least bi. But then, from the description of her stuff, sounds like she's pretty "free-love" to me.

Vitriola

Post by Vitriola » Thu Aug 21, 2003 1:47 pm

I agree. You're odds are really good. The odds that it will last are another thing all together.
Last? Who said anything about lasting? These are Hittage Odds, Baby, not where-can-I-find-a-plastic-surgeon-who-will-install-wings-into-my-spine-so-I-can-date-her odds. Shit, if I wanted something to last, I'd be talking to-

Hey! I forgot to add that she's NOT a vegan. I feared for awhile, but then she wnt and whipped out the ham-AND-salami, mayo-AND-mustard, American cheese and white bread sandwich. Nice.

But, on the whole, I don't think she's one of those psycho drama queen goth types, but she is one of those fairy beings of delicate health who might either want to be handled with kid gloves or made to feel like she's a powerhouse of fury. Haven't figured it out yet. The's very tiny, but I think she could take some manhandling.

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Re: Hittage Odds

Post by bruce » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:16 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
bruce wrote:the "History of IF" timeline.
Did I make the "History of IF" timeline at all?
Um, no.

Me neither.

Bruce

Ex-Reader of Bruce's CRAP

Re: Hittage Odds

Post by Ex-Reader of Bruce's CRAP » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:23 pm

bruce wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
bruce wrote:the "History of IF" timeline.
Did I make the "History of IF" timeline at all?
Um, no.

Me neither.

Bruce

HOW ABOUT SPOILERS YOU MISERABLE FUCKING maggots

FOR SERIOUS

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Re: Hittage Odds

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:47 pm

bruce wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: Did I make the "History of IF" timeline at all?
Um, no.

Me neither.
Yeah. I can take the fact that the thing ends in 2000 being why Delarion, Porn, Clara and their adventures don't get a mention, but no Trotting Krips reference in 1998? We reviewed the fuck out of some of those games. And regardless of how crappy the first version was, I would say that Chicks Dig Jerks counts as a "memorable" game from the 1999 competition. (NOTE: My other entries have placed higher, but I would not argue that they are more "memorable.")
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Post by Lex » Thu Aug 21, 2003 3:55 pm

He pissed on the tables!
WHOOA!

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Post by Lysander » Thu Aug 21, 2003 4:45 pm

Not to get too off the subject here (lesbian sex=good topic that should not be derailed), but would you rather be not remembered at all or be remembered for all time as the guy who wrote the buggiest and most completely inaccessible game in the competition, and considering the subject matter was probably written by a 13-year-old on his father's viagra? I'm sorry, but reading Lucian's log of the first version that's what you looked like to me--a Mark Ryan clone.
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Post by Violet » Thu Aug 21, 2003 7:32 pm

Vitriola wrote:Last? Who said anything about lasting? These are Hittage Odds, Baby, not where-can-I-find-a-plastic-surgeon-who-will-install-wings-into-my-spine-so-I-can-date-her odds. Shit, if I wanted something to last, I'd be talking to-
Why are you stalling then. You know what you want to do. Who cares about the odds? Either shit or get off the pot.
The End

Vitriola

Post by Vitriola » Thu Aug 21, 2003 9:00 pm

Rape IS fun, I think we can all agree, but I kinda wanted her consent first, since, like Al Capone, a rape charge might lead the police to who exactly it was that racked up all those parking tickets in California.

Isn't that what you meant?

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Post by Violet » Fri Aug 22, 2003 5:44 am

Oooh my bad, I didn’t realize she wasn’t into that kind of stuff.

Well how about this instead then…You go over to her house in the middle of the night and break into a back window. Quietly creep into her bedroom and quickly bind and gag her. If she puts up too much of a fight knock her out with some sort of blunt object. (Remember to wear gloves like OJ.) After you’ve got a captive audience drag her to your car and dump her in your trunk. Drive six hours to Vega$ (and I should state that what happens in Vega$ stays in Vega$). Go to the outskirts, preferably were you can hear coyotes near by. Pop the trunk and dump her out onto the ground. Get her on her knees and put your finger up to the back of her head. Make a shooting sound, get back in the car and leave.

Now doesn’t that sound like a better plan? Really kinky.
The End

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