Well, it’s the third “major” of the year (ed. note: the British Open!), and the first “major” without Tiger Woods since 1996. Many fine golfers will be competing for this “major”, but really, what are they playing for? A trophy that says they beat a bunch of second-rate players? Good for you. Way to go on winning your “major”.
Since Tiger’s not in this, we are going to do something a little different. The rest of this PGA season is now about seeing whether or not Tiger can still win the Player of the Year award.
This would be a ridiculous accomplishment since he will have only played in SIX (6) tournaments the entire year, but is still very possible, since he won FOUR (4) of them, still more than anyone else, and one of those four was the greatest Major victory in golf history.
So let’s take a look at who is left in the field who can even threaten to wrest the award from Tigs by the end of the year:
Anthony Kim (2 wins, 0 majors): Haven’t you heard? Tiger is old news! The old man had a good run, but it’s time for him to step aside and let the new crop of golf geniuses break all his records! And that crop consists of one man, Anthony Kim! A brash young punk who is here to kick ass and take names! The new Tiger, except way better! Like Vijay’s caddy said, TIGER WHO? It’s Anthony Kim’s world now! Why, he’s even won TWO WHOLE TOURNAMENTS this year, wearing idiotic-looking belt buckles! BEST GOLFER EVER! Yeah. Well, he would need a major victory, and possibly another regular tour win this year to win the award. He’s currently tied for 19th in the first round of the British, so he’s in contention. And he is very good. My focus for this British is, instead of rooting for Tiger, rooting very strongly AGAINST Anthony Kim. Join me, won’t you? THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
Kenny Perry (3 wins, 0 majors): He has won 3 out of his last 5 tournaments! All he’d need is a major and he’d probably win the award! Let’s see how he’s doing… oh wait, that’s right, HE’S NOT EVEN PLAYING IN THE BRITISH, in the dumbest move I’ve ever seen a professional golfer man since Rory said Tiger looked more beatable than ever. He can win every other tournament the rest of the year, but without a major, I just don’t see him winning the award. Maybe he’ll play the PGA Championship, though. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
Trevor Immelman (1 win, 1 major): If he wins another major, he’ll win the award. Problem is, since his ridiculously improbably Masters win, he hasn’t even been able to make the cut at a miniature golf course. Being on all those talk shows seems to have made him forget how to play. He’s currently tied for 67th in the British. Watch how not worried I am. THREAT LEVEL: ZEE. ROW.
Phil Mickelson (2 wins, 0 majors): FUCK YOU LEFTY. All he’d need is another tour win and a major! How’d he do today? Ah, I see! NICE 79, LEFTY! You managed to break 80! Way to go! Tied for 123rd, don’t give up!! HEE HEE! THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
Whoever Wins The British: If anyone can rip off the last two majors, they’ll win. So whoever wins this one will have a shot at it at the PGA. I think the last person to win the last two majors of the year other than Tiger was like nobody. Or Jack Nicklaus or some old guy. Extreedingly unlikely. THREAT LEVEL: VERY LOW
Everyone Else: No chance.
So that’s it, there’s your competitors. Let’s get an Anthony Kim update, since he’s the best golfer of all time! OOPS! Down to a tie for 28th! What’s the matter, KIMMIE???
That’s it for this update. If I were you, I’d not even pay attention to the British, and just watch these three videos over and over and over and over:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZLKXvGE6kN8
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UcxZy-abRbU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Bj9A8rYuZAE
