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State of the Saints
July 21st, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

I’ll make you a deal! You please, please, please read even the football posts and I will try to keep them funny even if you hate football!

All right! When it comes to the NFL and ICJ, things are pretty fucked up! I like a team I picked when I was about four and they have probably been the worst professional sports team in my lifetime, with the possible exceptions of the Los Angeles Clippers and the Houston Texans. The Saints went to the NFC Championship Game two years ago, and I think since they started playing the Super Bowl, the only other NFC team that has not done that is the Cardinals? The Cardinals had some good teams in the 70s, but I can’t recall how far they got. Anyway, going almost 40 years and still being a game from the Super Bowl is not great. Them’s my Saints!

Last year was a complete horror, featuring an 0-4 start, a four game win streak to get even and then a loss against a Rams team that was 0-8 at the time. I was at a friend’s wedding for the Rams game, but I knew leading up to it that the Saints would lose. And I am one of the more positive fans! The Saints don’t beat teams featuring a new, inexperienced quarterback, and they never, ever beat teams that are winless that far into the season.

So it all comes down to this. What has to happen for the Saints to make the playoffs?

– They have to win the winnable games on their schedule. No offense to anybody on the teams the Saints play, but you’re all horrible. The best team the Saints play is San Diego, and that game is in England, where anything can happen! That’s a pretty shitty flight for the Chargers, I guess new and terrible NFL commish Roger Goodell couldn’t quite work out the logistics of flying LT and Merriman to Deimos? Maybe next year, let’s get a team there! (David Stern is stroking his chin, pondering moving the Kings there right now.)

– Nobody can get worse! The offensive line for the Saints needs to hold and nobody can get hurt or take a step back. That will be tough because nothing like that ever happens.

– Reggie Bush doesn’t need to get 25 carries a game, but he does need to get positive yardage when he touches the ball. Always. My friend Brian, after viewing the GET LAMP trailer, said that I was wearing the jersey of the most overrated running back since Ricky Williams, a shot I couldn’t defend! If Bush is scoring every other game, returning punts and generating a little more yardage than he generated in 2006, he’s gonna be fine.

– I can’t even get started with the defense. Jason David was the worst free agent pick-up of all time. If Reggie White was an example of picking someone up correctly, like getting a beautiful escort you pay thousands of dollars for and are honestly worried if she’ll do you at the end of the evening because of how classy she is,  Jason David was going into the prostitute zone within your home town ten blocks from the police station, and yelling that you’ll pay a hundred dollars for a hummer through a megaphone. Doing it that way, you’re overpaying, you’re negotiating poorly, you’re drawing unwanted attention to yourself and Peyton Manning and/or the cops is/are going to set the tone for the night and pick on you.

There are some new players coming in on the defense and honestly, I don’t know that the Saints lost anyone that clutch. They are coming to Denver this year, so I will get a chance to see them and so far nobody has been crippled in workouts, which is a plus! I think that the Patriots are going to go on a revenge-fueled tear through the beginning of the season and ultimately win it all (though I do think someone takes a shot at Brady’s knees if they keep running it up), so all of this is ultimately moot. Hopelessness hasn’t stopped me from buying the NFL Ticket again though, because if you are only going to follow the Saints when it looks like a good deal of hope is involved, you haven’t figured out what rooting for the Saints is like.


6 Responses  
  • Greg writes:
    July 21st, 20081:57 pmat

    I vote for making this a full-time football blog. More football. I don’t give a fuck if they’re funny or not. FOOTBALL ME.

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    July 21st, 20082:09 pmat

    I fucked up my Reggie White line and just fixed it. If you already read it, I’m not saying read it again, but just keep in the back of your mind the thought that I can form sentences more-correctly!!

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    July 21st, 20082:31 pmat

    Looks like Jeremy Shockey just got traded to the Saints for a 2nd and a 5th. At least we didn’t give up Roman Harper. Like this deal better for the Giants than us, but oh well. Sean Payton and Mickey Loomis are definitely going for it this year.

  • Greg writes:
    July 21st, 20082:33 pmat

    I presumably read it the first time and laughed at the White/hooker comparison, so either I missed it or your humor was so powerful that it eliminated my perception of the error.

    Make this “football week” on JC! This and the next four weeks, and then the next six months.

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    July 21st, 20082:34 pmat

    That sounds ideal. THIS WEEK IS FOOTBALL WEEK!

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    July 21st, 20082:48 pmat

    Also, here is a free comedy line to use the next time you are with a buddy who badly chats up a girl at a bar. You just tell your friend that if the pick up attempt were any worse, Jason David would be involved. Then go HONK HONK and buy the next round to show there’s no hard feelings, except to Jason David.


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