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2008 U.S. Open Second Round Analysis
June 13th, 2008 by Pinback

Hello! And welcome back to the No-Stress 2008 U.S. Open thread! It’s called the No-Stress thread because, unlike other major threads, we are coming into this one with no stress, and no expectations! Sure, we may root like heck for Tiger in other major threads like this, but this time, we’re just gonna kick back in our Barcalounger, let all the tensions of the workaday world dissolve, and talk some golf, fully realizing that Tiger is not going to win this one, so we don’t have to worry about it! Such a relief!

With that in mind, let’s get to the analysis of Round 2!

ANALYSIS SUMMARY

After Tiger battled to a middling position yesterday, we were actually given a ray of hope. All we had to do was hope that he didn’t double-bogey his first hole again! Well, he managed to avoid that, but replaced the double with two single bogeys over the first three holes. At this point, sitting at +3, our lack of expectations for this week were fully justified. Not every week is going to be your week!

Then, somehow (I say this less out of amazement and more out of, I just didn’t get to see it and don’t know how it happened), he managed to EAGLE his fourth hole to get back even for the day! More hope!

But then just as quickly, those two shots were squandered away with consecutive bogeys at 7 and 8, and once again we went back into full NO-STRESS living!

Then he made the turn.

To call his back nine legendary is perhaps an overstatement, but also perhaps not one. Regardless, by the end of his five-under back-nine torching, Tiger now stands TIED FOR SECOND, one shot back of the leader, with two other assholes competitors.

Obviously this is way more than we expected. But in keeping with the theme, we are going to keep this a NO-STRESS thread, because although he had a fine day, we still do not think that Tiger is going to win. Torrey Pines is just too tough, and Tiger is facing too much to be able to keep this pace up over the weekend. He won’t win! So we can relax.

If he were to win this, would it be his most incredible victory in his unbelievably phenomenal career? By far, yes. Is this way better than anyone in their right mind could have possibly thought he’d do to this point? Of course!! IS HE ON THE FUCKING CUSP OF THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER TO HAPPEN IN SPORTS?!?!? YES, GODDAMMIT!!

But we are going to stay low-key about it!

Just because if he’s able to play his normal game over the weekend he will fucking torch the lot of these simpering, oozing fat fucking bastards cluttering up the rest of the course with their filth, we are not raising our expectations, or our blood pressure! It’s just a nice weekend of golf ahead, which we’ll enjoy regardless of the outcome! And hey, if Tiger manages to obliterate the scumbags standing in his way, thereby completing the most amazing fucking comeback in the history of human endeavor, so much the better!

But either way, we’re totally cool with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FUCKING STRESS HERE!!!!!!!!!

I’d go about individually analyzing the competitors who stand even with or ahead of Tiger, but there’s only fucking three of them, so I will expand this a bit, look at those within one or two strokes, and then making special mention of a few players further back who warrant that special attention, especially if they are FAT, LEFT-HANDED SMUG FUCKING LOSERS.

Now, let’s look at the competitors!

LEADER: Stuart Appleby (-3): Well. He nailed a 45-foot bomb at the last to grab sole possession of the lead. He’s a solid, quality player. I’m more nervous about him than anyone left near the top of the leaderboard. But lets look at his track record at the U.S. Open since the turn of the century! Let’s see, he’s played 8 times. He’s MISSED THE CUT 6 of those times, and his best finish in the other two was a tie for 26th, last year. Could this be his magical year? Hey, if it’s gonna be any year, it’ll be this one. But I’m sorry, I don’t buy it. I DON’T BUY IT. I am not buying it. Still, though… THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

The following players are tied with Tiger at -2:

Rocco Mediate: I looked him up too. He’s fucking 46. He has won 5 times on Tour, no majors. He’s had two top tens in the U.S. Open since 2000, but missed the cut or didn’t qualify for the other ones. This is a virtual impossibility. Then again, heck, maybe HE’S the one due for the magical week this time. Then he can join Trevor Goddamn Immelman and they can suck each others dicks for the next 20 years while Tiger wins all the other majors. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Robert Karlsson: HIS NAME IS ROBERT KARLSSON. HIS NAME IS ROBERT KARLSSON. I love that joke so much I’m just going to keep pounding away at it until he tanks, which he definitely will, because who the hell has ever heard of him? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

That’s it. Those are the only three dickwads level with or ahead of Tiger.

But sure, let’s assume Tiger stumbles a bit and a few more guys get back in the mix. Who do we have at -1 right now?

D.J. Trahan (-1): I still have never heard of him, and I’ve been staring at his name for two days now. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Davis Love III (-1): He was elite for a few years. Those years appeared to be well in the past, but who knows, maybe he found the old magic. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-HIGH

Lee Westwood (-1): Another asshole has-been who’s taking this opportunity to pathetically try to remind people they once didn’t used to suck so hard. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Miguel Angel Jiminez (-1): Shot -5 for the day, the round of the day. Fine golfer. Maybe the ugliest human being on the planet. I don’t know whether that helps or hurts his chances. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

And stepping back to EVEN PAR, we find these buttplugs!

Luke Donald (E): Hanging in there. There sure are a lot of guys up here that you think “maybe this is his week”. So maybe this is his week. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Robert Allenby (E): See Luke Donald. Boy, good thing I still don’t have any expectations of Tiger winning, otherwise all these not-complete-loser names up here might start getting me nervous! THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Ernie Els (E): Yep, sure might be getting me nervous, if this wasn’t the NO-STRESS U.S Open! THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Geoff Ogilvy (E): Yep. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Carl Petersson (E): Ahh, finally, another name I can make fun of as being a) stupid, and b) one I’ve never heard of. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

But that’s not all! If we take yet another step back into loserdom, we get to these fine losers:

John Rollins (+1): Good old John Rollins. Who can forget that one time he did anything anybody can remember, providing that they have any idea who he is, which absolutely nobody does? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Oliver Wilson (+1): Dear friend of John Rollins, I’m assuming. THREAT LEVEL: MINUS A BILLION

Dare we go even further back into the pack of septic sludge?

Robert Dinwiddie (+2): I was so hoping he would do well today, so I could come on here and say: ROBERT DINWIDDIE! HAHAHHAHAHhahahahhah. THREAT LEVEL: ROFL

Scott Verplank (+2): Not good enough to be threatening from this far back. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Camilo Villegas (+2): See Scott Verplank. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Woody Austin (+2): Lots of people like Woody for being a curmudgeony old fart who tells it like it is. I golf at public courses a lot, and we’ve got a lot of these guys out there. But because they’re not famous, we don’t call them lovable, curmudgeony old farts. We call them fucking assholes. Suck it, Woody, we HATE you. THREAT LEVEL: HATE

Rod Pampling (+2): I may have seen his name on an infomercial once? I dunno. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Andres Romero (+2): Has appeared in more of these features than anyone else! I nominate him the official mascot of the Major Analysis Threads, even though I still wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a lineup if it was just him, a Teletubby, and a sack of rotting kumquats. THREAT LEVEL: TELETUBBY

Even at +3, you’ve got a lot of scary names like Retief Goosen, Padraig Harrington, Stewart Cink, but Jesus Christ, isn’t this analysis long enough already, and can anyone five back of Tiger overtake him, even with a bum knee? I say, heck no! I also say, since this is NO STRESS week, who cares?

Now, before I bring this to a close, let’s take a look even further down the leaderboard, to see what other interesting stories we can find:

Kevin Streelman (+3): Did you enjoy leading the U.S. Open for that one day, Kevin Streelman?! I hope so, because it’ll never happen again, KEVIN STREELMAN.

Rory Sabbatini (+3): I’ve got nothing to say here, just every time he’s losing, I like to point it out. Let’s all point at Rory and laugh.

Phil Mickelson (+4): FUCK YOU LEFTY

Justin Hicks (+6): HAHAHA! Nice 80 there, Justin! Want to know a fun golf fact? I SHOT 80 ONCE!! Kevin Streelman is LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF at you, LOSER! God DAMN do I love when professional golfers play badly.

Vijay Singh (+8): AAAAAAHAHHAHAH!!! Nice 78 there, Vijay! The only thing I love more than seeing professional golfers play badly is when giant arrogant Fijian professional golfers play badly! FUCK YOU VIJAY!

Alright, that’s it! Major (ha!) thanks to Savvyraven, my sweetie, for helping me do this analysis by giving me play-by-play of Tiger’s round after about the 12th hole, through Gmail chat. So far this is the only way I’ve been able to actually experience this tournament other than by hitting refresh on Yahoo Sports, which is a great way to keep up with a tournament, providing that you don’t mind that they update scores so slowly that they’re still getting caught up on the tournament two weeks ago.

See you tomorrow for NO-STRESS ROUND THREE, which will feature NO STRESS, since it doesn’t matter one way or the fucking other whether Tiger completes the greatest thing ever to be accomplished by any organism in the entire universe!!!!!!

NO FUCKING STRESS!!!!


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