(OK, this is ICJ taking over at this point, as I think what happened made Pinback’s heart go out.)

My first job was as a clerk at a driving range. You did a little of everything there: cashier, dude-who-runs-the-tractor-that-picks-up-the-balls, BALL WASHER LOL, etc. So as a result I hate golfers.

Oh no, don’t get me wrong, they’re fine people, they’re good Americans. But they’re content to sit back, maybe watch a little Mork n’ Mindy on channel fifty-seven, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16 ouncer. They’re good, fine people, but they don’t know that I wish them all dead.

Kidding! Not kidding. There were a handful of good guys (who, since it’s been over 15 years, have probably died off in great numbers, now that I think about it). But the majority were pricks. Also, the average golfer can not hit a tractor moving at 2 MPH, by the way, though if you ask them, they are all crack shots.

So for that reason I never got into watching or playing golf. All I can say, after experiencing the playoff today in the limited way I experienced it (getting updates from Pinback through Google Chat) is that it really was the finest sporting event of the year, so far, which is a huge compliment considering how the Super Bowl ended.

It’s also likely to be one of the most amazing perfomances of golf of all-time. Wow. WOW.

I had one of my knees reconstructed and I still feel the surgery once, ehhh, say once a week. Just a little, “hi!” to remind you that you had surgery. I can’t remember if Tiger got his meniscus cleaned up, or replaced or what, but JESUS CHRIST, people should not be doing what he did mere weeks after knee surgery. They just shouldn’t. Groceries. That’s what you should be able to do – get two armfuls of groceries, and move them from your car to your kitchen table, where it then becomes women’s work. You are not supposed to win golf tournaments.

And you have to give it up for Rocco Mediate. 45 years old and finally — I assume? — peaking as a golfer. It gives hope to us all, frankly. He went 18 holes with Tiger Woods, the Most Dominant Athlete of Our Lives Except For Wayne Gretzky, and came out even. Even!!! Another frigging trip through every hole wasn’t enough.

You can’t even say “he played his ass off” – he did, of course, but he did something far greater. So few of us will ever get a chance to go up against someone who is the best in the world at something. So few of us are qualified, so few of us have the skill ourselves, so few of us internalize the things we are good at into non-competitive talents, like being a good father, or a good worker down at the dock, or good at figuring out the plot twists of CSI:NY.

But Rocco Mediate got to go up against the best in the world and I’ll guarantee you he learned more about himself in six hours today than his previous 45 years. Here’s the scorecard. The most important part of the match was when he birdied three straight holes to end the 15th. He put the pressure on Tiger Woods. Tiger had to birdie the goddamn 18th hole to simply survive. He did it, of course,, because Tiger Woods is the man you cannot compute, control, or comprehend. He’s a robot of golf, out there doing shit nobody thought possible. But Rocco Mediate, with 9 professional wins to his name, went up against Golfing Killbot 9000 and forced him to birdie the last hole. Amazing.

You can’t have those two guys out there forever, so sudden death ensued, on a hole that Tiger had birdied earlier that day (and Rocco not), so really Tiger’s “win” was kind of cheap when you think about it. No, no, just kidding. I pretend to dismiss golf because so many golfers shrink like little babies when Tiger’s a-coming, but what happened today was incredible and exactly the opposite.

Tiger’s opponent, Rocco Mediate, did not shrink away. He did not back down. He did not give up. He did not get caught up in the aura or anything like that. He went down like a man and gave the Legend a fight. Rocco just ran out of holes.

It was amazing. I wish I had taken off work to see it, instead of just catching it over the Internet. Good on ya, golf. Good on ya.

Analysis Summary

There just are no more words.

After a grueling round, starting with yet another opening double-bogey, his third such opening hole of the tournament, and following with yet another bogey, and sprinkling alternately workmanlike and ghastly shots through the rest of the round, somehow Tiger made it to the 18th green with a tricky 12-foot downhill right-to-left curling putt to make it into a playoff.

This man had been limping and grimacing in pain right off the first tee, and never stopped until the round was over. The commentators stopped trying to gauge how good a shot was from Tiger’s reaction simply because every reaction one was of searing, shooting agony.

In a round with very little of the third round’s magic and drama, here was one last opportunity to top even everything that had come before.

Friends, even I had given up.

So when that tricky downhill left-to-righter just spun in, took a trip halfway around the hole and then dropped for a miracle birdie, three things happened:

1. I yelled so loud that I lost my voice for the next two hours.

2. Tiger had a triumphant reaction more orgasmic than anything we’ve ever seen in his long, storied career of orgasmic reactions. This was an otherworldly reaction from an otherworldly golfer. It was almost frightening.

3. I wrote my boss an email to say that I’d be in late tomorrow. See, most tournaments, if there’s a tie at the end, they play a sudden-death playoff immediately afterward. The U.S. Open is the only tournament where they instead make the combatants come back the next day to play an entirely new full round of 18 holes.

Already dragging his left leg behind him for five hours, it’s ironic that the last thing Tiger probably wanted was the one thing he so desperately needed from that final, twisty, no-way-he-does-this-again putt.

But there we are, and here we go. 18 holes, Monday morning, one-on-one, to finally, mercifully, complete what is already agreed by many to be the greatest U.S. Open in history, and what will be agreed, should Tiger win, to be the most astonishing display of fortitude and blind, raging will ever exhibited in the history of sports.

So I guess there were some more words, after all.

Anyhow. Let’s take an in-depth analysis of Tiger’s single remaining competitor!

Rocco Mediate (-1): It is true, this guy is impossible to not like. He grinned and joked and gabbed his way through what was a pretty damned remarkable round given the circumstances. One of those circumstances is that he hasn’t won anywhere in 6 years, is ranked 158th in the world, and basically has no business being here. But here he is, taking on the greatest golfer of all time for the toughest trophy to win in all of golf. I haven’t been giving him any credit in the previous analyses, but here he is. So, Rocco, just this one time, I’ll give you this. THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH

You guys. I know my body and mind are ravaged with hyperbole cancer, but seriously, this is the most amazing golf tournament that has ever been played.

I advise you all to take off work as well.

Nay. I demand it.

Analysis Summary

No-Stress week has been cancelled. This is because Tiger started with an even worse start than his previous two starts, dropping 3 shots in the first four holes, starting with his third double-bogey of the week on #1, leaving us with no hope whatsoever. He then held on and kicked it around through the rest of the front nine while some of his competitors dropped by the wayside.

And then he had what will, if he wins, go down as the most bizarre, miraculous back nine of the most bizarre, miraculous win of his (and thus, anyone’s) career.

Here is how bizarre and amazing and miraculous it was:

I didn’t see hardly any of it. All I saw was the 17th hole, in a bar, out with friends and family. On this hole, he sprayed his drive way to the right, slashed at it from way off the course into the rough next to the green, then got amazingly lucky as his wild chip hit the pin and dropped in for the unlikeliest of birdies. The place (and mainly me) went nuts. This is miraculous enough, until you realize that once I got home, I found out that this was the THIRD most bizarre, amazing thing that happened on the back nine. There was the 30-foot curling putt for eagle at the last to put him into sole possession of the lead, and then there was the 70 foot impossibility of a putt on 13 to undo some of the damage that he was doing on holes that he wasn’t performing miracles on.

Basically, each hole was either a disaster or a performance that any other golfer would hope for one such occurrence in his entire career.

And he did this while the pain in his knee has been getting worse and worse, once nearly collapsing from the agony, and having to be helped out of rough and sand traps by his caddie, while using his own clubs as canes to steady himself.

I’ve been reporting on Tiger for years now, and if he can pull this off, it will be the most amazing thing he has ever done, by a long shot. This will go down in history as the gutsiest performance by an athlete that the world of sports has ever seen. This will make Kirk Gibson look like a piker.

They will talk about this for the next generation. Seriously. If you care about sports at all, you should be interested in this. It will be a movie one day.

If he wins.

Which is still not quite assured, because in between miracles, he has been playing just a bit like crap. And there is still a very real possibility that his knee will just give out entirely and he’ll just drop right there on the course and have to be carted away.

And of course, there are still some competitors.

Let’s take a look at them now, at least those with even a slight chance at overtaking the Man and ruining both history and my weekend.

Tiger is currently alone in first place at -3. Chasing him are:

Lee Westwood (-2): Has picked this week to be steady as a rock. Truthfully, if anyone has a legitimate chance here, it’s him. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Rocco Mediate (-1): Was totally in charge of this until he crumbled toward the end of the day. I didn’t think he had a chance when he was ahead, so I surely don’t think he has a chance two back. However, he is having the tournament of his life, so who knows? THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Geoff Ogilvy (+1): If any guy here has the game to come back from four down to overtake a busted-up Tiger, it’s him. And it turns out, now that I look at the ratings, that he is actually the #5 ranked player in the world. Who the hell knew? THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

D.J. Trahan (+1): Still don’t know who he is. I am officially calling it: Nobody I’ve never heard of is going to win this tournament. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Hunter Mahan (+2): I’ll expand that last one to say that nobody whose name ends in “ahan” is going to win this tournament. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Camilo Villegas (+2): Today he was wearing a white shirt and pink pants. That’s it, nobody I’ve never heard of, or whose name ends in “ahan”, or who wears pink pants is going to win this tournament. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Robert Allenby (+2): A nice steady tournament for Mr. Allenby. He will be quite happy to get a top-10. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Miguel Angel Jimenez (+2): Still grotesquely ugly, but still right there. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Robert Karlsson (+2): HIS NAME IS ROBERT KARLSSON! HIS NAME IS ROBERT KARLSSON! I am going to miss this man. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

There is a group at +3 which includes some extremely scary names, like former major winners Mike Weir, Ernie Els, and all around dickwad but excellent golfer Sergio Garcia. But you know what? Too late, buttwipes. Six back is too far. Maybe next year (but probably not.)

So that’s it. No Stress Week is now officially EXTREMELY HIGH STRESS WEEK, because this is right on the precipice of being the sports story of the year, maybe the decade, MAYBE OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

LET THE STRESS BEGIN!!!!

Hello! And welcome back to the No-Stress 2008 U.S. Open thread! It’s called the No-Stress thread because, unlike other major threads, we are coming into this one with no stress, and no expectations! Sure, we may root like heck for Tiger in other major threads like this, but this time, we’re just gonna kick back in our Barcalounger, let all the tensions of the workaday world dissolve, and talk some golf, fully realizing that Tiger is not going to win this one, so we don’t have to worry about it! Such a relief!

With that in mind, let’s get to the analysis of Round 2!

ANALYSIS SUMMARY

After Tiger battled to a middling position yesterday, we were actually given a ray of hope. All we had to do was hope that he didn’t double-bogey his first hole again! Well, he managed to avoid that, but replaced the double with two single bogeys over the first three holes. At this point, sitting at +3, our lack of expectations for this week were fully justified. Not every week is going to be your week!

Then, somehow (I say this less out of amazement and more out of, I just didn’t get to see it and don’t know how it happened), he managed to EAGLE his fourth hole to get back even for the day! More hope!

But then just as quickly, those two shots were squandered away with consecutive bogeys at 7 and 8, and once again we went back into full NO-STRESS living!

Then he made the turn.

To call his back nine legendary is perhaps an overstatement, but also perhaps not one. Regardless, by the end of his five-under back-nine torching, Tiger now stands TIED FOR SECOND, one shot back of the leader, with two other assholes competitors.

Obviously this is way more than we expected. But in keeping with the theme, we are going to keep this a NO-STRESS thread, because although he had a fine day, we still do not think that Tiger is going to win. Torrey Pines is just too tough, and Tiger is facing too much to be able to keep this pace up over the weekend. He won’t win! So we can relax.

If he were to win this, would it be his most incredible victory in his unbelievably phenomenal career? By far, yes. Is this way better than anyone in their right mind could have possibly thought he’d do to this point? Of course!! IS HE ON THE FUCKING CUSP OF THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER TO HAPPEN IN SPORTS?!?!? YES, GODDAMMIT!!

But we are going to stay low-key about it!

Just because if he’s able to play his normal game over the weekend he will fucking torch the lot of these simpering, oozing fat fucking bastards cluttering up the rest of the course with their filth, we are not raising our expectations, or our blood pressure! It’s just a nice weekend of golf ahead, which we’ll enjoy regardless of the outcome! And hey, if Tiger manages to obliterate the scumbags standing in his way, thereby completing the most amazing fucking comeback in the history of human endeavor, so much the better!

But either way, we’re totally cool with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FUCKING STRESS HERE!!!!!!!!!

I’d go about individually analyzing the competitors who stand even with or ahead of Tiger, but there’s only fucking three of them, so I will expand this a bit, look at those within one or two strokes, and then making special mention of a few players further back who warrant that special attention, especially if they are FAT, LEFT-HANDED SMUG FUCKING LOSERS.

Now, let’s look at the competitors!

LEADER: Stuart Appleby (-3): Well. He nailed a 45-foot bomb at the last to grab sole possession of the lead. He’s a solid, quality player. I’m more nervous about him than anyone left near the top of the leaderboard. But lets look at his track record at the U.S. Open since the turn of the century! Let’s see, he’s played 8 times. He’s MISSED THE CUT 6 of those times, and his best finish in the other two was a tie for 26th, last year. Could this be his magical year? Hey, if it’s gonna be any year, it’ll be this one. But I’m sorry, I don’t buy it. I DON’T BUY IT. I am not buying it. Still, though… THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

The following players are tied with Tiger at -2:

Rocco Mediate: I looked him up too. He’s fucking 46. He has won 5 times on Tour, no majors. He’s had two top tens in the U.S. Open since 2000, but missed the cut or didn’t qualify for the other ones. This is a virtual impossibility. Then again, heck, maybe HE’S the one due for the magical week this time. Then he can join Trevor Goddamn Immelman and they can suck each others dicks for the next 20 years while Tiger wins all the other majors. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Robert Karlsson: HIS NAME IS ROBERT KARLSSON. HIS NAME IS ROBERT KARLSSON. I love that joke so much I’m just going to keep pounding away at it until he tanks, which he definitely will, because who the hell has ever heard of him? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

That’s it. Those are the only three dickwads level with or ahead of Tiger.

But sure, let’s assume Tiger stumbles a bit and a few more guys get back in the mix. Who do we have at -1 right now?

D.J. Trahan (-1): I still have never heard of him, and I’ve been staring at his name for two days now. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Davis Love III (-1): He was elite for a few years. Those years appeared to be well in the past, but who knows, maybe he found the old magic. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-HIGH

Lee Westwood (-1): Another asshole has-been who’s taking this opportunity to pathetically try to remind people they once didn’t used to suck so hard. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Miguel Angel Jiminez (-1): Shot -5 for the day, the round of the day. Fine golfer. Maybe the ugliest human being on the planet. I don’t know whether that helps or hurts his chances. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

And stepping back to EVEN PAR, we find these buttplugs!

Luke Donald (E): Hanging in there. There sure are a lot of guys up here that you think “maybe this is his week”. So maybe this is his week. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Robert Allenby (E): See Luke Donald. Boy, good thing I still don’t have any expectations of Tiger winning, otherwise all these not-complete-loser names up here might start getting me nervous! THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Ernie Els (E): Yep, sure might be getting me nervous, if this wasn’t the NO-STRESS U.S Open! THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Geoff Ogilvy (E): Yep. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Carl Petersson (E): Ahh, finally, another name I can make fun of as being a) stupid, and b) one I’ve never heard of. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

But that’s not all! If we take yet another step back into loserdom, we get to these fine losers:

John Rollins (+1): Good old John Rollins. Who can forget that one time he did anything anybody can remember, providing that they have any idea who he is, which absolutely nobody does? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Oliver Wilson (+1): Dear friend of John Rollins, I’m assuming. THREAT LEVEL: MINUS A BILLION

Dare we go even further back into the pack of septic sludge?

Robert Dinwiddie (+2): I was so hoping he would do well today, so I could come on here and say: ROBERT DINWIDDIE! HAHAHHAHAHhahahahhah. THREAT LEVEL: ROFL

Scott Verplank (+2): Not good enough to be threatening from this far back. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Camilo Villegas (+2): See Scott Verplank. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Woody Austin (+2): Lots of people like Woody for being a curmudgeony old fart who tells it like it is. I golf at public courses a lot, and we’ve got a lot of these guys out there. But because they’re not famous, we don’t call them lovable, curmudgeony old farts. We call them fucking assholes. Suck it, Woody, we HATE you. THREAT LEVEL: HATE

Rod Pampling (+2): I may have seen his name on an infomercial once? I dunno. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Andres Romero (+2): Has appeared in more of these features than anyone else! I nominate him the official mascot of the Major Analysis Threads, even though I still wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a lineup if it was just him, a Teletubby, and a sack of rotting kumquats. THREAT LEVEL: TELETUBBY

Even at +3, you’ve got a lot of scary names like Retief Goosen, Padraig Harrington, Stewart Cink, but Jesus Christ, isn’t this analysis long enough already, and can anyone five back of Tiger overtake him, even with a bum knee? I say, heck no! I also say, since this is NO STRESS week, who cares?

Now, before I bring this to a close, let’s take a look even further down the leaderboard, to see what other interesting stories we can find:

Kevin Streelman (+3): Did you enjoy leading the U.S. Open for that one day, Kevin Streelman?! I hope so, because it’ll never happen again, KEVIN STREELMAN.

Rory Sabbatini (+3): I’ve got nothing to say here, just every time he’s losing, I like to point it out. Let’s all point at Rory and laugh.

Phil Mickelson (+4): FUCK YOU LEFTY

Justin Hicks (+6): HAHAHA! Nice 80 there, Justin! Want to know a fun golf fact? I SHOT 80 ONCE!! Kevin Streelman is LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF at you, LOSER! God DAMN do I love when professional golfers play badly.

Vijay Singh (+8): AAAAAAHAHHAHAH!!! Nice 78 there, Vijay! The only thing I love more than seeing professional golfers play badly is when giant arrogant Fijian professional golfers play badly! FUCK YOU VIJAY!

Alright, that’s it! Major (ha!) thanks to Savvyraven, my sweetie, for helping me do this analysis by giving me play-by-play of Tiger’s round after about the 12th hole, through Gmail chat. So far this is the only way I’ve been able to actually experience this tournament other than by hitting refresh on Yahoo Sports, which is a great way to keep up with a tournament, providing that you don’t mind that they update scores so slowly that they’re still getting caught up on the tournament two weeks ago.

See you tomorrow for NO-STRESS ROUND THREE, which will feature NO STRESS, since it doesn’t matter one way or the fucking other whether Tiger completes the greatest thing ever to be accomplished by any organism in the entire universe!!!!!!

NO FUCKING STRESS!!!!

Caveats to this analysis include the fact that all I’ve seen is the scores going up and down all day, haven’t seen any of it, and also several of the players are not quite done, but I sure as fuck am not going to wait until every last loser is in the clubhouse before I come with some ANALYSIS.

As always, this analysis is concerned solely with how the events of the day affect Tiger Woods and his chances (however slim) of winning. Which as I’ve already said, he won’t do. With that in mind, let’s get to the ANALYSIS.

ANALYSIS SUMMARY

When Tiger began the day with a double-bogey, it seemed certain that this was just going to be a lost tournament. However, when he battled back with three birdies to get into a tie for sixth, the miraculous seemed possible. Then he got his second double-bogey of the day, fell back, and things seemed less rosy.

As it stands now, he is at +1, tied for 24th. However, that sounds worse than it is, because there are only two players currently better than -2, meaning that he is within 3 of anyone with a serious shot at the thing. He will certainly clean his round up as the week goes on, and if those doubles had just been regular bogeys, he’d be tied for 9th right now, right there with the leaders.

So, in truth, I have to say that this is just about, or in fact maybe even a little better than, right where I expected him to be. There is plenty of hope, leading into round 2.

Now let’s do some in-depth analysis of the competitors, and the threat level they present to Mr. Woods. As always, for the purposes of this analysis, we’re going to dispense with anyone behind him, because even with a knee injury, nobody is going to overtake the MAN.

LEADER: Kevin Streelman (-4): …BAAAHhahahaa!! KEVIN STREELMAN?! WHO?!?! I join the rest of the golf community, as well as Kevin Streelman’s family, when I say, “Who the hell is Kevin Streelman??!” THREAT LEVEL: HAhahaha. Oh, and in between the time I started talking about Kevin Streelman and stopped, he bogeyed his last hole, so now he’s down to -3.

CO-LEADER: Justin Hicks (-3): JUSTIN HICKS!! I think they are making these names up. There is no such person as “Kevin Streelman”, and there definitely is no such person as “Justin Hicks”. THREAT LEVEL: N/A (made up person)

The following golfers are currently at -2:

Rocco Mediate: Reasonably well-known middle-of-the-roader. Has never, and will never, win a major. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Stuart Appleby: Staunch competitor, but every time he sees a limo it reminds him that his wife got run over by one, which affects his emotional stability. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Eric Axley: More like Eric Neverheardofley!! THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Ernie Els: Multiple major winner, one of the best of the generation. There’s no way around this one, except to say: THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Geoff Ogilvy: Major winner, not quite elite, but worthy of respect. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-HIGH

Ross Fisher: Probably a close friend of Kevin Streelman and Justin Hicks. THREAT LEVEL: WHO?

Rickie Fowler: Fowler? I hardly know ‘er! (Or him!) THREAT LEVEL: NONE

The following golfers are at -1:

Robert Karlsson: His name is Robert Karlsson. His name is Robert Karlsson. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Lee Westwood: Had a nice stretch there in the late 90s or early 2000s. Had a nice round today. That’ll be just about it for him. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Robert Allenby: Another consistent middle-of-the-roader. Could this be his week to stand out? Sure! Probably not, though. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

The following golfers are at EVEN:

Patrick Sheehan: Seen his name plenty of times. Never at the top of the leaderboard. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Joe Ogilvie: One “Ogilvy” is quite enough, and Joe ain’t the good one. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Phil Mickelson: FUCK YOU LEFTY. THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH

Vijay Singh: FUCK YOU VIJAY. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Carl Petersson: I have no idea. I’m sick of all these guys with two “s”es in their last names, though. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Andres Romero: Hey, this is one of those no-names from the Masters thread, isn’t it? How’d he do in that one, I forget? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Luke Donald: Keeps threatening to break through and fulfill his potential. Keeps not doing it. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

John Merrick: Two “r”s is better than two “s”es, but I still ain’t heard of him. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

There are a million guys at +1, so to speed things along, I’ll just group them by threat levels:

+1 THREAT LEVEL HIGH
————————-
Stewart Cink

+1 THREAT LEVEL MEDIUM
—————————-
None

+1 THREAT LEVEL LOW
————————
David Toms
Davis Love III
J.B. Holmes
Camilo Villegas
Woody Austin
Hunter Mahan
Scott Verplank

+1 THREAT LEVEL SUCK
————————-
Kyle Stanley
D.J. Trahan
Casey Wittenberg
Dustin Johnson (sounds like a euphemism for masturbating)
Oliver Wilson
Jon Mills
Ian Leggatt

NOTE: Since not all of the players are done, this thread may be slightly erroneous by the time you read it. If this is the case, I blame you, not me.

SEE YOU AFTER NO-STRESS ROUND 2!

Welcome, one and all, to the world-famous 2008 U.S. Open Thread!

This week is U.S. Open week! The toughest test of the four majors in professional golf. The one tournament which, more than any other, turns ultra-rich, self-important white guys who put a stupid ball in a hole for a living into sobbing, whining little crybabies who need their MAMA because the goddamn GREEN is too fast and the goddamn ROUGH is too tall, you friggin’ whining little babies!

As with the previous, world-famous Masters thread, this thread is less about the U.S. Open and more about TIGER “ELDRICK” WOODS, and how he does.

At the beginning of the year, one would have had to say that we could just skip this entire thread and chalk up another W for old Tigs there. Look!

- It’s being played at Torrey Pines, where he never ever loses.
- He’s playing the best of his life.
- Nobody else had a chance.

But times have changed! Because!

- This is his first tournament back after having KNEE SURGERY and being out for two months!
- That’s pretty much the main way in which times have changed!

So our attitude this time is going to be a little different. Gone will be the constant teeth-gnashing brought upon by the 2008 Masters. Gone are the sleepless nights and microscopically-detailed analysis of how every shot, breeze, or random bird flying across the fairway affects Tiger’s chances. Why?

Because I do not think Tiger has a chance this week.

Almost unthinkable! But start thinking it, my friends and polite acquaintances! I just think it’s too much to ask him to win a goddamn major after being out so long.

Bad news, you say?

Not at all! Since he is not expected to do anything, we may take a lighthearted approach this year, and realize that anything good that happens is just gravy on the cake! No expectations = no stress!

And that’s what the 2008 U.S. Open will be all about for us in this thread. No stress! Unlike all of the whiny crybabies sobbing their way around the course!

Round 1 — NO STRESS Round 1 — begins on Thursday!

Let’s all enjoy the 2008 U.S. Open, and the 2008 U.S. Open Thread, free from any anxiety or tension.

Ahhh!

ICJ: Isn’t your birthday coming up?
Pinback:  Yes.
ICJ:  I just added your birthday to my calendar, and set it for “yearly” reoccurance. However, it wants to know how many years to run. Did you have any insight on that? Maybe a rough estimate? Or a range, that’s fine too.
Pinback:  I am guessing… 48 more years.
Pinback: That can’t be right.  41 years.
ICJ:  I’ll set it for 45 and we can adjust if later it looks close one way or the other.
Pinback:  I dunno if I can keep this up that long.
ICJ:  I could get 1,000 years and it wouldn’t be enough. What a ripoff.

Pinback:  I could do 1000 years if I could golf every day.
ICJ:  We are DOWN THE STREET from a golf course, here at work.
Pinback:  Damn.
Pinback: I’d be all at the driving range every day for lunch.
Pinback:  (Which is what I did last time I worked down the street from a golf course.)
Pinback: D they have a driving range?
ICJ:  I imagine so, I will check, one sec.
ICJ:  … They do!
Pinback:  Then that is what I would do.

ICJ:  The thing is, you have to take the club from the rich prick in the course’s website photos before they let you onto the range. And it’s difficult, because he breathes fire and has claws that rend and teeth that bite!
Pinback:  Oh no!
ICJ:  Yeah, it sucks

Pinback:  You should start practicing now.  I want you on that range 3 times a week, Robbb!
ICJ: I’ll see if I can get a 9 iron at the flea market. I don’t trust myself with a driver. It’s just farther I’ll have to go out of bounds to get my ball
Pinback:  That is wise.
Pinback:  See, that’s smart golf. Everyone tries to go out and bomb it.
Pinback: I only  started getting better when I realized that you gotta play GOLF, man, not just bomb it.  You gotsta have STRATEGIES.
Pinback: You gotta know when to just kick it on up there, instead of trying to nuke  it. Which, if you’re new, is: “always”.

ICJ:  Right – strategy is all about interesting decisions, like, “do I use a wood or an iron here,” “do I try to go over the water or take two shots” and “if I ditch the sand wedge, how much more rum can I put in the bag.”
Pinback:  That is ADVANCED strategy.
ICJ:  I am going to take three clubs – 3 iron, 9 iron, putter. If I get the ball into a sand trap, I am simply commandeering the leaf blower from the landscapist.
ICJ: The rest of the bag will be a gin / Tropical Punch Kool-Aid mix. That is my strategy for resource allocation.
Pinback:  Golf is a 4X game!
Pinback:  1.  X-amine alcohol percentage on bottle.
2.  X-punge alcohol from bottle into mouth.
3.  X-pel vomit all over your shoes.
4.  X-plain to girlfriend/fiance why you have vomit on your shoes and are passed out on the floor.

ROUND TWO SCORING ANALYSIS without regard for any player other than Tiger Woods

Well, okay, it’s going to be a little harder to paint a pretty picture today, but I’m going to try:

After round 2 of the 2008 Masters, and an up and down round, Tiger Woods is tied for 13th place, at 1 under par. 13th place sounds like an improvement from 19th place, but whereas yesterday he was four back, right now he is seven back. But let’s take a look at the competitors and see what that really means:

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FIRST ROUND SCORING ANALYSIS, based solely on how it affects Tiger Woods.

After the first round, Tiger stands at even par, tied for 19th, and four shots back of the leaders.

The appropriate description for Tiger’s first round is “not good, not bad”, although fans should definitely feel grateful that it could have been worse. After plodding along at par all day, he bogeyed two holes in a row (including a par 5 that he had a clear shot to the green on his second shot and managed to completely botch the hole). This was the point at which I cancelled this thread. However, being Mr. Bounceback, he then chipped in from 25 feet on the 15th hole for an eagle, bringing him back to even par.

The bad news is that he is four back of the lead. The good news is that he is within two shots of all but five players.

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