How to handle a noisy woman?

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How to handle a noisy woman?

Post by pinback » Thu Jun 26, 2003 2:59 pm

Let's say you're doin' this broad, right? Now, you're a modest man, and don't like disrupting anyone else's life, even when you're getting your freak on, but turns out, this little lady is a bit... shall we say... "vocal"?

That can be embarrassing, particularly in a leased apartment with rather thin walls and ceilings!

How would you handle this delicate situation?

Souffle of Pain

Post by Souffle of Pain » Thu Jun 26, 2003 3:10 pm

First to post "put your dick in her mouth"!

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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 26, 2003 3:14 pm

BANNED!!

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Post by bruce » Thu Jun 26, 2003 4:13 pm

First to post "Duct tape" !

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Post by bruce » Thu Jun 26, 2003 4:14 pm

Also first to post, "Invite me over, and I can put my dick in her mouth while you're banging her" !

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Post by Debaser » Thu Jun 26, 2003 5:19 pm

First to Post: "This wouldn't be a problem if you had drugged her properly, first."

Okay, who am I kidding? No one else was going to post that. But it's good advice.

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Post by Roody_Yogurt » Thu Jun 26, 2003 5:22 pm

Ok, I usually am pretty satisfied with myself that not much is shocking on here, but I have to say, that post was pretty disturbing.

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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey » Thu Jun 26, 2003 5:28 pm

OK, listen up. This is a problem I feel well experienced in solving.

The short answer: you can't do anything. Nothing can be done. And if you're like me, at some point in your younger, wilder days the women who were good enough to sleep with you could not be made to be kept even remotely silent, and a Pavlovian response formed in your fractured brain to the point where an even mildly attractive woman simply saying the pseudo-word "Hmm!" is enough to get the old brass lantern shining brightly, regardless of how much battery life is left.

I won't bother to go into the hell that was those Clariol "Herbal Essence" commercials that used to be on TV constantly. Yeah, ha ha ha, bitch sounds like she's coming over the air, that's comedy, especially in mixed... and non-mixed... company.

Anyway, you're doomed. Well, you could fuck her poorly, I guess, but I don't think that's a solution that is necessarily going to work out for you in, to quote the name of an Eagles album, The Long Run.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by Worm » Thu Jun 26, 2003 6:00 pm

Get a ball gag those are supposed to be comfortable. You could use many objects but a ball gag is pretty nice.
Good point Bobby!

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Post by Jack Straw » Thu Jun 26, 2003 6:14 pm

If you're worrying about your goddamn neighbors when you're getting your dick wet, you are further gone than I had previously thought.

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Post by Debaser » Thu Jun 26, 2003 6:22 pm

Okay, I've actually managed to go "too far". Excellent, one more item to take off the cosmic "to-do" list. Other Options:

SEXUAL POSITION - MOUTH FULL OF FOOD:

Advantages: Disguise your true intentions behind romance! She'll think you're trying to enhance the mood and add a level of playfullness in the bedroom, while you are in fact saying "Shut the fuck up, woman." Plus, Robb suggested that Ben showcase his cooking to this woman, so there you go.

Disadvantages: Difficult to select the right food. A strawberry won't last nearly long enough, (insert joke about Ben's sexual prowess here), while a spam and cheese sandwhich might seem strange.

SEXUAL POSITION - FACE BURIED IN PILLOW:

Advantages: Straight and to the point.

Disadvantages: Tough to pull off effectively, unless the girl has either a great deal of self-esteem or no self-esteem whatsoever. While "online" Ben could probably manage the necessary mix of savagery and sheer animal magnetism, "offline" Ben, judging by his recent posts in this base, probably has to compose a brief sonnet comparing the girl to a summer's breeze before each encounter, and is therefore disqualified.

SEXUAL POSITION - OUTDOORS, SOMEWHERE NOISY:

Advantages: Aside from whatever inherent kink this option enjoys, there's a definite "two great tastes that go great together" addendum, here. Ben, you love rollercoasters, right? Amusement parks are always noisy as hell.

Disadvantages: Legal issues, of course. Plus, the Catch 22: Anyone worried about his neighbors knowing he's having sex in his own apartment probably isn't going to work up the galls for this one.

SEXUAL POSITION - AT HER PLACE:

Duh.

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Post by Worm » Thu Jun 26, 2003 7:43 pm

I had tennents who fucked too loudly. So, Ben here this the break down. The people are either ignoring or jerking off to it.
Good point Bobby!

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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 26, 2003 8:53 pm

I was asking this for a friend of mine, you understand.

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Post by pinback » Thu Jun 26, 2003 9:07 pm

In truth, I'm desensitizing my neighbors by playing hardcore pornography on the television at high volume all hours of the night.

And at least for three minutes at a time.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! BAM! Sexual self-deprecation story.

Blue

Post by Blue » Fri Jun 27, 2003 4:34 am

Get a ball gag those are supposed to be comfortable. You could use many objects but a ball gag is pretty nice.
Ballgag's suck... you drool all over them and they hurt your jaw after a few minites.

BTW: Who cares about the neighbors.. from my experience females who are noisy are more fun... If your friend wants it to be that quiet tell him to get a blow-up doll.

B. Knight

Post by B. Knight » Fri Jun 27, 2003 6:40 am

When it is inevitable, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Blow Up Doll

Post by Blow Up Doll » Fri Jun 27, 2003 6:43 am

We make noise too! Skin on plastic isn't as quiet as you think.
Then if you Bundy us we pop, thus making noise.

The French

Post by The French » Fri Jun 27, 2003 6:47 am

You could put another woman on her mouth, but I guess you would have to put them face to face to quiet both of them if you know what I mean.
8^(__)

JC Public Service

Post by JC Public Service » Fri Jun 27, 2003 10:56 am

Blue wrote:Ballgag's suck... you drool all over them and they hurt your jaw after a few minites.
Image

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Post by Jack Straw » Fri Jun 27, 2003 10:59 am

bwahahaaa!

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