(OK, this is ICJ taking over at this point, as I think what happened made Pinback’s heart go out.)

My first job was as a clerk at a driving range. You did a little of everything there: cashier, dude-who-runs-the-tractor-that-picks-up-the-balls, BALL WASHER LOL, etc. So as a result I hate golfers.

Oh no, don’t get me wrong, they’re fine people, they’re good Americans. But they’re content to sit back, maybe watch a little Mork n’ Mindy on channel fifty-seven, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16 ouncer. They’re good, fine people, but they don’t know that I wish them all dead.

Kidding! Not kidding. There were a handful of good guys (who, since it’s been over 15 years, have probably died off in great numbers, now that I think about it). But the majority were pricks. Also, the average golfer can not hit a tractor moving at 2 MPH, by the way, though if you ask them, they are all crack shots.

So for that reason I never got into watching or playing golf. All I can say, after experiencing the playoff today in the limited way I experienced it (getting updates from Pinback through Google Chat) is that it really was the finest sporting event of the year, so far, which is a huge compliment considering how the Super Bowl ended.

It’s also likely to be one of the most amazing perfomances of golf of all-time. Wow. WOW.

I had one of my knees reconstructed and I still feel the surgery once, ehhh, say once a week. Just a little, “hi!” to remind you that you had surgery. I can’t remember if Tiger got his meniscus cleaned up, or replaced or what, but JESUS CHRIST, people should not be doing what he did mere weeks after knee surgery. They just shouldn’t. Groceries. That’s what you should be able to do – get two armfuls of groceries, and move them from your car to your kitchen table, where it then becomes women’s work. You are not supposed to win golf tournaments.

And you have to give it up for Rocco Mediate. 45 years old and finally — I assume? — peaking as a golfer. It gives hope to us all, frankly. He went 18 holes with Tiger Woods, the Most Dominant Athlete of Our Lives Except For Wayne Gretzky, and came out even. Even!!! Another frigging trip through every hole wasn’t enough.

You can’t even say “he played his ass off” – he did, of course, but he did something far greater. So few of us will ever get a chance to go up against someone who is the best in the world at something. So few of us are qualified, so few of us have the skill ourselves, so few of us internalize the things we are good at into non-competitive talents, like being a good father, or a good worker down at the dock, or good at figuring out the plot twists of CSI:NY.

But Rocco Mediate got to go up against the best in the world and I’ll guarantee you he learned more about himself in six hours today than his previous 45 years. Here’s the scorecard. The most important part of the match was when he birdied three straight holes to end the 15th. He put the pressure on Tiger Woods. Tiger had to birdie the goddamn 18th hole to simply survive. He did it, of course,, because Tiger Woods is the man you cannot compute, control, or comprehend. He’s a robot of golf, out there doing shit nobody thought possible. But Rocco Mediate, with 9 professional wins to his name, went up against Golfing Killbot 9000 and forced him to birdie the last hole. Amazing.

You can’t have those two guys out there forever, so sudden death ensued, on a hole that Tiger had birdied earlier that day (and Rocco not), so really Tiger’s “win” was kind of cheap when you think about it. No, no, just kidding. I pretend to dismiss golf because so many golfers shrink like little babies when Tiger’s a-coming, but what happened today was incredible and exactly the opposite.

Tiger’s opponent, Rocco Mediate, did not shrink away. He did not back down. He did not give up. He did not get caught up in the aura or anything like that. He went down like a man and gave the Legend a fight. Rocco just ran out of holes.

It was amazing. I wish I had taken off work to see it, instead of just catching it over the Internet. Good on ya, golf. Good on ya.