Love hurts... (extremely long rant involved)

Funny threads throughout the site's history.

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Jul 10, 2003 11:35 pm

Debaser wrote:
pinback wrote:I certainly don't mean this to be a loaded question, Debaser. I'll load it up afterwards, if necessary, but indulge my curiosity:

How old are you?
23. And, yes, I know. But you're, what, forty-something and, as that one crappy U2 song states, "You still haven't found what you're lookin' for.".
I'd also like to add that I would sell every last one of you down to the creepy, overalls-wearing fucker down the road who works nights at the <strike>human slurry</strike> sausage processing plant for ODDS, yes, even just goddamn ODDS at being 23 again.

And I personally thought that Ben was 47. At least, I did when he told me in no uncertain terms that although Shortcake took the Photoshop job I did the other night used it as inspiration to -- to borrow a phrase -- begin "splittin' the kitten," he still steadfastly refused to even begin growing the slightest stab at sideburns, even though it would instantly make him look like he belonged in this century and not last.

I mean, it's not like I told him to begin wearing an eyepatch or to get injected fangs or something. Where's the lurrrrv, Parrish? Where's the lurrrrrrrrrrv in yourself?
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by pinback » Thu Jul 10, 2003 11:43 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I'd also like to add that I would sell every last one of you down to the creepy, overalls-wearing fucker down the road who works nights at the <strike>human slurry</strike> sausage processing plant for ODDS, yes, even just goddamn ODDS at being 23 again.
Good fucking Buddha, Jonsey, you're about 40 years early to begin with this crap. You're not even 30 yet, and already you're waxing wistful about the good ol' days of being, what, four or five years younger than you are right now?

"Yeah, what I wouldn't give to be 81 again." - My grandmother, if she was a lot funnier than she actually is.
Above all else... We shall go on... And continue!

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Thu Jul 10, 2003 11:54 pm

If anybody sold a 'GO GO GOOD TEAM' t-shirt on cafepress.com, I would have no choice but be a complete sucker and buy it. Ever since I read about Fansy the Famous Bard or whatever, I've wanted to.
Last edited by Roody_Yogurt on Fri Jul 11, 2003 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Jul 10, 2003 11:54 pm

pinback wrote:Good fucking Buddha, Jonsey, you're about 40 years early to begin with this crap. You're not even 30 yet, and already you're waxing wistful about the good ol' days of being, what, four or five years younger than you are right now?
Easy there, Vandal Savage. You don't attack my sacred cow and I won't attack your sacred... erm, trilobyte.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

Tol

Post by Tol » Fri Jul 11, 2003 1:09 am

Roody_Yogurt wrote:Ever since I read about Fansy the Famous Bard or whatever, I've wanted tol
I've... I've wanted you too, Roody.

Let me explain... with fanfic.

Code: Select all

"So, there we were, Yukon Jake, Dief and myself on the edge of a cliff, with a starving bear behind us and 1000 foot drop in front of us. . Roody are you listening? Roody, Roody, Roody!" Benton Tol, RCMP spoke loudly to attract his partner's attention.

"What? Oh yeah, you were talking about Turnbull getting his head stuck in the dishwasher," Roody Yogurt said, shaking himself and grabbing a now cold paper cup of coffee. 

"That was 20 minutes ago, Roody," Tol chided gently. "You seem very distracted tonight. You've barely said a dozen words to me since we've been on this stakeout."

Roody ran a hand through his spikey blond hair, and stared out the window of his GTO, at the house they were assigned to watch. "Look Tol, stakeouts are not about good conversation and male bonding; they're about drinking cold coffee and trying not to die of boredom. See," he said holding up his cup. "We've got the cold coffee and the boredom, so we're doing good."

Tol was silent for several minutes, mulling this over. Finally he said, "If I've done something to offend you Roody; it would be better if you just come out and say it."

"Do not do that. Do not start with the poking and the prying into everything. There's nothing wrong. Let it go." Roody hunkered down into his seat an annoyed/irritated/nervous look in his eyes.

"Very well. If you say there's nothing wrong, then there's nothing wrong." Tol focused his attention on their objective. "I don't poke and pry." Yogurt turned and stared at him. "All right; I do poke and pry, but only because my training as a law enforcement officer. . "

"Tol, can you shut up? You know, I don't think you can. I'll bet you fifty bucks that you can't keep quiet for ten minutes." 

"Betting is illegal in this state, Roody.

" "Okay, we won't bet for money. Let's see. . I got it! If you can't keep quiet for ten minutes then you will come over and clean my apartment everyday for a month," Roody smiled at his stroke of genius.

"You're apartment certainly does need cleaning." he reflected. " If I win, you will wear a suit and tie to work every day for a month. Agreed?" Tol extended his hand. Roody grasped his hand in a firm shake.

"Better stock up on Mr. Clean, Tol." He looked at his watch. "In fifteen seconds, it will be 11&#58;30. You have to keep your mouth shut till 11&#58;40 or I win. Ready? Now." 

Tol nodded, folded his arms across his chest and stared straight ahead. Roody studied his partner; noticing how the moonlight made his pale skin glow softly. He shook his head to clear it. Thoughts like that had started this whole thing in the first place. 

"Oh Tol, did you hear the news? Francesca wants to become a cop. Have you ever heard anything so stupid in your life?" When Tol made no comment, he continued. "Basically, I think Frannie should stick with making coffee. That's what she's good at." Still no reaction from the mountie. "Now that I mention it, I don't think women should be cops at all. I mean, they are biologically incapable of handling the stress of the job. You know, all that estrogen floating around." Tol gave him a 'you'll have to do better than that look'.

Roody contemplated his next move. "Uh, I watched curling on the tube yesterday. I never will understand how anybody could consider that a sport. It's so stupid. Of course, hockey is even stupider. All those guys skating around trying to hit that little thing with a stick. It must be a Canadian thing, 'cause I don't get it." He looked expectantly at Tol, who shot him a withering look and resumed staring straight ahead.

This situation is getting desperate, Roody thought. If I have to wear a suit and tie for a month it'll kill me. Roody swallowed nervously , trying to think of anything that would get the mountie to speak. "Tol, I find you very attractive," he blurted out. Tol turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. Okay, this is good, he told himself. "I mean, you know, in the red serge and all. You look nice; like somebody out of those old movies. " 

Tol's regarded him with pity. Roody's cheeks flushed with anger. "Tol, you are the single most attractive person, male or female, that I have ever met. And I'm not just saying that to make you talk." The corner of Tol's mouth turned up in a slight smirk. "I think I could really go for you Tol," Roody continued. "I mean, after that buddy-breathing thing, I've been wondering what it would be like to really kiss you. Since we've got nothing else to do, what do you say we find out" 

The mountie's eyes called his bluff. Roody swallowed again, knowing he had no choice. In one swift movement, he slid over and brushed his lips against Tol's. Tol gasped in shock, but remained silent. 

"Well, did you like it?" Roody asked, breathlessly. "Yeah, me too. Maybe I should do it again." He moved in for another kiss, slowly stroking the cheek of the very rigid mountie. His lips touched Tol's and his tongue gently requested entry. After an eternity, Tol's lips parted and his tongue plunged inside. 

Roody's arms snaked around Tol's neck and he felt the strong arms of his friend encircle his waist. Coming up for air, Roody said, "That was unbelievable! Don't you think so?" Tol smiled and nodded. 

"Oh yeah, the bet. Forget about that. This is more important." Tol shook his head, no.

"What! Look Tol, forget the bet. We've just had an epip, an epiph. . a religious experience. Let's focus on it." Tol shook his head and shrugged. Roody slid back to his side of the car and angrily pounded the dashboard with his fist. "You make me crazy Tol! Sometimes I think I'm going to explode and. . You know what Tol, I'm going to make you talk if it kills both of us!" With that he slid across the seat again, pulled Tol's legs apart and moved off the seat and in between them. 

Eyes wide with shock, Tol could only gape at Roody as he battled the belt, fastenings and longjohns that stood between him and Tol's quickly hardening cock. "In the future; less clothes, Tol," he said in exasperation. At last, he wrapped his hands around the swollen shaft. "I wish I had a camera to capture that look on your face! It's priceless," Roody grinned. 

Tentatively, he kissed the tip, his lips dampened by the precum. He licked them cautiously and said, "Not too bad. I could get use to it." With a mischievious grin, he ran his tongue along the length of Tol's shaft.

Gasping for breath, Tol gripped the door handle with all his might with one hand and lowered the other to caress Roody's head. Roody continued his tongue-bath of Tol's penis. He licked the sensitive underside and moved to suck a ball. He let go and glanced up. Tol was biting his lips to keep quiet.

"You're really determined to win, aren't you? Oh well, you asked for it!"

Grasping it with both hands, he fitted the engorged member into his mouth. To his credit, Tol didn't make a sound, but his body spasmed and his hand jerked on the door handle. The door started to open. Roody quickly reached over and pulled it shut, never letting up on the hold that he had on Tol's cock. 

Both hands now entwined in Roody's hair and his hips rocking in rhythm to the cop's sucking, Tol panted desperately. Roody was merciless, driving his mountie beyond his endurance. Finally, with one more frenzied thrust, Tol filled his mouth with his hot, creamy seed and moaned, "Roody, Roody, Roody!!!" 

After swallowing contentedly, Roody looked up at Tol and smiled lopsidedly. "Well, I guess I win the bet."

Still short of breath, Tol gasped, "Look at your watch Roody." 

Roody did and sure enough, it read 11&#58;41. "Damn! A whole month wearing a suit and tie."

Tol tilted his head up. "We can forget the whole thing if you want," he offered. 

"Not a chance, I always make good on my bets. Besides, this one was worth it."

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Fri Jul 11, 2003 1:20 am

Well played, Tol. Of course, I've had to go and fix my typo, but I admit that you have bested me this time (of course, since I'm not actually going to battle you intellectually, I'm sure you will best me the next time, too). My only solace is that I was able to skim over the second half of that piece but you actually had to write it.

Tol

Post by Tol » Fri Jul 11, 2003 1:26 am

I... I did have to write it.

I... I live every day like this! You don't understand! I write this way because it's the only way these feelings can ever be managed!

Love.... Love?!?! These apes talk of love? They know not love! They know not the love that I, an ambiguously gendered mystery creature have for you, Roody Yogurt!

I... I.... I am truly sorry our first public meeting had to... had to be like this. I don't know what came over me. I just had to show you one of my stories. I... I feel terrible about it.

I am not a bad person. I am just somebody who was consumed by love. The kind of love that can never be fully expressed or realized or fulfilled... Love... well, what can you say?

Love hurts...

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Fri Jul 11, 2003 1:35 am

Well, it's nice to know that love does exist.

Souffle of Pain

Post by Souffle of Pain » Sun Jul 13, 2003 2:18 am

So did Blue cut off Jack's electricity or not?

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Post by Da King » Sun Jul 13, 2003 7:50 am

pinback wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:But c'mon, your personal and real-life stuff is something much better discussed in person than on a forum right in front of Adam.
I take issue with this. I think that's the most healthy way to get through this sort of thing... to just lay it all out there for the world to see and then make humorous comments on.
Hmm. Call me a late comer to the discussion... but I seem to have missed the "humorous comments" part.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Sun Jul 13, 2003 11:32 am

Well, the M-M-M-Monster Kill thing was good for a chuckle.

But that's more a picture than a comment.

It's like 1,000 comments!!
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Post by bruce » Sun Jul 13, 2003 1:36 pm

John Cusak, High Fidelity wrote: Real quick, write down the five worst things you've ever done. Write them down. Get a piece of paper, and list them.

Be honest. Nobody is going to look at the list except for you.

Did you do it? Are you finished? Great. Read the list to yourself.

Now who's the fucking asshole?
Jesus Christ.

What does it say that most of mine began with

"Fucked" and then, after a proper noun, continued with, "and then lied about it to" and then another proper noun?

Bruce

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Post by bruce » Sun Jul 13, 2003 1:39 pm

Jack Straw wrote:If you want to get with Blue feel free, you have my permission.
Hey, does that apply to me too?

Bruce

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Post by bruce » Sun Jul 13, 2003 1:41 pm

pinback wrote: Who are these people whose personal lives are so embarrassing to them that they're horrified and ruined if they're exposed to the world?
<raises hand>
pinback wrote: How about living a life you can be even remotely proud of, instead of fucking everything up and covering your tracks?
<lowers hand>

Bruce

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Post by bruce » Sun Jul 13, 2003 1:44 pm

BLUE wrote:I will no longer be visiting Jolt country..... I felt like I needed to talk to someone since Adam stole all of my male friends and fucked my female friends..
<i><b>NOT</b></i> me, just in case anyone was wondering.

Bruce, whose name is, um, really Adam

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Post by bruce » Sun Jul 13, 2003 1:47 pm

Bong Recreation Area wrote: Image
I swear to God I've been there.

There was a Swissy Pack Dog Event there last year.

Really.

Bruce

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