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The Top 100 Games of All Time
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

bruce wrote:
Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:
"Eat shit that you made the 10th best game of all-time!" I mean. If that makes any sense.


Uh, yeah. You need to drink more.

Also, Chris Crawford, once-great game designer, but for the last, oh, DECADE AND A HALF, BATSHIT INSANE FUCKNOSTRIL, has a new iteration of the Orgasmatron.

http://www.storytron.com/


I personally guarantee that the ware I am working on now in the basement will be better received than anything that comes out of his latest unloved CYOA engine. Has there EVER been a SINGLE piece of compelling content to come out of the stuff he's doing?

I can't remember if it was Jigsaw, Curses or Christminster that got everyone going all, "OOOOH!" about Inform - I presume Curses, because it was first - but seriously, Crawford needs his "Curses." Nobody should give a crap until he comes up with something as fun as that game.
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

#7 - ROBOTRON 2084

Arcade



The greatest arcade game of all-time.

And I do believe what makes it so is that it is wonderful to watch and play. At least for someone like me, who can't get much beyond the levels with the testicle-brain creatures that send out Darwinia textures to find and kill you.

You all know the stories: it was designed when Eugene Jarvis broke his hand driving the fuck out of his car, he liked Berzerk but hated the control scheme (don't we all), he realized that 1984 isn't enough time for Orwellian oppression to really take over so he made it 2084 and had robots do the boot on face stomping.

It's everything an arcade game should be. Every time you die it was your fault, not the game's. Every goddamn time, and I can't say that about any other arcade game. The levels eventually repeat, but there's enough shit going on that they are hardly recognizable. You get a bonus life every 25,000 points so you can cover for the occasional mistake. And no matter how poor you are at the game you can honestly enjoy seeing others play brilliantly.

The two best players of this game that I have witnessed are my brother and Pinback. The times I've given it a shot has made me look like the kid on the basketball court with two left feet that mops up the sweat on one end while there is a play on the other. Every once in a while they don't get out of the way fast enough and get knocked over. I get knocked over every time I play the game with another human around. I am convinced that you could take an Aborigine, shunt him over in darkest Africa for five years, Phobos for three and plop him in front of a Robotron cab and he'll be clicking, chirping and tanning his way to better scores than me within ten of our minutes. Watching a competent player do his thing is trying beautiful. The tagline to one of the Max Payne games said it was a "ballet of death" or whatnot, but in 2084 it really is.

This is the one game I wish I were a little better at.

There were about 18,000 cabinets made. Trying to get one is an exercise in futility. Good luck. Expect to pay well over thirteen hundred bucks for one with nothing wrong with it. You can't even build one because the sticks aren't available as reproductions. Robotron has shown up in a variety of Multicades and Ultracades and the joysticks always feel wrong. Actually, the Williams sticks hardly move at all for God only knows what reason, trying to play it makes you feel like you're on Jupiter. The latest trend in giant truck commercials is having the trucks move a Unicron-sized monstrosity of metal from a highway underpass. You could hook the wrecks up to the joysticks of the Williams Multicade and give it a little bit of momentum and the highway would be uncongested in no time. That thing would continue around its own plane, ignoring the curvature of the Earth's surface, and eventually come to a stop when it reached the Dog Star. I am trying to say that those things are solid and heavy and not at all any good for anything.

And Robotron deserves a little better. It deserves a little better than being shoved into a shitty cab smaller than short guys like so. It deserves these things because it's truly the 7th best game of all-time.
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm still not ready to talk about #6 yet, sorry. Hopefully this week.
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Lysander



Joined: 08 Jul 2003
Posts: 1694
Location: East Bay, California.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for the update telling us you are not updating anything. How many times is this, again?
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

#6 - FRONT PAGE SPORTS: FOOTBALL PRO '98

IBM PC



We live in a world where the very worst football franchise became the standard. It's unfortunate we live in that one. I used to like playing football games.

That's a lie: I only ever truly liked FPS:FP '96 and '98. The Madden games have been universally terrible for at least ten years and everyone who buys them in earnest is a FUCKING MORON.

The NFL2Kx games are okay and certainly priced correctly. That is, back when they were making them. Because, apparently, the NFL wasn't making quite enough money they decided to auction off exclusive rights to NFL football and EA (creators of Madden, although perhaps "shitters of Madden" would be a better term) so the NFL2Kx games are no more.

Basically, everything Madden does wrong the Front Page series does right. Sierra made a horrible mistake in not porting the Front Page franchise to consoles. They also made a horrible mistake with the 99 version of the game, but we'll get to that in a second. Every single thing about FPS: FP 98 is better than every single version of Madden and I am going to prove it.

To start, we'll talk about the attitude of the franchise. With FP, the developers wanted to get better each year. Madden is honestly concerned with getting worse. Sure, the graphics might look a little better but virtually every preview of Madden starts out with, "Acknowledging that the running game left a little to be desired, EA has addressed it and the result is a blah blah blah." Only they haven't fixed the running game. They'll never fix the running game. You can either run like crazy or not run at all.

And they've been making these stupid games for over 10 years.

Franchise mode? Broken. Idiotic "features" like the fucking passing cone? Added! Bugs? More bugs than you'd ever think likely for one of the longest-enduring franchises in video game history.

Meanwhile, Front Page '98 is pretty much the perfect sports game. It has a wonderful franchise mode that doesn't arbitrarily stop after 15 seasons. It handles trades fabulously. Any number of human and computer players can take over the teams and it's seamless to drop or add people. The graphics are crisp and you can move the camera however you like. It works perfectly with a joystick, gamepad or keyboard.

My brother and I have played over 20 seasons of the 96 version -- the 98 primarily adds quarterbacks that can still throw the ball when they escape the pocket, Windows compatibility and some other minor fixes. It is amazingly like real football. You can't simply chuck the ball 70 yards down field and hope that 1 out of 3 times your guy will come up with it. With proper separation your wide receivers will catch almost anything, just like real receivers. (Only the best receivers can catch the ball with a defender trying to lift their wallet... again, very true to life.) Mobile quarterbacks are cool, but they are not required and a pocket passer can do a lot of damage, just like in real life. Your offensive players get a little more tired on fourth down to simulate how difficult it is to truly "go for it." An acceptable trade-off.

It goes on and on.

Unfortunately, Sierra's own incompetence destroyed the franchise when they released the 99 version way before it was ready. You can not go more than four or five plays without the thing dying. Opposing, computer-controled players will just go brain dead. It's rough. They made the switch to 3D and didn't have time to actually finish the game.

It's unfortunate that Sierra picked up Half-Life, because they deserved to be bankrupt for what they pulled with 99: they promised that they would fix the bugs. They offered to buy back the disc for whoever wanted a refund. (Or they would give them a copy of one of their other shitty games. Though I think you could have exchanged it for Half-Life, so I guess that was a real option.) They said that they would let you return the game to them until a certain date, say, March 31st 2000.

They were going to fix every last bug, though! That's the important part.

On April 1st, 2000, literally one day after the end of the return period, they announced that they were no longer supporting '99 and that no bugs would be fixed after all.

Seriously, fuck those guys. I hope everyone responsible dies in a building fire.

None of this changes the fact that the previous version is the 6th best game of all-time.
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Knuckles the CLown



Joined: 30 Jan 2004
Posts: 1111
Location: Shaker Heights, OH

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

can you mention how you once flung the" 6th best game of all-time" CD ROM across the room in anger?
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Knuckles the CLown wrote:
can you mention how you once flung the" 6th best game of all-time" CD ROM across the room in anger?


Ha ha! Hell YES I can.

At one time I was like most of the football-game buying public. IG. NANT. I thought that the nonsense available on the Sega Genesis was all we would ever get.

I had one play with the 95 Saints: throw deep to Michael Haynes. Man, it disgusts me to this day to think that that was all my offense consisted of. A Falcons reject the Saints signed in free agency.

Anyway, I got ahold of FP 96 by scamming Sierra. They had a promotion going where they would give you a free game if you sent them the UPC labels for three of their other games. At the same time they would send empty boxes to Electronics Boutique for display purposes only.

I worked at an EB.

Me and Kevin Zona grabbed the freebie display boxes, cut out the UPC symbols, sent 'em in and got our free copy of FP 96.

I played it a little and didn't like it, chiefly because it wasn't like mindless console football. What is THIS shit? I can't throw it 80 yards and pray? Fuck this game!

Well my brother had more patience. Bless him. Without his patience I would have chucked the CD across the room as I failed to score a red zone touchdown for like the 7th straight fucking time.

He picked the disc up, continued to play it and convinced me how much better it was than Madden.

Michael... thank you. You saved my life.
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Knuckles the CLown



Joined: 30 Jan 2004
Posts: 1111
Location: Shaker Heights, OH

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the amount of time spent playing and consuming pie will probably result in clogged arteries for all involved thus dooming you.
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Uh like... blueberry?
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LiveJournal PLUS
Guest





PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:06 pm    Post subject: You mother fucjker Reply with quote

I can't believe you ripped this list off, almost word for word!

http://chaingangguy.livejournal.com/?skip=20

You even just substituted names for the Archon one!
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:21 pm    Post subject: Re: You mother fucjker Reply with quote

LiveJournal PLUS wrote:
I can't believe you ripped this list off, almost word for word!

http://chaingangguy.livejournal.com/?skip=20

You even just substituted names for the Archon one!


Jesus Christ!

Well, it's not like he has single handedly co-opted my life or anything!

This is the most shocking thing I have ever read in my entire life. Everything I thought I knew was false. Everything!
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On the other hand, it is quite validating to see people enjoying the content on Gerrit's Livejournal. For the last three years people I have never met have politely laughed at the content that Pinner and I have expunged onto the world and even though this is the most inexplicable thing I have ever seen in my life, well, it's nice to see people go "ha ha."

Ah! CGG just logged on. We'll no doubt get an explanation over this shortly.
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus Mary, Mother of God there is a second Livejournal doing the same thing!

http://thegimmick.livejournal.com/

HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON?!?!
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Vitriola



Joined: 10 Mar 2003
Posts: 2426

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CGG has deleted his account.
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, wait now, Gerrit, let's not do anything rash. I don't think anyone wants anything deleted!
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Lysander



Joined: 08 Jul 2003
Posts: 1694
Location: East Bay, California.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excuse me! If some greasy pimmply-faced livejournal maggot is copying me I would like to fucking know about it! (Hell, you don't even have to take it down, I just want to know that you're doing it.)
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gsdgsd



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 743
Location: Atlanta, GA

PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't wanna tread on awkward ground, or anything, but just what exactly happened here?
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Ice Cream Jonsey



Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 20088
Location: Colorado

PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lemme start another thread. I'm five from the end on this one.
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JC Reader/Burn Victim
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 12:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

#5 - BOMBERMAN '94

Turbo Duo



I had started to recover from the non-stop wall of fire that is this thread when the updates began anew. I was becoming "friends" with the nurse from the free clinic who would so generously slop a soothing balm upon my scorched, burnt and nigh-melted body. She would knock on the door and I would softly keen, as my seared vocal chords had long lost their ability to produce anything resembling human speech. She would carefully open the door to my apartment and poke her head in, and I would know that there was another update to the Top 100 list.

Most days the update brought confusion along with the creamy salve. Uptopia? M.U.L.E.? I would attempt to shake my head in unblinking (because my eyelids had long since boiled away due to the white-hot fires created by the thread's content) discomprehension, although usually the pain in doing so would cause horrible convulsions and streaks of blinding pain throughout my wracked and crippled nervous system. The nurse would say, "There, there" and try to make it all better when I really simply needed someone to explain to me how Mr. Do! was better than Tetris.

Today's update was the best one yet. Bomberman '94? Friends, I knew this game. Back when I had a steady income, beautiful house, lovely wife, two wonderful children and four sets of braces on said children I would oftentimes sneak a little time to myself and play Bomberman '94 on the Turbo Duo with my friends. We delighted in the simple yet timeless gameplay, the best version and most perfect iteration of a game centered around blowing the living shit out of people with cartoon lit bombs.

Oh, how we enjoyed riding the Yoshis, Dragons, Beasts and Eggs! My heart even now beats a little faster when thinking of it, as aside to how it normally beats in my skinless pantomime of a human shell, which is exposed to the world. The nurse would sometimes insert a raw, metallic prong into my heart and run current through it for her own sick amusement. How I hate her! How I had to have her, if only the updates would stop and I could heal!

There was a long delay after the update to the Sentinel. My body began stiching itself together. For the first time in a year I was able to touch my fingertips to each other, with real skin on the pads! Oh, the horrors when Resident Evil 4 (and the nurse) appeared again! Instantly my body was consumed in an almost sentient fan of Phoenix-rebirth-like fire! She wore particularly scorching knee-highs, a low-cut one-piece outfit, lipstick redder than stars of red dwarfian descent, all designed to engulf my body with hot desire figuratively and gasoline flames literally.

Yet I regret nothing.

I can't explain to you why, as JC Reader / Tragic Burn Victim, my body's fate is tied to this nefarious torture of content. Others I am aware of like, some sort of beaver, are able to consume the hated element and leave free, happy, sated lives.

But not me.

The many levels of Bomberman '94 and adorable art direction supplied a moment's pause from the nurse once again setting my body ablaze. I knew it would be months, again, before my body even dared the re-growing of any skin cells.

It was my fate. Damn you, Robb Sherwin!
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Joined: 27 Apr 2002
Posts: 12029

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I find it hard to believe that the fifth best game of all time is named "Bomberman '94".

EDIT: Particularly when accompanied by that screenshot.

EDIT EDIT: Particularly when accompanied by that review.
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