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Way to Vote, You Dumb Fuckers
November 26th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Al Franken and some fascist (I assume) are running for Senator in Minnesota, and as someone who had the election results hours ahead of time, thanks to Nate Silver and 538.com, I find the idea – the very concept – of not knowing who the senator is in some state that I have no association with to be frustrating and infuriating. However, since I’ve been to Denver International Airport three times and counting in the last two months, other things that are infuriating have sort of taken a back seat. No longer!

I don’t know pretend to have any idea who is going to win the Senatorial race in Minnesota. I would have assumed that Big John Studd would be involved, but he had the unfortunate circumstance of being dead. This recount could take until January, but I did find a webpage that shows some of the ballots these spastic stroke-fuckers managed to fart out. An opportunity to libel people we’ll never meet, all in the context of how our democracy is failing? Count me the fuck in!

STUPID SON OF A BITCH #1:

Nice work, you illiterate shit. You want to vote for Norm Coleman, which is hilarious enough, but also for… Bad Men? Bachmen? Haha, what, now?

I spent about twenty seconds doing research for this article, but one theory exists that someone with a similar name to Bachman was running for some office elsewhere in the state of Minnesota. But why, then, did this brainless mump fill in — wait, Christ. We need to go list style for this ballot.

1) The instructions were to fill in the circle, and this person did an “x” thing, probably pissing all over themselves in the process. This is why you can still find corduroy at department stores.

2) If you want to write someone in, you’re generally expected to actually vote for that person. This person wrote someone in, but then failed to fill in the circle for that person! It’s like they meant this “Bachmen” thing to be more of a suggestion than anything else. “I’m not voting for her… but did you remember her? Hello?!?”

3) Al Franken was on the Democratic ticket, as well as the “Farmer” and the “Labor” parties? I love that the farmers and the Labor party can’t normally get along and had to engage in a painful split at some point, but came together in unity for Al.

PERSON I’D BE HAPPY TO SEE DIE IN A GULAG #2:

I mean, on one hand, we’ve all been there. We’ve had to suffer through endless politcal ads on TV and radio, and those of you that have HDTV, it’s even worse, as graphic cards are simply not capable of rendering the skin texture of the average politician in bump-mapping. On the other hand, a simple fill of the circle is perfectly fine – you don’t need to write “NO!” next to the other guy’s name.

(Although I do like the idea of writing little comments next to all the other guys running for offi- HA HA, NO I DON’T, just fill the goddamn things out and follow the instructions for once in your life, you animals.)

And why not get a new ballot? Everyone under the age of 26 is either going to try to vote ironically or be too wasted to bother to show up at all. There is no limit to the number of extra ballots you can request. I know it can be a pain in the ass if you’ve filled out all the local races and petitions and propositions before Senator, but honestly, if you are so concerned about the Local Angle that you fill all those in before Senators and Presidents, the nation is better off without your input anyway.

LUCAS DAVENPORT, IN A CLASS OF HIS OWN AS A DIPSHIT #3:

Let’s get a good look at the miserable manchild, 25, that is the face of the Republic at this moment:

Meet Lucas Davenport! And here is the ballot he cast:

That’s right. Comedy Plutonium over here wrote in “Lizard People” for the Presidential election, and then also — and who would have figured him as a guy to drive a joke into the ground? — “Lizard People” for Senator.

Only he also voted for Al Franken, which is why his smug and over-sideburned visage is unforunately all over my nice, clean, white website.

Here are some choice quotes from the hipster in question:

Because you don’t have to vote. It’s not mandatory. And I think that I have the right to vote for anybody I wish, even if it’s a made up candidate or even myself, if I wanted to write that in,” said Davenport.

“If I get my 15 minutes, I get my 15 minutes, and if not, I’ll have some good running gags for the rest of my life,” said Davenport.

I think I speak for the rest of us when I write, “LOL!!!!” I’ll leave you with this:

Think of the five worst Presidents in United States history. Consider all the terrible things they did with more power than any of us can ever truly imagine. All the temptation to engage in corruption. The impossibly long odds that they would ever be called out for the brazen liberties they took with the public trust. All that, and they still allowed this sniveling cocksucker to live until adulthood. Great work, bottom five. Why were you merely evil enough?


7 Responses  
  • Flack writes:
    November 26th, 200811:37 amat

    [i]Ill have some good running gags for the rest of my life, said Davenport.[/i]

    Can you imagine the highlight of your life being the fact that one time you wrote “Lizard People” on a ballot? Way to shoot for the stars, dude …

  • jim writes:
    November 26th, 200810:56 pmat

    dude, lucas davenport, (the paperback cop, anyway), is a good shit!

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    November 26th, 200811:50 pmat

    My brother read this and said I was a Franken hack. So I would like to clarify and say that I don’t actually think Norm Coleman is a fascist, I just couldn’t remember his name in the first paragraph, before I was ready to do “research.”

    Also, the ballots Franken is contesting are a lot less interesting. He is contesting ballots that simply have the circle filled in for Norm Coleman, it seems. I don’t think you can contest those?

    Thank you for the heads-up on the cop books, Jim! That immediately makes him (the fictional one) my favorite Lucas Davenport!

  • Fortinbras writes:
    December 3rd, 20084:37 amat

    Why don’t you ever talk about this kind of stuff on Caltrops?

  • worm writes:
    December 3rd, 200811:19 amat

    lucas davencunt

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    December 3rd, 200812:09 pmat

    I try to only post a-list stuff on Caltrops, Forty. (Do with that info what you will.) Although I will regret that if Lucas furiously Googles for his name and finds this article, as it would be more entertaining over there.

  • chellebamasbigolbutt writes:
    March 8th, 20099:03 pmat

    i’d like to visit the site that you mention as the source for these “ballots.”
    or is this an onion-like thing?


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